Come, Angels of Unknown

The atmosphere in the room was weird, as if the air hung against its invisible hooks too unnaturally for it to be pleasant. I found a strange comfort in the general gray, though- I guess that September weather really does represent a shelter sometimes.

"I suppose mom's never really had an influence on him when it comes to all that." Amber tilted her head to the side, playing with the tea spoon that I stirred her coffee with.

"Maybe that's why she's grown to despise him so much- because she could never control him, and because he never let her control me."

My eyes were fixated on a certain spot on the wall, but my hands felt shaky as I lifted the mug to my lips. "I guess my mother was the same, but I wouldn't say they had the same reasons, you know?" She nodded, and I looked at her. Her eyes were wide and intrigued, and I couldn't help but to feel just a tingle of pride hitting my upper chest. "She grew to resent me because of my decisions, I guess."

"When was the last time you saw her?"

I swallowed as a few blank memories bloomed at the back of my head. It didn't hurt, but it was cold, and I didn't know which feeling I despised more. "I have no idea, to be honest. Probably when I was nineteen. Maybe younger."

I couldn't exactly pinpoint what thought she had only by the look on her face, but I could tell she was trying not to look like she felt sorry for me- it was something I appreciated just a little bit too much. The pause she took was long, but I found myself wishing it wouldn't end. "How are you feeling, Gerard?"

The question felt like a slap across the face. Maybe because I didn't expect it, and maybe because the answer disturbed me more than the denial ever would. Perhaps it was the gray's fault because it clouded everything away, including the senses in my fingertips.

"I guess I don't really know."

Her eyes felt heavy as they stared into mine, disbelief cutting crinkles into her forehead and making me feel too exposed for my general liking.
I sighed, silent, but still somehow exasperated as I was trying to catch some words that could describe the nothingness I had within my gut. It wasn't sad, it wasn't tragic- but that was the point- it wasn't anything else, either.

"I guess I just feel kind of blindfolded," was all that came out at first. "Nothing's really certain anymore."

"How do you mean?"

The back of my neck was smooth underneath my palm, but there was still a patch of skin that itched in an unfamiliar way. I couldn't find it and make it go away- maybe because my orientation was bad, and maybe because the feeling wasn't even physical enough to hold on to.

"I constantly feel like I'm going to fall. It's not even some unexplained fear anymore- my legs are constantly... shaking and I'm so paranoid all the time. It's strange. I don't know."

And strange, it was, because it created a vacuum bubble inside my mind. It didn't feel like anything, not at first, at least, but the embarrassment lingered despite the numbness. I guess it made me feel exposed, once again, talking like this, and it wasn't the kind of liberty you'd find when taking your jacket off in a hot room either.

I guess the entire constitution of my state was kind of surreal, but in an unapproachable way. As if there wasn't a doorknob people could pull, let themselves in and tug me out for a walk.

I mostly just felt like an old washing machine- still more-or-less decent, but generally unfixable.

"Maybe it has something to do with trust."

Her voice was stern but her eyes looked like they knew much more than I did. Maybe my movements told her what I was thinking- it wouldn't be strange, since Mikey had always told me I acted as crude as I felt.

I'd never really thought about it enough to come to a conclusion, I guess, I'd always been preoccupied with other things. Perhaps I'd made my daily life a distraction of a sort, just a scheme against myself so I could slip into the denial more easily.

"Possibly. I guess letting people in my life is a problem of a different kind."

She considered it for a moment, I could see it in her frown. "The fact that you let Frank in says a lot."

I wanted to reply, but I heard shuffling from behind me, so my reflexes were quicker than my thoughts. Maybe that was where the change lay- everything felt so slow, both physically and mentally, but it never really mattered when it involved Frank. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but the lack of disturbance was something I just had to ignore.

"I heard my name, and you two better not be talking shit about me."

His footsteps were slow, kind of smooth, and I liked the sound his knees made when he'd walk after a long time spent sitting. I felt his palm hit my shoulder, but it didn't cause any turbulence sudden physical actions usually did. It felt warm, comforting in a way, even- I liked knowing he was there even if the thought itself didn't hold a lot of importance.

He kissed the corner of my mouth, then, and I could feel that same corner twitch upwards as a reaction. I didn't know if the smile reached my eyes, but I didn't care since I knew he'd appreciate it anyway.

His feet were still soft against the floor as he walked over to the chair Amber was sitting on, ruffling her hair in the process and stealing her mug out of her hand. "Nice to know you still remember the two of us exist."

She laughed, and the honesty that reverberated around her throat made me want to unclench the metaphorical knot I had in my gut entirely. I guess she had that effect on people, she made them want to relax.

"Yes, despite my great misfortune for doing so, I had to force the long forgotten cognition back inside my head because you're officially homeless."

I could see his newfound tension when it lingered over his shoulders, because he tensed up immediately. I guessed no real instinct told me he was taken aback since I kind of already knew all of him by heart. It felt natural, even though it was far from it, and I was grateful because I could be at peace with the sole fact it didn't matter as much.

"Where's my stuff?"

"I brought it here, Gee put it in his room while the coffee was brewing."

I could feel Frank's hesitation just as clearly as I could feel Milo tangling his tail around my ankle underneath the table, but I didn't make anything out of it. He knew I wouldn't go through his stuff, not without his permission anyway.

"All of it?"

"I think so. Oh, well, there is one thing- I didn't want to pack the video games since I know Gee hasn't got a console. And I still want to play them, even though mom really doesn't like it when I do."

Frank's smirk was small, but it was there, and I caught just a pinch of satisfaction that radiated off of his mischief for myself. I guess I could be as much of a child as he could, sometimes.

"That's okay. Just don't fuck up the play-station, because you're probably not getting a new one if that happens. I am generous by nature and I saved up for it, but you can't expect the same from Janet. And I can't take your side when you're sulking, now when I'm homeless and all."

She was about to say something, but I was faster. "You're not homeless. You have a home here."

And the smile that almost bruised the sides of his cheeks was the biggest one I'd ever seen.

Notes

Howdy-ho, Ranger Joe. I'm alive, yes, despite practically taking mini-hiatuses whenever I write and post an actual chapter. Oh, well, I think we've already established that I'm a shit, so.

Life update: I've been having trouble concentrating on important stuff lately, but I think I'm getting better at it. My mom told me that if I manage not to get grades lower than a B for a month, I can dye my hair black- which is great, because I've been wanting black hair for a while now. I also deleted my tumblr blog a few days ago, but I'll be making a new one soon. Hanging with Australian people over the internet is leaving a dent in my mind, I'll tell you that. I walk around calling people dunderheads all the time- Ciara, it's all your fault. [Just kidding, you people are amazing.] Also, quokkas are awesome and if you tell me otherwise you'll probably lose a few of your limbs. Just sayin'.

xomilo