Married In My Mind

For the first time in forever Frank didn’t have any nightmares.
Or, if he did, I didn’t notice.
I’d been sleeping beside him for so long that I slept very lightly. I was always listening for any signs that Frank felt fearful or was in some state of unease, even when I dreamed. I didn’t detect a single stir from him all through the night.

I woke up when the sun was well into the sky, disoriented after sleeping so many hours in a row. A streak of sunlight slashed across the crumpled bedspread. Frank and I were in the same state as we had been when we fell asleep: tangled up and sweaty. I blinked at Frank’s pale, tattooed flesh, having a hard time believing that the night before had actually even happened. I didn’t know what it meant for us, if anything. Maybe everything would stay the way it already was.
We had slept close like this plenty of times before my fics got out, but we’d never cuddled up naked. It was nice to lay all tangled up in him, skin to skin.
Frank groaned and nuzzled his face into my neck, pressing his lips to my skin lazily. I buried my face in his hair and breathed in his scent. I slid my fingers up and down his back slowly.
“Morning.” I whispered.
The arm he had slung around my waist tightened, crushing us together in a sleepy hug. His half-hard morningwood pressed against my leg, skin still soft from the lube. He lazily ground his hips against mine and lifted his head up to plant a sloppy kiss on the corner of my mouth.
“I feel totally disgusting right now.” he croaked. “Shower with me?”
He bit his lip as he gazed at me hungrily, hair swooping in every direction, face still dreamy. How the fuck could anyone say ‘no’ to that?
I nodded, running my tongue over my lower lip. He hummed and shot me a devilish smirk before pressing his lips against mine. He groaned as I pulled him on top of me. Our bodies fit so perfectly together. The slide of his hard-on against mine had me moaning involuntarily into his mouth.
He suddenly slid off of me and pulled the covers off.
“C’mon.” He said impatiently, crawling off the bed. I could hear his faint footsteps against the hardwood floors as he walked down the hall. I slid off the bed, feeling goosebumps spread over my skin.
He was already adjusting the temperature of the water by the time I’d gotten into the bathroom. The room was filling with hot steam. He turned to look at me, eyes raking over my pale, naked form. I pursed my lips and blushed, staring down at the floor.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, stepping towards me, wrapping an arm around my waist and kissing my shoulder.
“Nothing. I-” I paused, not really knowing how to explain myself. I glanced in the mirror, eyeing the lovebites littering my upper body.
“You’re totally beautiful. You know that, right?” He said against my ear.
I shook my head. He reached up and tilted my chin towards him to kiss me softly. He smiled against my lips.
“Get in. You’re shivering.” He said softly, pulling me by the hand.
I stepped under the spray, it was just a slight bit warmer than I would have preferred, but not unbearable. Frank stepped in after me and pressed himself against me. We kissed lazily under the warm water. We exchanged sleepy handjobs and held each other close until the water ran cold.

After wrapping up in towels we ended up spooning on the couch under a blanket and watching cartoons. Frank pressed soft kisses to my neck. His fingers gently ghosted up and down my side, almost tickling but not quite.
“I wish I could take you out on a real date.” He said softly, sliding his arm around my middle and holding me tighter against him.
“Yeah.” I sighed, staring vacantly at the TV screen. “Me too.”
“We’re so busy hiding this from everyone that we won’t ever get to do the normal dating stuff. It fucking sucks. I can’t take you out to a horror movie double feature and make out with you in the back the whole time…”
I couldn’t help but smile at the idea. At the same time I felt an overwhelming pang of sorrow in my chest. Frank meant he wanted us to be together for real. The good and the bad. He wanted it all.
“And there’s no one I can talk to about it but you because we have to keep it a secret. So it’s like, I have to figure out my feelings all on my own in this fucking vacuum and then on top of that I have to pretend it’s not happening. It’s fucking miserable.” He sighed.
“Yeah.” I croaked, feeling my eyes start to sting with tears.
“And it’s like…. I love you. God, I love you so fucking much.” He paused to kiss my cheek. I felt a tear escape my eyelid. I held my breath to keep the impending sobs back. “We’ve always been close. But how do I know if I’m in love with you? How do I know I’m not just getting ahead of myself because you told the whole fucking world you wanted to marry me?” He hugged me tighter.
“Frank.” I sobbed, sliding my hand along the arm he had wrapped around me. He nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck.
“We could figure it all out, y'know?” He continued, lips brushing against my skin. “We could get a place together and pretend we're just roommates or something… But I don’t want to have to pretend about any of it. It’s not right.”
I bit down hard on my lip, letting tears spill down my face. I was vaguely aware of the cartoon on the TV screen. Courage the Cowardly Dog, it looked like.
“I want to hold your hand when we’re out together. I don’t want to have to meet you in secret all the time.”
I tried to get a shaky breath in and out. If I could just breathe I could stop crying.
This wasn’t a happy conversation. Frank sounded devastatingly sad.
“If I can’t have you… and I mean really have you. All of you. Then I don’t want you.”
“Frank, shut up. You don’t mean that.” I gasped. I twisted in his arms, rolling over to face him. He had tears in his bloodshot eyes as well. His hair was still dripping wet from the shower.
“If we have to pretend this isn’t happening… our feelings will just continue to get caught in the crossfire.”
“We’re not even together and it sounds like you’re breaking up with me.” I whispered, laughing in spite of myself.
“Gerard, listen to me.” He said, swallowing hard and brushing his fingers against my jaw. “You wrote something in one of your stories that I need you to remember right now… you wrote that when I smile at you there’s a brief second where you can pretend that we’re together. That me and you are already married in your mind. And that that’s enough for you.” He paused to hold back a sob. “Marriage is kind of a stretch but I… we’re already together in my mind, too.”
I closed my eyes when the sight before me had finally become too much. I couldn’t bear to see the boy I was hopelessly in love with looking back at me with such sad eyes.
“But the defining difference between you and I is that it’s not enough for me...”
“Frank, stop it.” I begged.
“I want you to keep coming over every night.” He said softly, a grim smile playing on his lips. “I want to fuck you in my shower and burn all your meals. I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up from my bad dreams… but we can’t do this forever. It’s not healthy. It’s not sustainable.”

There was nothing I could say, I realized.
There was nothing I could do.
Frank held me tightly in his arms and we just cried.

I had more tears than I had hope for us. I ran out of hope much quicker than I ran out of tears.
Though I eventually ran out of tears, too.
By the time I had to get ready for band practice I didn’t have any hope or any tears left. I was completely emptied out of everything.

I got off the couch, sliding out of Frank’s arms unwillingly. He stayed there, curling in on himself. He looked just as empty as I felt. I willed myself to go to his room and gather my clothes. I got dressed as quickly as I could and grabbed my phone off his bedside table. I walked through the kitchen, to grab my car keys. They were right where I’d left them, beside the box of condoms Frank had bought the day before.
Just when I thought I was out of tears, I felt my eyes pricking with more. It stung to cry. My head was pounding and my mouth was dry.
I heard Frank’s shaky breaths somewhere near. I turned and saw him standing in the doorway with his towel wrapped around his waist.
“I should head over to the studio.” I said solemnly, wiping off my tears on the back of my hand. “Wouldn’t want to show up there at the same time.” I said. I didn’t mean for it to sound angry, but it came out like acid. Frank looked visibly hurt. I walked towards him, glancing at the front door behind him.
“Will you come over later?” He asked sadly.
“I don’t know if I should. If we’re ever going to stop…” I trailed off.
“Yeah… okay…” he sighed, eyes welling up with tears again.
I nodded and slipped past him, heading for the door.
“Gerard?” Frank called, as I reached for the handle. I turned to look at him.
“Yeah, Frank?”
“About last night…” he said, wiping tears from his eyes. “Please don’t… Just don’t think I was using you. I would never use you. I've wanted to be with you, like that, and it came from a place of love…. This morning too. It was beautiful”
“It was.” I agreed, pursing my lips.
“I would never use you.” he repeated.
“I know you wouldn’t. We’re uh…” I paused. “Look, maybe in some other universe we got to end up together.”
He nodded, tears spilling over his eyes.
“But in this one…” I tapped a finger against my temple. “We’re together in here.”
I took a few steps toward him and pulled him into my arms. I leaned in and kissed him goodbye. He kissed back passionately, framing my face with his palms. I held him tightly, just taking in the feeling of his lips. It wasn’t as if we’d never see each other again but it might’ve been the last time I’d see him like that. Vulnerable. Conflicted. Full of love and uncertainty.

I left Frank’s apartment after that, heading straight to band practice.
I know it sounded dramatic but I felt dead inside.
Completely vacant and soulless.

I wandered into the practice room, wondering if a century of nights with Bert could even begin to fix the misery I was in. I fucking doubted it. I doubted anything could fix it.

“You look like shit.” Mikey said as I dropped onto the couch.
“Yeah.” I sighed, not having the strength to even pretend anything was okay.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, perching on the edge of the couch beside me.
“Same shit, different day.” I shrugged.
“So it’s about Frank?”
I nodded, curling up in on myself.

I stared across the room to where Bob and Ray were laughing about something on Bob’s phone. I heard the door swing open and click shut. I didn’t need to look up to know it was Frank. He walked through my line of vision, confirming my fears.
“One question…” Mikey said quietly, an inch or so away from my ear.
I hummed softly.
“How long have you and Frank been fucking?”
I snapped my head in Mikey’s direction. He'd asked the question so casually.
“What?” I hissed.
“Look, I don’t care if you guys are trying to keep it on the down-low. But you might wanna... try a little harder?” A smile pulled at his lips.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked under my breath, squinting at him.
“Let me spell it out for you…” Mikey sighed, keeping his voice low. Just then Ray laughed loudly confirming that, thankfully, no one was even paying attention to us. “You showed up 20 minutes apart from each other, both with wet hair. Your neck is covered in hickies, though you haven’t mentioned seeing anyone. I certainly haven’t seen you with anyone. And I know everyone, Gee.”
I stared hard at him, trying so hard not to blow my cover. It wasn’t working.
“You should’ve worn a scarf maybe? I probably would've just known you were trying to cover up hickies though so… there’s really no good way to have played that.”
I gaped at him.
Cover blown.
“Lastly, you clearly aren’t mad at each other anymore. Frank’s been in this room for about 30 seconds and you’re already avoiding each others gaze harder than I’ve ever seen. You guys are just trying to make sure no one catches you looking at each other, I’m guessing? That’s not fooling anyone. Well, maybe Bob and... Brian also, if he were here. And Ray’s distracted by his phone right now so...”
“Fuck.” I gasped. “How do you even-”
“Lots of casual hookups…” MIkey shrugged. “Hiding it is a like a form of performance art. I know what to look for.”
“Frank looks just as miserable as you do, if that’s any consolation. Did you guys fight or something?” He asked softly, pulling me in for a hug.
“We kind of just… broke up I guess.” I mumbled, swallowing hard.
“That bad, huh?” M whispered.
I nodded, tears pricking at my eyes. These tears felt more manageable. In such close proximity to my brother it felt like I could fight off the sobbing fit that was curling in my lungs, begging to be let out.
“Well, sorry to be an asshole, but that's what brothers are for. So I really gotta ask…” Mikey said, pressing his lips against my hair in an attempt to be comforting. “How long have you guys been.. y’know?”

Notes

i make this little joke to myself on Fridays: i say TGIF all day but what I MEAN is "Thank God It's Frerard~" Everyone's like "ya, lol, TGIF for real!" and i'm like 'u don't even realize u are fueling my fictional gay sex fire rn...." w/ a smirk.

NGL, actually cried a lil while writing this
sorry i made them break up. sort of. not really actually.
this story has been an emotional rollercoaster. real sorry abt yr feels n all.
someone told me i'm not overdoing it w/ the back-and-forth love/hate shit. but i'm a little worried i've overdone it this time. please let me knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww if i have.

don't fret. i'm always a sucker for happy endings so
TGIF
-m