Don't tell mom

Mikey's pov

After my little morning brawl with gerard I felt like shit. I felt horrible for yelling at him but he really did deserve it even if I didnt want to admit it.

i saw ray walking down the street infront of me and ran to him then I jumped up onto his back.
"Go ray go!" I yelled holding into him as he stumbled around.

"Mikey get off my back!" He groaned, ray was never really a morning person.

"No carry me!" I laughed holding on tighter hiding my head into his hair.

*beeeeeeepbeeeep*

I looked up from my spot on ray's neck and saw gerard flying past us honking. I knew gerard wouldn't honk like that this early in morning so I'm guessing frank was in the car with him.

"was that-"

"yea" I said "just ignore them it'll make my day easier." I told him.

"What happened? You're mad." Ray stated.

I just gripped on tighter to ray and shook my head even though he couldn't see me. "Just gerard and me fought a little this morning it's nothing, and I'm really getting tired of frank."

"Do you want me to get back at frank for you because you know I will, I'll make his face twenty times worse than yours.....hey wait, what happened to your face? Where are the bruises." he asked as he turned his head to look at my face from our positions.

"Make up, mom will be home when I get home today so I don't want her to see it, oh and speaking of after school I can't ditch and come over. I'm sorry."

"What why not?" Ray asked sounding hurt.

"Gerard's being a bitch and threatened to tell her I ditched if I don't come home after school and if he sees I ditched he'll still tell. I don't get why he cares though, I'm just going to be hiding out in my room if franks there anyways." Ray nooded.

"Mikey can you please get off now?" He then groaned

"Noooo." I whined "carry meeee."

"Mikey your fucking heavy and hurting my back now get your fat ass off and walk." Ray said.

I jumped off his back at his words. I knew ray was just tired of carrying me but calling me a fatass and saying I was heavy kind of out me in a upset mood.

So far I hadn't eaten in almost four days and I've lost almost 12 pounds already. I mean just saying I'm heavy makes me sick because I have to be thin for gerard when we finally start getting along.

-------------------

i hid out by the back of the school during my lunch because there was no teacher that wanted to see me, I just didn't want ray to see me not eating again, or trying to refuse eating.
I can tell he's suspicious but I don't want him to worry or tell anyone if he does figure it out.

I made sure that no one I knew would see me where I was because I had started a new habit. Smoking.

Gerard hates smoking and so do ray and my parents. I needed something for me to do that would take my mind off of things instead of the hunger I was feeling and as long as I covered the smell no one would be able see anything that would visually give it away that I was smoking like cutting or burning would.

I smoked three cigarretes before before my phone buzzed.

-where are you? Did you really ditch?
I sighed ignoring Gerard's message and walked back into the school.

I ran into the bathroom peed and then sprayed some cologne on me and spayed this listerine mint stuff in my mouth so you couldn't tell I had been smoking.

I realized it was halfway into my class so I just waited for my next one instead of being yelled at for my lateness.
Last period was social studies for me and ray was missing from his seat.

I texted him multiple times and got no answer. I was starting to worry when he didn't show up at the end of the day.
"Mikey want a ride?"
I looked up and saw gerard by his car and frank. Frank just gave me this look and I knew he wanted to me to say no.

"No I'm fine." I said not just because of frank but because I really wanted to walk and that was exercise without making it obvious.

"You sure?"

I didnt answer, I just turned and started walking

when I did arrive home I still hadn't heard from ray. I walked into the kitchen to see gerard and frank eating some chips and drinking pop.

I put my stuff down ignoring franks look of disgust. "hey uhm did either of you see ray?" I asked.

Gerard stiffened. Not much but I saw it. he stood there awkwardly and that was enough for me to know that he knew something about ray.

"No we haven't seen your boyfriend." Frank said.

"Fuck off." I spat at him before running upstairs.

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"ughh ow fuck." I gasped clutching my stomach.
I felt like my insides were eating themselves and i didn't know how to stop it.

it was around three am and I had been in my room all day. Ray hadn't responded and my mom thought I was sleeping so she left me alone leaving me by myself all day.

"f-fuck" I whispered starting to cry. My stomach felt horrible and wouldn't stop growling at me.

I wanted it to stop but I couldn't eat anything and drinking water didn't seem to be helping it at all.

i began crying and just clutching onto my stomach as I curled into a little ball. I couldn't stand the pains and ran down stairs. I looked in the fridge for the most low calorie thing I could but couldn't find anything under a hundred calories.

I took a piece of string cheese instead that was one hundred and fifty calories and ate it. My stomach didn't feel like death anymore and I quietly walked back upstairs. This time when I laid down I didn't cry because of pain I cried because I knew I had just fucked up by eating.

I had to be able to last longer without food or I'd never loose the weight.
I needed to be thin and I wasn't anywhere near my goal of one hundred pounds.

i took my phone and took a picture of my stomach from the front and then the side. I placed a little caption with them marking them as day one.
I decided everyday I'd take a picture so I could see what worked to help me loose the weight the fastest. Each day I could write what I did and see if any of those things corresponds to my pictures.

I couldnt sleep because I felt guilty for eating. I decided that I wasn't going to school tomorrow and pulled out a cigarette.
'Fuck my life sucks. but don't worry it'll get better once I'm thin.' I told myself.hoping it would be true.

Notes

Eating disorder chapter. Personally I want to people to know how bad being called fat can ruin you. Surprisingly not me but my brother had anorexia. He's still not fully recovered and he's been fighting with it since he was twelve and he's nineteen now. He stopped eating because boys on his basketball team called him fat and made fun of him but boy did he prove them wrong when he stopped eating and dropped close to sixty pounds in a month.
Please be careful about what you say to others because I hated watching my brother go through it and I don't want anyone else to have to watch it happen to someone they love either.

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