-Mikey's POV-
Ever since Frank got sent to the hospital, things have taken a turn for the worse in my life. Now more than ever, I'm with Bert. He's treating me as badly as he can, constantly hitting me, beating me, making me bleed. And as if that doesn't hurt enough, he conjures up the meanest things to say to me. He's always telling me that I'm lower than dirt, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm unlovable. He's said it so often, and since he's the only person to tell me his opinions of me, I believe him. No one has ever told me otherwise. I go home each day feeling like shit only to do it all over again the next day. Along with that, he's continuing to make me have sex with him. He makes me do this all the time and gets angry when I hold back. But really, can I help it? I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to have sex with anybody, not for a long time that is. I'm being forced against my will. I hate it, this is hell. The hell doesn't have an ending point though, it's day in and day out. Bert does what he wants with me from after school to whenever he's 'sick of seeing my disgusting face,' then I got home to sleep, but I'm plagued with nightmares of what he'll do next. Then at school, I worry about what he'll do when school is out.
Right now, my nightmares are worse than they have ever been. I can't hardly sleep. I can't go to Gerard to help me relax anymore, he's spending every night at the hospital with Frank. I can't blame him though. If I had the option of being with a person like Frank or an insignificant little brother, I'd choose Frank too. But I suppose I did this to myself, if I had only stayed with Gerard when things go thard and stop being a selfish little bastard, we'd be okay. Gerard wouldn't cry so much, he wouldn't be bullied, I wouldn't even have to know Bert at all. So it all falls on me, I'm to blame. Bert's right when he says I'm a pathetic waste of a life. He says that things would be better if I just died and got out of the way. And seeing that death is the only option I have to relieve the world, it's got to be done. So it will be done. I'll kill myself one way or another. It's the least I could do for making the world shit for the time I've been alive.
All throughout school today, it's all I can even think about. How will I go about killing myself. It's something I never though would ever cross my mind. It's a little scary... well, it's really scary, I'm terrified. Will I even be brave enough to go through with it? During English, it won't leave my head, and I'm growing more and more afraid. I'm gripping the edge of my desk with white knuckles. My heart is spinning and I'm getting dizzy. I can't focus on my teacher. I try to concentrate as they go on and on about Romeo and Juliet. It's probably one of the most boring topics on Earth, but anything is good enough for me right now. But when I finally do loosen my grip and listen, they begin talking about when Juliet finds out that Romeo is dead and she tries to kill herself. Great, could the timing be worse?
I feel the tightness in my chest become even tighter. I need to get away from this. I raise my hand, trying so desperately to keep in from shaking. "Uh, M-Ms. Harris... may I please go to the bathroom?" I rasp out. She nods her permission and just like that, I'm bolting out the door. I couldn't listen to another word of that. I quickly make my way down the hallways until I reach the bathroom. Once I'm in there, my stomach heaves and I rush to a toilet. I vomit all that I didn't have for breakfast thsi morning, gagging on the air. I lift my head a few minutes later and flush the bile down. Today is going to be one of the longest days of my life, and it'll be my last.
Later at lunch, I shove my food around the tray, picking and stabbing at it with a fork. "Hey dude, are you alright?" Someone asks. I look up and see all of my friends watching me. My friend Pete was the one who asked. "Yeah... I'm fine. Just not feeling well," I mutter. They all instantly go back to their previous conversations. That's when I start to see it. None of these guys actually care about me. Why do I even have them around? Sure, they're all there for me when life is okay and everything is fun, but the moment that things start to get rough and bumpy, they're nowhere to be found. I really hate myself now. I surrounded myself with people who didn't even care about me. How can they not see that things aren't okay right now. I'm not fine! Anyone with a brain could notice that. And maybe they did notice, they just couldn't give a shit. They probably don't know that my life is going to end tonight. They probably won't even care.
Suddenly, I feel a face close to mine, and I'm pretty sure it's just Pete being weird. He does that. But when I turn to face him, my heart nearly stops. Because it isn't Pete, it's Bert, staring at me with his cold blue eyes. "You look sick, are you sick?" He asks. I swallow hard and shake my head. He grins and rests a hand on my shoulder. "Good, because I need you at my house today and you aren't getting out of it," he whispers. I knew he didn't actually care if I was sick or not, he just needed to remind me that I still have one more moment of hell with him before I die. He leans in and whispers, "Just like everyday, today is going to be a lot of fun. For me, that is. Unfortunately I can't say the same for you." I can't care less about what he'll do to me anymore. It'll be over soon enough anyway.
I turn my head down as he continues to say things to me. I don't care what he's saying. But I snap my head back up quickly when I hear an all too familiar voice. I stare emotionlessly at my brother. Maybe to him I look like I'm mad, but that's not the case. I need him right now. Maybe he'll see that I need him, maybe he'll try to help me. But he doesn't notice anything and just goes right to Bert. They talk and Gerard's words are dripping with an acidic hatred. I want to get out of here. Did Gerard find out about what's been happening? No, he'd be yelling at me if he had. I stare at the two of them, my friends now paying attention as they probably expect a fight to break out. Fortunately, the bell rings before anything can even take place. And as quickly as I can, I run out of the cafeteria to get as far away from Bert and Gerard as I can.
After my long day of school finally comes to an end at 3:00, I fling my bag over my shoulder and walk to the front of the building. I find Bert standing at the door, waiting for me. "Are you ready?" He asks. I nod slowly and fully approach him. He and I head to his shitty old truck and I sit in the passenger seat. I don't get a moment to myself between school and Bert, and it's affecting my grades badly, but it doesn't matter anymore. As he drives he turns on his music and turns it up loudly. I've learned that he really likes bands like Led Zeppelin and Nirvana. Not bad music taste, I'll admit, but that doesn't make him any less of an asshole. He's also a reckless driver, I might end up ding from a car crash before I get the chance to commit suicide.
Sadly for me, we make it to his house without any trouble at all. He grabs my wrist before I can get out of the car. I turn to look at him, but when I do, he slams his mouth against mine. His kisses are needy and rough, he often cuts my lips open with his teeth or with my own. I have no choice but to give into his kiss, like always. Forcefully, he crams his tongue into my mouth. He puts his hands on my face and digs his nails into my cheeks and jaw, breaking skin. He shifts so that he's nearly on top of me. I've got to keep still unless otherwise demanded, that's his rule, not mine. One disobedient act and all hell breaks loose.
But that's exactly what should happen. I might not have to commit suicide. If I disobey him enough times, he'll beat me so much that it'll kill me. Sure, it'll be a painful way to die, but it's not suicide, not exactly. So I reach my hands up and place them on his shoulders, and then I shove him off of me. Bert falls back into his seat and punches me hard in the jaw. "What the hell was that for, Way?" He snaps. I roll my eyes and get out of the car, purposely ignoring his orders to come back. Instead, I flip him off and walk inside. It takes all I have not to smile. So far, it's working. I'm getting him pissed off.
Bert grabs me by the collar when he comes inside. He drags me across the room. His house is small and shitty, I've never seen his parents, but I'm willing to bet that they're just as bad, maybe even worse. Once he's done dragging me, he kicks me to the ground. "You sonofabitch, you do what I say, and you don't fucking defy me," he growls, stomping on my chest. The pain is bad, but I can't let it show. I need to make him think that I can take more of the pain, even if I can't. This has to kill me, I don't think I'm brave enough to do it myself. Bert yanks me up to my feet by my hair. He yells, "Do you understand me?!" Instead of responding like he wants, I spit in his face.
Bert stares in shock, then glares. "You shouldn't have done that," he hisses. I know I shouldn't have, that's why I did it. Bert slams me into a wall, repeatedly kicking and punching me. After he pauses, I let out a small laugh. "Is that really the best you can do? Damn McCracken, I'm disappointed. you seem to be getting weaker. Pretty soon, I'll be the one beating your ass," I say. That seriously ticks him off. He reaches out and grabs my neck hard, really hard. "What the hell is wrong with you? You aren't this tough. It's like you're trying to get killed!" He says. He doesn't even know the half of it.
He grips my neck tighter when I ram my knee into his crotch. I'm getting light headed, I can't hardly breathe, it's exactly what might do it. But he drops me to the floor, oxygen starts to fill my lungs. "I need you alive. Killing you would look bad on my part," he says. I glare to the floor at my failed attempt. "Get up," he says. But he doesn't give me the time to do it, he pulls me up by my wrist, "You're really getting on my nerves right now, Way. You'd better cut it out right now. I know what you're doing and it isn't going to work. I'm not stupid, your brother has done the same thing before too. He tried to get me so pissed that I'd off him. It didn't work with him, and it won't work with you. I know how you Ways are," he says.
Gerard tried to get Bert to do this too? I'm honestly not surprised about this, I know that he's attempted suicide before, he just hasn't been brave enough to do it. Bert shakes his head and grabs my jaw. "Are you going to do what I say now? Because if not, I can easily go back to bullying Gerard. It's entirely up to you," he says. My eyes open wide at the thought of him hurting my brother anymore than he already has. I'm just going to have to go back to my first plan and just do it tonight. He can't hurt Gerard anymore. "I-I'll listen now..." I whisper. He grins and kisses my neck where finger-like bruises are blooming. "That's what I though," he says.
He grabs my wrist and brings me up to his room. "You ready?" He asks. I nod and he presses my back against the door. But for just a moment, a very strange moment, Bert's gentle with me. He peels my shirt off and kisses my colar bone softly. But as soon as our eyes meet, the gentleness is gone. He throws me onto his bed, pulling the rest of my clothes off harshly. He makes me take his clothes off because he's too busy scratching me and yanking my hair. He bites at my shoulder once I'm done and shoves me down. All I can do now is just let it happen and wait for it to be over.
Finally, it is and he says he's done with me for today. He lets me leave and he pushes me off the bed. "I expect to see you tomorrow, Way," He barks as I get my clothes on. I look up and stare at him. I almost want to tell him that no, he wont see me tomorrow, he wont see me ever again. But I decide to just ignore him and leave as fast as I can. I quickly leave his house as soon as I get dressed. I didn't drive to his house, so I'm going to have to walk. It's almost a mile or so to my house, so it'll be a pretty long walk. I put my headphones in to block out the sounds of my own thoughts. I know that if I think about anything, I'll just freak out about killing myself and I'll back out of doing it. But I have to do it for Gerard, I have to stop being a burden in his life. A burden is all I'll ever be to him, but not anymore. I'll be out of his way before he gets home.
After my long walk is over, I finally get home. I pull my headphones out and open the front door. Nobody is home, my mom is probably at work still and Gerard is probably at the hospital with Frank. This makes it easier for me for what I'm about to do. I got to my room and drop my bag on the floor. I feel disgusting and filthy, like I always do after being with Bert for too long. I consider a shower, but I'm not going to waste my time. I head back downstairs and go to the storage closet next to the bathroom. In a box on the top shelf if a small handgun. It's old and nearly broken, but good for a couple more fires. And one shot is all that I need.
I grab the box and bring it to the staircase. Laying it on the first step, I open it. Inside is the gun and a small box of bullets. I hold the gun in my hand, feeling it's heavy weight. I stare at it and feel my hands begin to shake. The nerves are starting to set in and I'm beginning to freak out. Will anyone notice I'm gone? I mean, of course my family will notice, someone has to find me eventually, especially when I'm on the stairs. But will they care? All I've done is made their lives miserable. In fact, they'd be relieved that a heavy burden like me will be lifted off their shoulders. I've done nothing to make up for the fact that I'm scum. My life is a mistake and I'm going to rid the world from it.
My whole body is shaking slightly and tears are pouring down my cheeks. I'm so afraid right now, but I'm not going to let the fear get the best of me. I'm not going back now. I raise the gun to my head, pressing the cold metal to the skin of my temple. This is it, I'm going to die. It really is over for me now. I'm not afraid that it's going to hurt, I'm more afraid taht I'm not going to die from it. I'd miss my chance, I'd have to live longer, and everyone will know that I tried and failed. It's now or never, and it had better take me out. I suck in a breath and my forefinger teases the trigger. I let the breath out in a sob-like sigh. I'm ready now.
As my finger curls more around the trigger, the front door flies open. I crush my eyes shut and pull the trigger as fast as I can. Nothing happens. I forgot to put bullets in it! I let out a gasp and my eyes fly open. How could I have forgotten the fucking bullets?! The person who interrupted runs at me. "Mikey, what the hell?!" They shout. It's Ray. His hand smacks mine, knocking the gun to the floor. I choke out a sob and fall forward. Ray catches my shoulder and says something. I can't hear what his saying past the blood rushing in my ears. My head is spinning, it's so hard to breathe. I lost my chance. It feels like my world is crashing down around me. "Mikey! Calm down! It's okay now," I hear Ray say. He pulls me into his arms, my head hitting his chest. My whole body is aching as it shakes. I feel like I'm hyperventilating.
We sit like that for a while, my body slowly beginning to relax. After a while, he pulls me away to look me in the eye. The terror in his eyes shows me he's serious. "Tell me what's going on now," he says quietly. I don't know if I'm ready to speak yet, so I bury my face into the crook of his neck. He holds me close and god, I've missed his hugs. He brushes some of my hair down his this fingers. I listen to his heart beat and respiration, letting the sounds calm me. Eventually, I can thing straight enough to talk to him. I look up and say, "I'm sorry," though it's no louder than a whisper. Ray sighs and starts to rub my back. "Just tell me why," he says.
I bit my lip, wondering about what I'll even say. Tears are in my eyes again, my chest still aches and I still want to die. I look down and say, "I'm in the way. I-I'm not... needed here." I rasp out. He shakes his head and frowns. "That's so far from true. Who told you that?" He asks. I crush my eyes shut and lay my head back. "It didn't need to be said, I could just tell..." I whisper. It's true too, it went without saying. I saw it everywhere. I was too much stress for Dad, he left because of me. My mom's really talented, she could do anything, but I'm in the way. I worry Gerard and I make his life hell, I'm another reason that he's bullied. All of these silently scream at me to do them a favor and get out of their lives.
Ray stares at me and I see it in his eyes. Even him. He's proven it to. I hurt him. We used to be so close but I left him for a selfish reason If i die, I can't hurt him anymore. "Mikey, you can't do this. You'd destroy your brother for life. Can't you see how much he loves you? How much you mean to him?" He says. I scoff and pull away from him. No, I can't see it, all I see is the pain in his eyes when I look at him. "I can't mean that much to him. I'm just a burden and I know it," I mumble. Ray stares at me and then laughs. He fucking laughs. "I-I'm sorry, but you are so not a burden to him, Mikey. Gerard would never see you that way. He loves you so much. I just can't believe that you actually thought that he saw you that way," he says, still chuckling.
How am I not a burden to my brother? I mean, all I've ever done is treat him like shit and worry him. If that's not a burden, then what the hell is? Though I'm too tired and worn to fight Ray anymore. But a bigger question still lies unasked. "Ray, what are you even doing here?" I ask, looking at him. Ray blinks, then he nods, as if he was expecting that question. I hope he was expecting it. "Gerard called me. He asked me to check on you because he was busy with Frank. And I'm glad I did. What you almost did was very serious, Mikey. If I came any later than I did, you'd be dead. I-I would have been the one to find you. I don't know what I'd do then. You mean a lot to me too. I can't let you die, I just can't," he says.
When I look at him next, I see tears in his eyes. I'm actually quite shocked to see that. I didn't know that I hurt him so much. Ray wipes his eyes and sighs. "I know we've had our differences, but I really want us to be friends again. I miss you and I want you back in my life. If you want," he says. I grab my sleeve and start to twist and pull at it. He continues, "I know that you don't like the fact that I'm bisexual. And I'm willing to closet myself if that changes anything." I'm surprised to hear that from him, honestly. Ray has always had this attitude of "don't change for anybody," so wouldn't he be included in that? I don't know what to say to him. I'm really conflicted.
I've always seen myself as straight and nothing else could change it. But ever since Bert... I don't know anymore. I've kissed him, I've blown him, I've fucked him, but I don't like it at all. So does it make me any less straight? I hate all that I've been doing with Bert, but it's mostly because I'm doing it against my will. Would things be different if I were to do these things with another man if I wasn't forced? Would I like it? My sexuality is in question here, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not in any position to judge anyone because of their sexuality anymore. I haven't ever been in the position to do that. Being anything but straight doesn't make someone less of a human being. It has just taken me this long to realize that.
I look back up at Ray and smile at him. He's been the greatest friend to me. The only friend who has genuinely cared for me, I need him back in my life. "Ray, I'd like to be friends again. And you don't need to closet yourself, I can accept who you are 100%," I say. He looks at me with newly teary eyes and smiles. He lets out a small laugh and says, "Oh my god, I'm so relieved to hear that. Mikey, thank you so much!" I nod and he swoops down, pressing his lips to mine. There's nothing romantic about this kiss, nothing awkward or anything. It's more like a closure kiss, a way to reassure each other. A pointless kiss, but well needed actually.
As soon as his lips came, they're gone. Ray and I sit next to each other in silence for a moment, calming down. I'm glad he stopped me from myself, I know know now how badly that could have been. My thoughts are interrupted by a phone going off, and it's not mine. Ray reaches in his pocket and answers. "Hi Gerard," He says. My gut tightens now knowing that he's talking to my brother. I look at Ray as he says, "Yeah, Mikey's okay now... Well that's the thing, He..." Ray stops there and looks at me. "Uh yeah, a couple of cuts on his face and -holy shit- he's been choked!!! Yes! There are finger bruises on his neck! My god, how did I not notice?! No, I don't know who did it... No, I'm not gonna make him tell me. He's had enough for today... I mean, Gerard, that he..."
I know he has to tell him. "Gerard, Mikey was trying to kill himself when I got here," he says. From the other end, I hear Gerard slamming on the brakes of his car and scream, "What?!" I wince and look down. If I can hear that, I know he's gonna be ten times louder when he gets home. Ray quickly speaks up. "Now listen, I calmed him down and he's okay now. It's your turn to relax," he says. When my brother's this mad, you don't ever tell him to relax. I hear Gerard scream, "Don't tell me to fucking relax, Toro! Or it'll be the fucking end of you!" Ray pulls the phone away and sighs, closing it shut. Gerard probably hung up on him.
Ray looks at me apologetically. "I'm going to go before he gets here. But Mikey, for the time you're along, don't you dare hurt yourself, got hat?" He says. I nod and he smiles softly. "Good, I'll see you tomorrow," he adds. I watch him leave, and when he's gone, I put the gun back in the box and the box far back into the closet. I sit on the couch and clutch a pillow to my chest. Gerard is going to be so mad at me, and I don't blame him, I deserve it. I sit and I wait. Not long after, he's home. "Michael James Way. What. The Hell?!" He shouts. I drop the pillow and stand up. "Gerard, don't be mad at me. Please don't," I say.
His eyes soften and his body untenses. He stars at me for a second, then throws his arms around me, sobbing. I stay frozen in place for a moment, then hug him back. "Mikey, I'm not mad, I'm just... just really scared! I almost lost you!" He sobs. I let him cry fro a while longer, holding him up when his legs gave out. We sit on the couch and Gerard wipes his eyes. "Why would you do that?" He asks, his voice shaking. I suppose I'm going to have to have this conversation again. I sit up and say, "I felt... like I was a burden, and that I wasn't important," I say, getting right to the point. Gerard gasps and grabs my shoulders. "Don't you ever say that again!" He shouts. I stare at him with wide eyes and he continues. "Mikey, you're so important, you could never be a burden to me. You're my baby brother, I can't be without you. Wh-when I found that you tried to kill yourself... Mikey, I blamed myself for that."
Why would he need to blame himself? Apparently I don't even need to ask. "I feel like I haven't been a good enough brother to you. I haven't been there for you when you needed it. And look what happened," he says, motioning to the bruises Bert put on my neck. I feel tears well up in my eyes and I shake my head. "You've been a good brother. You care about me and everything. It's my fault you think that. I pushed you away and didn't respect you like I should've. I'm sorry," I say. Gerard blinks tears from his eyes and says, "You've gotten hurt more than you should have and I haven't done nearly enough to help you. I gave up on you and I know that I did. I'm the one who needs to be sorry."
He grabs my hand and squeezes it gently. "What do you mean you gave up on me?" I ask. He swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. "You were putting up these walls so that the world couldn't get in, and I understand that. But I used to try to be a part of your life, but the wall blocked me out too. I gave up on trying to get in and I shoudln't have done that. I should never have given up. I'll never do it again," He explains. It's my turn to cry again. I lean into Gerard and cry silently into his shoulder. "Gee I'm sorry!" I cry. His arms worm around my body and he pats my back. I can't believe that I almost killed myself. If Gerard got so scared from a failed attempt, what would he have done if I succeeded?
I pull back from Gerard and I say, "I love you." His eyes go wide and he covers his face with his hands, crying softly. I'm about to ask what's wrong, but he beats me to it. "I never thought I'd hear you say that to me! My god, I'm so happy to hear that!" He says. I sort of feel like a jerk. If Gerard never expected to hear me say that, what does that make me? I smile anyway and run a hand through my hair. "I do love you Gerard, I always have. I guess I should start saying it more often," I say. Gerard lets his arms down and pulls me into them. "I love you too, Mikes," he says softly in my ear. I haven't been this close with Gerard in so long. It's so nice. We don't say a word for a while, we just hold each other. Next thing I know, Gerard is leaning heavily against me, snoring into my neck. He's asleep. I lay him on his back and curl up to him. Today was emotionally exhausting. I'm just glad that I can rest now, knowing that I'm still going to be here tomorrow.

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