Have you ever had a nightmare that's so bad that the relieve you feel when you wake up is the best feeling in the world?
what about a nightmare that's so bad that you just want to die?
What about a dream that becomes better then life? Have you ever just wanted to never wake up because your nightmares are your life?

i have.

pushing that razor into my skin was suppose to stop the nightmare. i was suppose to sleep forever. suppose to dream forever. suppose to die.
note to self:
- paracetamol's don't work
-razors don't work.

i know i said i would never put Gerard through this again but i couldn't fight the overwhelming desirer to die. death is so much friendlier then life.

I'm awake and i presume i'm in hospital but i haven't opened my eyes yet. i don't want to see the disappointment on Gerard's face, i don't want to see anything. cant i just lay here and pretend i'm asleep for ever?
The beeping coming for my heart monitor reminds me that im alive. oh fuck off. i think to myself as it keeps beeping, beeping, beep, beep
go on. slow down. stop. let me die.

i listen to the soul crushing beeps for around five minute's before i realise i am not going to die, to most people this would be a relive. but im not most people.
Another five minutes pass and i haven't opened my eyes, is anyone even in the room with me? probably not?
Another five minutes.
"Gerard" that's unmistakably frank's voice
"hi Frankie" so Gerard's been here all the time. shit.
"is he ok?" i feel frank's body weight sit on the edge of the bed. "i think so, i don't know, he hasn't woken Frankie" Gerard's voice stutters, i think he's going to cry.
"don't cry gee" fuck. this is all my fault, i'm secretly listening to their conversation, i could just open my eyes and stop it all but i don't.
"i love you"
"i love you too gee"
what?!?! did i just hear that right. have frank and Gerard been dating? i really want to just open my eyes and blurt my words out, but i cant, they cant know i was listening. how come i didn't realise. frank never even said anything about being gay. wow. you really shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.
"Gee, why don't you go home and get some rest"
"Frankie i cant leave him, i need to be here when he wakes up, i need to tell him i'm sorry" sorry for what?
"gee, i'm sure he will know your sorry please you need to sleep, i'm going to stay here with him, ill be here and i will ring you as soon as anything changes, please"
"okay" Gerard seems defeated by the tone of his voice.
frank's weight lifts off the bed and i guess they hug before Gerard leaves the room. now there's just me and frank, he sits in the chair where Gerard was sitting. i wait a minute before opening my eyes, franks not looking until i whisper "i'm so sorry frank"
His eyes widen as he looks at me i know his first thought is Gerard "don't tell him i'm awake" i plead before he lets a small smile curl his lips
"how long have you been awake?" he asks
"long enough" i answer taking a long sigh
"Gerard is going to be so relieved that your awake, mikey, you really scared us"
"im sorry" i repeat.
"you don't have to be sorry mikey, especially not to me, i've been in your situation remember"
i smile a little, i know it's not funny but it feels nice to have someone who knows first hand how i'm feeling.
"mikey" frank's voice turn very serious very quickly
"what's up?" i ask concerned
"don't freak out, but i need to tell you, the doctor came in early this morning and told us that because the wounds were so deep on your left arm you will be lucky if you ever regain feeling in it again" that's when i instantly realise that i cannot feel my left arm
in panic i try to lift it but it does not respond, its completely covered in bandages but still it wont budge, it doesn't even feel like its attached to my body
"oh shit" i say still panicking as my other arm comes across and lifts it "ouch" i say as i move my right arm.
"no, mikey, your not suppose to move the bandages" frank tells me as he stand up and gently placing my right arm back to my side
"so i'll never feel my arm again?" i ask tears forming in my eyes
"you might do eventually, its just a likely thing to happen to people who damage the main vein inside their arm" frank's information scares me immensely. like i wasn't getting bullied enough, now i'm going to be the ugly, gay, fat, spekie, emo kids with only one arm. great.
"your lucky to be alive" frank tells me
"this is not luck" i say before even realising it "this is punishment"

Notes

sorry i cant update every day anymore, i'm doing my exams
sorry about any spelling mistakes as always
rate this so far pleasseeee