You're So Dark

“So now that you've milked me off of my privacy,” Gerard glares at Brendon’s grinning face, “I need your help.”

Since Brendon obviously can’t talk and is in gay wonderland, Ryan sighs. “Shoot.”

“I need you to come with me to the mall. It’s Christmas in like three days and I still haven’t bought Frank anything.”

And it’s true, he’s really anxious about it because he’s afraid he might not find anything good enough, but he knows it would be so much worse if he actually found something and Frank didn’t like it. So, he’s kind of fucked. Scratch that. He’s almost as fucked as he was last night, and this time it’s not in a good way.

“Sure. Bren, you in?” Ryan nudges Brendon and he flinches.

“Ouch. Douche,” he elbows Ryan’s side. “And yes. I’m in.”

“Good,” Gerard sighs.

*

“I’m not buying him a dildo, you fucking pervert,” Gerard scoffs as Ryan drives past a sex shop and Brendon eyes him carefully. “I said no!”

“Why though?” Brendon whines, “It’s something both of you could use.”

Gerard rolls his eyes and waves him off, curling up on the back seat like an offended lamb. He hears Brendon complain about something but he dismisses it and shoves his earphones in, texting Frank absent-mindedly.

To: Frank
From: Gerard
I need advice on getting away with murder pls its urgent

His head is already buzzing with gore and pictures of him and Frank running out of the country, changing their names to Sombrero and Muchacho and moving to Mexico when his phone buzzes the familiar, irritating buzz.

To: Gerard
From: Frank
Ugh. Hold on and let me get some bleach. [No seriously, Gerard, what did you do?]

Gerard can’t help but to giggle, because seriously, that idiot.

To: Frank
From: Gerard
Im just srsly thinking about slaughtering bren in his sleep. miss u

Gerard’s sometimes afraid he gets too corny around Frank or something and it really annoys him because he used to practically vomit on Romeo+Juliet [even though he’d watch it over and over because, well, Leonardo DiCaprio]. It bothers him a lot that he’s turned into this soggy cereal that does nothing but drag itself around the floor, turn oxygen into carbon dioxide and think about Frank. It’s idiotic.

“Hey Bren,” Gerard calls.

“Yeah?”

“Am I too corny?”

“Well,” he grimaces, “basically… yeah.”

“I’m an idiot,” Gerard sighs.

Brendon nods, biting his lip. “You’re an idiot.”

Gerard sighs again just to confirm it, and then his phone buzzes again.

To: Gerard
From: Frank
Don’t. That’s illegal. Miss you too. <3

And now he’s grinning like an idiot.

*

Gerard is a fucking tool. And do you know why? Because no person who’s in their right mind voluntarily asks Brendon Urie to go shopping with them.
It’s like taking a vegan into a meat shop. Gerard’s not sure if he’d rather have his head chopped off and fed to the rats or let Brendon take him to the Gap.

And the sole thought of him asking the two fucktards to accompany him to the mall only further proves his widely-accepted theory that he’s the most stupid human being this planet has ever seen. And it’s seen a lot.

And Gerard knows he’s doomed the moment Brendon drags him into some very hipster-looking boutique. Because Gerard knows that the Arctic Monkeys are probably the only thing Frank hates more than shitty punctuation. Even though Gerard likes to yell Knee Socks at him whenever he’s angry. Because that’s Gerard. And we’ve already established that he’s an idiot.

[Gerard is still very hardcore to turn Frank into a Lorde fan because she’s the queen and Frank is dumb.]

“I so wish I asked Patrick,” Gerard whines to Ryan as Brendon’s frantically looking through plaid shirts.

“Shut up, look at how cute he is.”

Gerard mouths a ‘whipped’ and earns an elbow in the side.

*

“No, I’ve had it. IIIIII WANNA’ FUCK A DOG IN THE AAAAASS,” Gerard yells and people look at him but he doesn’t care and Brendon sighs and slaps him across the face. “Shit, piss, fuck, cunt-”

“Stop with the blink-182!” Brendon screams at him.

“Do you realize this is insulting me? I mean you probably don’t, but I'm offended anyway and I’m not joking- thank you and so long and goodnight.” Gerard grimaces. “As for a person who doesn’t even listen to emo music I must say he did try to look emo but emo isn’t in the style, it’s in the heart and I don’t care how much corpse paint or eyeliner he puts on. I will always be more emo than him.”

Brendon and Ryan just keep staring at him as he’s waving the skeleton gloves he’s bought for Frank in his right hand and motioning at the guy Brendon accidentally called more emo than Gerard with the left.

“Always. Mark my words, here and now, Brendon Urie. Nobody takes away my crown. I'm the emo queen supreme.”

And with that he marches out of the store and down to Starbucks to pour some coffee into himself.

Notes

It's short and I've started to epically fail at humor and yeah.

Bear with me. Or other forest animals. With me.

I should stop with the Mexico

EDIT:

Oh. Sequel. Have I mentioned a sequel? Probably.
BUT STILL. I am so excited you have no idea. I can't wait to tell you about it [well, no, not really because I won't tell you a thing bUT STILL]