Suicide note

I know what you're thinking. Putting a suicide note on a fanfic site is just me looking for attention. Maybe, I've always been the person people turn to when no one else is there. I've never been first pick, for anyone. I thought I had my first set of friends this year but even they go and do things without me.

At school, I'm alone. I'm so quiet because whenever I open my mouth someone gets annoyed at my existence and it doesn't help I do drama. People use and abuse me for their own gain and I start to think I have a friend but, I then find myself feeling stupid because they're doing it again. I listen to music all the time to blank out the names that they call me. From which I have developed social anxiety, constantly thinking that someone is making fun of me, talking behind my back. I have to plan EVERYTHING out months before it happens or as soon as I know about it so I don't fuck up and feel embarrassed. But I still manage to fuck everything up.

The school always adds on pressure to me, YOU HAVE TO GET THIS GRADE. I can't get it! I can't do anything and you're telling me how much knowledge I have? FUCK OFF.

***flashback***I sit in English with a boy next to me who I quite get on well with. I'm trying to concentrate on my essay because I have to get the grade. This boy who sits a few seats back keeps talking and not shutting up. I tell him to shut up when the words skanky bitch fly back at me. I never knew these words would ring back in my ears for days to come making me even more depressed and suicidal than I already was.

Another one is in science with the same boy I sit next to in English. I'm in top set for science but in 2nd to bottom set in Maths. A math question pops up and I sit there nervous because I don't know how to do it. Jokingly I say, I'm in D set maths. The boy is in top set maths. They start joking about how I'm in D set maths and the highest I can get is a C. Another boy who sits the opposite me starts coming in on the joke. By this time it has gone too far and the whole table is in on the joke laughing. All except me. I sit there with my feeling not only being hurt but they're being torn into small pieces. These broken feelings fall down my cheeks in the form of water. I stand up and went over to the teacher, I absolutely broke down. I felt so embarrassed, upset and most of all, stupid.

This has repeated so many times in my head, it goes over and over again. That night I lay in my bed and break down in tears. I think over and over again about how I could kill myself, just end it all. It would be the only way right?

Instead of killing myself I have decided that I will make something of myself. Put something to my name. Instead of listening to music, I want to make it. I want to make the music that does the same for others as it did for me. And with that wish, I pick my guitar back up and play until my heart in content. I sing along to the words that save my life.

Don't kill yourself. If people hate you, give them something to hate. Be on the cover of the magazines they buy and the CD's they pick up. Do something with your life and with that, I love you.

Notes