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Married In My Mind

Definitely Not Metal

I sat in the passenger seat of my Mikey’s car later that afternoon, just staring at my phone and thumbing over the call button. The worst thing about all this was that I couldn’t talk to my best friend. I was still in shock. It hadn’t really sunk in that I had done something that could fuck everything up, not just for me and Frank, but for the whole band. Remorse was starting to settle in the pit of my stomach as I thought over all the ridiculous romantic scenes I had written. They were nothing compared to the millions of times I’d thought about kissing him, holding him, being in a relationship with him. My fingers just instinctively scrolled through my phone until they landed on “Frank” over and over.

The second worst thing about all of it was the backlash. The first thing I did after talking to Brian was go and delete the account the stories had been posted to to try and minimize the damage. They had been copied and pasted or screen-capped onto dozens of other blogs in a seemingly endless chain. E-mails. Calls. Texts. Tweets. Blog posts. I tried not to look too much because I knew it would only freak me out more. Everyone was trying to guess what was going to happen next. Talk of band breakup or Frank leaving the band. Some people were even trying to guess if any of our songs were written about Frank. So many bizarre rumors had started in the 24 hours since it had gotten out.

“Don’t look at that stuff, Gerard.” Mikey said sternly, grabbing my phone when he’d glanced over and noticed me scrolling through twitter. He slid it into his pocket.
“But what if Frank calls?” I whined.
He thought it over a moment before handing it back. “Fine. You can have it, but no twitter.”
I took the phone back and held it protectively.
“You need some cheering up. Wanna order takeout and watch some scary movies?” Mikey offered.
“No. I just want something to hang myself with…” I replied glumly.
He let out a long sigh. “You know how ridiculous you’re being, right? Just fucking call him. If he’s really your best friend he’ll understand.”
“What am I supposed to tell him?” I groaned. “I can’t just call him up and say ‘hey, sorry I’m in love with you and everyone knows about it. Let’s pretend I’m not so we can record the rest of the album.’”
Mikey chuckled at my melodrama, but kept his gaze focused on the road.
My heart immediately started racing as I stared at the screen. I scrolled quickly to Frank’s name and pressed talk. I held my breath as I brought the phone to my ear. It rang, piercing anxious daggers into my heart. It rang again and went to voicemail. I hung up, deeply uninterested in pouring my heart out into a 30 second message.
“It went to voicemail.” I reported grimly.
“We could try calling his girlfriend?” Mikes suggested.
“Yeah. I’m sure that’ll go over well.” I laughed miserably.

Once we got to my apartment with our takeout, Mikey’s phone rang. He told me it was Brian before disappearing into the other room to take the call. I poked at a piece of steamed broccoli miserably as some shitty movie about vampires played as nothing more than background noise.
Mikey returned to the room a few minutes later, expressionless and collected as always.
“Alright. So. I’m not sure if this is good or bad news...” He paused to gauge my reaction. “Brian got a call from Frank. I guess he broke his phone and if we want to talk to him we have to call Jamia’s phone. Which is good, it explains why he didn’t pick up when you called earlier…”

It had rung once... He must have broken his phone because I called. And now, if I wanted to talk to Frank I had to call Jamia, who probably wanted me dead.

“Brian said that when asked him about you he said he didn’t want to talk about it and hung up...” he continued.
I felt sick, suddenly. It was so weird to think that Frank was out there somewhere and that he was furious with me. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
“That doesn’t mean anything though, Gerard. Don’t freak out about it. Just because he doesn’t want to talk to Brian about you doesn’t mean anything.”
“Can you just punch me in the face so I can wake up from this stupid nightmare.” I groaned. A sympathetic grin spread across Mikey’s face.
“Brian says my job for the night is to keep your mind off things... Beyond that, you and Frank need to work something out. Brian and the rest of the band agree that this can’t get in the way of recording. It’s the only way to avoid bad press. He’s going to release a statement saying we’re recording as normal. No one’s leaving the band.”

I nodded so he knew I’d heard him, but didn’t trust myself to speak. A small wave of relief washed over me. Even if things were going to be fucked up between me and Frank forever, it didn’t seem like it was going to destroy our band. No one wanted it to.

“Anyway, so Bob texted me. Some of his metalhead friends are throwing a party tonight - you wanna go? Bob said they probably won’t know who we are so we can forget about Frank and the drama and everything else for the night.”
“Sounds good.” I mumbled.
“Great!” He chimed, giving me a quick hug. “You don’t look very metal though. You should put on something black. Can I borrow your Iron Maiden t-shirt or something?”
I stared down at my flannel and blue jeans. Definitely not metal…
“Yeah. You can borrow whatever.” I said.
“Fuck, Gerard. Stop acting so gloomy. You cannot act like this at the party, ok?”
“Ok.” I mumbled.
“Promise me.”
“I promise.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stood in the kitchen at this guy’s house, drinking some tonic water, in black jeans and an Iron Maiden sweatshirt. It seemed like a foolproof way to disguise that I wasn’t drinking alcohol. Fizzy water in a red plastic party cup always threw people off. After a while they’d get too drunk to notice I was completely sober. It had never failed me before.

I had been doing ok for awhile. Bob had been so kind as to introduce me to his dozens of tattooed friends with crazy piercings, facial hair and t-shirts of black metal bands I didn’t recognize. They were all in this band or worked at “that” tattoo shop or hung around “that” biker gang. They all seemed to have interesting lives and it was nice to be lost in a crowd of people who didn’t know who I was and didn’t care. It distracted me from the sinking feelings of remorse.
But my mind was still so stuck on Frank that after an hour or so I needed to just hang out alone in the kitchen and collect myself. I noticed a glass door leading out the back of the house. A cigarette sounded so good at the moment so I opened the door and stepped out into the warm summer night. I smoked in the dark silence, letting my thoughts trail off wherever they wanted to. I felt safe in the darkness of the garden. Shadows cast across the lawn, exaggerating the shapes of plants in interesting distortions.

I heard muffled voices in the kitchen. I turned around and peered through the window and immediately choked on the puff of smoke I had just inhaled. Frank was standing in the kitchen, in the exact spot I had been standing just moments before. He was yelling at Bob. His colorful hands waved dramatically in the air, his brow furrowed. His eyes were red, though I couldn’t tell if he had been crying or if he was just stoned. I stepped back into the shadows so they couldn’t see me. My phone buzzed in my pocket, I pulled it out. It was Mikey, of course.
“Hey M.”
“Gerard. Where the fuck are you?”
“I’m out for a smoke.” I told him, still gazing at Frank and Bob yelling in the kitchen.
I heard Mikey sigh heavily on the other end. “I think Frank’s here. I don’t know why. Maybe someone must’ve invited him?”
“Oh.” I replied, playing stupid.
“We can leave if you want.”
“Maybe that’s a good idea. I’ll come find you when I’m done with my smoke.”
“Okay.” He sighed again. “I’m so fucking sorry, Gee. The point of tonight was to keep him off your mind. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I swear.” He slurred. Drunk, I guessed.
“I know, M. I believe you. See you in a few.” I told him and dropped the call.

Frank and Bob were still arguing. To my horror, Frank headed for the back door.
“This is so fucking UNCOOL, Bob!” He yelled, slamming the door behind him.
“Fuck.” He groaned into the dark, rubbing his face with his hands. Crying - not stoned - I decided.
I coughed so he knew he wasn’t alone.
“Fuck!" He gasped. "You scared me.”
He chuckled warily, turning my direction. I puffed hard on my cigarette trying to figure out what the fuck to do.
“Hey dude uh, can I bum a cigarette? I’m having one hell of a night.” he said sadly.
“Of course.” I said, my voice still raspy from choking on smoke. I couldn’t read his face in the dark, but it didn't seem like he'd figured out it was me yet.
“I’m Frank, by the way.” He said, his voice still erratic. He was trying hard to compose himself. The thought of him being upset enough to cry broke my heart.
I handed him a cigarette and my lighter. “Hey Frank. Um... I think we need to talk.”
He immediately froze.
Gerard?” He hissed, barely above a whisper.
“Hi.” I laughed, in spite of myself.

“Oh fuck no!” He muttered and started for the door, letting the unlit cigarette and lighter fall into the grass.
“Frank! Wait!” I called. “Stop! Can we talk for just a second? Smoke a cigarette with me. I’ll never ask anything of you ever again.” My heart was thudding. Hands trembling. I had to choose my words and actions carefully if I ever wanted to keep my best friend.

He paused for a moment, clearly thinking it over.
He turned to look at me.
“Ok… fine.” he sighed.

Notes

hi. i'm glad you all liked the first chapter
let me know what you think of the second~

have a chill weekend ; )

l8r

-m

Comments

I love this. I've re read it four or five times but never make it to the end. always get caught up. When will there be more?? I need more. I love this.

NOT USED ACCOUNT NOT USED ACCOUNT
11/15/16

Hey, I just wanted to let you know how closely I follow this story. I'm constantly rereading it, I love it so much. Now I'm not trying to rush the writing process, I know how delicate that can be, I jjst really appreciate all your hard work and I get super excited when I see you've updated. :)
Thank you for writing this.

IAmAGhost IAmAGhost
1/14/16

@KayKay
NEVER. HAHHHHHAHAH.
um, no, actually, idk, i'm working on it. i swear.

FRERARD HOTLINE FRERARD HOTLINE
10/1/15

D: when will this be updated?!

KayKay KayKay
9/25/15

@everyone: married in my mind isn't dead it's just taking a little nap. i promise. <3
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

FRERARD HOTLINE FRERARD HOTLINE
8/15/15