Tour life is not the life for me.I went long periods with out showering,Sleeping on venue floors and If I did bathe.It was in a fucking sink!There's fun parts though!After almost every show there was a party,Which consisted of getting wasted and Gerard getting high or wasted,Gerard was also taking pill often.Recently,It had gotten to the point where it was a rare sight without Gerard being drunk or high.It scared me a lot,Whenever I asked Gerard says "I want to be high." or "I want to be drunk".I then decided,for getting my worries,That Gerard was a grown man and he could make his own decisions.But for some reason...It got worse.
Over the past four weeks Gerard sped up on the pills use and alchol consumption.Sober Gerard is a rare sight which escaped many other's eyes.I sighed as I walked off of the van.Gerard had been gone for a while and I'm starting to get worried.I called Frank,We've become really good friends since I've been touring with him for seven weeks."Frank?"I asked."Uh,Yeah."Frank mumbled,He was probably a little tipsy but a least not completly smashed."Where's Gerard?"I asked him."Gee,He's...I don't know,He told me something about being with my boyfriend Mikey.I mean Mikey isn't my boyfriend.No,I never said that okay."He told me."Okay,Bye."I said then hung up.I went back onto the bad and laid on the seat.I closed my eyes and went to sleep.
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I woke up to little knocks on the window.I looked to see Gerard smiling like a child while holding two Starbucks coffee.I smiled back then went to open the door."Hey."He said handing me a cup.I took a drink and gulped it down."Mmm,This coffee is amazing."I said smiling.He leaned over and pecked my lips a couple times.He then kissed me,But with a little more mouth.After a few kisses later he was on top of me,with his arms wrapped around my waist and my finger intwined into his hair."Hey,No sex in the van!"Bob yelled as he walked by the van laughing.Gerard stopped then leaned up a blush creeping up on his pale cheeks.I knew that I was probably blushing as well.
We both laughed as Gerard grabbed my hand,kissing mine as it intwinded in his.He started to sing quietly into my neck as it was laid on his mouth."Hand in mine,into your icy blues.I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets with this truck of ammunition,too."Gerard sang sweetly.His hand tightened on mine's."Hey Hayley,The bus is here."He said stroking my brownish blackish redish hair.He opened the door and hopped out then picked me up bridel style and carrying me to the car.The door opened and Gerard stepped on with me in his arms.Surprisingly the bus didn't smell like pure sweat anymore,It actually smelled good."Who cleaned?"Gerard asked sitting me down on the couch then sitting beside me."Not you,You lazy motherfucker."Bob said."You're such a housewife.''Gerard teased."Fuck you man."Bob said laughing."Gee?"Mikey called."Mikey?Where are you coming from?"Gerard called.It sound like....No fucking way.
"There's a working shower!"Mikey yelled.Everyone cheered happily."Well,Drink to celebrate."Gerard said then opened a beer can,Which Frank had passed him,and gulped some.I just on the couch and talked to them.They all had a show in an hour at 5:00 p.m,Which was eariler than usual,meaning they'd be home eariler.By eariler I meant 10:00p.m,Because they normally had to get some partying in.Especially Gerard,Who was always drunk or high.They all showered and got dressed for the show.Gerard walked over to me and placed his hand on my cheek.He looked pretty drunk."I love you.Okay?"Gerard said."I love you too,Gerard."I said back.He then placed a innocent-drunken-kiss on my lips.He waved goodbye as they walked down the street to the venue.
I then walked back onto the bus and turned on the shower.I took off my clothes then stood and letting the warm water drench me.I washed up and got out.I felt a thousand times lighter.I put on some clothes and laid in Gerard's bunk,inhaling his scent.I curled up and fell asleep in his bunk.
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(Listen to the song during this part) The song
I woke up to my phone going off.I pressed answer then put my phone up to my ear and rubbed my eyes with my other hand."Hello?"I said."Hayley."It was Gerard."I'm sorry."He said."Gerard.What's wrong?Are you okay?"I asked worried.I looked at the clock,It was 12:00 am and everyone's bunk curtanis were closed."No,I'm not okay.I can;t be the guy you fucking want.I'm fucked up to the max.You could do way better."He told me."What the hell do you mean?Where are you?"I asked him,I'm really fucking worried.Gerard was really drunk,He was probably high as well.He must of been taking pills again."I can't be a good boyfriend and take care of you."He then paused,"I have to go."."Gerard,No."I begged then I heard a beep from the other end.I then started to cry.Minutes later,He called back.
"I'm sorry,I shouldn't have said that.It's just true,I'm too fucked up for you.You could have someone way sexier and smarter also better than me."He told me."Gerard,Why are you fucked up.I don't see anything wrong with you."I said holding the emotion in my voice but I think he that I was crying."I made you fucking cry,Didn't I.See?All I ever fucking do is fucking hurt you.You could be happier with someone else,But of course you don't see.The coke numbs me and I don't show shit."Gerard said."Did you say coke?As in cocaine?"I asked,Goddamnit Gerard."I have a problem Hayley,I just don't know how to deal with it alright.I like being drunk and high,It makes me forget what I feel."Gerard told me."I really-"I was then cut off by Gerard."I'm going to go.I really love you."He said then the line went dead again.I then fell back on the pillow and cried a bit more.
Then my phone buzzed again."I'm sorry."He said simply."Gerard don't fucking do this.Anything but this.Just please don't."I begged wiping away my tears."But I don't even want to fucking live anymore.This isn't a goddamn joke.I want to be dead."He said shakily through the phone."I love you so much Gerard.Please don't do it."I pleaded.''But everyone would be so much more happier.Frank could be with Mikey.Mikey would have to worry about being compared to me.My mom and dad wouldn't be disappointed.Everyone would be smiliing at the funeral.And you,"He then started to cry,"You have someone better in life.Better looks,Better future and Better personality.Just someone better all together."He said through drug-induced,yet sincere,sobs."Gerard Aruthr Way!Is that seriously what you think?Frank would probably be upset.Mikey,God there's no telling what he would do.Your parents would probably be really upset.Me,"I then sobbed,"I would probably end it.Just so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of you being gone.But Gerard you gotta understand that I love you.For everything you do,I just want you to hold on.Please tell me where you are.I want to make you happy and tell you that everything is going to be okay.Tell me where you are."I said.
"I'm at the park."He said shakily."I'll be there soon."I said.I then ran out of the bus and down to the park.There was Gerard on a park bench,Crying with his hands in face.I walked over and Gerard looked up.His eyes were bloodshot due to the drugs and crying and his face smeared with makeup.He looked at me with a blank expression.I sat down beside him and wrapped my arms around him."I'm so sorry.I'm so sorry.I'm so sorry."He kept repeating.I then pulled away from him,I pushed his hair out of his face."Sorry for what?''I asked him."Please don't hate me,Hayley."He said while looking into my eyes."Why would I hate you?I love you so much."I said.His eyes then looked like they portrayed guilt.Slowly,He lifted up his sleeve to reveal deep cuts on his arms.His pale skin was smeared with blood and the wounds were still bleeding."Gerard..This.."I then caught a glimpse of some previous scars."I didn't know."I said.He just started to cry again."I just didn't want you to hate me."He told me.I pulled him close and kissed him.
"Gerard listen to me.I love you with all my heart and your hurting.I would never hate you;and I would never leave you when you need me the most."I told him.I then notice the blood was seeping from his wounds fast.I took him by the hand and stood,helping him."Let's get you cleaned up."I said then pecked his head.He didn't say anything,He just held my hand.When he got on the bus Frank,Mikey and Brian were sitting on the couch.In the light of the bus you could see Gerard's bloody arms."Gerard,What the fuck happened?"Mikey asked.They all slowly hovered over to examine Gerard.I grabbed a first aid kit,peroxide and some paper towels."Is this gonna.."Gerard said,I then pour peroxide on a paper towel then dapped at the cuts."This isn't-JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT'S BURNING & FIZZING THIS SHIT IS FUCKING PAINFUL!SON OF A BITCH!"Gerard yelled in pain.When I was done I threw the paper towel away then wrapped his arm in an ace bandage that I found in the kit.I then wet another paper towel with water and wiped away Gerard's makeup.
"Gerard,Let's go on a walk."Brian said then left with Gerard.I just sat on the couch and sighed.What made Gerard want to kill himself.Was it the cocaine?The pills?The alcohol?Or even me?I didn't know.I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder."Why are you crying?"Mikey asked me.I wiped away my tears."My boyfriend just tried to fucking kill himself.I'm confused."I told him.Mikey then walked over to Frank,Who said nothing.Mikey grabbed his hand and squeezed his hand.I think Mikey knew that Gerard left a huge hole in Frank's heart and Mikey wanted to fill that hole.Ten minutes later,Gerard came back with Brian."Mikey,I wanna talk to you."Gerard said then Mikey left the tour bus with Gerard.I kept on sitting but Brian and Frank sat with me.When Gerard and Mikey returned Gerard called me over to the stove area.I walked over to him and just stood.
"Hey Hayley."Gerard said."Yeah?"I asked him."I don't know how this is suppose to go but-Hold on!I forgot something."He then got on one knee."Will you marry me,Hayley Ann Burling?"He asked me smiling.He pulled out a beautiful diamond ring with a red diamond jewel in the middle."Gerard!Of course!"I yelled happily.He slipped the ring on me then picked me up and kissed me."Got it!"Mikey yelled while holding a camera.Frank smiled a genuine smile,I think he knew that Gerard was really happy with me."Alright now,You all have a show together tomorrow and it's 1:30 a.m in the morning.Get your asses to bed."Brian told us and we went to our bunks.I saw that Ray was in Mikey's bunk and that Frank and Mikey were sharing a bunk,I will admit that's cute.Gerard laid next to me in his bunk."That was my apology present."Gerard told me.I then grabbed his arm and placed little kisses on where the blood had started to seep through."Apology accepted."I said then pecked his lips.I then leaned my head on his chest and went to sleep.

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