Chapter Twenty Seven: And these words changing nothing

Gerard woke late that morning, he decided it was too late to get up and get breakfast but too early to get any lunch so he stared at his ceiling for a while, just thinking to pass the time. Eventually his mind drifted back to the memory of when he found Frank ... and the letter. In all the panic about Frank, Gerard had completely forgotten about the piece of paper he had found that day with his name written upon it. Jumping off his bed and landing his feet on the floor like a cat, Gerard proceeded to look for the note. Finally he found it happily curled up at the bottom of his jacket pocket, the edges of the paper had begun to curl inwards.

"Dear Gerard,

If your reading this, I'm sorry. For everything. But for this especially.

I know you love me, and I love you, but I just can't take it anymore. The thought of having to see Bert everyday horrifys me, but what horrifys me more is the idea of you having to see him. The idea of you two seeing each other everyday is horrifying to me. I love you Gerard but I just can't trust you with him, everything's just so messed up. I'm sorry.

I love you,

Frank xxx"

Gerard fell to the floor, grasping the piece of paper in his hand as he did so. Frank had tried to kill himself because of Gerard? His mind was now filled with guilt, the only person he had ever truly loved had tried to kill themselves because of him ... and Bert. Gerard began to fill with rage. The pain and suffering, all of it was Bert's fault. In a burst of anger, Gerard balled his hands into fists and began to punch the wall closest to him, his knuckles becoming bloody and cut. Underneath his bed he'd kept a bottle of vodka, it was supposed to be for celebrating special occasions on his own but instead, Gerard drank as much as he could - only pausing because of his burning throat. When the glass bottle ran dry, he clumsily stood, throwing the glass against his bedroom door and watching as shards of glass tinkled to the floor, glistening in the light.

"Gerard?" His mother shouted from the other side of the doorway, "What's going on in there?"

"Nuffin'!" Gerard shouted back, picking up one of the glistening shards of glass from the floor and raising it up into the light, grinning psychotically. He pulled his sleeves up and looked his new blade up and down before pressing the cool glass into his arm and dragging it across, moaning lightly as it dug through his skin.

"Gerard?" His mother shouted once again, rattling the door which was locked.

"I told you nothing! Go away!" Gerard shouted, angry his mother was interrupting him. He carried on dragging the blade across his skin, moving it occasionally to already scarred areas of his pale flesh and letting the glass rip through it.

"Gerard honey just open the door please?" His mother pleaded.

"No I'm fine just go away!" Gerard screamed as his mother carried on rattling the locked door. "Dammit." Gerard muttered, opening his first storey bedroom window and climbing out, leaving his mother to talk to herself.

"Yoohoo! Whore!" Gerard shouted, taking a swig from the bottle of whiskey he had found next to a bus stop. "Talk back to me then you little whore!" Gerard shouted at Bert's house.

"What the hell Gerard?" Bert shouted as he stepped through the front doorway and made his way down the path towards Gerard.

"You little whore," Gerard hissed, shoving Bert backwards, "did you know Frank tried to kill himself? Because of you you little slut!" Gerard screeched, shoving Bert so hard he tripped and fell backwards infront of Gerard. "And don't think your talking your way out of this one bitch." Gerard hissed, kneeling down next to Bert and grabbing a handful of his thick, greasy hair. "Because your not." Gerard took his last swig from the whiskey bottle before smashing it against the floor, dropping the shards of glass in his hand and throwing his curled up fist into Bert's face. Gerard repeatedly hit Bert until both his hands and Bert's face were covered in blood, never to mind their clothes. Throughout the beating Gerard had bitten his tongue, the blood from it slowly trickling from his lips down his chin and dripping onto his shirt. "It's all your fault." Gerard hissed, standing up and kicking Bert's crotch. One, twice and again just for good luck.

"Gerard stop! What the hell are you doing!" Ray screamed from across the street. Gerard turned slowly to see Ray running towards him and Bob following closely, dragging a large grey husky behind him with a black leash.

"Jesus Christ Gerard!" Bob exclaimed as he saw Bert's bloodied face. Ray grabbed one of Gerard's arms - the one he had been using to punch Bert - and pulled him away.

"What the hell Gerard? What was that about?" He screeched, worry plastered across his face. Gerard gulped and took in his surroundings, staring at Bert's crumpled body lying unconscious on the floor.

"He," he paused, trying to find the right words, "Frank tried to kill himself because of Bert. Because he was afraid of what might happen between me and Bert." Gerard spoke softly, finally sobering up slightly and realising what he had done.

"Wait," Bob sniffed the air around Gerard, "Christ Gerard! Your pissed!" He exclaimed.

"C'mon Gerard, you can have a coffee at mine and sober up, then we're taking you back home. Don't argue it's happening." Ray spoke calmly before holding onto Gerard's arm and pulling him in the direction of his house.

"But, what about the dog?" Bob shouted after the two of them.

"Take it back to your uncle! Tell him somethin' came up! We can walk it tomorrow!" Ray shouted over his shoulder, still dragging Gerard.

"I'm sorry man." Gerard whispered, taking the cup of coffee Ray had given him and gulping it down.

"S'ok, we can walk his uncles dog another day," Ray smiled kindly at Gerard, "now tell me, what the hell was all that about?" He asked, a note of worry touching his voice.

"Like I said, Frank," Gerard had to take a deep breath before he carried on, "Frank tried to kill himself, because of Bert. Because he was afraid of anything that might happen between us. Which for the record is nothing!" Gerard added on in a hysteric voice. Ray smiled.

"I know that, you know that, I think even Frank knows that, but he's always been a worrier. There's no changing him, that's the way he is. He worries about everything." Ray smiled again.

"I suppose." Gerard mumbled into his coffee.

"Look, don't take this the wrong way Gerard but maybe you should just stay away from Frank for a bit, I mean, don't get me wrong you should talk to him and stuff but just let things settle down, you know what he's like about making rash decisions." Ray smiled kindly before tilting his head slightly towards the doorway as if expecting someone to walk in.

"Hey Mrs Toro." Bob said from the front doorway, his footsteps getting closer to the living room until he was stood in the doorway.

"Hey you two." Bob muttered, walking closer to the two boys and sitting down next to his boyfriend. "Have ya found out what all that was about yet?" Bob asked Ray, acting as if Gerard wasn't in the room.

"Yes, it was about Frank." Ray spoke softly to Bob, moving his hand so it was sat on top of Bob's.

"Even I could've guessed that one." Bob laughed lightly, staring into Ray's eyes.

"I think you've sobered up." Ray looked back at Gerard, taking his cup from him and placing it on the coffee table.

"Thanks Ray, and you Bob I suppose." Gerard laughed and stood up, running his hands through his hair.

"No problem, anything for a friend." Ray smiled, walking Gerard to the front door.

"Bye guys!" Gerard shouted over his back at his two friends stood in Ray's doorway. Gerard's phone beeped just as the two boys were out of vision.

"Hey Gee! How's it going? Frank xxx"

Gerard smiled, shook his head slightly and put his phone back in his pocket. Was there anything he wouldn't do for that kid?