If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you can find out first hand what it's like to be me

Gerard’s POV

*three months later*

LIFE UPDATE

The art project thing that we started ages ago, we finished and it looked alright.

Frank and Erin are going out.

They’ve been together for a month now.

Frank and Erin keep on kissing in front of me.

Frank and Erin don’t realize how much its hurting.

Frank and Erin don’t realize how much I’m hurting.

We’re still friends, but I decide to stay away, in case I mess up their relationship.

I managed to get suicidal and voices in my head and decided to turn mute so I don’t say anything to fuck things up.

My parents have been out of town a lot on ‘business trips’.

My grandma Elena died.

Yeah, that’s basically it. Oh, and Bob and co. haven’t stopped torturing me in the slightest.
I’ve stayed in my room a lot, just lying on my bed with my music on loud staring at my ceiling, fighting the urge to cut. Or die. But what do I have to live for? I’ve always wanted to die. Somehow, death fascinates me. In a way.

I’ve started losing inspiration for drawing so I turned to song writing, so far so good. I’ve written a couple songs, like the one I named Helena, I dedicated it to grandma, I didn’t use her name though, too emotional, so I changed it, but yeah, it’s about her. Another one I wrote, it’s called I’m Not Okay (I promise) and it’s just generally about how I am no o-fucking-kay. They’re actually quite good, if I do say so myself.

Buzz buzz

Who’d want to talk to me? I went to see who texted me, seeing it was Frank. Great, maybe he’s invited me to see his and Erin’s make out session. I decided to anyway, he is my best friend after all. I think.

From: Frnki :*
Hey, can you come to the park real quick? Me and Erin need to talk to you, we’re kinda worried :(
xoFrnk

I quickly changed and fixed my hair and eyeliner. I don’t want him to see I’ve been crying. I can tell he hates seeing me cry, he’s seen me cry en-

HOLD ON.

I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING.

WHY IS FRANK GOING OUT WITH A G I R L IF HE TOLD ME HE’S GAY? WELL HE COULD BE BI, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THAT BUT STILL.

I let out a grunt in frustration and headed out the door, heading to the park with my music on loud still. On the way, I could make out some muffled noises over the music, but I chose to ignore it, and sped up, turning into the next street that the park was located on. I could just make out Erin and Frank on the grass, Erin in Frank’s lap, looking up at him and probably talking to him.

As I got closer to them, I turned my music off and took out my ear buds. I fake-smiled at them, but said nothing, and sat down in front of them.

“Hey Gerard, me and Frankie just needed to ask you a couple things.”

You could’ve just texted me…

“Gerard, talk to us, please, you’re scaring us,” Frank said, his voice dripping with concern. I felt sorry for them, having me to deal with. I quickly sent him a text to explain, I didn’t feel like talking. Like at all.

From: Geebear
I’m fine.

I watched as he read it, and he frowned.

“You don’t seem fine to us, honey. You never speak, you don’t eat, you’re hardly at school, please, what’s happening? You can trust us,” Erin said. She’s so lovely, but nothing she could say can make me speak. I can’t trust them. Although they’ve done nothing wrong, I’ve just lost trust in everyone. I can see why I don’t have friends. I just ended up texting them everything instead of physically saying it. I really don’t want to cry in front of them.

From: Gerard
I’m fine.

She sighed as she read it, and pulled me into a hug. I hesitated before hugging back. She feels like a sister to me, but still, she’s just my friend who’s going out with the guy I fell in love with the first day I met him. I ended up breaking down and crying into her shoulder, probably smearing my eyeliner on her pale top. At least this eye liners washable…

“There we go, just let it all out,” she whispered in my ear, soothing me a little and tracing shapes on my back with her soft fingers. I managed to choke out a ‘sorry’, which surprised everyone, seeing as I’ve hardly spoken in a month, if not at all.

I chuckled slightly as Frank started cheering and yelling things like ‘he spoke!’ and ‘his voice hasn’t died!’ honestly, this guy is hilarious… His smile was gorgeous, but he loves Erin…

Shut up, Gerard, he’ll never love you. He was just being friendly, he loves Erin! Anyway, who would love you? You’re
Stupid
Fat
Ugly
Worthless
A fag.

The voices in my head were really getting to me, but I tried to just ignore them, but I ended up crying again.

“Honey! Please don’t, what’s the matter?” Erin asked.

Everything’s wrong.

“Nothing, it-it’s nothing,” I lied.

“I-Is it Elena?” Frank asked quietly. Bit of a touchy subject there, love. I started crying harder now. I was so close to my grandma, we were like best friends, inseparable. Then she got ill, like, really ill, and even my mum knew she wouldn’t make it… She was in hospital for weeks, then when we got the call that she passed away I just shut myself out from the world and just spent my sleepless nights crying my eyes out, just wishing she’d be there for me. My parents eventually realised that there was nothing they could do, so they ended up leaving me alone 99% of the time. Just thinking about all this made me cry even harder, if that was even possible. By now we were getting strange looks by passers-by, but a couple people came over to ask if we were okay.

“I’m sorry, Gee,” Frank said apologetically, coming over to hug me. Just his gentle but firm touch took all of my strength not to continue crying. I wanted to get better, for him, and for Erin. Those two are my best friends and I hate seeing the upset over me, it makes me feel really guilty.

That’s because it’s all your fault, bitch, just grow up and leave them alone, they don’t need you anymore.

“Why weren’t you in school all of the past two weeks?” Oh right, that.

“I-I had a fever, I think I feel better now, though,” I lied, sniffing a little at the memory. I don’t want to tell them what really happened…

*flashback*

Saturday morning, no school, finally! I don’t have to deal with anyone or anything as my parents are going to be out of town for the next three weeks. Three weeks to myself! But I have school… oh fun. I don’t have to worry about food, I’m too fat to eat. I looked down at my horrid figure and winced at how awful I looked. You could just about see my ribs and my hipbones, but my stomach was all bloated and covered in cuts and bruises. Some from myself, and some from school.

Erin and Frank were in a happy relationship, without me. They don’t need me anymore, in fact they never did. They wouldn’t care if I died, no-one will notice, my parents don’t even care about me anymore. I don’t mind, I don’t care about myself either, so why should anyone else? I thought to myself that I was going to end it today. If not this weekend, at the latest. I had a few ideas in my head, but I didn’t have the right stuff, and everything would be too public. I didn’t want to risk going to the store to buy any blades, a decent rope or any pills I could overdose on. I couldn’t do that, that involves socialising, and plus, I never know who I may bump into. I then decided to jump off something, a bridge, a building, I don’t care, and I just want it to end quickly.

Thankfully, there was a decent bridge in the woods over a river, with plenty of sharp rocks I could land on. No-one ever went that far into the forest, so no-ne should find me… they probably won’t even notice that I’m gone. Just in case anyone did find me, though, which I doubt, I thought on writing a little note.

Dear no-one,
So you found me. Or this note, at least. I don’t know where I’ve gone, or where I am right now, and I probably never will. I’m sorry to end it this way, I needed to pain, the emotional and physical pain, to stop.
So Erin, Frank, Bob, Mikey, Ray etc., I guess this is goodbye, and that I hope you’ll be happy now I’m gone.
Oh and Frank? Please marry Erin, you deserve her, but just know one thing. I love you, and I have done the first day we met, three months ago. I’ll miss looking into your perfect eyes, hearing your perfect laugh, and seeing your perfect smile. I guess I was just never good enough to be your friend. Have fun :)
Bob, Ray and Mikey, I did it.
xoGee

By the time I finished writing my last words, I was crying so hard. My tears dripped onto the paper, smearing the writing. I grabbed my coat and my dark green scarf, put the note in my pocket, dried my eyes, and headed out the house towards the woods. On the way, I could see an elderly couple holding hands, walking down the street. I winced at how happy they were, and how in love they looked. I quickened my pace, wanting this to get over with. Turned out those elders were also heading into the woods. Oh well, they probably won’t be heading to the bridge anyway. I took off in a run, tears starting to pour out my eyes, limiting my sight.

Five minutes later I was there. At the bridge. The place where I was going to finally end my tortuous existence. It then hit me that the last people to have probably seen me alive was going to be those happy, in love elderly couple. I brushed off the thought. Bad idea. The voices were now giving their hatred opinion.

Oh, finally! You’re actually going to do it? Oh, congratulations, Gerard Arthur Way Lee! You're giving up!

I let out a sob as I was taking the note out my pocket. I was going to leave it on the side of the bridge. I then made my way to the edge, and looked at the place where I’d land below me. The water was really quick today, and the rocks looked sharp enough to kill me almost instantly. I looked around to make sure I was alone, but I wasn’t. I could see two people behind me. It was the elderly couple.

Better get this over with so they don’t see you…

For the first time, I actually listened to the voice. I took a deep breath, and jumped. Although I wasn’t very high, the falling felt like forever.

Falling is just like flying, only with a more permanent destination.

Then I felt myself hit the water, heard the splash, and then everything went black.

Notes

SORRY THIS IS LONG, IT COULD'VE BEEN LONGER TO BE HONEST (SO THATS PROBABLY WHY I PUT IT INTO TWO PARTS :3)

heh heh heh

SO YEAH PLEASE COMMENT VOTE AND SUB EACH COMMENT I WILL APPRECIATE AND REPLY TO :D ILY<3

i dont know why i wrote all that in caps

OH WELL

-Axx