Dear Lord, If I Get To Heaven

Today is Saturday, and luckily, tonight is my night off. I get to be the normal Human being Gerard Way today. That doesn't happen often at all. Its Now my normal Wake up time, 3pm. I walk into the living room, Seeing Mikey sitting with his friend Ray, I think that's his name anyway, and playing with a Xbox 360. They are playing some sort of shooting game, grunting in aggravation when dying. I just pass By without them noticing. I head towards the cabinet, getting some sort of off brand of lucky Charms and pouring it into a red bowl. I grab some milk and sit at the table, munching on the cereal and thinking.I set my head on my hand, brushing my hand through my shining red hair as I think.

I haven't Painted in a while, maybe I can do some art. That would be nice. Some Down time is always nice. I hear some sort of robotic voice from the tv announcing that player 2 won. Mikey Yells that he's the master, then I soon hear footsteps approaching the kitchen.

"Gee, Can we go to church tomorrow? Ray goes to this cool church where they aren't all judgey and everything. They are pretty down to earth." I could tell what he was getting at and it wasn't about me. mikey, much like myself, is gay. I know he has a slight crush on ray, but he doesn't know if he is gay.

"what's with the sudden interest with church?" I ask. We haven't been to church in years. This is random.

"I just think we need something to have faith in, ya' know?" he says, pulling down a bag of chips and eating them. I will never understand how he isn't fat. Oh yeah, metabolisms and shit.

"I guess we can go Mikey." I Say, taking another heaping bite. He Smiles over at me with happpiness, the smile I love to see. I do everything I can to see that smile. Ray runs into the kitchen and hands the controller to Mikey.

"I for one want a rematch" He says, then he notices me. "Oh hey, Gee. Hows it going" He smiles, his hair slightly bounces from him running in. He is actually the same age as me And when I was in school we were pretty close, but I dropped out so he was left with Mikey. It's okay though, we sometimes hang out if I have the time.

"I've been fine." I lie, Plastering a fake smile onto my face. I've suddenly lost my appetite.

"Thats good. I know Mrs. Owens Really misses You. You were her prized student Gee. She had already had colleges that were knocking on the door for you." he says sadly, sitting infront of me. He Always has to say something. I look away from him, not wanting to hear it. " It's not too late to jump back in, Gee. You did drop out at the end of sophmore year." He says, trying to reason with me. At some time Mikey slipped out, knowing where this is going. Smart Boy. I'm sure he's about to blare anthrax in his room.

"You don't get it Ray, I can't. I have to support Mikey. I want him to have a good life."

"But you shouldn't have to give up you're life to make his good." He doesn't know how much of my life I am giving up. "You Could go into Foste-"

"No. I refuse. They will split us up. I am not giving up my baby brother just to fix my life. I'm Only doing what is best for my little brother." I say, getting angered. He doesn't Know anything about me.

"What If this is what's best for him and you." I stand up, slamming my fist onto the table and glaring at him. He's slowly pushed it further and further, and today i believe he's pushed it too far.

"You don't know anything about whats best for my little brother. You don't even know what I do for a Living" I yell through clenched teeth, my face turning red with anger. He stood up, glaring back at me.

"You think I don't Know, Party Poison?I do my research.I have watched you leave for work at night, then come home with bruises and, and Hickeys!! You're under aged and you're selling you're body Gee. You don't Deserve this life. You're One of the best people I know and you have amazing talents, Yet you still do this to yourself!" He tries to reason with me, but I'm still frozen in shock by those two words. The words I never wanted to hear in this household. The words that kills me everyday. I shove Ray out of my face and point a skinny finger at him.

"Don't you Ever say that name to me again. You don't Know who the hell you're saying. You don't know what I go through every. Day. Fuck You." I storm out of the Kitchen, marching to my room in pure anger. I can feel the anger turn to depression. Depression of who I am, depression of what I do. I slam my room door and slide down it on my back. a few tears spring from my eyes once im in my privacy. They slip down my face in a painful way, killing me in many ways. I think its time to make myself happy. I rush over to my bedside table, yanking open the drawers and seeing the pills and the booze. I yank open the Xanax bottle and pop in two, swallowing them dry. I lay around waiting for the effect to zoom in and burn out my brain.

And when it finally happens, I giggle in pleasure. It feels fucking nice. I open one of the tall bottles of Liquor and drink in large gulps, thoroughly making me drunk. And thats how I stay, drunk in my room until I don't remember anymore.

:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:

"Gee, Wake Up. Church." the banging on the door brought me up from my deep slumber. And brought an extreme headache to my head. I groan and flip, just wanting to lay here.

It all to soon is sunday morning, and I had said I would bring Mikey to church. So I guess I will get up. I drag myself out of bead, pulling on some black jeans and an old tshirt. I put on some sunglasses and pushed into the living room, seeing the two of them obviously waiting for me. I groan in annoyance, but say nothing as we walk down to the parking lot, hopping in the car. Mikey tells me the directions, but then stays silent otherwise.

"Gerard, You look like shit on ice" Mikey complains from beside me.
"Watch your language" I croak out, trying to sound normal. He sighs in annoyance.
"Just try not to act like a complete dick at church. I know how you are with a hangover." I nod, agreeing not to be a dick. I know I am too. I park when I get the chance at this abnormally large church. Ray explains how the church is set up to Mikey and I. We go to this teenage group thing. Okay then.

We hop out and head wherever Ray says, signing up at the desky thingy in front of the teenagers place. Loud music pumps throughout the large room where a bunch of teens are hanging out and playing games and stuff. There were rows of chairs in front of a medium sized stage and large screens counting down What a strange church. We just sat in one of the front rows, just hanging out and waiting for te service. The loud music wasn't helping the hangover and it sucks I didn't get a chance to get some Ibuprofen before leaving. God this sucks.
Soon a band came on and everyone got in their seats. They were singing christian music, but is was actually...good. It wasn't overwhelming nor was it overly pushing christianity. It just voiced out its beliefs, how music really should.

The band was all too soon finished and we all sat down to listen to the preachy guy. He stepped on stage and I believe my jaw dropped without me even noticing. This man was short, had an interesting choice in hair styles, and tattoos swirling up and over the collar of his shirt. I don't usually crush on people, but man am I crushing on him. His hair was shaved on one side and put into a fauhawk. His eyes were this hazel color, which is ordinarily a popular color of eyes, but his had this difference to them. They had this golden shimmer to them.

"Hey what's Up Guys!" he says, sounding excited.

"Hey Frank!" everyone yells. He laughs and pulls up a stool and a stand thing.

"I hope It was a great week guys" he says sitting down and taking a sip of a water next to him. " wasn't the band great today? I love that song at the end. . ." And there he continued to talk about religious stuff like verses and bible stories. Ironically, it was about sexuality and being sexually active.

"I, in my personal opinion, think that Homophobia is gay" everyone laughs at the slightly corny joke "But seriously, I think that as long as you trust in god, sexuality doesn't matter. Even if it was a sin, Jesus died for those."

"And seeing as you're all teenagers, we have to have this awkward conversation of sex" groans of irritation fill the rooms. "But, lets save that talk for group talk. See you guys later" He hops off stage and runs over to Ray? Wonder why.

" Sup Ray! How have you been man?"Frank asks,hugging Ray in a bro like manner. Frank looks over, noticing Me and Mikey. he stares at me as he asks "Who are these two?"

"This is Mikey And Gerard."Ray says,pointing us out when saying our names. Frank sticks his hand out for me to shake, which I take.

"I'm Frank. I'm The one who works with the teens." He looks up. noticing the time from the wall. "Oh, we need to get to group session." frank runs towards a door At the side of the room that I hadn't noticed before. He Still has a grip on my hand, pulling me in that direction.

Once we arrive he finally frees my hand from his grasp and looks at the circle of various guys in front of me." 'Sup guys, This is Gerard and that's Mikey They're gonna Hang out with us today. Guys, Just sit in the circle somewhere, we won't bite" I plop down next to Mikey, Sticking next to him. I've never really been out going. Mikey, on the other hand, has already started talking to some dude named Pete. I don't know how he makes friends so easily. After a few minutes, Frank calms everyone down.

" Alright guys, now comes the dreaded talk. Sex." He says." So I know I'm supposed to feed you some bullshit about not doing it until you're married, but come on, you're teenagers. I mean I'm sure most of you aren't virgins. Like, Not to put you on the spot here, but Gerard, are you a Virgin?" Oh god. What a sucky question. I just shake my head, wanting to say I wish I was. But I won't, Explanations would be in order. Mikey looks over at me with a worried expression, scared of how I am. I wish he didn't worry so much. I'm not bothered by much anymore.

"All I ask is that you just be safe. Don't Go getting Stds or Getting girls pregnant."Well, I've got one down! I snort at my own joke softly, not letting anyone notice.

We just kinda chat for the rest of this group time. I got to know frank a little better. All of his likings are almost Identical to mine,Black Flag, Misfits. He even listens to Morissey. This is the coolest preacher guy I've ever met in my life. He plays guitar too.

I suddenly have been reacquainted with my faith.

Notes