You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison

**Frank POV**

The few days that’d passed was nothing special; we all followed the same tedious routine day by uneventful day. Breakfast at eight, followed by an hour or so outside, depending on how “generous” the guards were feeling. Next would be a bland lunch that was usually filled with some sort of disgusting meat by-product or canned protein that I couldn’t bear to stomach.

Work would start maybe an hour after lunch and last until the dinner bell at six. I headed Kellin’s word and put in for an ‘occupation’ as some sort of mechanic. After a day or so of silently begging and pleading (and a little push from Ray), I’d received word that my request had been granted by a new face.

I’d never seen her before. She was hot, yeah, and her thin build would definitely be something the guys would go crazy over, but there wasn’t a drop of fat on her from what I could tell, it was all muscle. Her blonde hair was pulled back out of her face, making her green eyes seem bigger and more vibrant then they really were. I’d asked Ray about her, but he wouldn’t tell me much- just that she was not one to fuck with.

Word of a new guard had spread like wildfire, and with a new guard came new rumors. Some said she used to be a prostitute, others said she was an ex-con herself. I just think she looked ex-military to me, she definitely looked like she could hold her own. She had a soft attitude about her, but seemed somewhat paranoid- always double-checking her surroundings. Note to self: Don’t fuck with the army chick.

I can see her, staring at me now as I leave my lunch once again untouched. Kellin picks the good bits off my tray as I sip quietly on my milk, lodging bits and pieces of the soggy, half eaten ham down the back of his throat like some sort of animal. His eating habits may be weird, but he seems to give zero fucks, so I don’t question it.

I looked around the large room, taking in the slight change in décor. Yellow lined paper covered in dull orange and black colors littered the walls. Looking to my left, I see at least a half dozen poorly drawn bats arranged in what looks to be maybe a flock. To my right, a few jack-o-lanterns looked to be lazily scribbled, drawn with faces that would be impossible to carve on any normal pumpkin. Hm, I wonder if they’ll make anything special for us, food wise. God knows we need it. I thought as I looked at the mushy remains of my tray.

I rolled my eyes and sighed at the unfortunate sight until an uproar from another table grabbed my attention. Not like it anything new- just these Christian freaks trying tirelessly once again to persuade these convicts to “accept our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” into their heart’s, and to be forgiven of their sins. I looked at Kellin, and we both silently chuckled at them. I had to admit, they had heart. But honey, this is the wrong place to play Jehovah’s Witness.

I’d never been a very religious person, it’s not that I firmly didn’t believe in a God, or an afterlife, it’s mostly that I never cared to. Of course, what God would allow what my father did to me to carry on for so long? My mother was a very religious woman, enrolling me into Christian learning programs from the time I could even speak. Maybe that’s why I came out so fucked up. Who knew a Christian school system could be so harsh? All they did was beat their kids into submission: Out of dress code- three strikes with the splintery paddle. Talk back- five strikes. Refuse to pray- five strikes. Say God’s name in vain- ten strikes. The list goes on and on. I’d developed a very high pain tolerance for the amount of times they’d beaten me with that God-awful tool; especially when my mother told the school about my homosexuality, and they enrolled me in their “special” program for ‘confused children’ where all they did was beat you until you admitted you were straight.

My father wasn’t all that into religion either, but he always told me one thing –mostly to keep my mother happy- “Some day, you’ll be in a position where you will find yourself praying to Him to keep you or someone safe. I know I did.”

Ha, and look how that ended up.

I never believed such a day would come. But seeing Gerard go through his withdrawal all over again, thinking about how Mikey is doing all by himself, and just waking up each morning hoping I’ll survive through the day- I’m starting to finally realize what he meant.

A familiar high-pitched whistle rang out once again, signaling the end of dinner. I shooed Gerard and Kellin away, and instead forced my feet towards Ray, who was leaning against the doors with the new guard making small talk. My stomach churned nervously as my mind played over and over the request I wanted to ask.

“Hey, Ray can I talk to you… alone?” I asked, eyeing the blonde one standing next to him nervously. I don’t care if she’s friends with Ray- I wont trust her until she gives me a reason too.

“Frank, this is Parker-“

“Maddy.” She nodded at me, cracking a soft half-smile. “Ray’s said a lot about you. Just know if he’s not here, you can always talk to me.”

“Right...” I looked at her wearily, purposely not returning her kind gesture. “Look Ray, I have a small favor to ask you.”

“No, Frank. I can’t sneak you cigarettes again. I almost got caught last time.”

“No, dude-“

“You snuck him cigarettes?” Maddy chuckled, licking her lips slightly.

“No- yes, but that’s not the point.” I said, slightly irritated. I looked around to make sure no one was listening, and relaxed when I saw everyone had cleared out. “Can you-“ I sighed, still unsure if I wanted to go through with this.

“Frank, what is it?” He asked, a concerned look forming on him face.

“The chapel- can you escort me to the chapel?” I spoke quickly and quietly, almost embarrassed that I was even asking. I watched his eyebrows rise in surprise, then relax with a small smile.

He nodded his head and beckoned the both of us with his right hand. I followed him down a familiar corridor, the hallways also lined up with mediocre orange and black decorations created by inmates with nothing better to do until we reached a set of polished wooden double doors with big brass handles. I swear this fucking door is worth more than this rotted prison.

He gave the doors a slight shove, revealing a large room with dark red carpet and a beautiful stained glass window. Benches lined up the floor, leaving one small row of walking space. At the other end of the chapel laid four steps that made a raised platform which held a large wooden podium with a gold-painted cross hung on the front. Several books are stacked on top of the podium- perhaps their Bibles?

I gawked at the beauty of the building when I heard Ray speak up.

“Church donated this way back when- they also think that “With the power of Jesus, everyone can be saved!” He said in an awful southern accent, crunching his fingers in the air for sarcastic air quotes.

“Yeah- haha.” I muttered softly as I regained my composure and walked silently to the front row. I wiped the dust bunnies off of a small area on the edge and sat down softly, glancing around the room some more. I cleared my throat before suddenly feeling nervous. My breathing quickened as questions and doubts flowed through my mind. Do I look down, or raise my head? How do I start? This is fucking stupid- but it’s the only thing I have left.

I finally decided on clutching my left tatted fist covering my left fist with my right hand and resting my forehead on my man made stand. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself.

It’s now or never, Frank.

“Um.. Hey, God? It’s me, Frank.” I paused, hearing a door quietly shut. They left me here alone?

“I guess I just don’t know what to do at this point, I mean my dad always told me that one day I’d turn to you, even if I wasn’t a firm believer. Not saying your aren’t real and what not, but I mean no one’s seen you in millenniums. Can’t blame me for being skeptical, I guess.”

Fuck, stop rambling!
“Anyways-“ I tripped on my words as my brained fumbled with my vocabulary. “I’m not… exactly sure what I’m supposed to say at this point, so here goes nothing.

“Doesn’t it go something like ‘Forgive me Father, for I have sinned’? Or is that just for the confessionals? I don’t know- but I guess I do need to be forgiven. I know killing my parents has probably put me on your naughty list or something, but it was in self defense- I swear. You must have seen it, right? I couldn’t take his abuse anymore, it was getting to be every night to the point where I could barely walk to school in the morning and-“ I broke of my statement, emitting tiny sobs as I reminisced on my past to what could very well be no one. “So- I guess if you could maybe forgive me for that, that’d be awesome.

“And if it’s not too much to ask- I would like for you to watch over my… friends. I know Gerard’s still fighting his addiction- we’re taking baby steps, I promise you. Just help me guide him in our quest for… soberness? I don’t know what to call it.

“Then there’s Mikey- Can you watch out for him too, maybe? He’s in a bit of a bind as well-“ I chuckled momentarily before continuing. “He’s in Solitary, and he’s been gone for a week and a half now. I’m really worried about his mental state, God. He’s just a kid. He doesn’t deserve this- he was only protecting his brother, and-“ I choked on some more tears as I forced them back. I sighed loudly before continuing, more heartfelt than before. “He’s only sixteen. Please, God. Just- just keeps him safe. If nothing else- keep him safe.

“Oh, and one last thing. If you created us all in your image, and you make no mistakes- then why is being gay considered a sin? I know lust is a sin- it’s not my fault my cell mate is a fu-“ I choked on my ‘distasteful’ choice of words. “A very beautiful man. You definitely knew what you were doing when you made him, I can tell you that. But back to the point: I’ve had feelings for men for years now, and if you made me this way- how can it be wrong? Sh- Sorry, I’m rambling again.

“Again, if you could just keep him safe, that’s all I ask.”

I wiped the stray tears from my face with my dull orange jumper. My knees felt weak, so I stayed sitting in fear that I wouldn’t even be able to stand for more than a few seconds. I quietly collected myself one final time before rising to my feet and turning back towards the other end of the room. It turns out I wasn’t alone like I thought I was- but Maddy stood in place of Ray, a small, half-smile perched on her lips. I made my way to her in a tantalizingly slow pace, trying my best to not make eye contact with her.

“God may not have heard your prayers, but I did.” She murmured with a smile.

“Hm.” I gave her a half-assed reply, wanting nothing more than to curl up into a ball and sleep for a century or two. She opened one of the double doors and I slipped through, walking a few paces in front her as we made our way back to my cell. Without a mirror to confirm, I could only hope that I’d slipped back on my mask of obscurity, locking away any raw emotions back into the cracked jar that used to be my bright, jubilant soul.

Notes

Wow, it's been too long. I'm sorry for the wait- I wrote a chapter, hated it, freaked out and wrote this one. Maybe I'll post that chapter later in the story, but for now I'm archiving it.

My time has also been occupied by a little someone special- I got a new baby hedgehog :3

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Xoxo
-Hazel