Come, Angels of Unknown

My entire body was sore when my eyelids unglued from each other.

I could feel a weight pressing onto my body and I knew that Frank had his leg slung over both of mine, but this was warmer, closer- as if his skin crawled underneath mine and built a fortress there. There was a commotion in my head although it wasn’t violent- I could feel the sparks prickling across my body, but they weren’t threatening to light me on fire.

He smelled like the ocean and I knew I did, too, but the way it fit the olive of his skin was almost more surreal than the tingling sensation I had in every corner of my body. I felt spent and hooked on some cheap-ass morphine, but still somehow better rested than I’d been in a long time.

The first movement I could feel was his arm gliding across from my side to my stomach, and then his whole body started to shift. Slowly, at first- I could hear all the joints in his back popping and the grunt that followed suit. His head was tucked in the place where my neck met my shoulder, just above the clavicle, and I sensed the buzzing of vibrations whenever he’d make a sound. He was a calm, heavy sleeper- but the restlessness his mornings held was always strangely alluring.

“I should go feed the cat,” he huffed, warm into my neck, gripping my sore hip with his palm and pulling it close. I chuckled, and I could feel his face morphing into a smile against my skin. “But you’re so warm. I never want to get up.”

“You also have a job to go to,” I reminded him, not resisting his touches even though I knew we both had to get up eventually. He kissed my neck, then, and it stung because it was bruised, but I felt it deep inside my gut and it didn’t really hurt as much as its intensity gave me the need to breathe a little faster.

“Don’t remind me.” His groan was guttural and I could sense how his throat tingled as he let it out, and I smiled while running my fingers through his hair. “You’re coming with, though.”

“I know,” I sighed, “I didn’t really think you’d want to leave me alone in here.”

He lifted his head up, his lips finding my jaw and leaning against it. He kissed the part where the bone stuck out, right beside my ear, and said, “Am I being pushy?”

I breathed a laugh, turning to face him, smiling at the worried expression that bloomed across his face like a field of daisies in late May. “No,” I nudged his nose with mine. “I mean, maybe, by general standards- I wouldn’t really know- but I like it. Makes me feel cared about.”

“You are cared about,” he narrowed his eyes a bit, as if he was chasing a thought. I grinned, wide, and he leaned his forehead against my temple. He inhaled, sharp, and kissed my cheek softly. “You’re going to ruin me, I swear.”

“I already did, last night- remember?” I quirked an eyebrow.

He was quiet for a few seconds, but then he started giggling; eyes closed, teeth on display. He looked happy, he looked content- probably for the first time since I’d met him.

Then he kissed me, a little bit unexpected- it caught me by surprise but I didn’t mind. It was slow, and lazy- kind of like the feeling you get when you wake up on a summer Sunday. It’s that weight pressing down on your elbows to stay put, to keep doing nothing- because the bliss is precious and if you ruin it, it won’t come back. And his lips were adding to that effect, as if this was momentary and breakable- but maybe the frailness of it all was what made it matter even more, and feel even better. “Go get dressed,” he said before he pecked my lips again, smiling, “I’ll make us some coffee.”

*

The morning was cold, the sun hidden behind dark clouds as my shoes barely avoided the puddles around the sidewalk. I still felt insecure on my feet and Frank knew, of course he knew, and his hand didn’t leave my elbow until he had to let me go in order to unlock the door of the record store.

I was still a little sleepy as I dragged a chair from the back beside the one already behind the counter. The wood wasn’t very comfortable but the hoodie I was wearing was, and the minute I settled on leaning against the window pane and looking at the clouds I could feel my eyes drooping.

My body still ached a lot, but it was numbed down in a sense. I felt like a post-war state, only with less tragedy and more solely metaphorical loss. I couldn’t pinpoint what I was thinking about, everything was so abstract- at one moment it was the sky, in the other was the way the clock wasn’t showing the right time, and two seconds later it was Mikey or the fact I could still feel the dents in my skin from where Frank’s fingers pressed down most firmly.

He put some newer record on, I knew because I recognized the band but not the album. I watched him as he moved around the store, flipping around downtown show flyers and browsing through the vinyls. He looked like he belonged, like he was home. Naturally, an inside feeling told me that the only home for him was amongst my bed sheets but I couldn’t have that- it made me feel greedy.

I somehow didn’t mind, though, it was a pleasure seeing him- listening to the way his ancient converse brushed the wooden floor and squeaked a little when he’d turn on his heel abruptly. He hummed a lot, too, and he’d smile whenever he’d catch my eye with his and realize I’d been watching him the entire time.

The old door squealed, and a rush of cold air hit me as it swiftly opened and closed.

“Morning, boys!” Katie cheered, flinging her small leather backpack on the floor next to my chair. I couldn’t bother to move, so I just smiled, while Frank yelled a ‘hello’ from wherever he was at the back.

I honestly thought I’d get away with it, but as Katie’s observation abilities had always been slightly better than my own, she smirked the moment she laid eyes on me. I felt slightly embarrassed, and a bit nostalgic since I knew Mikey’s reaction would’ve been the same if he was here.

“Those look pretty bad,” she sat beside me, “I wonder how you got them.”

I could feel the red hit my cheeks, but I couldn’t help but to dumbly smile as I bit my lip. She looked at me for a few seconds more, her face much more serious. I almost felt the empathy in her voice, and even though I knew she cared I immediately spawned a bubble of resent in my gut- I hated being pitied. “I’m really glad you’re getting better,” she took my hand in hers, “he’s good for you. I’m on the verve of thanking him, literally, but I’m afraid that’d sound dumb.”

I swallowed a lump, my eyes on the floor. “I think he knows.” I didn’t know what else to say, so I didn’t say anything, but the way my neck felt like it was enveloped with a noose could be the reasoning behind that.

“I know he knows. Look, I know you don’t believe in the whole concept of ‘saving’…” she grimaced when I glared at her, “but you wouldn’t have survived without him.”

I could feel the muscles of my face clenching, the tears gathering in the corners of my eyes slowly. It was like all of the air in the room somehow evaporated and I couldn’t breathe even though I was inhaling and exhaling normally. “After what happened to Mikey… you’re right, I guess.” My words were forced out, and I knew that if I’d paid attention to how I sounded at that moment I would’ve found out that it was shaky, and choked. “If he hadn’t been there, I don’t think I would’ve kept it together.” I didn’t know at what point the first tear went past my cheekbone, but I could feel it going down my neck and losing itself in the fabric of my hoodie. I was hot, and wet and intruding, and I didn’t like it at all.

“Oh, honey,” she gripped my hand tighter, bringing my shoulder close with her other arm. She let me lean my head against her chest, just sniffling quietly. Frank must’ve heard us and came over at some point, asking Katie what’s wrong. I gave him a weak smile after he’d looked at me, concern wrinkling his eyes in the corners.

“He’s okay,” she said, “I think these might be happy tears.”

*

That night, as I was lying in bed with Frank’s head on my chest, his breathing steady and fingers soft against the hem of my t-shirt, I couldn’t get one thought out of my mind. It was biting at my wrists for the entire day, I could feel it if I closed my eyes firm enough. It was like a predator, since I avoided it at all cost but it somehow still managed to get me- I was faster, but it was wiser, and I couldn’t get rid of it.

“I think I might be ready,” I said quietly, staring into nothing in particular in front of myself. My vision wasn’t focused and everything was blurred, like I was disoriented, but only in my train of thought.

“For what?” he asked, furrowing his brow slightly.

“To go see him,” I said carefully. I felt a knot in my chest, a heavy one- and Frank knew, since he immediately took my hand and brought it up to his lips.

“Are you sure?” he asked, looking up at me from underneath his lashes. His eyes looked worried even though I was positive they were shining clearer than before, the bright yellow reflection of the lamp’s light lingering across his irises like the last few rays of sunshine at dusk.

“Yeah,” I closed my eyes for a second, breathing in. The clouds outside were still a dark gray and they seemed morose- they kind of reminded me of the way I’d been before I’d met Frank. “I think I am.”

Notes

there's only one more chapter of this story left. i feel kind of nostalgic.
writing-wise, it's probably the most energy-draining thing i've ever written. i'm going to miss it, a lot.

a few days after i upload the last chapter, i might change the title. this one doesn't really fit the direction this story actually went in, even though it did fit the original outline i had planned before i started writing it and during the first few chapters. i don't regret getting off that path, though- i don't regret it at all.

i'm sorry if i'm being a nag, or something, but ppl don't really comment and i'd really like to know what you think of the story- now that it's the end, it's kind of a big deal. so, if you don't mind, leave me something? i'd deeply appreciate it.

xomls