Terrible Things

I sat down on the side of her bed, my hands already beginning to tremble. "Bandit?" I asked, as she looked up at me from where she was playing on the floor. She smiled her adorable smile as she lifted her head towards me. "Can I talk to you for a few minutes?" She nodded and stood up, leaving her toys resting on the carpet as she took the seat beside me. Her expression softened when she sat down, realizing the intensity of the moment. She was incredibly smart like her mother, and always had a sense for other people's emotions, like me. "You know how you always ask about mommy?" She nodded slowly. "Well, I will tell you." I said, taking her small hand in mine.

"By the time I was 16, I'd give anything to fall in love truly was all I could think. That's when I met your mother, the girl of my dreams, the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen." I smiled, remembering how happy she was all the time. She loved to dance too, she'd dance anywhere; you name it. The kitchen, backstage, or even in the middle of a store. One time we were relaxing on the stairs in the back of a venue where each of our bands were playing. We were sharing a drink and talking. I remember how the stars glinted off of her eyes. "She said 'Boy can I tell you a wonderful thing? I can't help but notice you're staring at me. I know I shouldn't say this but I really believe, I can tell by your eyes that you're in love with me.'" And she was right. My daughter smiled up at me after hearing the words of her mother. "Now hon, I'm only telling you this because life can do terrible Things." I added. Her smile faded and she nodded knowingly before I continued.

"Now, most of the time, we'd have too much to drink. We'd laugh at the stars and we share everything." This made her smile again. "Too young to notice and too dumb to care, love was a story that couldn't compare." I remembered when we were on tour and we would leave in the middle of the night. We'd sneak off of our tour busses and walk hand in hand around the town we were in. If the city was too big or unfamiliar, we'd just lie in the lot and count the stars. And one night, I'd finally gotten the courage to ask her. “I said 'Girl can I tell you a wonderful thing? I made you a present with paper and string. Open with care now, I'm asking you please, you know that I love you. Will you marry me?'" I said smiling with tears in my eyes. Bandit was smiling again, like she always does.

"Now hon, I'm only telling you this because life can do terrible things." I paused to wipe a few falling tears.
"You'll learn one day. I hope and I pray that God shows you differently." Her skinny arms wrapped around me as I let out a choked sob. I quickly composed myself to continue. Bandit was always strong when I wasn't. Independent, caring, and loving; just like her mother. "She said 'Boy can I tell you a terrible thing? It seems that I'm sick and I've only got weeks. Please don't be sad now. I really believe that you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me.'" I slid off the bed and slow, so slow, I fell to the ground on my knees. "So don’t fall in love there's just too much to lose. If you're given the choice, then I'm begging you choose to walk away. Walk away and don't let him get you. I can't bear to see the same happen to you." I reached up and took each of her hands in mine. "Now hon, I'm only telling you this because life can do terrible things." I pulled her into a hug and rubbed her back.

I reached into my pocket and retrieved the square velvet box. "She wanted you to have this. You have to promise, you'll be very careful with it. Don't take it off unless you're home and don't let people touch it. Okay?" She nodded, eyeing the box I was holding. I opened it and removed the silver chain. I unhooked the clasp and strung it around her neck for her. I looked at the silver treble clef that hung from the chain and sat lazily on the front of her shirt. She looked at it in the mirror and smiled in admiration.

"I love it. It's really pretty." She said.

"I gave that to her for our anniversary." She placed her hand over it and looked to me.

"I love you daddy." She wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Love you too B." I rubbed her back and stood up. I left and shut the door behind me.

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"I told her everything. She's been wearing your necklace ever since." I chuckled, lacking the joy that used to come with it. "She's so smart, and beautiful, and kind and happy. Just like you. She's taken up art lately. She's an amazing painter. Good singer, too." I blinked away a few tears and ran a hand through my messy hair. "I'll tell her stories sometimes, and she loves to hear about her mother." I plucked a blade of grass and twirled it between my fingers. "I wish I was as strong as her. She's the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. The only reason I get dressed, eat; breathe." I paused for a long time, waiting for a response I wouldn't get. I stood up and walked back to my car, mumbling a goodbye and not looking back at Lindsey's headstone.

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Gerard continued to take care of Bandit, and often taking time to himself to sulk while his daughter spent time with his brother. But one night, four years after telling his daughter of her mother's terrible fate, Gerard ended it.

'To whoever finds this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being the empty void I've been for the past 13 years. I'm sorry for never being there for anyone. Mikey, thanks for taking care of me in my darkest of times and being the best brother a pathetic being like me could ask for.
Ray, Frank, thanks for always being by my side. I'll never forget my two best friends.
Bandit, thank you for being one of the most wonderful people I was blessed with. You're beautiful, intelligent, kind and talented. Everything your mother was. I'm sorry I wasn't there like I should have been. A man like me doesn't deserve such a daughter.
Please know this is no one's fault but mine. I've grown tired of living like a cold, empty shell. I don't want anyone to mourn, as I don't deserve it.
I've taken the pills. I've said goodbye. I'm coming Lindsey.' were his last words.

Gerard's note and body were found in his bedroom by his brother upon his arrival with Bandit. Bandit concealed any emotion she may have felt. Her belongings were packed and she was taken in by her Aunt and Uncle. Ray and Frank were flown in for the funeral. Everyone went on with their lives. They never spoke of him, but no one ever forgot Gerard. No days went by when no one thought of him or what might have been.

Notes

I'm sorry. I cried while writing it. Whoops