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Married In My Mind

Watching You Die

I opened my eyes, confused as to what I was doing in the passenger seat of my car. It was quiet and dark. I didn’t remember falling asleep.
It took awhile for my foggy mind to put everything back in place. I looked over at the driver’s seat - but Frank wasn’t in the car. I was alone. I pressed my fingers against the vents. They were still warm, so he couldn’t have left more than 10 minutes ago. I felt around for the keys, but I didn’t see them anywhere.
I looked out the window. I was in the parking lot of a gas station... but I had no idea where. It didn’t look familiar. The road beyond the parking lot was quiet, with no passing cars. Across the road there seemed to be a heavily wooded suburban neighborhood.

I glanced up at the rear-view mirror to peer into the gas station. Frank was walking out with two styrofoam cups in his hands. He set them on top of the car and opened the driver’s side door.
“Oh good… you’re awake.” he said, passing me one of the cups. The scent of cheap black coffee flooded my senses. I could feel myself perk up before I’d even had a sip.
“Yeah. Um. How long was I out?” I asked.
“Maybe an hour or so. I figured I’d let you sleep, you seemed pretty wiped out...” He slid into the driver’s seat and huddled over his cup, breathing in the steam that floated off of the liquid’s surface.
“Where are we?” I asked, taking a sip of the scalding liquid.
“I uh…” he chuckled nervously. “I have no idea. I got us kind of lost so I stopped to ask for directions…”
I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered Frank’s horrible sense of direction.
“It’s not too far. We’re only about 20 minutes from the highway and then maybe an hour away from home...”
Home.
I wasn’t ready to go home. I wasn’t ready for this to be over. I wasn’t ready to go back to reality. I liked it here in my car, where Frank would drive us around all night and he wasn’t mad at me. Sitting in the front seat in the middle of the night - I could pretend he didn’t even know I loved him. I must have made a face because his expression shifted to sympathy.
“You can come over if you don’t want to go home.” He said, taking a sip of his coffee. “If I’d known I was going to be driving around all night I wouldn’t have stayed up so late last night.” He yawned.
I wanted to ask what had kept him up, but I wasn’t sure if I’d like the answer.
“Ok...” I mumbled. It felt like I was overstepping a boundary.
Frank started the car and pulled onto the dark, deserted street. The clock on the dashboard indicated it was well past 2am. I sipped my coffee in silence and watched his face in the glow of the dashboard lights.

“I keep having nightmares about you…” Frank said after we’d turned onto the highway.
“The same dream every time or different dreams?” I asked.
“Well… it’s like… I keep dreaming about the other night… about what would have happened to you if I hadn’t found you outside of that venue with Bert…” He kept his eyes glued to the road.
“But you did find me.” I pointed out.
“But what if I hadn’t, Gerard? What would have happened? Would we even be having this conversation right now or-?” He whispered the second half of the question, wincing. “You could have died, Gee.”
“But I didn’t.” I said softly.
“I just… I can’t stop dreaming about what could’ve happened to you.” He said miserably.
“I’m so sorry about all this.” I mumbled. I reached over and gently squeezed his shoulder.
“I’m don’t want you to be sorry, Gerard. I just have to keep an eye on you and make sure you don’t hurt yourself… that’s all. It’s like, if I can’t see you I’m worried something terrible is happening to you. I don’t know how to make it stop…”
As much as I wished I had an answer for him, I didn’t.
We spent the rest of the drive in silence.

~

Frank flicked on the light in the hallway and set my car keys down on a small table by the door.
“I’m going to make some coffee.” he yawned, sliding out of his coat.
“You don’t have to stay up if you’re tired.” I said. “You’ve done enough for me for one night.”
He bit his lip thoughtfully. “Okay. Um. Do you wanna watch TV or something?” he asked, walking down the hallway towards his living room.
“Sure.” I said, following after him, feeling awkward.
He flicked on the TV and dropped onto the couch. I sat down beside him taking extra care to make sure we weren’t touching. He lifted the remote lazily and started flicking through the channels.
“Want to watch the second half of blade runner?” he asked, voice already dull and thick with exhaustion.
“Yeah, okay.” I said absently, knowing I wasn’t going to be able to focus on anything happening on the screen anyway.

Frank fell into a restless sleep within minutes. I was right about not being able to focus on the television. His head slumped across the couch cushion. It looked uncomfortable but I was apprehensive to wake him up and lead him back to his room. I didn’t want him to take it the wrong way.
The residual exhaustion of my earlier panic attack was still gnawing at me. I floated in and out of consciousness, watching the TV screen move but not really processing what was happening. I wasn’t asleep but I also wasn’t fully awake.
I kept having these half-dreams. Like, little mundane re-runs of the day. Walking towards the vending machines at the recording studio. Lighting a cigarette. I was pulled out of my sleep by little whimpers. I thought it was the dream I was having. I quickly realized it wasn’t the Frank in my dreams but the Frank that was sleeping uneasily beside me on the sofa.
Soft, frightened murmurs kept escaping his lips. I reached over and, against better judgement, ran my fingers carefully through Frank’s hair.
“No.” he whimpered in a tiny voice. “No please.”
“Frank? Frank it’s alright.” I told him softly, gripping his shoulder to try and wake him up.
His eyes shot open. A look of pure horror formed on his face.
“Fuck.” He gasped, looking like he was trying very hard to stifle a scream. “Gerard you’re…” he paused. “You’re okay…..”
“Yeah. I am.” I said softly, brushing a lock of hair out of his face.
“You’re here and you’re okay…” he whispered, leaning in and pressing his soft lips against mine. I kissed back carefully, not sure if he was completely awake and consenting. He slid his arms around my neck and pulled me onto him, kissing me hard and desperate. His tongue slid against my lower lip.
“Frank, wait a second.” I whispered, trying to pull away.
“I feel like I’ve watched you die 1000 times.” he breathed. “How do I make it stop?”
An explosion sounded in the movie, making Frank flinch.
“Hey it’s okay.” I said, pulling him into my arms as best I could. It wasn’t exactly graceful, given our arrangement on the couch. He rested his cheek on my shoulder and let out a deep sigh.
I held him as his breathing slowly regulated. He seemed to quickly untense and fall apart in my arms. I thought he might have even gone back to sleep. I was about to slide him out of my arms and arrange him in a more comfortable position on the couch when he stirred. He rolled over and rested his head in my lap. Sleepy brown eyes stared up into mine.
“I’m so fucking scared I’m gonna hurt you…” He murmured. “But I’m just as scared you’re gonna disappear before we can figure this shit out.”
‘I’m not gonna disappear. I promise.” I said. I traced his collar bone through his t-shirt.
“I don’t know what the fuck to do, Gerard.” he paused to take a deep, sad sigh. “I’ll never fucking forgive myself if I hurt you. I can’t stop this horrible feeling that I’m going to do something I regret. I mean, I already have…”
A sinking feeling slid it’s way down my chest. “Do you regret this? Right now? I’m sorry I kissed back I shouldn’t ha-”
“No!” He interrupted, sliding his hand over the fingers I was tracing over his chest. “...No. That’s not what I meant...”
I glanced up at the TV when making eye contact felt too intense. I swallowed the nervous feeling in my throat. I had to pick my words carefully. I felt like I was walking through a conversational mine field. Blade Runner had ended and started over. The movie was only about 15 minutes in.
“I wish you had just told me you liked me…” he said.
“I wish that too.” I replied, still staring at the screen. “I… I thought I was protecting you.”
“Protecting me? From what?”
“The whole drama of it. I thought I’d found a way to deal with how I felt about you without having to get you involved.” My heart lurched. I’d never had to explain this stuff out loud to anyone before.
“But that’s not fair, Gerard.”
“What’s unfair about it?” I asked, finally looking down at him.
“You’ve had all this time to think about what you want from me and I have so much catching up to do… I don’t know what I want so I can’t give you what you want.”
“Frank, I’m not asking you for anything. I don’t ever want you to feel like you owe me anything.” I said, leaning in closer to gaze into his eyes.
“It’s not about what I owe you… I can’t ignore the fact that I know exactly what you want from me.”
“What is it you think I want from you exactly?”
I read it, Gerard. It’s all in size 11 helvetica on fucking live journal.”
I could feel myself die a little inside at those words. The thought of Frank bent over a computer reading my most intimate fantasies made me want to throw up. I wanted to say something but I couldn’t think of anything to say.
“Fuck. I’m sorry. That was insensitive.” he said, squeezing my hand. “I wasn’t trying to freak you out.”
“I- ok….” I mumbled. I could feel warmth spreading across my face. I closed my eyes and swallowed back the shock.

“Come on. Let’s go to sleep.” He yawned, sitting up and getting off the couch. He reached for my hand and pulled me along with him. I followed him to his room, still too stunned to speak.
He vanished into the dark room and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. I sat on the edge of the bed and kicked my shoes off. I bit my lip, trying to ignore how nervous I was. The whole room smelled like Frank and laundry. When I turned to look at him he was already stretched out under the blankets. I couldn’t read his expression. I peeled back the covers and slid under them next to him.
He reached over to turn the light off.
“C’mere.” He mumbled in the dark, pulling me close. He buried his face in the crook of my neck. It felt so good to be so wrapped up in Frank. I knew sleep wouldn’t come for me. I couldn’t stop the jittery feeling in the pit of my stomach and I couldn’t turn my brain off.
“Frank?” I whispered. He was already fast asleep.

But it wasn’t for very long. He started to twitch and whimper just like he had earlier in the evening.
“Frank wake up.” I called. I shook him gently. “Frankie. Hey!”
He inhaled sharply like he had been drowning.
“Holy fucking shit.” He whispered. He buried his face in my chest and let out a soft moan.
“Bad dream?” I asked.
“Gerard I can’t do this anymore.” He said softly. “I can’t watch you die anymore.” He sounded like he was going to cry. He tilted his head up and pressed his lips against mine softly.

“What if you die never knowing how much I want you?” he whispered against the corner of my mouth.

“Is that what scares you?” I asked.
“It terrifies me.” he breathed.
“Well… I think I know now.”

Notes

hi~

if you like this update please let me know what you think?

dont forget u can follow me on tumblr at postmortemdecorum.tumblr.com

-m

Comments

I love this. I've re read it four or five times but never make it to the end. always get caught up. When will there be more?? I need more. I love this.

NOT USED ACCOUNT NOT USED ACCOUNT
11/15/16

Hey, I just wanted to let you know how closely I follow this story. I'm constantly rereading it, I love it so much. Now I'm not trying to rush the writing process, I know how delicate that can be, I jjst really appreciate all your hard work and I get super excited when I see you've updated. :)
Thank you for writing this.

IAmAGhost IAmAGhost
1/14/16

@KayKay
NEVER. HAHHHHHAHAH.
um, no, actually, idk, i'm working on it. i swear.

FRERARD HOTLINE FRERARD HOTLINE
10/1/15

D: when will this be updated?!

KayKay KayKay
9/25/15

@everyone: married in my mind isn't dead it's just taking a little nap. i promise. <3
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

FRERARD HOTLINE FRERARD HOTLINE
8/15/15