Come, Angels of Unknown

"Gerard? Hey, wake up, it’s okay. It’s just a dream."

His voice was the thing that led me out of the darkness my dream had consisted of. Just darkness, cold, agonizing darkness that never left my side, it still doesn’t, not completely, the darkness I’d been living with for such a long time I’d started thinking of it as my light. It was captivating just as much as it was deadly, and it sometimes made me want to embrace it even more than drive it away. Now, though, all I wanted was to wake up.

I opened my eyes slowly, realizing my mouth had been in a spasm while I’d been asleep and my teeth were still gritted against each other with such force I thought my jaw would crack. I unclenched my muscles and let out a shaky breath, reaching up to feel my forehead and wipe the sweat off of it, but I came into contact with Frank’s hand. I impulsively hooked my fingers around the back of his palm and gently brought his hand to my chest, squeezing tight as I moved closer to him.

I felt like I needed him, it felt as if the darkness would capture my senses and my feelings once again if his skin wasn’t against mine. I didn’t know why it was so essential at that moment, but I didn’t let myself question it, I didn’t want to. I was scared and panicked, and his presence was idiotically comforting. I didn’t know why, maybe just because I needed someone. I needed someone, a person, anyone- at least that’s what I’d thought before. But at this right moment, I knew it was just denial and I hated it.

“Gerard, wha-“

“Please.” The despair in my voice disturbed me slightly, but I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about anything. “Just hold me for a while.”
He stayed silent, he merely nodded, but he let me lean my head against his chest anyway.

I was listening to the thudding sound his heart created while kicking against his ribcage, the steadiness of his breathing. It kept me calm; it kept the darkness on a reasonable distance. He didn’t draw it away, no; I didn’t believe that was really possible, I still don’t. But he toned its influence down to a mundane, numb sensation I could eventually get comfortable with.

I felt guilty for asking all this from him. But as much as the guilt troubled me, I was, after all, one incredibly selfish creature. I didn’t know what I’d based my pride on, but it was a stubborn feeling inside my throat that wouldn’t let me apologize to him for walking away that night. I hated it, and I hated myself for feeding it instead of fighting against it, but I currently felt so weak I feared that I would’ve fallen apart if I hadn’t been holding onto him.

The grip of his fingers around my own wasn’t strong, but it was there, I could feel it. Even though I knew he wanted to stop, to keep his distance, I could feel him threading his hand through my hair at times during the night. I hadn’t fallen asleep, not completely, and I knew he hadn’t either since his breathing pattern was too reserved. He wasn’t completely tense, but he wasn’t relaxed, either, and I didn’t know how I should’ve felt about that. On one hand, I was glad he wasn’t completely hostile towards me, like I would’ve been in a situation like his. Maybe not if he’d been the person to hurt me, though. I wasn’t sure how I would react to that.
On the other hand, I felt like he didn’t want to stay close to me, even though he was doing it anyway. His actions seemed reluctant and unsure, like he was afraid he’d fuck up ‘again’ and make me push him away, but at the same time uncertain if I’d actually been the only one to blame for the entire situation. Confused, that’s what he was, and I couldn’t find the strength in my gut to make myself resent him that.

I felt immensely guilty, for all that happened, but I still couldn’t make myself pick up the phone and call Melissa or one of Mikey’s friends to tell them about the car crash. I couldn’t tell them he might’ve been gone for good. I couldn’t say the words I’d been dreading to even think, let alone pronounce.
At some point during the night I just wanted to burst into hysterical laughter, realizing how ironic all of this was.
The only person who hadn’t been harmed in this entire situation was me, and the only one who should’ve been harmed in this entire situation was, you guessed, me. I felt lucky, but so fucking miserable at the same time, because that only made me feel guiltier. The world definitely could’ve afforded getting rid of some people and Mother Nature would’ve probably agreed with me being in the top ten. I didn’t mind. I was too much of a coward to live, anyway, and yet I still somehow couldn’t find the moral strength to make it easier for both myself and the people around me.

At some point when the shadows on the floor shrunk and the soft light of a rainy dawn crept upon the walls, I felt him shifting around. The night was nice, soothing in a way, but this was my favorite part of the day; it was captivating how the murky yellow of the sun blended completely through the dark gray of the clouds and gave a light blue hue to the room in total. It felt like a scene from a movie, and I liked it. It calmed me down.

Frank gently took my wrist into his hand and placed it on the pillow his head was on just seconds ago. I felt him staying still for a couple of moments, but then he stood up and his footsteps echoed- thumping softly at first but then fading away as he found his way down the hallway.

I stood up, not seeing a reason I should stay in bed any longer when I wasn’t planning on sleeping, and I trudged into the kitchen. It was empty, the only sign of his presence being the milk carton he hadn’t put away in the fridge.
I made coffee, sipping on it slowly as I walked into the kitchen where I found Frank sitting on the couch, staring blankly into the TV screen with a mug in his right hand. I sat beside him, ignoring the way my body still reacted to his warmth when I’d invade his personal space even the slightest.

“About last night-”

“I’m sorry,” I cut him off. “It won’t happen again.”

His face was crude; seeming indelicate and indecisive at the same time. It was way too pained to fit him, but I still couldn’t drive my eyes away. Having Frank beside you was simply something you couldn’t get enough of, at least that’s the way I saw it.
At some point he just nodded and his lips drew even closer together. I sighed, blinking and focusing my eyes on the TV.
I didn’t know what to do anymore.

Notes

The fact that I had to change my name on facebook from 'Milo Lane' to 'Milo Lee' because 'Milo Lane' means 'sweet lamb' in my language makes me wanna' rip someone's throat out.
[If ya wanna' chat: Sweet Lamb's facebook]

Life update: I've been writing too much poetry lately and my parents have been threatening to take away my phone because my first few grades haven't been all that awesome. I've been surviving rather horrid stomachaches these days and I'm really not digging it. Not even the slightest.
I've found the courage to do a pixie cut, and I like it, since it makes me look much more masculine than the almost shoulder-length hair I had going on for a longer time now. I can't wait for Halloween, for no apparent reason. I'd rant on and on about shit being bad and other shit being swell, but I believe you've lost interest already, I'm being boring to myself, too.

I'll leave you with this now- I'll try to write better for chapter 16, I promise.

- M