The Light Behind Your Eyes

Gee and I ordered pizza and were lying in his bedroom as per usual. He's finished over half while I was still just picking at my first slice.
"What are you thinkin about?" Gerard asked
"Nothing..."
"C'mon Iz, just tell me"
"I was just wondering...who am I?"
"You're Isabelle Dawson, you love movies and old music. You love your family and friends you're smart, funny and-"
"No I mean who actually am I? Doesn't everyone love music, movies, their friends and family?...I dunno just forget it, it's confusing."
"No c'mon explain it to me."
"It's like, I don't know who I am anymore, but when I think back to the girl I used to be a few months ago...that's not me. I can't remember how to just be me...just be...happy? I don't know if I can even feel anything, it's like i'm numb or empty. I feel like i'm just existing in this big ugly world instead of living, and I mean really living. I'm not accomplishing anything. What is the point in my existence? I need more than this mundane life that i'm currently living. After my mom died I felt similar, questioning the point of life if we're all gonna die anyway but then Frank came along and he made me feel...alive. I was excited every minute I spent with him, i'm never going to get that feeling back"
"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person...that's what's happened to you Izzy, you've died, you've shed your skin and now it's regrowing. You're in the process of being reborn. You'll feel again soon and besides you're only 17...thinking back to when I was 17 I was a totally different person. I promise you'll be the new Izzy soon"
"What if I don't want to be the new Izzy, what's wrong with the old one?"
"There's nothing wrong with the old one...but she's gone, you may be very similar to the old Iz but you'll be much stronger and wiser."
"I hope it happens soon. Anyway, how'd it go with Frank yesterday?"
"What?"
"Frank? Didn't you go to see him?"
"Oh right yeah, he said he was too busy to hang"
"Oh well, at least you tried."

I didn't sleep very well that night, I was too consumed with my thoughts, my brain just wouldn't switch off. I was thinking mainly about Frank and the conversation we had the other day. We haven't spoken since because I just don't know what to say but i'm promising myself that tomorrow i'll make a conscious effort to strike up some form of conversation. I ended up dragging myself out of bed before my alarm went off because of my lack of sleep I was gonna look like shit and knowing that I was gonna talk to Frank I needed to make extra effort to look presentable. I wore my hair down and curled my hair loosely to make it look natural. I applied extra eyeliner and mascara today and wore light red lipstick. Frank always said how much he loved my lips. I decided to wear my high waisted, tartan leggings with a plain black crop top with Gee's leather jacket that he left in my house. He said I can keep it until I get my own considering he's got 2 others. You know you're best friends when you're borrowing each others clothes. I made sure I got to chemistry early to prepare myself. This was the first time I felt any sort of thrill since Frank and I broke up, maybe it's not the feeling of excitement I miss but the feeling of Frank. I stared at the door while tapping my pen against the desk anxiously waiting for Frank to walk in. As he hastily entered the room he blew his hair out of his face, I didn't notice how long it had gotten until now.
"Hi" I said the minute he approached the desk.
"Hey" He replied rather cautiously.
"How's things?" I asked politely, he looked at me as if it was some sort of trap.
"They're...alright I guess. How's things with you?"
"They're...good."
"Good"
"So how's your mom?"
"She's good thanks, she actually went out on a date last week"
"No way! That's great, what's he like?"
"Oh he was a complete loser but at least she's out there trying you know?"
"Yeah, I'm so proud of her."
"She asks about you all the time, she really misses you"
"Aw, I miss her too, you'll send her my best wont you?"
"Yeah of course. How's your dad anyway?"
"He's alright, he's been quite busy with work recently and he's been in Washington a lot lately."
"You guys are still on the mend though right?"
"Oh yeah definitely, I can't thank you enough for that by the way..."
"It's okay...all in a days work" he said with that infamous Frank smirk i've missed seeing. When class ended Frank and I both went our separate ways.

Franks POV
I couldn't get Gerard's crazy outburst out of my head, it's not like him to go one like that, he's usually so positive and supportive...I can't help but think maybe he's got feelings for Izzy now. My paranoia got worse when Izzy came into school wearing his jacket. But I'm sure that's all it is, paranoia right? When Izzy spoke to me I felt normal again, I actually felt a glimmer of hope that I wasn't such a pathetic loser after all. Well that was until Jess confronted me later on. She overheard me telling my mom that Izzy was asking about her today so she put 2 and 2 together and realised the reason why I was actually okay to be around was because Izzy spoke to me.
"Don't you want to know why she's talking to you now after all these weeks?" She questioned
"Uh...because..."
"BECAUSE it doesn't hurt her anymore , which means she's over you...she's probably found someone else" She's probably right. This made me retract right back to square one.

Izzy's POV
That weekend Gee and Mikey were having a small house party, basically it was just gonna be us and the rest of the guys really pissed with music that's probably way too loud. I drove to Gerard's a little earlier to help him set up and decided I might as well just get ready there too considering I was going to be staying the night no doubt. As I pulled up I heard music coming from the garage. I forgot they had band practice, I popped my head in to say hello
"Hey guys!"
"Hey Izzy"
"Sup Iz!"
"You guys are sounding great as always!"
"Thanks, hey do you wanna hear our new song?" Bob asked
"No no, you don't wanna hear it, it's not ready yet" Gerard replied quickly
"Oh come on! It's just me here"
"I really don't think so.." Gerard said
"Gee don't be such a wet blanket!" Ray teased
"Yeah you should be really proud of this song Gee I think it's our best one yet" Mikey added
"Alright...fine" He said hesitantly "It's still a work in progress though"
"That's fine by me" I replied proud that I got my own way.
The music began, it was nice, really chilled not like most of their other stuff. Gerard seemed incredibly nervous which is weird, he's never nervous especially not when he's performing.

"These are the eyes and the lies of the taken
These are their hearts but their hearts don’t beat like ours
They burn ‘cause they are all afraid
For every one of us, there’s an army of them
But you’ll never fight alone
‘Cause I wanted you to know

That the world is ugly
But you’re beautiful to me
Well are you thinking of me now

These are the nights and the lights that we fade in
These are the words but the words aren’t coming out
They burn ‘cause they are hard to say
For every failing sun, there’s a morning after
Though I’m empty when you go
I just wanted you to know

That the world is ugly
But you’re beautiful to me
Are you thinking of me
Like I’m thinking of you
I would say I’m sorry, though
Though I really need to go
I just wanted you to know

I wanted you to know
I wanted you to know
I’m thinking of you every night, every day

These are the eyes and the lies of the taken
These are their hearts but their hearts don’t beat like ours
They burn ‘cause they are all afraid
When mine beats twice as hard

‘Cause the world is ugly
But you’re beautiful to me
Are you thinking of me
Like I’m thinking of you
I would say I’m sorry, though
Though I really need to go
I just wanted you to know
That the world is ugly (I just wanted you to know)
But you’re beautiful to me (I just wanted you to know)
Are you thinking of me

Stop your crying, helpless feeling
Dry your eyes and start believing
There’s one thing they’ll never take from you"

When they were performing Gee gave me goosebumps, he didn't break eye contact with me once and he sang with such passion.
"That was amazing guys! I love it!"
"Really?" Gee asked
"Yeah! Can you play it for me again?"
"Fuck yeah!" Said ray and they began again. Gerard was much more relaxed when he sang this time round.

It was party time and we were already a little tipsy when Lana decided she needed to use the bathroom and demanded that me and Ava joined her.
"So what's going on between you and Gerard?" Lana asked as soon as we entered to bathroom, she was never one to beat around the bush
"What do you mean?"
"You two are awfully close"
"Well yeah, he's like my best guy friend, you know?"
"But do you like him though?"
"What? I don't-"
"Don't play dumb Izzy, you guys are always cuddling, laughing at inside jokes and spend a lot of time together."
"That's just our friendship though"
"It's not like you and Gerard would be a bad thing...I was just curious if you maybe felt that way about him."
"Oh, no we just get each other, plus could you imagine Gee and I as a couple? It would never work!" I said and beginning to laugh
"I think you guys would actually be a pretty great couple, Gerard's a great guy and you can just tell he really respects you and cares for you Izzy" Ava chimed in
"Plus Mikey seems pretty convinced that you guys like each other"
"Why what's he said?"
"It's just a little theory of his...but if you don't like him why would you care?"
"I don't I was just wondering..."
"Okay, well I'm glad we just cleared that up"

The party ended up coming to a close, leaving just Gerard and I as the last two standing and we were pretty smashed.
"Okay okay lets take this party downstairs to my room" he slurred
"But I'm tired yet" I whined
"Noooo we're gonna play mario kart"
"Yeah!"
We went down to the basement where we decided it would be better to get into our pajamas first. I was so drunk I didn't feel the need to leave to room or even turn around to get undressed. I just stripped down to my underwear, Gee watched me as I stripped and strutted over to his drawers to get one of his over sized band t-shirts for myself and throwing him his sweat pants.
"What?" I asked sheepishly
"Nothing" He said while shaking his head vigorously. That's when he took off his shirt and I noticed he had a pretty good body himself. That's when mine and Lana's conversation from earlier started playing back in my mind. Me and Gerard?
We played mario kart in bed, I was beating Gerard in rainbow road which he just couldn't handle so he started tickling me to distract me and it worked.
"No stop!" I managed to choke out in between my fits of laughter. He eventually stopped and pulled me into his arms as we lay on his bed. I rested my chin on his chest and studied his face, he's actually a really attractive guy. He pulled me closer and kissed me on my forehead, that's when I pecked him on the lips. We both looked at each other for a minute before I ran my hand smoothly up his chest and he placed his hand behind my neck, pulling me in closer for more. This is when we kissed properly, getting more and more passionate. I don't know what came over me but all of a sudden I was hungry for Gerard. I straddled him and took off my top,I guided his hands to my boobs, that's when he decided to become the dominant one. I have to say I quite enjoyed him dominating me. It got hot and heavy pretty quickly, next thing I know we're having sex and i'm panting his name while he's saying mine. I have to admit the sex was unbelievable. It wasn't even awkward afterwards, although we were still pretty pissed...tomorrow mornings probably gonna be awkward as fuck.

Notes

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