Don't tell mom

Mikey's pov

i ran outside trying hard not to cry. He hit me. Gerard hates me enough to hit me.

i didn't even do anything! He was mad and wanted to talk to me but didn't say why and all I said was couldn't we talk later and that I wanted to hang out with ray.

If he was mad at ray then why would he hit me? It didn't make sense. he had to be mad at me but for what?
I hadn't eaten all day just for him and was getting hungry but apparently one day isn't good enough for him. I had to go longer. Way longer.

Shortly after he hit me i ran to rays and let myself in hoping he'd be able to make me feel somewhat better.
"Mikey what's wrong?" He asked as I bursted through his door crying.

"He hit me! He fucking hit me ray! He fucking hates me so much he hit me!" I cried and collapsed to the floor in a sobbing mess.

"Oh my god mikey are you okay?" He asked crouching down infront of me.

I was so upset I couldn't do anything except cry, and ray being the amazing friend he was sat by and just held me.

After I had managed to stop crying my head felt like hell. "Fuck I have a head ache." I mumbled

"Here let's go get you some food and water you're probably dehydrated from crying so much."

"No!" I yelled strongly "I mean no I don't want any food I'm fine."

"Mikey you haven't eaten since before lunch aren't you hungry?" He asked.

"No I'm fine ray it's just a headache if you have Motrin I'll take it but I don't need water or anything with it."

"Mikey Motrin won't fix the headache if you're dehydrated. You need water to make it go away." He reasoned

I thought for a minute before deciding that water was zero calories and safe to drink without making me gain any weight.

"okay I'll take the water but nothing else." I said.
Ray looked at me suspiciously but dropped whatever he was about to say and left the room to get me water.

---------

Once I got home I noticed the house was really quiet. Mom and dads jobs must've run late and thankfully it doesn't sound like franks here since there's no moaning tonight.

I went up to my room and Gerard was sitting outside of it on the floor.

"Mikey-"

I didn't let him finish and instead walked into the bathroom at the other end of the hall and locked the door.
He knocked a few times to try and get me to open the door but I turned the shower on so I couldn't hear him.

i took off my clothers and before I was about to step into the shower I stopped to look at myself in the mirror.

I wasnt anything special. I was tall and lanky and didn't really have any features. My arms and legs were thin-ish but my thighs were touching and I'm pretty sure most people now want a thigh gap, so I need to have one because frank probably has one and maybe gerard likes it. Maybe it would make him like me.
My stomach is flat but you can't see my hip bones or ribs which is something I have to work on too. As for my package it's not anything special either, or so I think. I've never really seen anyone else's in person but I don't really think there's anything special about me anywhere else so why would I be special there?

I need to loose the weight I thought to myself as I stared my body down. I looked back up at my face which was now black and blue where Gerard had hit me and all I could think was 'maybe if I was thin then he wouldn't hate me so much'

Notes

Getting deeper into the eating disorder with Mikey's thoughts
kinda makes me think about my old story a little but I like writing this one a lot more

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