The Way I See It (Frerard)
Chapter Ten
-Gerard's POV-
I'm pacing around the waiting room, my mind racing at one million miles an hour. I'm freaking out. Mikey's hurt, really bad. What if he's not okay? What if he fucking dies??" Oh god, I can't lose him, not now. I just started to get close to him. He's just started to like me again. What will I say to Mom? I turn to Frank and start to cry. He never got to know Mikey too well, and now he might never be able to. I should have stopped this before it went too far. I should have kept him home instead of letting leave to wherever he wanted. It's my responsibility to keep him safe, and I've royally fucked up. If he dies... oh god, if he dies, I'll never be able to forgive myself.
Somebody taps my shoulder an I nearly have a heart attack. I spin around quickly and see Mikey's doctor. My insides jump and twist around as my emotions conflict inside of me. He takes a small step back and looks at me with a look that sends my mind into panic mode. "Gerard, I'm sorry, we couldn't stop the bleeding..." he says. He's still talking, but I can't hear him. I push past him and run down the halls. No. No no no, this isn't happening to me. This can't be happening. My vision is blurred by the tears in my eyes as I reach the room he's supposed to be in. I see him. His thin body is under the bloody blanket. His skin is pale and ashen. I fall onto the floor beside him. My baby brother is dead and I did nothing to save him. This should have been me...
"Gerard? Gerard! Wake up!" Someone snaps. I gasp and sit up quickly. A pair of dark eyes are watching me. I sit up more, looking ahead at them. I'm face to face with Mikey. It starts to sink in that it was only a nightmare, Mikey's okay. I try to catch my breath and he puts his hands on my shoulders to steady me. "Gee, are you okay?" He asks. I look up at him, noticing that he's using the pet name he had given me when we were little. I nod, grabbing onto his forearms. "Y-yes. Did I wake you up?" I ask. He blinks, then shakes his head. "No, I haven't fallen asleep yet. I'm hurting like a bitch," he says. I frown and take his face gently in my hands. "Mikey, take your medicine, then go to sleep, yeah?" I say. He swallows then pulls my hands down. "But you were crying, are you sure you're okay?" He asks again.
I look at him and smile a little. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Just go to bed," I say. He sighs and pushes away from me, wincing slightly. "Fine, good night, Gerard," he mutters. I watch him walk away, closing the door behind him. I feel bad for pushing him away. He was only worried and trying to help. The minute that he actually wants to be around me, I wanted to be alone. I should have let him talk to me, but I'm tired and Mikey needs his sleep. Thank goodness it was only a dream. Mikey's still alive, and that's all I could ask for right now. I curl up into a ball and sigh. I need to find a way to get Mikey to tell me who's doing this. This has gone far enough. My little brother nearly died. I almost lost him because of that bastard, and I'm not about to let them get away with it. I'm finding out one way or another.
I wake up a few hours later by my alarm. I had another nightmare last night. Mikey died again, only this time, I was the one holding the knife. I get out of bed and put on new clothes. I brush some hair out of my face and look into the mirror. I swear, if I ever get close to hurting Mikey, I might as well just end myself there. I'd never want to hurt him. He's too important to me. I'd much rather die that hurt him, or anyone else that I love. I glare at myself in the mirror, angry at my unconscious mind, then walk downstairs. Frank is already up, and from the looks of it, he's been up for a while. He looks bored, holding a cup of no longer steaming coffee. "Hey, Frankie," I say softly. He looks up and smiles a little. "Good morning Gerard," he replies. I sit beside him, after getting my own cup of coffee.
Frank leans in and fives me a small kiss on the cheek. "Did you sleep alright?" He asks. I think about my night mares, should I tell him about them? I wrap my arm around his shoulder and say, "I slept as well as I can at a time like this." He nods and leans into my arm. It's not that I realize just how small Frank is compared to most his age. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but I just sort of noticed. "Things are pretty crazy, but it'll get better. Just wait," he tells me. I smile and rub his shoulder lightly. "Yeah... I hope so. I just wish it's soon," I say. And god, it had better be soon. I don't think I can take much more of this. "Gerard, will Mikey be okay?" Frank asks. I look over at him and say. "Well yeah, he's gonna be fine. They stitched him up and they said he didn't hurt any vital organs or anything," I say. Frank shakes his head, sipping his coffee. "That's not what I meant," he mumbles.
Before I can say anything else, Mikey walks in. "Good morning, Mikey," I say, trying to be happy for him. He's getting some coffee, but still says good morning back. He doesn't seem too happy, but I'm not shocked as to why. He gives me a strange look and asks, "Can I... help you with something?" I didn't notice that I must have been staring at him. "No, I'm just glad you're okay right now," I say, thinking back to my dreams. He nods, taking a couple of his pills. "How're you feeling?" I ask. He shrugs and swallows his pills down with coffee, mumbling. "I'm in a ton of fucking pain, no thanks to Bert." I nearly choke on the air. I knew it was that sonofabitch. I stare at Mikey, no knowing what to say to him, I just gape. I'm so mad. That bastard is gonna pay. "Get your bags, get in the car," I say.
The drive to school seems like forever. I glance back at Mikey, his face is pale, as if he's scared to death. And he should be. When I get my hands on Bert, it's going to be gruesome. I try to relax my mind when Frank reaches for my hand. Our fingers lace together slowly and I take a deep breath in and out. In and out... I'm still angry, I'm pissed. Bert won't get away with hurting Mikey. He can hurt me all he fucking wants, but laying a finger on someone I love, that's a fucking death wish. Why did he have to hurt Mikey? That's what I really want to know. Mikey doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. He's normal. He's got good grades, got friends, nothing significantly abnormal about him (aside from his knees). So why should Bert want to hurt him? I grip the steering wheel tighter at the emotions running through me. How dare he do this? He went too far.
When we get to school, I stare at the building. I wont be able to hold back all of these emotions when I see him. I look at Mikey and place my hand on his arm. "Let's go," I say. I sounded a little harsher than I would have liked. I get out of the care, Frank and Mikey following suit. I grab Frank's hand and pull him close to me. "Hey Gee? Don't... don't give Mikey a hard time about this. It's gotta be pretty scary for him," Frank says quietly so that Mikey can't hear. I nod and squeeze his hand. "I know. I just can't believe he let this happen, and let it get so bad. He could have died... but I'll leave him alone for now, though I do need an explanation eventually." I say.
I look behind me. Mikey is following us slowly. I can hardly see him past all of the people. I look down at Frank and sigh. Things have been so hectic with Mikey that I've hardly been given the chance to spend time with Frank. "Baby, I love you," I say. Frank looks up at me and smiles. "Love you too, Gee," he says, his voice kind of distant. I smile back and bring his hand to my lips. "I just feel like I never tell you enough. But I really do love you, no matter what," I tell him. Frank doesn't say anything for a while, he looks like he's thinking really hard about something. I want so badly to know what it is. "You never have to tell me for me to know," he says. I laugh a little, kissing his hand more. "Don't plan on that love to stop happening any time soon," I say as the bell for class sounds.
During my day, I keep my eyes out for Bert. I haven't seen him anywhere. I'm slightly relieved for that. He can't harass Mikey if he's not around. He's a damn coward though. He must've known that I'd eventually find out about it, and of course, stabbing Mikey would get me the answer much sooner. So he must've skipped today to avoid me, or maybe he's too afraid to face anyway. Either way, he's a coward and I hate him even more for it. How can he be so okay with nearly killing my little brother, but he's too afraid to show his fucking face? My god, I will kill him when I get the chance. But for now, all I can do is focus on my schoolwork, which sucks right now because it's math, and math was created by Lucifer himself. Though I'm not sure that even Lucifer could be this evil.
"Gerard, dude," someone next to me whispers. I lift my head and look over. It's Ray. I never noticed he was in this class before now. "What?" I ask quietly. He looks ahead, then back at me. "Is Mikey okay? I saw him earlier and he didn't look too good. I was just wondering if he was alright?" He asks. I don't know how to respond exactly. I don't want to make a scene about what happened, but I also can't like and say he's okay. I bite my lip and shrug. "He's going through a hard time right now, but he'll be okay soon, I'm sure," I say. Ray smiles and goes back to his work. I sigh and look down at my math. I never understood math, and it's much worse now that I can't focus on it because of what's going on.
I did eventually calm down for a while. All of the schoolwork distracted me from everything. Up until now, I was fine. I'm sitting at my lunch table with Frank. I was going to sit with Ray and Mikey, but I fell like Mikey doesn't want me around right now. I'm really on edge right now, even though Bert isn't around. I'm worried about his friends. I'm worried that they'll do Bert's job while he's gone. I'm watching their table closely, also watching Mikey. I don't want him to get hurt anymore. "Are you even listening to me?" Frank says. Honestly, no, I wasn't listening. Now I feel awful. "Babe, I'm sorry, what were you saying?" I replay. Frank pouts a little, then shakes his head. "Never mind..." he mumbles. That's just great. Now I'm an asshole.
I slip my arm around his waist and kiss his hair. "Frankie, I'm sorry. I'll listen now, I promise," I say. He shakes his head again, pushing me away. "No, it's fine, it wasn't important anyway," he says. I try to grab his hand, but the second my finger touches his hand, he pulls back. "Frank, don't be mad at me. What you were saying is important. I want to hear it." I tell him. He scoffs and sits up quickly. "Obviously it wasn't that important. You would have been listening if it was," he snaps. My eyes widen. Frank's never been mad at me before, not like this. "Frank, I.. I'm really sorry! Things are super hectic, you know that! I have a lot on my mind, but that doesn't mean what you have to say isn't important," I tell him. He looks down, then over to me... then glares. "Yup, I get that, but clearly, I'm not one of those things on your mind anymore, am I?" He says quietly, and it just about shatters my heart.
Before I get the chance to say anymore, I see someone at Mikey's table out of the corner of my eye. I turn to see better, and when I do, my rage sets in. Jeph Howard, Bert's friend. I knew this was going to happen. I watch them closely, making sure that Jeph doesn't pull any shit. I wish I could read lips. I really wish that... "Gerard?! Ugh, damn it! The minute I try to talk to you again... you aren't listening!!!" Frank shouts, turning eyes to me. Holy shit, I can't win here! I try to speak again, but I see it happen. Jeph raises a fist and swings it at Mikey. "No... dammit. Frank, come with me," I say, grabbing his arm. Despite his protest, he follows, grabbing my shirt as I walk up behind Jeph, whose beating the shit out of Mikey.
"Get away from him! Don't ever touch my brother again!" I shout as I yank Jeph away. He walks away with a "fuck you Ways." I look at Mikey and get down on my knees to face him. "Mikey are you okay? Tell me what hurts." I say. He looks up at smiles a little. "Might save you time if I tell you what doesn't hurt," he says. I roll my eyes at his sarcasm. "Seriously Mikey are you okay?" I ask. The look in Mikey's eyes worries me. "I'm not sure... maybe..." he says. That answer isn't near good enough. I grab his shirt and lift it up to see what happened. When I do, I see the blood coming through his bandages. "Holy shit..." I say. When Mikey looks at it, I can tell he's starting to panic. "Gee, help me!" he says.
I pick him up in my arms, even though I'm sure he can walk just fine. Carrying him, Frank and Ray follow me. I guess I'll have to deal with Frank later. I get to the nurse and lay him down. "Please help him," I say. The nurse gives me an odd look, but nods anyway. I look over at Mikey when he grabs my hand. "Hey, can I go home when this is over? I don't think it's too bad," he says. I smile a little and say. "Sure Mikey, if you're okay, then you can go home." Mikey smiles back and lays his head down. "Good, because I don't think I can go through another class," he tells me. Mikey can get pretty dramatic, and I guess we share that trait. Frank's told me this multiple times.
I back away from Mikey so that the nurse can help him better. I look at Frank and I attempt to hold his and, but he pulls it away. Again. I understand that things are too crazy for everything to make sense, but I'm not trying to ignore Frank. I'd never do that to him intentionally. Things are just so insane right now, it's not my fault. But hopefully it'll calm down soon and i can get him to trust me again. "Will they didn't open up too badly, only a little. You should be alright, the bleeding will stop. And going home is probably a good idea too," the nurse says. I focus back on Mikey. He tries to sit up, but he's in quite a bit of pain. The nurse starts to wrap up the wounds again. I remember that I brought his pills with me. I quickly reach in my pocket and grab them, pouring a couple into my hands for him.
"What's this?" He asks. I smile and shrug at him. "You forgot about the pills, you didn't bring em. So I did," I explain. He takes them gratefully and swallows them. "So I can just... go home?" He asks. The nurse nods and gives him a slip of paper, telling him to give it to the secretary. Mikey points out that I will be the one to have to take him home and thankfully, the nurse is okay with it. I help Mikey stand up, not doing much help, but it's something. I walk him out of the office, thanking the nurse for her help. Mikey hands the note to the aging woman at the front desk. I let her know that I'm taking him home, and that I'll return as soon as I do so.
The four of us go to the cafeteria to get Mikey's things. I turn to Frank, laying a hand on his shoulder. "I'll be back as soon as I can," I say. He untenses only a little and nods. I turn to Mikey, he's buried in one of Ray's hugs. I smile, knowing that Ray's safe for Mikey, really good for him. Behind them though, Jeph is back with his friends, laughing like nothing happened. I knew the teachers would've turned a blind eye. They always do when it comes to the 'unpopular' kids. I take Mikey's hand and we walk out of the building together. When we get to the car, I'm tempted to talk to Mikey about what happened, but know it'll end the same way it always does. I don't want to battle him right now. Our ride home is silent, though I do ask him if he's alright. He only nodded. When we get home, I'm a little worried about letting him be on his own. I'm worried about his safety. I don't like when he's alone.
"Mikey are you gonna be alright by yourself? I mean, do you need me to stay here? " I ask. He gives me a distressed look. "I'll be fine on my own, Gee. Don't worry about me," he says. I sometimes wish that I didn't have to worry about him so much, but I do. "Alright... just take it easy, okay? I don't want you getting hurt when there's no on around to help you," I say. Mikey nods and gets out of the car. As I'm driving away, I'm relieved to realize that since Bert's absent, and Mikey's at home, it'll be the first day in months that Mikey gets a break. I drive a little slower now, happier, calmer. I can fix things with frank, with Mikey, with myself; because I'm not letting Mikey get hurt like that again, or anyone that I love. I'm going to protect him with everything that I've got, even if it kills me.
I get back to school soon after, lunch hasn't even ended yet. I find Frank sitting with Ray. Before I get to them, I see that Frank is crying, and Ray is trying to cheer him up. Is he crying because of me? Have I upset him this much? I sit on the other side of the table, trying not to get Frank's attention. Ray sees me and purses his lips a bit. "N-no it wont! Gerard's too busy for me now. I don't mean to sound whiny and obsessive, but I miss when he paid attention to me," he says. Ray gives me a look of apology and I feel a lump rising in my throat. I've got to fix things with Frank fast, or else he might leave me.
I stare at Frank for a while as he talks about how much he hates how lonely he's gotten while I've been so busy. It's heart breaking to hear how much I've actually hurt Frank. I want to say something, but I can't bring myself to actually do this. I feel tears slip from my eyes, trickling down my cheeks. Ray looks back at me, then says to Frank. Hey, maybe you're being over dramatic. I'm sure he doens't mean to make you feel this way." Frank scoffs, rubbing his eyes. "Maybe not, but he sure isn't doing anything to make things work for us. Maybe... we aren't supposed to be together," he says. I gasp and reach out, grabbing his hand. "Frankie no, I love you! I can make this work! I can make us work! Please, I promise that I can make everything better, just don't leave me!" I beg.
Frank jerks away with wide eyes. "G-Gerard?! When did you get here? H-how much did you hear?" He asks. I wipe my eyes and reach for Frank's hand again. "I've been here long enough to know how terrible I've been to you. I'm sorry, I can't say it enough, I'm so sorry," I say. He bites his lip, pulling his hand away again. "But you wouldn't have cared if you didn't hear what I just said," he mutters. My heart sinks and I look down. "That's not true, Frank. I care a lot. But when I heard you say that, I realized how much I've hurt you. I'm sorry. Things are going to change," I tell him. Frank sighs sadly, shaking his head. "You just keep believing that," he says. He gets up when the bell rings, leaving me behind with Ray. He looks at me and smiles sadly. "You tried your best, Gerard," he says. But did I really?
I spend the rest of my school day trying to figure out how I'm going to save my relationship with Frank. If I mess this up anymore. I'm going to lose him. He means so much to me, losing him would be devastating. I've fallen so in love with him, I don't think I could ever love anyone the same way ever again. I hope that eventually, Mikey will find a person he can love this much. it's an incredible feeling, until you realize that the person you love so much might leave you. It hurts even more when you know it's your fault. I don't know what I'd do without Frank, I'll be crushed. That's why I have to do everything in my power to keep him from leaving me. I need to show him how much I really love him.
After school, I go to the spot that Frank and I meet everyday. Surprisingly enough, Frank is there, leaning up against the wall, his sunglasses placed over his eyes. I walk up to him and hesitantly touch his arm. "Hi Frank," I say softly. Frank looks up and raises his hand into a small wave. "Hey," he replies, monotone. I consider grabbing his hand, but decide against it. Frank and I walk to the car together. "Because Mikey went home today, we can all do something together, if you want," I say quietly as a way to start a conversation with him. Frank puts his seat belt on and shrugs. "Sure, I guess," He mutters. I sigh and start the car. It's probably best not to annoy him right now. I drive down the road, my mind racing. I just want to get home and figure this all out.
When we do get home, I open Frank's door for him, but he shrugs me off saying, "I can do it myself, y'know. I'm blind, not stupid." I watch him as he storms inside. I wish he wasn't mad at me. I go inside after him, dropping my bag on the couch. "Mikey! We're home," I call. I go upstairs to Mikey's room, but the door is open and the lights are off. He's not in his room, so I search the rest of the house, calling for him. He's not home. "Dammit, Mikey! Where are you?" I hiss. I rush to the living room, where Frank is. "Frank, Mikey's not here. I don't know where he is. I'm scared," I say. Frank looks down and makes a small groan noise. "Of course he isn't here, what a fucking surprise," he says bitterly.
I want to yell at Frank for talking so rudely about Mikey, but I won't. I know he must be upset with Mikey for taking away his attention again. "Frank, don't be mad at him, he doesn't try to have this happen. Well, he must've left the house intentionally, but not to get all of my attention. We just... we have to find him, then you and I can do whatever the hell we want," I say. He pouts a little, then nods. "Alright, where do you think he is?" He asks, defeated. I take his hand and pull him up off the couch. "I have no idea... unless, god, I hope I'm wrong," I say. What if he's with Bert? I run to the window, looking out. Just as I thought. His car is gone. I run my fingers through my hair, letting out a huge exhale. This isn't how I wanted today to go at all.
I take Frank by the hand again and go to my car. "Okay, where the hell does that nasty bastard live?" I ask. I tap my fingers on the steering wheel and glare. Frank rests his head on the window and shrugs. "Try squeezing the answers out of Jeph?" He suggests. Well, that obviously won't work. I'm not exactly "intimidating" enough to get him, or anyone for that matter, to tell me anything. I drive around the block once, trying to clear my mind. "I'm going to assume that your silence means that my idea was stupid," Frank mumbles. I glance over at him and shake my head. "No, it wasn't stupid. It might have worked if someone else did it, not me," I say. He shrugs and takes off his sunglasses. "Yeah right," he grumbles. I frown and continue to drive. Currently, conversation with Frank is pointless.
What if Mikey isn't with Bert? He could be out doing something else. Anything else. I grab my phone, calling my little brother. It takes a while, but he eventually answers. "Yeah?" He says. Frank lifts his head to listen better. "Mikey, where are you? Why did you leave the house?" I ask, shifting in my seat a little. "I"m just driving around a bit, but don't worry about me," he says. Does he really expect me to believe him after how often he's lied so far? It's like the boy who cried wolf, only the opposite. He keeps saying he's fine and that I should trust him, so I would, but now that I know they're all lies. "Mikey, don't lie to me. What are you dong?" I ask. I hear someone talking on the other end of the phone, and it's not Mikey. "Who are you with?" I ask, pressing more. Mikey sighs. "Like I said, I"m driving and you're hearing the radio," he says. I still don't like this feeling that he's not telling me the truth.
What's so hard for him to be honest with me? "Well.... okay, be home tonight. And please Mikey, please be safe," I say hesitantly. Mikey hangs up the phone and I toss it to the side. I look over at Frank and say, "Well, if Mikey's telling me the truth, then he's okay. So it's just you and me. And like I said, we can do anything you want. I know that you and I haven't spent enough time together, but we can now," I say. Frank frowns and shakes his head. "No, I just sort of want to be alone actually. I got some stuff to think about," he says. Really? The one time we have together, he wants to be alone. "Okay, we can just go home then. But tell me if you change your mind," I say, trying not to sound upset. Frank sinks into his chair and nods. "Okay, thanks," he mutters. I try not to cry as I drive back home. Frank isn't happy. I'm his boyfriend, it's my job to make him happy. I'm failing.
The minute I part in the driveway, Frank's out the door. I sigh as he slams the door shut behind him. I wish he'd stop being mad at me. I go inside as well, the house is so quiet. Frank probably went to his room, leaving me to myself. I lean against the door and slide to the carpet. I feel so bad. I didn't know how badly I was affecting Frank with my occupation with Mikey. I really just need to talk to him, but he said he wanted to be alone, so I have to respect that. But what if... what if Frank said he wanted to be alone but actually wanted me to talk to him? Is this a test to see if I really care about him? If it is, then I have to make sure that I don't disappoint him again.
I get up and go to Frank's door, knocking. "Leave me alone, Gerard," Frank says. I swallow and rest my arm on the door. "Frank, I really thing it's important that we talk," I say. He lets out an audible groan and opens the door. The first thing I notice is the redness and blotching of his face. His eyes are watery and there are tear stains on his cheeks. He's been crying. "Frank, are you okay?" I ask. He nods, but still cries. Next thing I see is a suitcase open on the bed, clothes messily (blindly) thrown in. That makes my stomach sink and twist. "What's going on?" I ask worriedly. Frank turns his head down and sniffles, bringing it back up. I'm not sure if what I'm about to hear is anything near what I'd like to. My heart beat was crazy, but nearly stops cold when he says, "I'm leaving."
-Mikey's POV-
Bert stares at me with angry and confused eyes. "The fuck are you doing here, Way?" He asks. I shift my weight from side to side, unsure of how to really answer that. "Um, I... I... just wanted to... t-talk to you? Please, don't hurt me," I stammer. He glares at me and raises an eyebrow. "Uh, yeah right," he says. He starts to close the door, but I stop it. He looks up at me and clenches his jaw. "Bert, I'm serious about this," I say. He rolls his eyes. "I thought I told you never to come back here," he hisses. I bite my lip and nod. "Yeah, I know you said that, but I have questions and I need answers," I admit. He looks totally pissed, and confused, and oddly nervous. "Okay, fine. Get it the fuck over with," he mutters.
I nod, slowly walking in behind him. "What do you want?" he asks. Nervously, I play with my jacket strings. "Um, well first, I guess... I wanna know why you wanted me to say I love you... and what you mean when you needed to hear it... and that I wouldn't understand?" I ask. He scoffs, raising an eyebrow. "That's like three questions in one, first of ll, And second, what makes you think I'll tell you?" He says. I make a small noise in my throat. He's right, why should he tell me anything? He hates me, so why would he answer a single one of these questions? But dammit, he owes me for what he's done. I clench my fists, facing him directly. "You'll tell me because... when you did say all of those things, after you fucking stabbed me... I saw something about you and the look in your face. It changed. You were a completely different person in that second and I want to know what that was about," I say.
Bert looks even more confused. And perhaps a little less angry. "The hell is that supposed to mean?" He asks, his voice quieter than normal. I shrug and rub my arm. "I saw a change for a second, and the way you seemed you'd be like that was like a better side of you or something..." He gives me this look that have tells me that he wants to kill me, half wants to cry. "There is no other side. And if there was, there's no way it would be better. What you've seen is all there is," he says. I shake my head and walk closer, my confidence a little higher now. "No, I know what I saw. You looked guilty, like you cared and you actually can be better than this. What's wrong with being a better person? Why is the hurtful, mean side the only you that people see? What are you afraid of?" I say. He advances on me, raising a fist. He goes in to hit me, but stops midway. He look sat me and he has tears in his eyes. Bert McCracken is on the verge of tears.
He drops his fists and falls back into a chair. Bringing his knees to his chest and hiding his face in them. I'm speechless as I watch his shoulders shake and I hear small sobs. I can't believe that I just made him cry. He slowly lifts his head, his lob black hair falling in his face, hiding himself from me. "Why... why do you even care?!" He shouts. I take a step back. How do I answer this? "I don't know really, I shouldn't care. I should just let you be alone and helpless, but I wont," I say. He shakes his head and looks down. "No, I mean, why do you care if there's another part of me or not?" He asks. I smile a little and walk back toward him. "Because if you showed it, which I know it's better, then you would have to force people to love you, it could just happen on it's own," I explain.
He says nothing, just stares at me for a very long time. He hardly looks like the same person anymore. The tears and fear in his eyes are unlike anything I'd ever expect from him. The anger is gone, he just looks plain lost, but more... human. Maybe I can even help. I don't know why I should or why I want to, but I do. I might be able to do something good for someone else, something that doesn't involve anyone getting hurt. "Do you think that would work?" He asks? God, even his voice is different. I smile more and nod. "Absolutely, once I lowered my guard more, I got an old friend back, and I got my brother back. Changing your attitude about stuff worked for me, it should for you," I say. He stares stolidly at the floor and sighs. "Okay... but I don't know how. Or where to even start, it's gonna be really new to me," he says. I nod and sit in the chair next to him. "That's where I come in," I say.
We spend the next couple of hours talking. Well, mostly, Bert cried and apologized, then cried and apologized some more... for a couple more times in a row. Then we got interrupted by a phone call from Gerard. He was worried why I wasn't home. I guess I can't blame him either. When I turn back to Bert, he's crying, again. "What now?" I ask, not in an annoyed way, but a curious way. This new Bert cries a lot. He rubs his eyes and says, "It's just that... you're really lucky to have each other, like, you're never really alone. You've got your brother around to help." I sit beside him again and think about that. "Don't you have someone What about your parents? I mean, I never see them, but I assume they're around... right?" I ask. He hiccups a little and starts to tear up a bit more. "No... I haven't seen them in a damn long time," he says.
"It was when I was six, my parents left for the weekend, which was normal for them. But on that next Monday, they weren't home. I waited a few days, but I started to get this feeling that they weren't ever coming home. I knew for sure that they weren't coming back when my uncle showed up at the house one day. He hates family, he only ever visited when he was forced to. After that, he'd drop by with groceries, payed the bills, kinda kept me alive. No one was there for my emotional needs though. I eventually got old enough to take care of myself. I started paying bills at thirteen with money he mailed over. It's how it's always been. I'm used to being alone, I guess. And my friends, they don't really care about me, so they aren't much help," he explains. I can't believe what I'm hearing. It's not what I was expecting from him. Having to live alone at such a young age. "Weren't you scared?" I ask.
He nods and sits back. "Yeah, for the first couple of years. I used to have these nightmares that scared me shitless, but I had no one to tell the I'd be okay, or that it wasn't real, or make me feel safe. But I got over it pretty quick. That doesn't mean I wasn't still scared though, it just mean I learned to suck it up and move on," he says. Shit, he was more hurt and lonely than I thought. I'm not used to him being so honest and not hurting me. It's something I have to get used to. "I got really jealous though," he continues. "I was jealous of all the other people who had families. They weren't scared, and I wanted what thy had. So I got angry at the kids from school. I got violent with them because that's how I learned to deal with my anger. No one told me it was wrong. So that's why I get violent... But then there was... Gerard Way." I gasp a little bit. Is he really going to tell me why he hurt my brother. I lean closer an inch or so.
"It was in the seventh grade, I had already been bullying him for a few years. But one day, I called him a faggot, called him gay. And he just said, "so what if I am?" He actually came out to all of us, every single one of his classmates knew he was gay. I got angrier and more violent because he did it so fearlessly. And I could never do that. He and I aren't too different actually, but it's the fact that he's able to say that he's gay, and I can't admit that, not even to myself. I'm too afraid," he says. My eyes widen a little. I'm not shocked that Bert's gay, I'm shocked that he's jealous of Gerard. "Mikey?" He says. I look at him and tilt my head. "You aren't going to tell everyone right? You're the only one who knows any of this. Please, just don't tell," he says. I shake my head quickly and lift my hand up. "I promise, I will never do that. You don't have to worry," I say.
Bert smiles and it's probably the most shocking thing I've seen all day. For once, he looks happy about something. There's nothing mean or cruel about it, he's just genuinely happy. It's honestly contagious, I smile right back without even thinking. We talk for a while longer about a lot of things. Things he likes and/or dislikes, things that I like and/or dislike and then of course, more crying from Bert. He's not used to this sort of emotion. After a while, he looks at the clock and his face falls. "It's seven. You should go home before Gerard starts freaking out," he says. I hadn't noticed how fast time went by. I nod and stand up, but I gasp loudly. The pain meds wear off too fast. I fall back onto the couch and whimper quietly. "Are you okay, Mikey?!" He asks. I nod and get back, trying hard to ignore it. "I'm fine, I just gotta get home," I say. He frowns, but nods anyway. "It was my fault... wasn't it? What I did to you?" He asks. I nod again and he frowns. "I'm sorry," he says for the thousandth time today. "It's fine, really, I'm okay," I say. Before I leave, he pulls me into a soft hug. "Thank you Mikey, so much," he whispers. And despite my pain, I hug him back.
Over the course of a few hours. Bert has made an unbelievable change. He went from a heartless jerk to a scared guy whose heart needs help healing. I actually started to fix Bert McCracken. What if I succeed? How would things change? Could Bert and I become friends? Could he and Gerard become friends? I already know that the two have a lot in common. They might actually get along. Bert needs more friend, and so doe Gerard. I think this new Bert is a good guy, from what I've seen. I don't know too much about him yet, but I'll figure it out. And if Bert is so alone, I want to keep going over there to keep him company. It's strange... the same guy who nearly killed me is somehow the same guy I spent my day with.
When I get home, the lights are on and Gerard is looking out the window. I wonder how long he's been standing there? I get out of the car and Gerard comes outside, heading toward me. He looks pissed and upset. "Where the hell were you? You've been gone for hours! Don't expect me to believe that you've been driving for that long!" He shouts. I sigh, walking to the door, Gerard following quickly. "Don't walk away from me! Answer me! I think I deserve some answers here Mikey. Why did you leave the house? Why didn't you at least tell me you were leaving, you scared me half to death! Were you with Bert? Were you with that freak?!" He presses.
I spin around and glare. "I was just out, that's all you need to know. I don't need to check in with you when I want to get out of the house! And who cares what I was doing? Do you need a fucking play-by-play?!" I snap. He glares back and slams the door. "I don't need your smart ass comments, Mikey, I want straight forward answers. Now," he spits. I groan and drop my bag. "What's wrong with you Gerard? What's got you in such a bitchy mood?" I ask. Gerard freezes and now looks really sad. What did happen? "Frank... wants to go to a foster home," he says quietly.
"Frank's leaving?" I ask, surprised. I thought he was happy here, guess now. Gerard looks at me, then starts to cry. "He... he didn't really say much. He just told me he was leaving and that he wasn't going to change his mind. Mikey, I messed up so badly with him. I-I don't want to mess up with you too. I need you too, more than you know. I don't hate you Mikey, despite what you might believe. I love you so much. Don't leave me behind like Frank is," he says. I walk toward him and wrap my arms around his body. He leans into me and sobs into my shoulder. I guess it's another round of tears for me.
Gerard keeps talking, "And... and when I found out that Bert was the one hurting you, I... I couldn't believe it. I don't know why he did this to you! And I can't really do anything about this... he's stronger than me. You don't deserve this. But it turns out that I do. I was ignoring Frank. I neglected him. I didn't know what I was doing, but now he's going away. I'm so sorry Mikey. I'm going to try hard to be here for you. I promise!" He cries. I hold him tight and stroke his hair. I know he's going to be upset about what happened with Bert, that was obvious, but he definitely doesn't deserve that sort of abuse either. Nobody really does.
Gerard tries to tell me that he wants to make a plan to keep Frank home, but I have to talk him out of it. We can't force Frank to stay somewhere that he wants to leave. Later, Mom comes home. "Hey boys, are you don't okay?" She asks. Gerard has stopped crying by now, and his skin color has returned to his usual pale pale white. But the minute he sees her, he breaks down again. Mom runs over to the couch beside him and puts her arms around him. "What's wrong Gerard?!" She asks. And Gerard tells her in a choppy, sobbing way about how Frank wants to leave, but he leaves out the part about Bert.
I watch sympathetically as my brother sobs into Mom's shoulders. I've never had my heart broken, mostly because I've never fallen in love. But seeing Gerard like this proves that broken hearts are all too real. I can imagine how painful it would be to have to see the person you love leave you behind. Listening to Gerard cry and Mom comfort him, I start to think about how far we've all come. Every single one of us have changed. Gerard and I stopped hating each other, Frank got free from his dad, and even Bert's a better man. I know that we can make it through this. We have to try.
"M-Mikey?" Gerard says. I look to him and he says. "C'mere. I want a hug from you too." I smile an little and scoot closer to him, wrapping my arms around him again. He rests his head on my shoulder now, sniffling. "You'll be okay sweetie, I promise. You're strong, both of you are, I love you," Mom says. I look up at her and my heart sinks. He eyes are sunken in a little, dark bags underneath. Her hair is thrown up carelessly. I see the stress and strain in her eyes. I never give her the respect she deserves, do I?
Mom works so hard to keep Gerard and I happy. And now that I know that not all kids have any parents around for them, I have a new found respect for her. She works her ass off, she had to go through a divorce with Dad, and she has to take care of kids who don't appreciate her. Well, I can help with some of that. There's nothing I can do about Dad, but I can appreciate her a lot, and respect her, help her out as much as I can. I'm going to try my hardest to be there for everyone in my life. Mom, Gerard, even Bert. Things are going to change even more around here, aren't they?
I'm pacing around the waiting room, my mind racing at one million miles an hour. I'm freaking out. Mikey's hurt, really bad. What if he's not okay? What if he fucking dies??" Oh god, I can't lose him, not now. I just started to get close to him. He's just started to like me again. What will I say to Mom? I turn to Frank and start to cry. He never got to know Mikey too well, and now he might never be able to. I should have stopped this before it went too far. I should have kept him home instead of letting leave to wherever he wanted. It's my responsibility to keep him safe, and I've royally fucked up. If he dies... oh god, if he dies, I'll never be able to forgive myself.
Somebody taps my shoulder an I nearly have a heart attack. I spin around quickly and see Mikey's doctor. My insides jump and twist around as my emotions conflict inside of me. He takes a small step back and looks at me with a look that sends my mind into panic mode. "Gerard, I'm sorry, we couldn't stop the bleeding..." he says. He's still talking, but I can't hear him. I push past him and run down the halls. No. No no no, this isn't happening to me. This can't be happening. My vision is blurred by the tears in my eyes as I reach the room he's supposed to be in. I see him. His thin body is under the bloody blanket. His skin is pale and ashen. I fall onto the floor beside him. My baby brother is dead and I did nothing to save him. This should have been me...
"Gerard? Gerard! Wake up!" Someone snaps. I gasp and sit up quickly. A pair of dark eyes are watching me. I sit up more, looking ahead at them. I'm face to face with Mikey. It starts to sink in that it was only a nightmare, Mikey's okay. I try to catch my breath and he puts his hands on my shoulders to steady me. "Gee, are you okay?" He asks. I look up at him, noticing that he's using the pet name he had given me when we were little. I nod, grabbing onto his forearms. "Y-yes. Did I wake you up?" I ask. He blinks, then shakes his head. "No, I haven't fallen asleep yet. I'm hurting like a bitch," he says. I frown and take his face gently in my hands. "Mikey, take your medicine, then go to sleep, yeah?" I say. He swallows then pulls my hands down. "But you were crying, are you sure you're okay?" He asks again.
I look at him and smile a little. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Just go to bed," I say. He sighs and pushes away from me, wincing slightly. "Fine, good night, Gerard," he mutters. I watch him walk away, closing the door behind him. I feel bad for pushing him away. He was only worried and trying to help. The minute that he actually wants to be around me, I wanted to be alone. I should have let him talk to me, but I'm tired and Mikey needs his sleep. Thank goodness it was only a dream. Mikey's still alive, and that's all I could ask for right now. I curl up into a ball and sigh. I need to find a way to get Mikey to tell me who's doing this. This has gone far enough. My little brother nearly died. I almost lost him because of that bastard, and I'm not about to let them get away with it. I'm finding out one way or another.
I wake up a few hours later by my alarm. I had another nightmare last night. Mikey died again, only this time, I was the one holding the knife. I get out of bed and put on new clothes. I brush some hair out of my face and look into the mirror. I swear, if I ever get close to hurting Mikey, I might as well just end myself there. I'd never want to hurt him. He's too important to me. I'd much rather die that hurt him, or anyone else that I love. I glare at myself in the mirror, angry at my unconscious mind, then walk downstairs. Frank is already up, and from the looks of it, he's been up for a while. He looks bored, holding a cup of no longer steaming coffee. "Hey, Frankie," I say softly. He looks up and smiles a little. "Good morning Gerard," he replies. I sit beside him, after getting my own cup of coffee.
Frank leans in and fives me a small kiss on the cheek. "Did you sleep alright?" He asks. I think about my night mares, should I tell him about them? I wrap my arm around his shoulder and say, "I slept as well as I can at a time like this." He nods and leans into my arm. It's not that I realize just how small Frank is compared to most his age. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but I just sort of noticed. "Things are pretty crazy, but it'll get better. Just wait," he tells me. I smile and rub his shoulder lightly. "Yeah... I hope so. I just wish it's soon," I say. And god, it had better be soon. I don't think I can take much more of this. "Gerard, will Mikey be okay?" Frank asks. I look over at him and say. "Well yeah, he's gonna be fine. They stitched him up and they said he didn't hurt any vital organs or anything," I say. Frank shakes his head, sipping his coffee. "That's not what I meant," he mumbles.
Before I can say anything else, Mikey walks in. "Good morning, Mikey," I say, trying to be happy for him. He's getting some coffee, but still says good morning back. He doesn't seem too happy, but I'm not shocked as to why. He gives me a strange look and asks, "Can I... help you with something?" I didn't notice that I must have been staring at him. "No, I'm just glad you're okay right now," I say, thinking back to my dreams. He nods, taking a couple of his pills. "How're you feeling?" I ask. He shrugs and swallows his pills down with coffee, mumbling. "I'm in a ton of fucking pain, no thanks to Bert." I nearly choke on the air. I knew it was that sonofabitch. I stare at Mikey, no knowing what to say to him, I just gape. I'm so mad. That bastard is gonna pay. "Get your bags, get in the car," I say.
The drive to school seems like forever. I glance back at Mikey, his face is pale, as if he's scared to death. And he should be. When I get my hands on Bert, it's going to be gruesome. I try to relax my mind when Frank reaches for my hand. Our fingers lace together slowly and I take a deep breath in and out. In and out... I'm still angry, I'm pissed. Bert won't get away with hurting Mikey. He can hurt me all he fucking wants, but laying a finger on someone I love, that's a fucking death wish. Why did he have to hurt Mikey? That's what I really want to know. Mikey doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. He's normal. He's got good grades, got friends, nothing significantly abnormal about him (aside from his knees). So why should Bert want to hurt him? I grip the steering wheel tighter at the emotions running through me. How dare he do this? He went too far.
When we get to school, I stare at the building. I wont be able to hold back all of these emotions when I see him. I look at Mikey and place my hand on his arm. "Let's go," I say. I sounded a little harsher than I would have liked. I get out of the care, Frank and Mikey following suit. I grab Frank's hand and pull him close to me. "Hey Gee? Don't... don't give Mikey a hard time about this. It's gotta be pretty scary for him," Frank says quietly so that Mikey can't hear. I nod and squeeze his hand. "I know. I just can't believe he let this happen, and let it get so bad. He could have died... but I'll leave him alone for now, though I do need an explanation eventually." I say.
I look behind me. Mikey is following us slowly. I can hardly see him past all of the people. I look down at Frank and sigh. Things have been so hectic with Mikey that I've hardly been given the chance to spend time with Frank. "Baby, I love you," I say. Frank looks up at me and smiles. "Love you too, Gee," he says, his voice kind of distant. I smile back and bring his hand to my lips. "I just feel like I never tell you enough. But I really do love you, no matter what," I tell him. Frank doesn't say anything for a while, he looks like he's thinking really hard about something. I want so badly to know what it is. "You never have to tell me for me to know," he says. I laugh a little, kissing his hand more. "Don't plan on that love to stop happening any time soon," I say as the bell for class sounds.
During my day, I keep my eyes out for Bert. I haven't seen him anywhere. I'm slightly relieved for that. He can't harass Mikey if he's not around. He's a damn coward though. He must've known that I'd eventually find out about it, and of course, stabbing Mikey would get me the answer much sooner. So he must've skipped today to avoid me, or maybe he's too afraid to face anyway. Either way, he's a coward and I hate him even more for it. How can he be so okay with nearly killing my little brother, but he's too afraid to show his fucking face? My god, I will kill him when I get the chance. But for now, all I can do is focus on my schoolwork, which sucks right now because it's math, and math was created by Lucifer himself. Though I'm not sure that even Lucifer could be this evil.
"Gerard, dude," someone next to me whispers. I lift my head and look over. It's Ray. I never noticed he was in this class before now. "What?" I ask quietly. He looks ahead, then back at me. "Is Mikey okay? I saw him earlier and he didn't look too good. I was just wondering if he was alright?" He asks. I don't know how to respond exactly. I don't want to make a scene about what happened, but I also can't like and say he's okay. I bite my lip and shrug. "He's going through a hard time right now, but he'll be okay soon, I'm sure," I say. Ray smiles and goes back to his work. I sigh and look down at my math. I never understood math, and it's much worse now that I can't focus on it because of what's going on.
I did eventually calm down for a while. All of the schoolwork distracted me from everything. Up until now, I was fine. I'm sitting at my lunch table with Frank. I was going to sit with Ray and Mikey, but I fell like Mikey doesn't want me around right now. I'm really on edge right now, even though Bert isn't around. I'm worried about his friends. I'm worried that they'll do Bert's job while he's gone. I'm watching their table closely, also watching Mikey. I don't want him to get hurt anymore. "Are you even listening to me?" Frank says. Honestly, no, I wasn't listening. Now I feel awful. "Babe, I'm sorry, what were you saying?" I replay. Frank pouts a little, then shakes his head. "Never mind..." he mumbles. That's just great. Now I'm an asshole.
I slip my arm around his waist and kiss his hair. "Frankie, I'm sorry. I'll listen now, I promise," I say. He shakes his head again, pushing me away. "No, it's fine, it wasn't important anyway," he says. I try to grab his hand, but the second my finger touches his hand, he pulls back. "Frank, don't be mad at me. What you were saying is important. I want to hear it." I tell him. He scoffs and sits up quickly. "Obviously it wasn't that important. You would have been listening if it was," he snaps. My eyes widen. Frank's never been mad at me before, not like this. "Frank, I.. I'm really sorry! Things are super hectic, you know that! I have a lot on my mind, but that doesn't mean what you have to say isn't important," I tell him. He looks down, then over to me... then glares. "Yup, I get that, but clearly, I'm not one of those things on your mind anymore, am I?" He says quietly, and it just about shatters my heart.
Before I get the chance to say anymore, I see someone at Mikey's table out of the corner of my eye. I turn to see better, and when I do, my rage sets in. Jeph Howard, Bert's friend. I knew this was going to happen. I watch them closely, making sure that Jeph doesn't pull any shit. I wish I could read lips. I really wish that... "Gerard?! Ugh, damn it! The minute I try to talk to you again... you aren't listening!!!" Frank shouts, turning eyes to me. Holy shit, I can't win here! I try to speak again, but I see it happen. Jeph raises a fist and swings it at Mikey. "No... dammit. Frank, come with me," I say, grabbing his arm. Despite his protest, he follows, grabbing my shirt as I walk up behind Jeph, whose beating the shit out of Mikey.
"Get away from him! Don't ever touch my brother again!" I shout as I yank Jeph away. He walks away with a "fuck you Ways." I look at Mikey and get down on my knees to face him. "Mikey are you okay? Tell me what hurts." I say. He looks up at smiles a little. "Might save you time if I tell you what doesn't hurt," he says. I roll my eyes at his sarcasm. "Seriously Mikey are you okay?" I ask. The look in Mikey's eyes worries me. "I'm not sure... maybe..." he says. That answer isn't near good enough. I grab his shirt and lift it up to see what happened. When I do, I see the blood coming through his bandages. "Holy shit..." I say. When Mikey looks at it, I can tell he's starting to panic. "Gee, help me!" he says.
I pick him up in my arms, even though I'm sure he can walk just fine. Carrying him, Frank and Ray follow me. I guess I'll have to deal with Frank later. I get to the nurse and lay him down. "Please help him," I say. The nurse gives me an odd look, but nods anyway. I look over at Mikey when he grabs my hand. "Hey, can I go home when this is over? I don't think it's too bad," he says. I smile a little and say. "Sure Mikey, if you're okay, then you can go home." Mikey smiles back and lays his head down. "Good, because I don't think I can go through another class," he tells me. Mikey can get pretty dramatic, and I guess we share that trait. Frank's told me this multiple times.
I back away from Mikey so that the nurse can help him better. I look at Frank and I attempt to hold his and, but he pulls it away. Again. I understand that things are too crazy for everything to make sense, but I'm not trying to ignore Frank. I'd never do that to him intentionally. Things are just so insane right now, it's not my fault. But hopefully it'll calm down soon and i can get him to trust me again. "Will they didn't open up too badly, only a little. You should be alright, the bleeding will stop. And going home is probably a good idea too," the nurse says. I focus back on Mikey. He tries to sit up, but he's in quite a bit of pain. The nurse starts to wrap up the wounds again. I remember that I brought his pills with me. I quickly reach in my pocket and grab them, pouring a couple into my hands for him.
"What's this?" He asks. I smile and shrug at him. "You forgot about the pills, you didn't bring em. So I did," I explain. He takes them gratefully and swallows them. "So I can just... go home?" He asks. The nurse nods and gives him a slip of paper, telling him to give it to the secretary. Mikey points out that I will be the one to have to take him home and thankfully, the nurse is okay with it. I help Mikey stand up, not doing much help, but it's something. I walk him out of the office, thanking the nurse for her help. Mikey hands the note to the aging woman at the front desk. I let her know that I'm taking him home, and that I'll return as soon as I do so.
The four of us go to the cafeteria to get Mikey's things. I turn to Frank, laying a hand on his shoulder. "I'll be back as soon as I can," I say. He untenses only a little and nods. I turn to Mikey, he's buried in one of Ray's hugs. I smile, knowing that Ray's safe for Mikey, really good for him. Behind them though, Jeph is back with his friends, laughing like nothing happened. I knew the teachers would've turned a blind eye. They always do when it comes to the 'unpopular' kids. I take Mikey's hand and we walk out of the building together. When we get to the car, I'm tempted to talk to Mikey about what happened, but know it'll end the same way it always does. I don't want to battle him right now. Our ride home is silent, though I do ask him if he's alright. He only nodded. When we get home, I'm a little worried about letting him be on his own. I'm worried about his safety. I don't like when he's alone.
"Mikey are you gonna be alright by yourself? I mean, do you need me to stay here? " I ask. He gives me a distressed look. "I'll be fine on my own, Gee. Don't worry about me," he says. I sometimes wish that I didn't have to worry about him so much, but I do. "Alright... just take it easy, okay? I don't want you getting hurt when there's no on around to help you," I say. Mikey nods and gets out of the car. As I'm driving away, I'm relieved to realize that since Bert's absent, and Mikey's at home, it'll be the first day in months that Mikey gets a break. I drive a little slower now, happier, calmer. I can fix things with frank, with Mikey, with myself; because I'm not letting Mikey get hurt like that again, or anyone that I love. I'm going to protect him with everything that I've got, even if it kills me.
I get back to school soon after, lunch hasn't even ended yet. I find Frank sitting with Ray. Before I get to them, I see that Frank is crying, and Ray is trying to cheer him up. Is he crying because of me? Have I upset him this much? I sit on the other side of the table, trying not to get Frank's attention. Ray sees me and purses his lips a bit. "N-no it wont! Gerard's too busy for me now. I don't mean to sound whiny and obsessive, but I miss when he paid attention to me," he says. Ray gives me a look of apology and I feel a lump rising in my throat. I've got to fix things with Frank fast, or else he might leave me.
I stare at Frank for a while as he talks about how much he hates how lonely he's gotten while I've been so busy. It's heart breaking to hear how much I've actually hurt Frank. I want to say something, but I can't bring myself to actually do this. I feel tears slip from my eyes, trickling down my cheeks. Ray looks back at me, then says to Frank. Hey, maybe you're being over dramatic. I'm sure he doens't mean to make you feel this way." Frank scoffs, rubbing his eyes. "Maybe not, but he sure isn't doing anything to make things work for us. Maybe... we aren't supposed to be together," he says. I gasp and reach out, grabbing his hand. "Frankie no, I love you! I can make this work! I can make us work! Please, I promise that I can make everything better, just don't leave me!" I beg.
Frank jerks away with wide eyes. "G-Gerard?! When did you get here? H-how much did you hear?" He asks. I wipe my eyes and reach for Frank's hand again. "I've been here long enough to know how terrible I've been to you. I'm sorry, I can't say it enough, I'm so sorry," I say. He bites his lip, pulling his hand away again. "But you wouldn't have cared if you didn't hear what I just said," he mutters. My heart sinks and I look down. "That's not true, Frank. I care a lot. But when I heard you say that, I realized how much I've hurt you. I'm sorry. Things are going to change," I tell him. Frank sighs sadly, shaking his head. "You just keep believing that," he says. He gets up when the bell rings, leaving me behind with Ray. He looks at me and smiles sadly. "You tried your best, Gerard," he says. But did I really?
I spend the rest of my school day trying to figure out how I'm going to save my relationship with Frank. If I mess this up anymore. I'm going to lose him. He means so much to me, losing him would be devastating. I've fallen so in love with him, I don't think I could ever love anyone the same way ever again. I hope that eventually, Mikey will find a person he can love this much. it's an incredible feeling, until you realize that the person you love so much might leave you. It hurts even more when you know it's your fault. I don't know what I'd do without Frank, I'll be crushed. That's why I have to do everything in my power to keep him from leaving me. I need to show him how much I really love him.
After school, I go to the spot that Frank and I meet everyday. Surprisingly enough, Frank is there, leaning up against the wall, his sunglasses placed over his eyes. I walk up to him and hesitantly touch his arm. "Hi Frank," I say softly. Frank looks up and raises his hand into a small wave. "Hey," he replies, monotone. I consider grabbing his hand, but decide against it. Frank and I walk to the car together. "Because Mikey went home today, we can all do something together, if you want," I say quietly as a way to start a conversation with him. Frank puts his seat belt on and shrugs. "Sure, I guess," He mutters. I sigh and start the car. It's probably best not to annoy him right now. I drive down the road, my mind racing. I just want to get home and figure this all out.
When we do get home, I open Frank's door for him, but he shrugs me off saying, "I can do it myself, y'know. I'm blind, not stupid." I watch him as he storms inside. I wish he wasn't mad at me. I go inside after him, dropping my bag on the couch. "Mikey! We're home," I call. I go upstairs to Mikey's room, but the door is open and the lights are off. He's not in his room, so I search the rest of the house, calling for him. He's not home. "Dammit, Mikey! Where are you?" I hiss. I rush to the living room, where Frank is. "Frank, Mikey's not here. I don't know where he is. I'm scared," I say. Frank looks down and makes a small groan noise. "Of course he isn't here, what a fucking surprise," he says bitterly.
I want to yell at Frank for talking so rudely about Mikey, but I won't. I know he must be upset with Mikey for taking away his attention again. "Frank, don't be mad at him, he doesn't try to have this happen. Well, he must've left the house intentionally, but not to get all of my attention. We just... we have to find him, then you and I can do whatever the hell we want," I say. He pouts a little, then nods. "Alright, where do you think he is?" He asks, defeated. I take his hand and pull him up off the couch. "I have no idea... unless, god, I hope I'm wrong," I say. What if he's with Bert? I run to the window, looking out. Just as I thought. His car is gone. I run my fingers through my hair, letting out a huge exhale. This isn't how I wanted today to go at all.
I take Frank by the hand again and go to my car. "Okay, where the hell does that nasty bastard live?" I ask. I tap my fingers on the steering wheel and glare. Frank rests his head on the window and shrugs. "Try squeezing the answers out of Jeph?" He suggests. Well, that obviously won't work. I'm not exactly "intimidating" enough to get him, or anyone for that matter, to tell me anything. I drive around the block once, trying to clear my mind. "I'm going to assume that your silence means that my idea was stupid," Frank mumbles. I glance over at him and shake my head. "No, it wasn't stupid. It might have worked if someone else did it, not me," I say. He shrugs and takes off his sunglasses. "Yeah right," he grumbles. I frown and continue to drive. Currently, conversation with Frank is pointless.
What if Mikey isn't with Bert? He could be out doing something else. Anything else. I grab my phone, calling my little brother. It takes a while, but he eventually answers. "Yeah?" He says. Frank lifts his head to listen better. "Mikey, where are you? Why did you leave the house?" I ask, shifting in my seat a little. "I"m just driving around a bit, but don't worry about me," he says. Does he really expect me to believe him after how often he's lied so far? It's like the boy who cried wolf, only the opposite. He keeps saying he's fine and that I should trust him, so I would, but now that I know they're all lies. "Mikey, don't lie to me. What are you dong?" I ask. I hear someone talking on the other end of the phone, and it's not Mikey. "Who are you with?" I ask, pressing more. Mikey sighs. "Like I said, I"m driving and you're hearing the radio," he says. I still don't like this feeling that he's not telling me the truth.
What's so hard for him to be honest with me? "Well.... okay, be home tonight. And please Mikey, please be safe," I say hesitantly. Mikey hangs up the phone and I toss it to the side. I look over at Frank and say, "Well, if Mikey's telling me the truth, then he's okay. So it's just you and me. And like I said, we can do anything you want. I know that you and I haven't spent enough time together, but we can now," I say. Frank frowns and shakes his head. "No, I just sort of want to be alone actually. I got some stuff to think about," he says. Really? The one time we have together, he wants to be alone. "Okay, we can just go home then. But tell me if you change your mind," I say, trying not to sound upset. Frank sinks into his chair and nods. "Okay, thanks," he mutters. I try not to cry as I drive back home. Frank isn't happy. I'm his boyfriend, it's my job to make him happy. I'm failing.
The minute I part in the driveway, Frank's out the door. I sigh as he slams the door shut behind him. I wish he'd stop being mad at me. I go inside as well, the house is so quiet. Frank probably went to his room, leaving me to myself. I lean against the door and slide to the carpet. I feel so bad. I didn't know how badly I was affecting Frank with my occupation with Mikey. I really just need to talk to him, but he said he wanted to be alone, so I have to respect that. But what if... what if Frank said he wanted to be alone but actually wanted me to talk to him? Is this a test to see if I really care about him? If it is, then I have to make sure that I don't disappoint him again.
I get up and go to Frank's door, knocking. "Leave me alone, Gerard," Frank says. I swallow and rest my arm on the door. "Frank, I really thing it's important that we talk," I say. He lets out an audible groan and opens the door. The first thing I notice is the redness and blotching of his face. His eyes are watery and there are tear stains on his cheeks. He's been crying. "Frank, are you okay?" I ask. He nods, but still cries. Next thing I see is a suitcase open on the bed, clothes messily (blindly) thrown in. That makes my stomach sink and twist. "What's going on?" I ask worriedly. Frank turns his head down and sniffles, bringing it back up. I'm not sure if what I'm about to hear is anything near what I'd like to. My heart beat was crazy, but nearly stops cold when he says, "I'm leaving."
-Mikey's POV-
Bert stares at me with angry and confused eyes. "The fuck are you doing here, Way?" He asks. I shift my weight from side to side, unsure of how to really answer that. "Um, I... I... just wanted to... t-talk to you? Please, don't hurt me," I stammer. He glares at me and raises an eyebrow. "Uh, yeah right," he says. He starts to close the door, but I stop it. He looks up at me and clenches his jaw. "Bert, I'm serious about this," I say. He rolls his eyes. "I thought I told you never to come back here," he hisses. I bite my lip and nod. "Yeah, I know you said that, but I have questions and I need answers," I admit. He looks totally pissed, and confused, and oddly nervous. "Okay, fine. Get it the fuck over with," he mutters.
I nod, slowly walking in behind him. "What do you want?" he asks. Nervously, I play with my jacket strings. "Um, well first, I guess... I wanna know why you wanted me to say I love you... and what you mean when you needed to hear it... and that I wouldn't understand?" I ask. He scoffs, raising an eyebrow. "That's like three questions in one, first of ll, And second, what makes you think I'll tell you?" He says. I make a small noise in my throat. He's right, why should he tell me anything? He hates me, so why would he answer a single one of these questions? But dammit, he owes me for what he's done. I clench my fists, facing him directly. "You'll tell me because... when you did say all of those things, after you fucking stabbed me... I saw something about you and the look in your face. It changed. You were a completely different person in that second and I want to know what that was about," I say.
Bert looks even more confused. And perhaps a little less angry. "The hell is that supposed to mean?" He asks, his voice quieter than normal. I shrug and rub my arm. "I saw a change for a second, and the way you seemed you'd be like that was like a better side of you or something..." He gives me this look that have tells me that he wants to kill me, half wants to cry. "There is no other side. And if there was, there's no way it would be better. What you've seen is all there is," he says. I shake my head and walk closer, my confidence a little higher now. "No, I know what I saw. You looked guilty, like you cared and you actually can be better than this. What's wrong with being a better person? Why is the hurtful, mean side the only you that people see? What are you afraid of?" I say. He advances on me, raising a fist. He goes in to hit me, but stops midway. He look sat me and he has tears in his eyes. Bert McCracken is on the verge of tears.
He drops his fists and falls back into a chair. Bringing his knees to his chest and hiding his face in them. I'm speechless as I watch his shoulders shake and I hear small sobs. I can't believe that I just made him cry. He slowly lifts his head, his lob black hair falling in his face, hiding himself from me. "Why... why do you even care?!" He shouts. I take a step back. How do I answer this? "I don't know really, I shouldn't care. I should just let you be alone and helpless, but I wont," I say. He shakes his head and looks down. "No, I mean, why do you care if there's another part of me or not?" He asks. I smile a little and walk back toward him. "Because if you showed it, which I know it's better, then you would have to force people to love you, it could just happen on it's own," I explain.
He says nothing, just stares at me for a very long time. He hardly looks like the same person anymore. The tears and fear in his eyes are unlike anything I'd ever expect from him. The anger is gone, he just looks plain lost, but more... human. Maybe I can even help. I don't know why I should or why I want to, but I do. I might be able to do something good for someone else, something that doesn't involve anyone getting hurt. "Do you think that would work?" He asks? God, even his voice is different. I smile more and nod. "Absolutely, once I lowered my guard more, I got an old friend back, and I got my brother back. Changing your attitude about stuff worked for me, it should for you," I say. He stares stolidly at the floor and sighs. "Okay... but I don't know how. Or where to even start, it's gonna be really new to me," he says. I nod and sit in the chair next to him. "That's where I come in," I say.
We spend the next couple of hours talking. Well, mostly, Bert cried and apologized, then cried and apologized some more... for a couple more times in a row. Then we got interrupted by a phone call from Gerard. He was worried why I wasn't home. I guess I can't blame him either. When I turn back to Bert, he's crying, again. "What now?" I ask, not in an annoyed way, but a curious way. This new Bert cries a lot. He rubs his eyes and says, "It's just that... you're really lucky to have each other, like, you're never really alone. You've got your brother around to help." I sit beside him again and think about that. "Don't you have someone What about your parents? I mean, I never see them, but I assume they're around... right?" I ask. He hiccups a little and starts to tear up a bit more. "No... I haven't seen them in a damn long time," he says.
"It was when I was six, my parents left for the weekend, which was normal for them. But on that next Monday, they weren't home. I waited a few days, but I started to get this feeling that they weren't ever coming home. I knew for sure that they weren't coming back when my uncle showed up at the house one day. He hates family, he only ever visited when he was forced to. After that, he'd drop by with groceries, payed the bills, kinda kept me alive. No one was there for my emotional needs though. I eventually got old enough to take care of myself. I started paying bills at thirteen with money he mailed over. It's how it's always been. I'm used to being alone, I guess. And my friends, they don't really care about me, so they aren't much help," he explains. I can't believe what I'm hearing. It's not what I was expecting from him. Having to live alone at such a young age. "Weren't you scared?" I ask.
He nods and sits back. "Yeah, for the first couple of years. I used to have these nightmares that scared me shitless, but I had no one to tell the I'd be okay, or that it wasn't real, or make me feel safe. But I got over it pretty quick. That doesn't mean I wasn't still scared though, it just mean I learned to suck it up and move on," he says. Shit, he was more hurt and lonely than I thought. I'm not used to him being so honest and not hurting me. It's something I have to get used to. "I got really jealous though," he continues. "I was jealous of all the other people who had families. They weren't scared, and I wanted what thy had. So I got angry at the kids from school. I got violent with them because that's how I learned to deal with my anger. No one told me it was wrong. So that's why I get violent... But then there was... Gerard Way." I gasp a little bit. Is he really going to tell me why he hurt my brother. I lean closer an inch or so.
"It was in the seventh grade, I had already been bullying him for a few years. But one day, I called him a faggot, called him gay. And he just said, "so what if I am?" He actually came out to all of us, every single one of his classmates knew he was gay. I got angrier and more violent because he did it so fearlessly. And I could never do that. He and I aren't too different actually, but it's the fact that he's able to say that he's gay, and I can't admit that, not even to myself. I'm too afraid," he says. My eyes widen a little. I'm not shocked that Bert's gay, I'm shocked that he's jealous of Gerard. "Mikey?" He says. I look at him and tilt my head. "You aren't going to tell everyone right? You're the only one who knows any of this. Please, just don't tell," he says. I shake my head quickly and lift my hand up. "I promise, I will never do that. You don't have to worry," I say.
Bert smiles and it's probably the most shocking thing I've seen all day. For once, he looks happy about something. There's nothing mean or cruel about it, he's just genuinely happy. It's honestly contagious, I smile right back without even thinking. We talk for a while longer about a lot of things. Things he likes and/or dislikes, things that I like and/or dislike and then of course, more crying from Bert. He's not used to this sort of emotion. After a while, he looks at the clock and his face falls. "It's seven. You should go home before Gerard starts freaking out," he says. I hadn't noticed how fast time went by. I nod and stand up, but I gasp loudly. The pain meds wear off too fast. I fall back onto the couch and whimper quietly. "Are you okay, Mikey?!" He asks. I nod and get back, trying hard to ignore it. "I'm fine, I just gotta get home," I say. He frowns, but nods anyway. "It was my fault... wasn't it? What I did to you?" He asks. I nod again and he frowns. "I'm sorry," he says for the thousandth time today. "It's fine, really, I'm okay," I say. Before I leave, he pulls me into a soft hug. "Thank you Mikey, so much," he whispers. And despite my pain, I hug him back.
Over the course of a few hours. Bert has made an unbelievable change. He went from a heartless jerk to a scared guy whose heart needs help healing. I actually started to fix Bert McCracken. What if I succeed? How would things change? Could Bert and I become friends? Could he and Gerard become friends? I already know that the two have a lot in common. They might actually get along. Bert needs more friend, and so doe Gerard. I think this new Bert is a good guy, from what I've seen. I don't know too much about him yet, but I'll figure it out. And if Bert is so alone, I want to keep going over there to keep him company. It's strange... the same guy who nearly killed me is somehow the same guy I spent my day with.
When I get home, the lights are on and Gerard is looking out the window. I wonder how long he's been standing there? I get out of the car and Gerard comes outside, heading toward me. He looks pissed and upset. "Where the hell were you? You've been gone for hours! Don't expect me to believe that you've been driving for that long!" He shouts. I sigh, walking to the door, Gerard following quickly. "Don't walk away from me! Answer me! I think I deserve some answers here Mikey. Why did you leave the house? Why didn't you at least tell me you were leaving, you scared me half to death! Were you with Bert? Were you with that freak?!" He presses.
I spin around and glare. "I was just out, that's all you need to know. I don't need to check in with you when I want to get out of the house! And who cares what I was doing? Do you need a fucking play-by-play?!" I snap. He glares back and slams the door. "I don't need your smart ass comments, Mikey, I want straight forward answers. Now," he spits. I groan and drop my bag. "What's wrong with you Gerard? What's got you in such a bitchy mood?" I ask. Gerard freezes and now looks really sad. What did happen? "Frank... wants to go to a foster home," he says quietly.
"Frank's leaving?" I ask, surprised. I thought he was happy here, guess now. Gerard looks at me, then starts to cry. "He... he didn't really say much. He just told me he was leaving and that he wasn't going to change his mind. Mikey, I messed up so badly with him. I-I don't want to mess up with you too. I need you too, more than you know. I don't hate you Mikey, despite what you might believe. I love you so much. Don't leave me behind like Frank is," he says. I walk toward him and wrap my arms around his body. He leans into me and sobs into my shoulder. I guess it's another round of tears for me.
Gerard keeps talking, "And... and when I found out that Bert was the one hurting you, I... I couldn't believe it. I don't know why he did this to you! And I can't really do anything about this... he's stronger than me. You don't deserve this. But it turns out that I do. I was ignoring Frank. I neglected him. I didn't know what I was doing, but now he's going away. I'm so sorry Mikey. I'm going to try hard to be here for you. I promise!" He cries. I hold him tight and stroke his hair. I know he's going to be upset about what happened with Bert, that was obvious, but he definitely doesn't deserve that sort of abuse either. Nobody really does.
Gerard tries to tell me that he wants to make a plan to keep Frank home, but I have to talk him out of it. We can't force Frank to stay somewhere that he wants to leave. Later, Mom comes home. "Hey boys, are you don't okay?" She asks. Gerard has stopped crying by now, and his skin color has returned to his usual pale pale white. But the minute he sees her, he breaks down again. Mom runs over to the couch beside him and puts her arms around him. "What's wrong Gerard?!" She asks. And Gerard tells her in a choppy, sobbing way about how Frank wants to leave, but he leaves out the part about Bert.
I watch sympathetically as my brother sobs into Mom's shoulders. I've never had my heart broken, mostly because I've never fallen in love. But seeing Gerard like this proves that broken hearts are all too real. I can imagine how painful it would be to have to see the person you love leave you behind. Listening to Gerard cry and Mom comfort him, I start to think about how far we've all come. Every single one of us have changed. Gerard and I stopped hating each other, Frank got free from his dad, and even Bert's a better man. I know that we can make it through this. We have to try.
"M-Mikey?" Gerard says. I look to him and he says. "C'mere. I want a hug from you too." I smile an little and scoot closer to him, wrapping my arms around him again. He rests his head on my shoulder now, sniffling. "You'll be okay sweetie, I promise. You're strong, both of you are, I love you," Mom says. I look up at her and my heart sinks. He eyes are sunken in a little, dark bags underneath. Her hair is thrown up carelessly. I see the stress and strain in her eyes. I never give her the respect she deserves, do I?
Mom works so hard to keep Gerard and I happy. And now that I know that not all kids have any parents around for them, I have a new found respect for her. She works her ass off, she had to go through a divorce with Dad, and she has to take care of kids who don't appreciate her. Well, I can help with some of that. There's nothing I can do about Dad, but I can appreciate her a lot, and respect her, help her out as much as I can. I'm going to try my hardest to be there for everyone in my life. Mom, Gerard, even Bert. Things are going to change even more around here, aren't they?
Notes
I know, it took forever to update, but I lost my pages that I had written the fanfiction on. At first, I thought I had accidentally thrown them away, so I panicked, but it's okay, I found them! Also, I'm getting plenty ideas for the chapters ahead. Don't give up on me pleases. :3
Frankie.. Don't leave.. Gee needs you! :,(
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9/20/14