The Light Behind Your Eyes

Izzy's POV
Once Gerard got his breath back I helped him back into the house and straight to the kitchen to clean him up. I got a cloth and started dabbing the cut on his lip and wiping the blood from his nose while he held a bag of frozen peas to his jaw. I could hear Bob and the others getting rid of everyone else from the party.

"Izzy, it's okay...really, i'm fine" He said as he wiped the tears from my face. I didn't even realise I was crying until now. I felt stupid that he was consoling me after he was the one that just got the shit kicked into him.
"You're not okay Gee, he was strangling you for fuck sake!...And all because of me" I replied sadly. I felt so guilty. This was all my fault.
"Not because of you, because of us."
"We were stupid to think we could do this without someone getting hurt. All this time I thought it would be one of us getting hurt...not Frank."
"Shh, it's okay, at least it's all out in the open now" Gerard said while cupping my face in his hands and gently kissing me on the lips, but I had to pull away.
"No Gerard, we can't keep doing this...not now."
"What do you mean?"
"Frank nearly killed you because of us so I can't be apart of this anymore. I can't do this knowing that it's hurting him that much. If I knew he was going to like this...I-"
"You what?" Never would have fucked me?" Gerard interrupted.
"Gerard..."
"No I get it. I totally understand."
"C'mon it's not like that"
"So was I just some sort of toy to you?"
"Of course not! You're my friend! My best friend...I thought we were on the same page about all of this."
"Yeah we were until I realised i'm just your mistake!"
"Gee you're not a mistake! It's just Frank, I can't do that to him!"
"You didn't have a problem with it before"
"That's before I seen how hurt he was, I didn't think he was ever going to find out"
"Oh right, so I was just gonna stay your dirty little secret forever?"
"No Gerard, don't be stupid"
"Oh i'm the stupid one? YOU are the one whose still pining over a guy whose having a kid with another girl! You do realise him and Jess are together right? They're gonna be a family? They're probably fucking every single night and do you honestly think he's even considering your feelings when he's with her? Because he doesn't! He doesn't give a fuck about you or me!" He shouted. Every word hurt more than the last and I could feel my eyes stinging with fresh tears I've never seen this side of him before, i'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared. I froze just staring at Gerard, his entire demeanor had changed, I could tell by his face that he instantly regretted what he said but I was still shocked and hurt by his words. I turned around to leave when I was faced by Bob, Mikey and Lana, they were all staring at me, judging me. Great they all hated me now too.
"Had enough of the show?" I asked while pushing past them. I ran upstairs and into the first bedroom, I slammed the door and locked it behind me.
"FOR FUCK SAKE!" I shouted, I was so frustrated with myself. How did I let this happen? How did I fuck everything up? I walked over to the bed and screamed into the pillow while sobbing. I was feeling so over whelmed, I couldn't process my emotions, there were just too many of them.

"Izzy, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean what I said, I'm just angry please let me in!" Gerard shouted from the other side of the door.
"Don't you think you've done enough!" I heard Lana shout at him
"Come on Gee, lets give her some space" Mikey said calmly.
"Izzy, it's just me and you now, can you let me in please, I just want to make sure you're okay" Lana said sweetly.
This just made me feel even worse. It didn't seem like she hated me because of what I had done, she actually seemed concerned. Either way I still just wanted to be alone.
"I'm fine, I just really want to be alone right now, can you give me a few minutes?" I replied while sobbing silently.
"Sure, i'll be downstairs whenever you're ready" Lana replied.

I tried to gather my thoughts but all I could think of was how I have ruined everything and how everyone would have been much better off if they had never met me. I've ruined Frank and Gee's friendship, mine and Gee's friendship and I've especially hurt Frank and whatever friendship we had going on. Bob probably would never forgive me either for hurting Frank. Then I thought of Frank, his beautiful angelic face, his smile, his eyes, how he would make me laugh all day every day, how he would make me feel like the only girl in the world, we lived in our own little ignorant bubble of sheer bliss and now I don't even know him anymore, I don't even know myself.

'I gotta get out of here' I thought to myself as I walked over to Mikeys window and studied my escape route. It seemed easy enough, all I had to do was shuffle down the drainpipe and try not to fall and break my ass. Surprisingly enough I succeeded escaping without attracting the attention of anyone in the house. As soon as my feet were firmly on the ground I walked to the cemetery, picking up any wild flowers I found along the way. I need my mom, i'm sure she would understand, i'm sure she wouldn't judge me. I eventually arrived at the cemetery and slowly approached her tomb stone and laid the wild daffodils I had picked on her grave. I knelt down and tears streamed down my face as I began talking to her.

"Mom, please help me, i've ruined everything with everyone. What should I do? Gerard said some really horrible things and I know he doesn't mean them, I wont hold it against him but what if he's right? What if Frank is happy with Jess? And shouldn't I want them to be happy if they're gonna be a family? I dunno, I guess i'm just an idiot because a part of me has been holding on to the fantasy that he's going to come back for me. My heart is still broken, I just wish he knew how much I love him. I wish Gee knew how much I appreciated him. Can't you tell me how to fix this? Can't you give me some sort of sign? I beg of you, I need you!" I cried.

I don't know how much time had passed, all I know was I was freezing now when I heard the familiar sound of my coopers engine. Could it really be? I heard the door close and someone walk up the gravel path, it sounded just like Frank.
"How did you know I was here?" I asked
"Because I know you" He replied.

I suddenly felt warmth wrap around me, it was soothing. Frank had given me his Jacket as he sat down beside me and sparked up a cigarette and passing it to me. I suddenly felt like I was going to vomit everywhere, I don't know if it was nerves, guilt or the alcohol. We sat smoking in silence for about ten minutes but it felt more like ten hours, neither of us really knew what to say so I broke the silence.
"Frank...I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I wasn't thinking, I was being selfish but I was just so lonely and Gerard was there for me..." I could sense Frank tensing up as I spoke of Gerard and I together. "I'm just really sorry, I hope you'll be able to forgive me someday" I added now turning to look at him but he just kept staring straight ahead. He can't even look at me.
"Can I take you home now? Everyone's really worried about you" He said
"Were you worried?" I asked, i'm not entirely sure why I asked that, it just came out
"Well i'm here aren't I" he answered vaguely. I think he's implying that he does care.
"Thank you"
"For what?"
"For coming here, being here, being you and mostly... for letting me know you"
"I should really be getting you back home now, the girls are waiting for you at your place." He replied, while standing up he held out his hands to help me up, I placed my hands in his, I could feel the electricity. Why was he being so nice to me after what I had done to him? But that's when I noticed the way he looked at me. I've never seen a look like that before, his eyes were filled with such disdain, I couldn't take it. We walked back to the car in silence, I was the one to break it again once we were on the open road.

"Do you think you'll ever be able to look at me without hating me?"
"i don't hate you Izzy"
"I can't help but think how much better off you would have been if you never knew me" I said and Frank furrowed his brows. He did this when he was thinking deeply. He was probably imagining what his life would be like now without me, so much easier no doubt. The rest of the drive home was in silence. He sat focusing on the road while I tried my best to fight back the tears but I failed miserably. When Frank pulled into my driveway I thanked him for driving me home and got out of the car. As I got to the top of my steps I heard the car door open and close. I turned around to see that Frank got out of the car and was standing on the bottom step.

"If I never knew you, I would have no inkling of how precious life can be, If I never knew you, I still wouldn't know what love is or how it feels, If I never knew you, I wouldn't be the better person I am today. So no Izzy, I wouldn't be better off if I never knew you." He said before getting straight back into the car and driving away.

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