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Married In My Mind

Performance Anxiety

Whatever Frank had dreamed was still coursing through his veins. His hands fisted tightly in the back of my t-shirt. Every muscle in his body was twitchy and tense. Heart pounding. Breathing shaky. I held him tightly in my arms, pressing my face into the crook of his neck and breathing him in. I could feel him try to relax into my touch but after several careful, measured breaths he was still trembling. His shaking fingers reached up and slid into my hair.
“It was just a dream.” I whispered, sliding my lips along his jawline.
“There was so much blood.” he whimpered. “So much fucking blood.”
“I’m not going to let anything like that happen to us, Frank. I promise.” I whispered softly, placing careful kisses at his throat. “We’re safe here.”
“You can’t promise that.” He whispered.
“I can promise anything I want.” I said.
“Then promise…” he swallowed hard. “Promise me you’ll stay with me… every night… until the nightmares go away.”
“I promise.” I whispered, heart fluttering.
He searched for my lips in the dark. First they pressed ungracefully against the corner of my mouth, against my upper lip. I tilted my head to press my lips against his.
For once it didn’t feel rushed. It didn’t feel like if we didn’t get it out of the way right this second that we’d never ever get to. Our lips moved against each other’s slowly and purposefully.
Our kissing gradually slowed. I slid my lips over to place a careful kiss on his cheek and then another one at his throat.
“I’m so exhausted, but I’m terrified to sleep.” Frank whispered.
“Just sleep. I’ll wake you up if it seems like you’re having bad dream.” I said against his skin. I pulled the collar of his shirt down, placing a few more soft kisses along his collarbone.
I rested my head against his chest, listening to his pounding heartbeat. I wondered what made his heart beat faster. Was it me or was it just the nightmare he’d had?
“If I go back to sleep then what are you gonna do?” he asked quietly.
“I’ll stay up and watch over you. I have a lot to think about.” I said. I slid my fingers up under the hem of his shirt and very gently ran my fingers over his skin. It took my brain a couple seconds to catch up with what I’d said. I was grateful that Frank didn’t ask what it was I had to think about. It seemed to be enough for him because he quickly fell back to sleep.

Though just like before it was not for very long. Throughout the night Frank would enter a sequence of violence dreams after thirty to forty five minutes of uneasy sleep. Each time I would wake him, hold him tightly, kiss him all over and tell him how much I needed him until he could drift off to sleep again.
Each time I told him it hurt a little more. It was so terrifying to lay out all my feelings in the name of giving Frank the peace of mind. He never made any mention of feeling the same.
I knew he wanted me in some way. I knew he cared about me as a friend. But if he needed me like I needed him he didn’t admit it. It was like he couldn’t admit it. Wouldn’t admit it.
If I’d been confused about what was and wasn't off limits before… I was a thousand times more confused now. We were allowed to kiss and touch. He wanted me to spend the night again.
But what what was this thing between us?

When I opened my eyes the sky was starting to lighten. I hadn’t intended to doze off. I blinked a few times at what I could see of pink horizon yawning into the grey clouds above. My gaze slid over to Frank, who, I noticed, was completely awake.
“Good morning.” I whispered.
“Good morning.” He replied softly. His lips twitched, attempting to smile. He had thick grey rings under his eyes.
“You look exhausted.” I said.
“So do you.” He whispered, leaning in to brush his lips against mine softly. I kissed back, sliding my fingers along his jaw.
We pulled back to stare into each other’s eyes, slowly inching our bodies towards each other. Then he kissed me again much less innocently. I tangled my fingers into his hair, pulling him closer to me. I needed him close. Impossibly close. I slid my tongue along his bottom lip, wanting so desperately to taste the inside of his mouth. He wrapped his arms around me, parting his lips to slide his tongue against mine. .
A tiny noise escaped his throat as I slid on top of him, kissing him hard and pushing him into the mattress. I could feel how turned on he was as he ground up against me, early morning erection jabbing needily against my hip.
I’d fantasized about this hundreds of times. Written it extensively, even. Nothing compared to the actually sounds Frank made as I pressed down into him, pinning him heatedly against the mattress. The throaty moan that escaped his lips as I grazed my teeth over his neck was pure sex.
I wanted to tell him I loved him but I couldn’t bring myself to tear my lips away from his skin. He had to know how much I loved him. There was no way he didn’t know. I sucked hard on his salty skin, grinding up against him. I’d still tell him after we’d…
“Frankie.” I mumbled against his collarbone. I slid my tongue up his neck, hoping to pull more moans across his lips.
“Gerard...” He hissed. I could have came just hearing him moan my name like that.
I arched my back to get better access to the region below his hips. He quickly grabbed at the hand I was trailing down his torso.
“Gerard, wait. Stop.” he breathed.
I pulled my lips off of his neck somewhat apprehensively.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered, pressing a kiss against his jaw.
“I’m sorry but- we can’t- ...I’m not ready to-.” He stammered.
“Oh.” I said dumbly, “Oh yeah.” I pulled away from him, feeling stupid and embarrassed for having been so quick to advance on him. Of course he wasn’t ready. What the fuck was I doing?
I closed my eyes trying to swallow the passionate burning need to fuck Frank’s brains out.
“Fuck. I’m so sorry, Gerard.” He repeated.
“Don’t apologize, Frank. You haven’t done anything wrong.” I gritted out. My head was still swimming with lust. “I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t ready to do.”
Frank placed his trembling hand in mine. “We can still kiss and stuff I just…” he paused, swallowing hard.
I opened my eyes, looking up at the ceiling. I forgot that Frank was just as nervous and unsure about all of this as I was.
“I just have… um, performance anxiety.” He said, barely loud enough to hear.
“What?” I asked, looking over at his blushing face. He squeezed my hand.
“Performance anxiety.” He repeated, darting his gaze away from me. “It’s like… it’s just what you wrote about me.” His voice was so tiny I thought I’d misheard him.
“What?” I breathed. I reached out to tilt his face towards mine. His eyes met mine for a brief moment before darting away again. My heart started beating faster at the mention of my fucking writing.
“In your stories… ficitons, whatever you call them. You were so… generous in your descriptions of our lovemaking. You wrote me as the best you’ve ever had in your life… and I’m just worried I guess that… well, what if I’m not all that you think I’m gonna be? I’m not so good at dirty talking. Or like, maybe I am? I haven’t really done it so much. And I certainly can’t unbutton your pants with one hand and... The expectations are just so high I-”
“Frank.” I whispered, cringing at every word that tumbled out of his pretty mouth.
“I’m sorry… I’m just not ready.” he said, letting out a pained sigh and staring sadly up at the ceiling.
I pulled him into my arms, trying to keep all pressure away from my hard-on. His arm slid around the back of my neck weakly.
“Oh Frankie,” I sighed into the crook of his neck, breathing him in. “If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. We can wait as long as you want but… I don’t want you to worry about what I wrote. Because you didn’t read my diary, you read my fiction. There’s a culture to it, y’know? A lot of what I wrote was just what I thought people wanted to read. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re a fucking porn star or not. I don’t care as long as it’s with you.”
I could feel him swallow hard. “Gee… uh. I mean, the thought’s there and all but… that kind of just makes it worse.” he said dryly.
I thought over how what I’d just said could have been misconstrued.
“No, Frank… fuck. Look at me please.” I said, pulling back so that I could look him in the eyes. “Just kissing you like that just now… I can’t fucking think straight or talk straight. If kissing you like that has me seeing stars I can’t imagine how brain-scrambled I’d be if we’d gone any further.”
He pursed his lips, trying to hide his embarrassed smile. It was so cute I thought my heart would fucking stop.
“We can wait as long as you want.” I repeated. “I’ll wait forever if you want.”
He nodded gently and leaned in to press a soft kiss to my cheek.
We stayed in bed until the sun was well above the horizon. Fingers slipping under hemlines, lips trailing over skin, apologies whispered. We drifted in and out of sleep. By noon I had an arm tucked lazily around Frank's waist. I fought to keep my eyes open. He looked just as exhausted - hair messy from unsatisfying sleep, lips swollen from kissing and sucking on skin, deep rings under his eyes. Even in his disheveled state he was beautiful as he finally slept peacefully.

Notes

apparently i haven't updated this in 21 days.
sorry about that... *cowers behind desk*
i have a laptop again so hopefully i'll be better abt it going forward

-m

Comments

I love this. I've re read it four or five times but never make it to the end. always get caught up. When will there be more?? I need more. I love this.

NOT USED ACCOUNT NOT USED ACCOUNT
11/15/16

Hey, I just wanted to let you know how closely I follow this story. I'm constantly rereading it, I love it so much. Now I'm not trying to rush the writing process, I know how delicate that can be, I jjst really appreciate all your hard work and I get super excited when I see you've updated. :)
Thank you for writing this.

IAmAGhost IAmAGhost
1/14/16

@KayKay
NEVER. HAHHHHHAHAH.
um, no, actually, idk, i'm working on it. i swear.

FRERARD HOTLINE FRERARD HOTLINE
10/1/15

D: when will this be updated?!

KayKay KayKay
9/25/15

@everyone: married in my mind isn't dead it's just taking a little nap. i promise. <3
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

FRERARD HOTLINE FRERARD HOTLINE
8/15/15