The amount of pills I'm taking, counteracts the booze I'm drinking

Frank-
We have been lying here on the bed i this position in silence for about to hours. i don't know why but i feel safe here with Gerard.
i feel his hand starting to run down my side and i don't think anything about it until he reached down onto my hip and starts stroking over the rippled skin along my hips waist line and lower stomach. He's not saying anything he's just letting his finger tips re-trace the broken steps evident from the scars on my skin.
why? why is studying the bumped skin and ugly marks.
"what?" i whisper looking up at him re-offering to his hand.
he looks back down at me and smiles
"you don't cut yourself any more do you Frankie?"
i think to myself well i haven't in a really long time but i cant promise never to do it again, i promised once before and i couldn't keep the promise and i put myself into a deep depression by breaking the promise i thought it was really bad that i broke this promise over cutting as well, that's when i tried to commit. being depressed is the worst feeling in the world a little devil inside you head makes you remember every bad thing that has ever happened to you, it doesn't matter how hard you try to forget he makes you remember and you resort to a razor, the numbness can only satisfy you for a while and soon the cuts becomes deeper until your practically sawing your arm off. however the desire to feel the numbness again will never fade you always want that escape so no i cant promise never to do it again.
but i cant say that to Gerard can i
"no" i lie smiling back up at him. i reach down and put my hand on top of his "i was just in a bad place" i tell him as he turns his hand the other way and locks his fingers in with mine.
"nothing is worth hurting yourself over. do you understand me?" i know he's trying to comfort me but he doesn't understand, or does he. i think back to the lyrics i read in his bedroom and how he tried so hard to convince me that he's not crazy.
"i'm sorry, i know there ugly" i whisper in to his chest "it's okay if you think there ugly" i tell him.
Gerard pulls his fingers away from mine a little aggressively as if I've done something wrong, i turn my head slightly to look up at him but as i do he pulls his body from under mine letting my head quickly fall back onto the bed with a small bang. i watch him a little confused as he situate's himself so he's sat on top of my lower legs pinning me down. we're both still naked which makes this a little awkward,
"Frankie these are not ugly he whisper tracing his soft fingertips along the scars, his voice seems some what upset as he starts to arches his back.
"Gerard you don't have to lie" i say looking down at him as he lowers his body closer to mine, i prop myself up on my elbows to see what he's doing.
"Frankie" he says raising his voice a little "they are not ugly" he tells me before leaning his face towards my hip bone and beginning to kiss the skin.
i giggle slightly as i feel his small gentle kisses repeatedly hitting the old scars, it's cute however i know he's only doing it to make me feel better. he looks up at me for a second
"there not ugly" he says his hot breath scraping across my skin. i nod my head at him as i know he thinks there ugly really. he quickly starts kissing the skin again swapping from the right side of my hips to the left, his lips and chin pressing against my skin tickles slightly and i cant help but smile as i watch him.
i reach my hand down to pull him back up to me but he just shakes my hand away from him before picking my left arm up. he starts kissing it, his lips starting to become moist now, he kisses from my palm up the inside of my wrist and up my forearm.
i think he is trying to kiss every little scar before finishing.
once we are back eye level with each other and i'm completely covered in his kisses he presses his forehead against mine
"better" he whispers
"better" i repeat it's like he's joking but at the same time extremely serious.
is Gerard Way trying to fix me?
i lean my head forward and press my lips against his partly wet ones. i reach my hand out to hold his cheek for a second before he pulls away form me and starts into my eyes
"i really love you Frankie"
"i love you too Gerard"
my eyes widen as i see the loving look within his eyes.
why does he have to love me? doesn't he know i'm broken? well of course he does Frankie he's clearly seen the ugly evidence to prove your broken stupid.
why does he think he can fix me?
he cant.

Notes

just a short paragraph because of the lack of updates
another paragraph up tonight
sorry about any spelling mistakes as always
rate this so far pleassseeee