Author's note: Please listen to this song while you read! It intensifies everything.
Candlebox- Far Behind

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I took another shaky breath from the freezing air. It stung my throat to breathe in the bitter New Jersey winter. The snow blanketed the cementary, making it look -almost- peaceful. I knew better though. Once the snow melted, the fascade was over, and it was just another sad, lonely, cemantary. I frowned as I approached the grave stone I had been visiting for awhile now. The snowy grass crunched beneath my cold knees as I kneeled down. I sat down- butt on the cold ground. The sacrifice was little compared to the pain in my heart. Poor Frankie took his life two years ago, and I still was so fucking drowned in the grief. I loved him so much, because he meant so much to me. I was in daily misery. Mikey put me in therapy, but it was useless everything was useless. My life was barely that. I gave up everything, because everything seemed so lifeless. I was lifeless. My heart beat slow and dreary- as if to match the scenery. My throat ached as the salty tears made their way down my face, and one single wail was let out. "Frankie why?" I cried, my chest tightening. I felt like I would puke. I bent over and laid my head on his gravestone. "Frankie why?" I whispered. My grief drowned me the worst today-because today was our annivercery- and the day he died. I tried to live- I did. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. Life felt so fucking incomplete without my little Frankie. God I missed him so much. I pulled the Xanax out of my pocket. Enough of these and I would be gone. I wouldn't have to miss my lover anymore. I could be gone forever. I wondered what the afterlife was like. Did everything just float into nothingness? Did I just black out? Did I become an angel, or float off into a another person?
"That all depends on who you are." A voice from beside my said. I gasped in realization because that was my Frankie's voice. I turned my head quickly and stood up. "Frankie? Frankie baby is that you?" I whispered, more tear rolling down my flushed cheeks. "Yeah Geebear. It's me." He smiled, opening his arms to me. "Frankie" I screamed running to him and engulfing him in my jacket clad arms. "Frankie oh my god Frank." I bawled. "Gerard, baby look at me." He said. I pulled my head out of his chest. "Gerard don't kill yourself. I know you miss me, but I am in your heart, and I leave you messages all the time. Whether it be our song playing on the radio on our aniversery, or comming to you in a dream. I am always here. You can't leave just yet. Let me show you what would happen if you did kill yourself tonight" He said, lifting his arm and all the sudden we were in Mikey's home. He was looking at a picture of me and him at a concert we saw together. He was crying. Why was he crying? He looked so different- so much older. "Gee why?" He whimpered and all the sudden everything made since."Oh Jesus" I whispered. Mikey began to sob. "Oh god. Oh my god" I whispered. Frank put an arm around me. "Mikey dropped out of his band even though they were making it big. Mikey began to drink and do drugs. He dropped all of his asperatoins. Even bass." Frank said. I turned to Frank and looked him in the eyes, tears running down my face again.Then all the sudden from behind me I heard a gunshot. I spinned around. "Mikey no!" I screamed and ran to his limp and bleeding body. "Mikey!" I screamed again. "Mikey! Mikey! Mikey! Mikey NO!" I bawled. Frank pulled me off of him. "Mikey" I whimpered.

I buried my face in Frank's chest and he cooed my name "Gerad- Gerard look up" He said. I looked around and we were back at the gravesite. "Gerard, you have a choice. You know what will happen if you kill yourself. So you decide now. Remember, suicide never ends the pain, it only runs it through the veins of everyone you love." Then he disapeared, just like that. Gone. I wiped away my tears and threw the Xanax down. "I choose life" I whispered and walked away to the car.

When I got in the car I turned on the radio and smiled as the last of my tears raced down my face to meet my watery smile. On the radio was our song:

"Now maybe
I did not mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And now maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway
And so maybe
Your friends they stand around they watch your crumble
As you falter to the ground
And then someday
Your friends they stand beside as you were flyin'
Oh you were flyin' oh so high

But then someday people look at you for what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hear you calling home
But then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us
But you left me far behind

Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now I said maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain

No, no, no
Couldn't share the pain, they watch you suffer

Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I've known
And then maybe we might share in something great
But won't you look at where we've grown
Won't you look at where we've gone
But then someday comes tomorrow holds
a sense of what I fear for you in my mind
As you trip the final line
And that cold day when you lost control
It's a shame you left my life so soon you should have told me
But you left me far behind, yeah
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no

Oh no
Oh no no no no...
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
I said times have changed your friends
They come and watch you crumble to the ground
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hold you down
Hold on down
Now maybe lover, maybe love
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind
Left me far behind
Left me far behind"

Goosebumps erupted on my skin, tears rushed down my face, my body began to shake a little.

I smiled as I said, "I choose life Frankie."

Notes

That song is so perfect!