Frankie's Suicide (Frerard)

I lay with my head on Gerards chest and he has his arms wrapped around me. I've been listening to his heart beat for the last 15-20 minutes and I dont want this moment to end.
Gerard starts gently stroking my arms where the bandages are and asks "Do you still think about doing it?"
"Doing what?"
"Killing yourself?"
How am I supposed to respond to that? It's constantly on my mind but I can't tell him that, he'll worry about me. But I don't want to lie to him either. I guess I don't have to specify.
"Yes" I admit quietly
Gerard holds me tighter and kisses the top of my head.
This feels... strange. Not in a bad way. I guess this is all just a whole new experience. Not only did I just have sex with a man for the first time, it also feels like this is the most someone has cared about me in a very long time. Maybe ever.
Maybe he doesn't actually care about me. Maybe I'm overthinking this and all I am is just a quick root to him.
Wait, why do I care? Do I want a relationship with him? What would my parents think? Dad would murder me.
I hate when my thoughts race like this. I need my meds. Oh shit,
"What time is it?" I ask Gerard as I quickly sit up and look around the room for a clock.
"About 8:30, why?" he says, proping himself on his elbow
"Meds" is all I need to say to earn a cuss from Gee. We both scramble to get up and find our clothes which had been flung all over the room.
As soon as I'm dressed, I make my way to the door
"Wait" Gerard said urgently when I had put my hand on the door handle.
I turn to face him and he strides over to me, takes my face in his hands and kisses me wistfully before breaking the kiss all too soon.
I can't stop the massive grin that creeps on my face.
"You're so cute" he cooed "We gotta go though"
He opened the door and let me out first. I felt awkward walking down the hall but Gee looked pretty content to say the least.
"You boys are late, I was just about to come looking for you two" Amy reported once we had reached the nurses station
Amy locked the nurses station and got our meds from the very creatively named; 'medication room'.
"One for Frank" she said handing me a mini paper cup with my meds in it "And one for Gerard" she continued once she had made sure I swallowed mine.
"Brilliant, I'll see you guys tomorrow" she said cheerfully, giving us our queue to leave.
Gee and I started walking back down the hall but we didn't get far when Amy called after me, telling me Dr. Collins is letting me move to a different room. She gave me a room further from the nurses station, and a lot closer to Gee's room. A room that didnt have a window on the door, now that's fancy.
"I'll help you move your stuff" Gerard offered
"Now?" I wondered
"Yeah, you dont have that much stuff do you?"
"No, I guess not"
"Alright, lets do this" Gee said, energetically.
I realise how exhausted I am when we get to my room and flop onto my bed. I want to make my brain to stop thinking. I feel like theres so much I need to do and to figure out and my brain just will never stop. What I wouldn’t give to just be able to relax and switch my brain off.
“What’s the matter, Frankie?” Gerard asks while coming to side beside me on the bed.
“I’m just tired” I sigh, staring at wall. Gerard takes my hand in his and stays silent for a while.
“I worry about you, you know?” he says gently
I sit up and meet his gaze. He looks so concerned for me. I hate that he worries about me. I only want to make him feel happy. Suicide is still constantly on my mind but I cant tell him that. He’ll only worry more. God, I’m hopeless. I don’t know how much longer I can stand to be in this world. Gee does make it more bearable though.
“I think I just want to go to bed, Gee”
His body slightly tensed and he looked away.
“Fine. I’ll see you tomorrow” He gave me a quick kiss and left.
Fuck. I think he’s mad at me. This isn’t what I wanted. I just wanted to die. I was done dealing with everything. And now this. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want to make friends. I didn’t want to fall in love. Wait, no, I’m not in love. How could I be? Youre supposed to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Plus, I cant love a guy. My mum would disown me and dad would kill me. Well, I guess it wouldn’t matter once I die. But what if I don’t do it? How would Gerard react if I did? He seems like he actually does care. When Im with him, I forget about wanting to die. I don’t seem to stress and worry as much. Maybe I could do it if I was with him. Maybe I could get better.

Notes

iight so I havent updated in 5 months, aaaand ive changed a lot of the details in the other chapters. Sorry for not updating.
Let me know what you think

March on MCRmy <4