Keep Me Safe from Myself

I didn't get home until at least seven, stopping by Lou's and getting a case of beer. Maybe my punishment will be less severe if I get him what he originally wanted. I came through the door and Zack was sitting on the couch. Not saying a word, I placed the pack of beer on the kitchen table and walked upstairs. I sat in my room and fell on my bed, and almost passed out, when my phone started to go crazy.

-F: didnejrjfiie-
-F: honotjrbdjewuuf-
-F: pqnwvebtfivoforoowbwwgejeofo-

I started to laugh and got on my desktop. It was much easier on my computer to use Facebook, and it'd be easier to not fall asleep on him.

-Hey Frankie, my first day was crazy. I met two people and got into a fight with another girl!-

-F:DETAILS. NAOO-

I smiled. I loved our conversations.

-So She got jealous because I was friends with her boyfriend and she pushed me out of my chair and knocked over my soda. She pulled me by my hair and put her mouth up next to my ear.-

-F: How bad was the flashback?-

-Not that bad, I was in control the whole time, that's a first. I knocked her to the ground and said if she ever went near my ear like that again she would lose hers.-

-F: Badass!! Wish I could have seen it.-

I started to type again, but decided it would be best to skype him instead, so I told him to call me.
Once the connection was set up he told me how boring his day was, no fights at the school, and how people missed me.

"You know, you could always come back. My house is always open." He said quietly, making a pouty face.

"You know I can't come back."

"Why not?"

"Frankie, baby. You know why. I had to get out of there. I know you d-"

"Living with him isn't any better then your previous arrangement, Sunshine. And you know it."

"Frank, I don't wanna-"

I was blatantly interrupted and startled by a now very drunk Zack pounding on the door. I quickly shut down our call, despite loud and extremely concerning protests from Frank, and ran to hold the door shut, but to no avail. Zack shoved his way through and picked me up, pinning me against the wall in a desperate, sloppy attempt to ram his tongue down my throat. I squirmed out of his grasp and wiped my mouth, and just watched him.

"Why do you keep what's m-mine from me?" He slurred

"What?" I could barely understand him.

"First my best friend, then my beer, and now you don't want me." He pouted.

"Your best friend stopped hanging out with you because you're an awful drunk!" I screeched. I immediately regretted saying it. His demeanor quickly changed, from whiny and sloppy, to brash and violent.

"You pathetic little slut." I ran towards the door, but he chased me and shoved me hard, throwing me off balance and violently sending me down the stairs. Pain seared against my abdomen. Maybe this time he'll realize what he's done and stop, I think. It's a nice thought. Not very realistic, but nice. I like to think this is what's going to happen. But it doesn't, it never does..

I tried to crawl towards the door but I honestly didn't get very far before Zack came down the stairs after me. He flipped me over and sat on top of me, fumbling to get my pants off. "Never deny me what is mine, understand?!" I started to whimper. He put his face next to my ear and growled "Do. You. Under. Fucking. Stand?" I didn't even notice his pants were off when he ripped off my underwear, and in one fluid motion he was inside me.

"Yes sir." I softly said, just barely above a whisper. I made no other sound, I shed no tear. It'd only make it worse. He grabbed onto my waist for leverage, which tipped me over the edge as the pain dragged me into nothingness.

I slowly fluttered my eyes open. At least it was over. I was hardly breathing. I slowly tried to sit up, with some success, to look at the damage this time around. He didn't use a condom, that I could feel. I looked down and could see the red and purple blotches on my abdomen. I tried to get on my feet, but ended up crawling up the stairs. Zack was out cold next to the refrigerator, no doubt after trying to locate for another beer. I finally just sat up for a few minutes and was able to steady myself with the railing. I walked upstairs and into my bathroom. My face looked almost untouched, as per usual.He may be an abusive drunk but he's smart. I grabbed some ibuprophen and checked if anything was broken. After going over everything twice, I determined nothing was broken, and quietly celebrated my little victory. I took a short shower to clean up my vagina before I hobbled back to my bed to check my phone. I just had one message from Gerard. Gee was just checking up on me, after hearing Zack's phone call at the library, he had every right to be worried. I then saw an earlier message from Frank;

-F: You can't let him keep doing this to you, Sunshine-

I started to break down, sob, then full blown cry into my pillow. I started to tremble. Zack loved me, though. I know he did, I was the one late getting the beer. I should have been quicker, he wouldn't have had to punish me if I'd been quicker.
My thoughts were racing. I looked at the message from Frank again and again. The urges came back, they always do, Franks the only one that keeps me focused on staying clean. He's the one that got me to start using a sharpie instead of a razor. I looked at my arm, it was all smeared and smudged. I reached in my pocket to grab the marker and doodle on it again. I checked one pocket, then both. My sharpie was gone.

I searched and searched, but was quickly cut off by my own breathing. Dear God, not another one. I turned on skype and called Frank, but he didn't answer. Only Frank can stop my panic attacks, especially when I lose my sharpie at a moment like this. I walked to the bathroom and started shaking again. I couldn't break my promise with Frankie. Not again. But I didn't have a choice. It was gone. My only ray of hope was gone, and the angel that gave it to me wouldn't respond. I snatchd my razor and a pair of scissors to cut the plastic. I grabbed a blade and sliced it against my skin. I could feel the little drops of crimson glide against my skin and drop to the floor. I didn't even know I was doing it. I was sobbing too hard to even pay attention.

I finally dropped the piece of metal and looked down at my wrist. I wiped of the blood and looked at the newly surfaced scarlet drops. I started to cry again. My cuts spelled "Gee".

Notes

I know I'm updating fast, I'm just really bored. Sorry if this one seems rushed, I can't sleep.
Xoxo
-Hazel