Come, Angels of Unknown

The ride to the hospital wasn’t as tense as it should’ve been. My wrists felt heavy as my hands were holding onto the sticky subway pole, sniffing silently from the wet September air. The anticipation was radiating off of me and I knew Frank could feel it, his face expression showed it as his eyes remained worriedly peering into space.

When I slumped into the cold seat of the familiar white hallway, Frank looked at me and smiled. “Ready?”

I clenched my jaw, feeling the pressure build inside my throat. It felt as if my entire lower body was a magnet and my head was a heavy pile of iron; dragging each other simultaneously and waiting for someone to free the both of them off their misery.

“No.”

His sigh was almost inaudible but I saw it in the manner his chest rose slowly and fell calmly. His fingers found mine and he crossed his thumb over my knuckles, leaning in to brush his lips against my forehead. “It was a rhetorical question.”

I smiled meekly, leaning my head against his shoulder. I exhaled harshly, the breath leaving my lips as my eyes slipped closed, feeling the exhaustion of the worry that had been washing over me for days now.

When the doctor came my entire body shot up, my spine obnoxiously cracking in a hallway far too quiet to be comfortable. When he saw me he waved, walking over to Frank and I at a pace I found much too quick. I didn’t want to know, but the backs of my knees itched from anticipation and I honestly couldn’t comprehend what I was feeling. Was it fear, or excitement, I didn’t know, but I was sort of afraid it was a deadly mixture.

“Mr. Way,” the doctor saluted, “I’m guessing you’re here for-”

A loud call of my name cracked the calm in the air and a figure came running towards us. I couldn’t figure out who it was at first, my focus went off but at a second look I realized that the mess of tangled brown hair and soft features couldn’t be anyone but Melissa.

“Gerard,” she panted as she stopped, dragging herself towards me slowly. I was prepared for being yelled at, scolded, even punched- I even felt Frank tensing up behind me. But instead, I was pulled down in a hug, bone-crushing and sorrowful as her body shook with silent whimpers.

“They said he probably isn’t going to wake up,” she hiccupped, “that he has enough insurance money for them not to unplug him, but that it doesn’t mean that he’s going to be okay.”

I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t do anything but let her grieve, shock washing over me as the cells of my body collided on the floor with hers. She didn’t seem to mind and I didn’t seem to acknowledge anything around me, only numbly stare in front of myself as I felt water gliding against my eyelashes. She was so cold and her sobs sounded so empty that it physically hurt to hear them, but I understood. I understood the pain, the misery of practically losing someone so close to you- even if you’d been taking them for granted without knowing.

I knew it was a nurse who dragged Melissa’s limp body out of my lap, but I wouldn’t move when she tried to help me to my feet as well. It felt wrong to move, wrong to think, wrong to live knowing I’d caused all of this. And even though I knew I’d been through shit, this was by far the worst feeling I’d ever felt.

The loathe I had towards myself, the resentment I felt flowing deep inside my arteries and all the way into my eye sockets, the guilt formed at the back of my gut making my stomach acid grow and make bile build up in my stomach. It didn’t hurt, but it made me want to hurt just so I could punish myself for everything I’d done and get out of the misery. I felt pathetic, but somehow dead, like all the life from me was drained like the IV the needle stuck into my brother’s forearm sucked from the plastic bag on the stand it was hooked on.

I didn’t know how long I’d spent there on the floor, but as soon as I felt a familiar presence captivating my personal space and enveloping my shoulders in their arms I felt like it was too long. My wrists hurt, and they were probably even bruised from all the clenching I’d done, but the lips brushing against my temple told me not to think about that.

“Let’s get you home.”

I didn’t fight against it; I couldn’t find my voice, and the gentle grip he had on my hand told me he knew that. He always did.

*

Talking about familiar situations, I’d ended up throwing up my gut in the toilet again. Only, this time he helped me brush my teeth and let me stand still for a moment, exhaling deeply into his neck as his fingers drew patterns into my back. It calmed, in a sense, but I still felt too numb to comprehend anything around me. It seemed like I was in some sort of bubble, my entire consciousness depended on how close he was and how far I’d pushed the barrier at the back of my mind.

“You could use a bath,” he noticed.

“No,” I choked out, voice raspy and uncertain. “Please don’t leave me.”

I felt him sigh, but hold me just slightly tighter than he had before, his words leaving his mouth softly, carefully. “You need a bath.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do.” He knew I was in no condition to resist, and I felt it in the clearness his orders held. I was usually a moronically stubborn person, and he was aware of that.

“Stay with me, then,” I pleaded, moving my head away from his shoulder just to look into his eyes.

He seemed reluctant for a few seconds, but then his hand brushed a few strands of hair from my eyes and his lips twitched upwards. He brought them closer, just to touch mine with them as slightly as he could- as if he knew I wasn’t certain of anything at this exact moment. “Okay.”

Notes

I suck. I'm sorry, three times seven days is a [relatively] long time. And for such a mediocre chapter like this... ugh.

Life update: I've been procrastinating way too much, I could've written this chapter twelve times, if not more, in the past twenty-one days.
I really, really adore the Arctic Monkeys, no regrets, I've been listening to them loads lately. [I really don't care about the fact so many people are bitching about stuff like 'if u listen to MCR u can't listen to that hipster shit oMG UR SUCH A DISGRACE' like please give me a break, get a life or something.]
Some teachers have been real bitches towards me lately but I can sometimes come off as a bitch in general, too, so that's fine, I guess. I got an A in Chemistry, though, I feel kind of proud.
My writing hasn't been all that good recently, I'm not sure why, but I'm pretty convinced it's because I should try harder. Whatever.
Mindchemicals, I miss you. xo


'Till next time.