I'll never let them hurt you, I promise

Frank~~
He kissed me.
He fucking kissed me.
why did he kiss me?
I've been laid on my bed for almost two whole days now just letting them same three thought run through my mind controlling most of my thoughts.
Why did he kiss me? the question i have been asking myself every minute for the past 40 or so hours.
what about Jaylin? i thought she was Gerard's girlfriend, shit what if she is and I've come between their relationship and ruined everything. what if Gerard tells her then she get's upset and tells Gerard that he can't speak to me ever again. oh god i couldn't live with that. what if mikey falls out with me for kissing his brother what if that short amazing heart stopping kiss ruins everything for me.
i skipped school yesterday and I'm defiantly not going today, it's like lunch time now anyway so there would be no point in going now.
Since i came back from Mikey's i haven't got out of bed, i haven't eaten, been to the toilet, been to school or even talked to anyone. i have not said a word since i got home. I've just laid here i this one spot drifting in and out of sleep wondering why Gerard kissed me.
I'm so confused, that boy is actually fucking with my brain. It's his fault I've been laid here practically paralysed and unable to have the will to move, he's the one who's always on my mind, he's the one who's overpowered my thoughts with his stupidly gorgeous face and perfect figure and amazing personality. it's all his fault.
Honestly i have done nothing, i haven't spoke to my mum, dad or even josh. ha
When my mum came home from work last night she tired to have a conversation with me however since i hadn't spoke all day i found it hard to move my mouth plus i really didn't want to fucking talk.
Me and mum are normally really close, i know i could tell her anything if i needed to unlike mine and my fathers relationship, we are not the closest of people.
Although i knew i could tell my mum about Gerard and she wouldn't be bother, she would probably try to help however my brain just wouldn't let me tell her a thing.
It's not because he's a guy because my parents obviously know i'm gay seeing as though the last time i had a boyfriend i would leave the house screaming "i'm gong out with my boyfriend" putting empathy on the boyfriend part instead of coming out. my parents never questioned me about it they just let me get on with it. i don't know if my mum never talks about my sexuality simply because she accepts me and that's all there is or because she#s plainly to busy to care. although i know my dad doesn't care he doesn't care about anything i do.

So yesterday when she came to my room and tried to ask me what was wrong and why i skipped school i just ignored her. Then in that moment my loving mother who im usually close to turned horrible and spiteful towards me. She tried to use my only weakness against me to make me talk however it just made this blanket of hatred cover my body. my body shivers just thinking about the words that left her mouth.
"therapy"
yes i've seen a physicist before although i never understood why, they don't help plus they cost a shit load of money. All my fucking lame ass physicist ever did was bring up my painful past. really painful memories which just made me feel even more like shit, did she fuck help.
i remember trying every trick in the book to make my mum spot sending me to see the devil physicist. in the end i just became silent.
i knew this god awful woman was charging my parents a lot of money to torture me about my past so if i didn't speak at all my parent would just be wasting there money for me to sit in a room and hour a week silently.
it didn't help
it never helped
there was no point in going. i was never crazy. im not crazy. only crazy people see the physicist.

I stayed silent for 6 months 3 weeks and 2 days. honestly i was proud, i did not say one single word within that time and only spoke once i was convinced i never had to go back to that hell hole. I still don't think my parents have fully forgiven me for that but honesty they deserved it.
Anyway as i was saying the words my mother spoke made my body shiver i couldn't believe she was using this against me to make me speak
"Frankie, if you can't talk to me, your mother maybe you should go see a different physicist to talk to them"
Back to therapy. fuck that. i love my mum to bit's i really do i'd do anything for her anything except bloody therapy. i obviously didn't answer her trying to keep my cool and stand my ground with my silence and soon she left me alone again.
I then spent the rest of the night convincing myself my mothers threats were empty, that she was all talk and no walk. However i know my mother better hen anyone and i shouldn't bet on her threats being empty she can be a bitch sometimes.
Plus when she get's home today and see's me laying here skipping school again she will probably flip out.
I don't care. i don't want to go to school. i don't want to face Gerard.
or Jaylin or Mikey anyway.
i want to run from my problems. i want to run away where i can lay like this and i don't have people constantly on my back. pesting me. i want to be free to do me, to be who i want to be. someday i will find a place where i can do the things i want to do in peace.
Most importantly i don't wan to go to therapy.
with that thought fresh in my mind i decide i should move because if my mum see's me laid in the exact same spot as yesterday she will defiantly call the physicist.
i sit up on the bed.
crack my back, my neck and arms my fingers my feet my toes. basically every bone in my body as i finally move looking down at my imprint in the bed with a smile. i still don't want to do anything though so all i do is reach over to the stand and grab pansy wrapping here strap around my neck before starting to play some music i wrong a long time ago wondering if i can still remember the notes or the lyrics.

Notes

chapeters tomorrow and wednesday since i've left school
i'll try and update my other stories also
comment oppinions and suggestions
rate this so far pleasseee