The Light Behind Your Eyes

It's been a few weeks since I had to end things with Izzy. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. At first I felt excruciating pain all day every day, I couldn't even really sleep, i'd just lye awake thinking of her, thinking of the life we were going to have together, how the band was gonna make it and she was gonna do a documentary on us, and be on the road with me at all times. I often think about the kids we were gonna have together and the kids they'd have. When I was feeling really desperate, i'd pray that this was all some fucked up nightmare and i'd eventually wake up with her in my arms but i'm not that lucky. The hardest part was having Jess living with me though, she'd get so annoyed with how depressed I was, I feel bad because it must be pretty hard on her too seeing as we're trying to make things work but i'm heart broken over another girl.

I tried to keep the band going, writing music and jamming with the guys was my only escape that is until Jess would get pissy with me every time saying that I was being 'immature' and putting myself before her and the baby. It was easier to just leave the band.
After losing the band the only way I could cope was by keeping busy, the only way i could afford this baby was if I got a full time job but my mom said she'd rather i finished school first but she let me get a part time job. I asked Dave the bouncer from the jazz bar the living room if there was any jobs going, he managed to get me a job picking up glasses and helping the bands with sound. I would've said this was my perfect part time job if it didn't remind me of Izzy so much, this was where I took her on our first date. So my life now consists of going to school all day, coming home to get all my homework done, help my mom around the house, listen to Jess bitch and moan then go to work from half 9 at night til 3 in the morning then go home and get 4 hours sleep before I get to wake up and do it all over again. It's gonna be the death of me, I'm so fucking exhausted all the time and of course Jess can't appreciate that I was working so hard to give her and our baby the best life I possibly could, No instead of thanking me she would whine about how I never spend any 'quality time' with her and how I don't really care for her. I do care for her...just not the way she wants me to, and no where near the way I feel for Izzy.

Seeing her in school is so hard, she looks amazing. I tried talking to her, it didn't go too well she said it was just to hard and I totally understand. I'm not going to speak to her until she wants me to. If she ever wants me to that is. I'll call Gerard or Bob every now and again just to check in and see how they think she's doing. Bob tells me that she's trying to be strong but he knows she's still miserable and that she misses me. Is it horrible to admit that I like to know that she's miserable too? It just lets me know that she still loves me and it's comforting to know that i'm not the only one who feels this terrible all the time. But at the same time I feel incredibly guilty that i'm the reason she's so hurt. I miss her so fucking much. I would give anything to just have one more day with her. I'd love for her and I to eventually get over this and become friends because not having her in my life at all is killing me. I don't even know who I am anymore. Without Izzy is how I disappear. I forget what it's like to smile and laugh. I miss the days when I could just laze around with the guys and Izzy and not have a care in the world. Now I just feel stressed and anxious all the time. If i'm not worrying about the baby or money, i'm worrying about whether or not i'll graduate considering how i'm never totally prepared for any of my class exams. Any time Jess was having a nap i'd jump at the opportunity to run to my room to play my guitar and write some music, it was the only little piece of the old me I had left. I wasn't great at writing songs, it was more Gee's thing, i'd write a few lyrics here and there but never enough to expand into a whole song. I was feeling extra sorry for myself today this is what I wrote.
'If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see
You can find out firsthand what it's like to be me
So gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye
I'd encourage your smiles I'll expect you won't cry'
Writing these words on paper and being able to sing them helped a lot, I actually felt like I was releasing some of my anger and frustration, but i'd only feel better for a few short minutes.

Izzy's POV
It's been just over a month since Frank and I last spoke. I'm starting to feel really bad for the poor guy he looks like a mess. He's like a zombie with constant bags under his eyes and he just sludges around school. Today I noticed that he got 28% in our last class test, he scrunched the paper up and threw it in his bag before holding his head in his hands.
"Are you...okay?" I asked, he looked at me through his fingers
"Yeah" He said with a huge sigh
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah I just...have a lot of stuff going on right now" He replied
"Oh...Frank I...i'm sorry I snapped at you a while back"
"You have absolutely nothing to apologise for."
Then the bell rang meaning we had to go to our next class.
"Well, I guess i'll see you around then, bye Frank"
"Bye Izzy"
I was confused after talking to Frank, I felt like I was ready but it still felt weird, I dunno if being on speaking terms with him again would mean that I was accepting it was over and moving on or if it would just make me miss him even more. All I knew was Frank was not in a good place right now, and I owe Frank a lot, I owe him for mending my broken relationship with my father and for introducing me to some of the most amazing people in the world so I owe it to Frank to be there for him if he's willing to have me as a friend.

Gerard's POV
Izzy came over to chill after school today. She told me how she was feeling really sorry for Frank and she even spoke to him today. I couldn't help but feel incredibly jealous and insecure about this thus solidifying my feelings for her. It's frustrating knowing that she'll never feel the same for me.
"Are you sure talking to him is a good idea?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"Well wouldn't it be hard, isn't it just gonna drag you back to square one? Look at how far you've come along, i'd hate to see you in all that pain again!"
"Gee, I know you're trying to look out for me but I feel like it's the right thing to do, he's a mess! Maybe you should go visit him? I'm sure he misses you"
"Yeah, I think I will."
When I called to Frank's I found him passed out at his desk with books everywhere. I put my hand on his shoulder and shook him gently.
"Frank?"
"Pi is 3.141 !" He said when we woke up dramatically
"What?" I asked but he just looked at me confused and wiped the drool from his mouth
"Huh?"
"You okay man?"
"Uh yeah, I was just doing my math homework...I must've fell asleep. What are you doing here?"
"Oh, I was just in the neighborhood and thought i'd swing round and check in, haven't really heard from you in a while, just wanna make sure everything's good." Frank looked at me with sad eyes, I could tell he was at his breaking point.
"I'm fucking dying man. Every day I wake up feeling less and less alive, I'm just waiting to drop dead I can't keep this up much longer."
"Keep what up?"
"This life"
"Dude don't say that..."
"No man, you don't get it, I have nothing for myself anymore. I'm working so fucking hard and for what? A kid I never wanted with a girl I don't even like!" I felt really bad for him now.
"Frank just take it day by day, it'll all pay off, it's just hard right now cause you balancing work and school as soon as you graduate you'll just be working. You'll be able to balance everything better by then"
"No because by then the baby will actually be here" He said and his breathing became heavier and more frequent.
"Calm down, calm down! take deep breaths" I said putting my hand on his shoulders
"The only good thing is that Izzy talked me to today, getting to see her even from afar is the only reason I get out of bed. The only hope for me is her alone." As soon as he said this, jealousy washed over me and it's like I lost control of my own body.
"Is talking to her such a good idea?"
"Why it's only talking"
"Well I just think you're torturing yourself"
"Believe me Gerard, My life is torture but Izzy, she relieves the pain."
"Okay whatever do what you want."
"Why are you acting like this Gee?"
"I'm not acting like anything"
"Yeah you are you're being a bit of a douche"
"Oh i'm the douche? You're the one that broke her heart and left me to pick up all the pieces! Well let me tell you something Frank she's doing really well now without you so don't even try to worm your way back in! Stay away from Izzy because that's what's best for her!" Frank just looked at me totally flabbergasted. I quickly realised that my outburst was totally out of order.
"Frank...I'm sorry I just-"
"No you're right Gee, and thanks for looking after her. I really appreciate it, you're a great friend." Frank said holding out his hand for me to shake. This made me feel incredibly guilty.

Notes

Starting to get a little stuck now, I have ideas on where I want this to go but still not sure how to get there :'(
Please comment, I love getting feedback :) And i'd love to know how you guys want this to go!
Happy reading !
xxx