The Only Hope For Me Is You
Miss You More Than I Did Yesterday.
I stand there, watching nurses rush over to Gerard, frantically trying to resuscitate him. I'm being pushed about as nurses run in and out of the room because I'm standing in the doorway, staring at the scene before me in utter disbelief and shock. Everything goes quiet and the only sound I can hear is the steady beating of my heart. I see the nurses mouths moving. One short nurse seems to be shouting at another, pointing from her to Gerard aggressively but I hear nothing.
A heavy hand on my shoulder forces me to look away from Gerard as the body connected to the hand comes between me and him. Bob now comes into view, with his mouth moving as he places his other hand on my shoulder. I look past Bob at the heartbreaking scene. Mikey, screaming with tear stained cheeks, lunging toward Gerard but to no avail against Ray's firm arms wrapped around his waist and a nurse shoving them both out of the door. But I still don't hear anything. I only feel the beating of my own heart in my eardrums. As the nurse and Ray finally gets Mikey out of the room my head is violently snapped to the right. It takes me a moment to realize I've just been slapped, but when I do notice I bring my left hand up to caress my left cheek as I return my head to its original position. My hearing is immediately restored as I become completely enraged, heat rising from my stomach to my ears and causing them to burn as my hearing returns. My eyes burn holes in Bob's as he shouts in my face.
"Frank! What the fuck! Listen to me, I asked what happened to-"
I cut him off with a hard right-handed punch to his jaw. He stumbles and backs away from me as he cradles his face in utter shock at what I just did. I had to admit, I was pretty shocked too. I'm used to Bob slapping me around, but I've never once retaliated against him. Until now.
Bob's face of shock twists into a terrifyingly enraged expression as he lungs at me moments later. As if through instinct from my high school years, I immediately duck sending Bob's fist into the wall I had just backed into. As he doubled over, holding his hand close to his stomach howling in pain, I bring my knee up to his stomach three times, stepping back I watch him crumble to the floor. After a few shallow breaths, I launch myself at Bob again.
"I'm so fed up with your shit Bryar." I growl between punches I'm throwing blindly. It takes me a moment to realize he's not hitting me back. In fact he's curled up in a fetal position, covering his head from my blows.
Frank STOP! He's your friend! My conscience screams, but I can't stop.
I raise my foot to stomp on his ribs, when I completely lifted off my feet.
"What the fuck!" I shout when I'm thrown out of the room, and onto the floor of the hospital hallway.
I quickly scramble to my feet, clenching and unclenching my hands by my sides.
"What the fuck Ray?" I hiss through gritted teeth after processing the fact that he was the one to through me out.
Ray holds his hands out in front of him,
"Hey! You were beating the crap out of Bob! What's your deal lately Frank! These past two days you haven't been yourself! Just fucking relax, because that," he shouts gesturing in Bob's general direction. "Was un-fucking-necessary and you know it!"
"You know what!" I shout approaching Ray at an alarming speed, violently shoving him causing him to loose his balance and fall on impact. "Fuck you Ray! Fuck. You." I growl, standing directly above him and shoving him again as he tries to get back up. "You know damn well what's been going on! Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare act like you don't know what's going on you piece of shit!"
Ray scoots away from me slowly with a hand held of in front of him, trying to keep me at bay.
"Frank, please stop. This is crazy, I'm not going to fight you. I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry, let's just-"
"No! Fuck that! Fuck your sorry!" I scream towering above him as he backs himself into a wall.
"Frank-"
"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" I yell, my body bending and my eyes squeezing shut as I use every part of my being to yell as loud as humanly possible. I bring my hand back and slap Ray, hard across the face.
I should have cringed at the sound his face made as it whipped around and hit the wall he was backed up against. I should have felt horrible when I saw the blood gather at the corner of his mouth.
But I didn't.
This isn't right and you know it Frank. My conscience tells me, but for some reason I just couldn't get myself to listen.
"Frank!" I turn my head, slowly.
"Wha-" I don't even have time to finish because I'm thrown against the wall, opposite Ray.
I try to recompose myself staring Mikey in his eyes.
"You fucking shit sack! What's your deal?" Mikey shouts as I thrash against the wall and him.
"Get the fuck off me." I snap, struggling even harder. Mikey brings his forearm under my chin, pressing it into my neck.
"Ugh, fuck." I manage to squeak out, with the amount of breath I had left in my lungs.
"Look at yourself." He hisses at me. "Look at what you're doing."
I start to get light-headed as he increases pressure on my throat.
"Mike-"
"No, you shut the fuck up. None of the would have happened it with weren't for you." He shoves his arm into my throat violently with that last word, causing me to choke.
"Mikey," Ray coughs from the floor. "Stop, it's not worth it. Just leave him alone."
"No, fuck that. He ran off, Gerard was worried sick about you. You know that right? He ran around town searching for your pathetic ass!"
I scrunch my face up and twist my face from side to side.
"L-liar." Mikey immediately releases his grip on me and steps back, as if I had the bubonic plague or something.
"You have the balls to call me a liar? Look around Frank! Why on earth would I have a reason to lie at this point?" I rub my neck,
"He would have called me." I cough and struggle with the next few words. "Everyone called me but him."
Mikey chuckles evilly, running his hand over his face and through his hair.
"You honestly are a dumb piece of shit you know that right?" I finally manage to catch my breath. "He ran around town to find you. He was out for hours Frank! All because your bitch ass couldn't handle a simple motherfucking interview, and all you're worrying about is wether or not he called you? This is your fault Frank! If he dies, I want you to fucking know, this. Is. Your. Fault."
"Fuck you." I spit, directly in his face. Ray scrambles off the floor, but it's too late. Mikey had already wiped my spit off his face and punched me. Hard and directly in my nose. I heard a crack as I slid down the wall cradling my possibly broken and definitely bleeding nose. Ray wraps his arms around Mikey's waist and carries him off before he could continue his assault on me.
"It should be you in there Frank! You should be on your death-bed right now! Gerard doesn't deserve to die! You do! This is your fucking fault! You should be dead!" That's the last thing I could make out as Ray carried the kicking and screaming Mikey out of ear-shot.
Sitting there against the wall, my anger subsides completely as I feel a wave of guilt and hopelessness wash over me too quickly for me to even think.
"I know Mikey, I know." I say to no one as tears begin to roll down my face as nurses rush down the hallway to my aid.
Notes
I AM SO BAD WITH UPDATING THIS OH MY GOD
Ya-Fucking-Ay
9/5/14