Frankie's Suicide (Frerard)

I feel so heavy. I try to open my eyes but they feel like they’re made of lead. So tired. What is that beeping noise?
“Frank, honey, can you hear me?” I try to open my eyes again. Nothing.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry Frank, please wake up,” my mum sobs. I try to open my mouth to tell her everything’s okay but I can’t move it at all. I try lifting my arm up but it doesn’t budge. I can barely feel my body, it feels like there’s 100 tonnes on top of me. What is she sorry about anyway and why can’t I move? I guess it can wait till morning, I’m just so exhausted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brightness. I can’t see anything but white. My eyes decided to open on their own and all I see is this bright piercing light. I try to shield my eyes but my arm is pulled back down painfully. Once my eyes adjust, I take in my surroundings and realise I’m in a hospital room. My body is tucked under a thin sheet and my bandaged arms have a bunch of IV’s going in and out of them. No. Oh my god. No, no, no, this can’t be happening. I start to panic and the beeping quickens. FUCK. Why me?!
“NOOO,” I scream and can’t help but start sobbing. I was free! I was done with this shitty life! Oh god, why? Why can’t I do anything right? I need to get out of here. I need to finish this. I grab the IV in my left arm and rip it out. Just as I’m taking off the wires from my chest, a small, old, red-headed nurse bursts into the room,
“Oh, you’re awake! What are you doing?” she said when she spotted me taking off my wires “Mr.Iero you can’t take those off just yet” She says as she approaches me and starts sticking them back on.
“I need to get confirmation from the doctor before I can take them off”
“What happened?” I whimper
“Well, Mr.Iero, first of all, I’m Gerri and I’ll be your nurse this evening.” I hadn’t noticed before but she has a bit of an Irish accent, “Your mother called an ambulance last night after you attempted to cut your wrists in the bath tub. Now tell me son, do you remember doing that?” she asked softly
I nodded as the tears kept flowing.
“Alright good. Your mothers in the bathroom at the moment but when she gets back I'll need to do some physical tests on you just to make sure everythings still working, okay?”
I nod, staring at the door,
“After you feel a bit better, we’re going to get you to take a psych evaluation and have a bit of a chat to our psychiatrist at the hospital. Do you understand Mr.Iero?”
Why does she keep calling me Mr.Iero? I don’t want to do any tests. I don’t want to talk to some know-it-all that’ll pretend to understand how I’m feeling and dope me up on meds. I don’t want to do this, I don’t what to do anything, I don’t want to be here, I wish I had gone deeper. I wish my mum just left me there.
“Mr.Iero?” Gerri said, interrupting my thoughts
“Its Frank,” I blurted out,
“Do you understand what I just said Frank?”
“Yes,” I responded, still staring off into space, even though I cant remember what she had said.
“Alrighty then, I’m not going to put your IV back in because you don’t need it anyway now that you’re awake, but I’ll just check with the doctor if I can get rid of everything else. Back in a tick,” she explained, leaving me to my thoughts.
I scanned the room for anything, anything at all I could use to finish what I had started. A needle or a scalpel would be perfect. A bit of oxygen into the bloodstream, a little nick on the right artery and it’ll be over. There’s nothing here. Nothing but a couple of plastic chairs and machinery. Just as I start go get up to check the cupboard when my mum and Gerri walk in.
“Oh Frank, thank God, I didnt know if you’d wake up” my mum cooed tearily while coming over to hold my hand, “How could you do that to me Frank, what would I do without you?” Okay, now I feel really bad. It didn’t even cross my mind how it would affect her. She would have gotten over it though, I guess.
“I’m just going to take this drip out of your arm now, Frank,” Gerri said, gently pulling the drip from my arm. It wasn’t painful, it just make me really squeamish the way the tube came out from under my skin. Bleh. She then proceeded to unattatch the wires from my chest and turn off the machine.
“Im going to need to check your arm Frank, it looks like you’ve pulled a stitch” Gerri stated, eyeing my arm. I didn’t notice before, but the bandage had started to ooze blood. The sight of the blood made me focus on how much my arm actually hurt.
“Oh shit!”
“No need to panic Frank, this happens all the time” Gerri said soothingly
“No, it hurts!” I told her through gritted teeth
“Yeah, it’ll do that” Was she mocking me? What a bitch. She unwrapped my bandage to reveal my now stitched up cut, running from my wrist to the inside of my elbow. It was all bloody and a stitch had been undone.
“Ill get the doctor in to fix you up again before I start the physical tests, alright?”
It took an hour for the doctor to came in an stitch me up. He gave me a local anaesthetic which helped a lot and Gerri wasted no time getting on with the tasks. Basic stuff like moving my toes, fingers, sitting and standing up, walking, checking me reflexes, that kind of stuff.
“Looks like your all good” She stated, pleased with how I did
“When can I go home?” I asked
“You'll have to ask the psych I’m afraid, he won’t be long, maybe an hour or two and you can ask him about all that” She said cheerfully, “Any more questions?”
I shook my head. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. Especially a psych.
After two and a half hours of awkward questioning by my mum, Gerri came back to tell me the psychiatrist was ready for me. She lead me down several corridors to a room with two couches and two upholstered chairs.
A bald man was sitting in one of the chairs, scribbling on a clipboard when I came in. He stood up to shake my hand and introduced himself as Dr. Greenwood, but I could call him George. He had a grey goatee and wore a black sweater with denim jeans.
He was nice enough, he asked me to explain what I did and why I did it, always taking notes. He asked me about my childhood, about school, my home life and everything inbetween. I don’t know why, but I just told him everything. He seemed so kind and trustworthy. I didn’t plan on telling him but he made me feel safe to tell him, and… it felt good to finally tell someone. To be able to get everything off my chest.
“Alright Frank,” he said once Id told him everything, “Im going to transfer you to St. Thomas’ Adult Psychiatric Hospital, where they’ll do a few more assessments on you, probably prescribe you some medication and give you the help you need” he stated empathetically.
“What?! No! Why can’t I go home?” I said, starting to freak out
“Take deeps breaths Frank, you must go because you are a risk to yourself and I am required by law to take appropriate action when I know a patient is unsafe” He said calmly
“No, you cant make me!”
“Well actually Frank, we can. Your mother has given us permission to do what we think is best for you, now you can do this the easy way and go peacefully, or you can fight this but you wont win and you’ll be put in a locked ward if you do, whats it going to be?”

Notes

Oooooh whats frank gonna do?? The frerard will be coming soon ;)
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March on MCRmy <4