I wanna know the taste of your lips by heart

As I was sitting next to my boyfriend Kyle, who had the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen and silky bleached platinum blonde hair that framed his handsome but quite pale face, I was feeling so numb. Like, I just couldn’t feel the right way about him, of course, I could admire his looks all day long but I had no deep feelings, no strong affection towards him. And who doesn’t feel affectionate towards their fucking boyfriend?

He was a good person. I mean, seriously. He was absolutely awesome. Everybody liked him and he was quite popular at school but he never acted like a douche, he was nice to everyone who was nice to him, simple as that. He was not self-centered or anything like that. Since his family was Catholic (a strictly religious one, sincerely believing in kindness, and helping each other), he donated some money and clothes to the local church every month and they went to the poor people. He always tried to help people and be nice to them. Yes, he definitely was a good person.

He wasn’t ashamed of me, not at all. And, believe me, there were plenty of reasons to be ashamed of me. Like, I was slightly chubby and my looks weren’t the best, at least I had convinced myself so. People would often laugh at me about the music I listened to, the way I dressed or my awkward behaviour. Well, he wasn’t like me, he was perfect, but he still defended me in front of other people and protected me. He was an angel. An angel I had no more-than-friendly feelings for…

So as I was sitting next to him in this modern café near our school with some of our classmates and I wasn’t really listening to their conversation which was more like gossiping about something that didn’t affect me in any way and probably didn’t affect them as well (but oh well), I was thinking about all this and about Mikey. You would ask who this Mikey guy is and the first thing you’d think of is ‘he’s cheating/ he likes some other guy’ but no. Mikey is my little brother. Now you brushed off these thoughts of me cheating on Kyle but still. You have no damn idea.

Mikey was … he’s …see? I don’t even know how to describe him so I’ll just start with his appearance. Mikey was tall and super skinny, much like Kyle, his hair was like mine, I mean, mine was dyed but our natural colour is dark brown, nevermind. He had dark hazel eyes and he had ‘awkward knees’-he always put them in a weird position. He was socially awkward, too. He hated big crowds, when he was around people, he was very shy and he’d prefer to spend his time only with his closest friends and me, of course.

We had that special connection that other brothers often don’t have. We loved each other dearly, it was almost physically painful when we weren’t together for a long time which also hadn’t happened many times before. I would do anything for him, really. He’s the person who wouldn’t judge me for anything and would always be there for me, even when he’s in the background.

Okay, about the ‘background’ thingy in the end… after I had started dating Kyle, it kinda… we didn’t have that much time only for ourselves like before. I was constantly out and when I was at home, I was either with Kyle making out in my bedroom or I was sleeping. But he never complained, he never confronted me about it, he never said that I neglect him or something although I really did and I’m so sorry. Sometimes I saw the hurt in his eyes, but he quickly covered it up and he seemed fine again. But I knew, deep down I knew he wasn’t fine at all and it was my fault. And I was crying on the inside because…well, because I hated seeing him like this and because I really missed him. I was spending my time with Kyle, trying to feel something towards him when really I
love (loved and love)
my brother,
you see. I loved him. I loved him the way I would have never loved Kyle, no matter how sweet he was. The way I shouldn’t love him, if you ask society. I loved everything about him, even the things that kinda pissed me off, like when he would sneak in my room and wake me up in the early hours of the morning just because he can’t sleep or when he would play with my hair (he’s the only one allowed to do that).

You would ask about the physical part, I guess. No, we haven’t done anything big. We’ve kissed- pecked a couple of times but it was just when he was too anxious about something or when me or him were upset and also we cuddled a lot. I just didn’t have the guts to do things with him, didn’t know how he’d react and if he was disgusted with me, it would have broken my heart.

But I honestly was sick of pretending. I was sick of myself, because I was fucking toying with Kyle and he didn’t deserve it. So I stood up, telling my classmates and boyfriend that I was feeling kinda sick and it was not an utter bullshit, it was really making me sick, all of it. And when Kyle asked me if I wanted him to come with me and take care, I said Mikey knew how to help me. Unfortunately, I think he pretty much got the message and I say unfortunately, because it was too harsh. He’d always known something between me and my brother wasn’t exactly only ‘brotherly’. I was probably the biggest asshole of a boyfriend but he deserved so much more than me, he deserved someone who would have loved him the way I loved my little brother and the love of my life which happened to be the same person.

On my way home, I texted Mikey that I wanted to talk to him and I’d be home soon to which he answered that he was out with Ray (his best friend) but he’d be home in half an hour. The thing is, he didn’t even ask, he just did what I wanted him to do, like he trusted me enough to know that it was important and serious.

When I was home, I looked in the kitchen, then in the living room and they both seemed so empty and lifeless without his excessive rambling and bouncing around and just his sweet presence. I climbed up the stairs, left my bag in my room and went to his own.

The walls were full of posters- of bands, games, movies and shit, everything you could imagine, really. His working place was full of homework and lyrics of songs he’d written. I picked one and started reading. Usually he’d just tell me they’re shit and nothing special and he’d hide them but that day he probably had forgotten them on his desk so I started reading:







Demolition Lovers

Dedicated to my One and Only G.

Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I’d say to you
We can take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too
I’d end my days with you in a hail of bullets
I’m trying, I’m trying
To let you know
just how much you mean to me
And after all the things
we put each other through
And I would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two
Keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there’s nothing left to do
But prove myself to you
And we’ll keep it running
But this time
I mean it
I’ll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I’m trying, I’m trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade
And nights grow
And we grow cold…

I never got to read the rest of it because Mikey was standing in the doorway of his own room, looking horrified, and shocked, and the next thing I knew, he was snatching his own song away from my hands and was blushing and looking at his worn out sneakers.

“It’s- I- it’s crap, um-“, he stuttered, blushing even harder, but I interrupted him-

“No, Mikey, hey- look at me. It’s not. It’s beautiful.”, I said to him quietly, lifting his chin so he was looking at me.

“U-um thanks. Sooo…”

“Is it for me?”, I ask him.

“What? Oh, this, erm, well, you were not meant to, y-you know, actually r-read it”, he looked scared again.

“Mikey, I love it, okay? It’s perfect. You are perfect…”, I said to him, only a few inches away from his beautiful face. He blushed so deep shade of red as I put a strand of straightened hair behind his ear that I thought he was going to explode or something.

“I-what can I say, you are- Kyle- we’re- oh my god”

“I’m done with him now. I love him, but only as a friend. I love you, like a brother-”, I paused and saw that his face fell a little “- and so much more, you could never imagine”

His eyes widened so much behind his glasses and his whole body tensed and he was just like a scared puppy. I wanted to hug him so fucking bad but I thought that he’d get the message wrong so I captured his dry beautiful pale lips with mine. I think it was too shocking for him so he just stood there doing nothing in the beginning but then, then he kissed me back with so much feeling in it. In this moment I realized how my lips were itching for his, how I itched for his touch, his eyes, his whole body, his personality, his every-fucking-thing, it enveloped my whole self- the crave for Him. My brother and lover.

Notes

Okay, so... new story! I'll post the 2nd chapter today so yeah..
Vote, comment, subscribe, let me know what you think, it'd make me truly happy. ^-^

zombie--