Oh My Agony

The sound of the heart monitor beeping a repetitive rhythm was what had awoken her. She was still in the chair at the end of the hospital bed in which she had fallen asleep in the night before. Nothing had changed except for the amount of daylight that was creeping through the cracks of the closed blinds. She had spent the night here, unable to leave his side. Not even for the slightest second. She blinked and turned to the man asleep in the hospital bed; instantly reminded of how terrible a day it really was. She reached to her right, grabbing the string for the blinds and pulled it down. Sunlight rushed into the room as the blinds rose, the birds chirping happily in the big Oak tree outside the hospital room window. Little specks of dust danced and flickered in the sunlight. Everything was beautiful- it all seemed so perfect but deep down, her heart was shattering and just hanging on by a very thin rope. Everything was far from perfect.
The love of her life, her candle in the dark was still asleep in the bed across from her chair. His skin was much paler than usual, his smile had grown much weaker over time and he had lost all of his beautiful black hair from the chemotherapy. She remained sitting in her chair, watching him sleep. He always looked happiest when he was asleep; he looked so peaceful. She sat, wondering how such a terrible thing could happen to anyone. She leaned forward and hid her face in her hands. He stirred around in his sleep and she lifted her head from her hands. She watched him for a second time. When he had finally opened his eyes, she smiled and stood up and walked to the side of the bed. He rolled his head on his pillow to face her and smiled a weak, but genuine smile.

"Hey," he whispered softly.
"Hey," she whispered back, holding his hand in hers. "How are you feeling?"
"Groggy, but really happy you’re here" he smiled wider.
"I'm glad to see you're finally awake,” she smiled, hiding a sniffle. He coughed.
"[I]Turn away,[/I]” he said, pulling his hand from her grasp. He covered his mouth and turned away to finish coughing. “[I]If you could get me a drink of water? ’Cause my lips are chapped and faded,[/I]” he said, looking back to her.
"Of course,” she replied.

She turned her back to him and walked to the table that was next to her chair. Hands shaking, she managed to pick up the plastic pitcher of cold water and poured some into the clear plastic cup. Gently placing the pitcher back onto the table, she took a deep breath, threw on a forced smile and walked back to his side with the cup of water in her hand. She handed it to him and he took a couple of sips, placing it on the night stand next to the hospital bed between them.

"That's better thanks," he smiled.
"Is there anything else?" she asked, grabbing his hand again.
"[I]Call my aunt Marie, help her gather all my things.[/I]"
"Gerard, we’ll deal with that if the time comes," she frowned.
"[I]And bury me in all my favorite colors,[/I]" he chuckled lightly.
"That's not funny," she said sternly.

As she held his hand in hers, she looked down at him and wondered how he could make such a joke at a time like this. It took all she has to fight back any tears. She leaned down to kiss his lips but he turned away and sighed.

"[I]I will not kiss you,[/I]" he said.
"Why not," she asked. He turned back to her, a frown replacing his beautiful smile.
"[I]'Cause, the hardest part of this, is leaving you.[/I]"

She pulled herself back up and continued to look down at him. She noticed his eyes weren’t as bright as and cheerful as they used to be. They hadn’t been that way for a while. This broke her heart even more. He looked away, pulling the sheets up to his chest with his free hand. He then turned back to her and frowned.

"[I]Now turn away, 'cause I'm awful just to see,[/I]" he frowned. "[I]'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,[/I]" he said, pointing to his head.
"You look absolutely handsome," she smiled, leaning down and kissing his forehead.
"[I]Oh, my agony[/I]," he frowned even more. "[I]Know that I will never marry.[/I]”
"Gerard, why are you talking like this?!” she choked. He noticed her tears forming and lifted her hand to his lips, placing a soft delicate kiss to the top of her hand.
"[I]Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,[/I]" he replied. "[I]But countin’ down the days to go, it just ain’t livin’[/I].”

She went silent. Hearing him speak like this, tore her apart. She felt one of her tears inching it’s way to the edge of her eye. She let go of his hand and turned her back to him. She couldn’t do it any more- she couldn’t be strong. The tears fell and she sniffled, wiping them with the back of her hand as soon as they rolled from her eyes and down her cheeks. He whispered her name from behind her.

"Don’t be afraid to cry in front of me,” he said. She turned around and looked at him. “I love you,” he smiled widely.
"I love you too,” she sniffled, walking back over to the side of the bed. She took his hand back into hers.
"[I]And I just hope you know that if you say goodbye today, I’d ask you to be true.[/I]”

She tightened her grip on his hand. She couldn't stand to let him go. ‘This is it,’ she thought, ‘this is the end.’ This time she let the tears fall and they rolled down her warm cheeks. He looked up at her, his eyes full of love and compassion as his smile grew wider.

"[I]'Cause the hardest part of this[/I]," he trailed off to kiss the top of her hand again, "[I]is leaving you.[/I]"The heart monitor went flat and his grip on her hand loosened. His eyes glazed and closed and his smile relaxed into a neutral expression. She felt her heart shatter into a million little shards of glass and fall into the pit of her stomach. Her chest tightened, her stomach dropped to her feet and her breathing became almost impossible. She slowly let go of his hand as the nurses rushed into the room. She could feel her knees growing weak; unable to hold her body weight- she needed to sit down. She slowly backed away and silently sat in the chair. The tears poured down her cheeks as everything around her went into slow-motion. He was gone.

Notes