Just Sleep...

"Gerard! Open the door!" I cried as I pounded my fists as hard as I could against the locked door. "Please, Gerard, let me in!"

I feared the worst as I heard a deafening silence approach my ears. He called me earlier, crying down the phone as he told me his plans. I tried to talk him out of it but he was being his usual stubborn self. As soon as he hung up, I hurtled down the road towards his house praying that I wasn't too late.

I began to beat the door down, crashing my shoulder against it as hard as I could, silently praying to myself that he would be okay. The door finally fell open and the horrendous sight i saw shattered my heart. Gerard Way, lying in the bathtub, crimson blood oozing out of his wrists, an empty bottle of pills lying next to him. Beside the bath was a crumpled up piece of paper. I rushed towards him and gathered him in my arms, listening, feeling, hoping for any sign of life but the only thing I felt was my best friend's stone cold hand in mine.

It was hours before I let go of his hand, part of me hoping with all my heart that he would suddenly reach out and grab it back. It was hours before my loud and violent sobbing became nothing more than silent tears. It was hours before I called for an ambulance because I knew there was nothing they could do to help him.

When the paramedics arrived, they tried to pry Gerard out of my iron grip but I couldn't let them take him away, I wouldn't. I had to be held back by several men so they could take him away in their metal cage. I watched them speed into the distance as I collapsed against the door.

At around midnight I finally decided that it was time for me to retreat back to my flat. As I trudged back home, my feet felt like bricks, every step harder and heavier to make. It was my fault he was dead! I could have stopped him but I foolishly let him hang up. I knew he had been feeling down but not this bad, never this bad. I honestly thought he was getting better...

I slipped my hands into my pockets and felt the crumpled piece of paper I found near Gerard. I unrolled it to find Gerard's beautifully messy handwriting scribbled across the page.

Dear Frank, if it is Frank who finds this,

Please know that none of this was because of you. If anything, without you I would have done this months ago. You have been my rock for the last few weeks, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend and for that i thank you immensely. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment. I'm sorry that I'm weird. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. But most of all I'm sorry for being me. Stupid, ugly, worthless me! I'm sick of crying myself to sleep at night and faking a smile and I'm sick of making things worse. The world is better off without me.

Tell Mikey I love him, and Ray. And I love you too, you're my best friend and I don't know what i would have done without you. Hopefully I'll join grandma Elena up in heaven but they say suicide is the one crime God doesn't forgive.
Whenever someone asked me if I was okay I would say I was because isn't that what you're supposed to say? But believe me guys, I'm not okay, I promise.


I'm sorry,
Gerard.


I hadn't realised I was crying until i saw a tear drop onto the sheet. He thought he wasn't perfect. He hated himself! Why would he think that. The world needed him. He was a beacon of hope for so many but now he will just fade back into the shadows...

*three days later, after the funeral*

I stood motionless as I watched the curtains close over the coffin. Then a wave of realisation washed over me: I would never see Gerard again. I could feel my world tumbling into the black abyss.

I turned to see Mikey standing there, his poker face finally broken down by a waterfall of tears.
"Its going to be okay Mikes, I promise," I whispered to him although I felt like I was trying to reassure myself more. Oh how I wanted this to be a cruel nightmare, that I would suddenly wake up on the tour bus with a jolt only to see Gerard on the bunk next to me. I kept pinching myself to try and wake up but to no avail. This was my worst nightmare come true.

He had stayed strong for so long but he couldn't hold on any longer. At least now he would no longer feel any self hatred or pain. But I still hated him for leaving me alone. I hated him for hating himself. But deep down I knew I could never hate him. After all, the only person, it seems, that could ever hate Gerard Way was himself and that broke my heart even more.

Notes

this is also up on wattpad but i thought it should go here instead. i hoped you enjoyed it...maybe