The Silver Lining

I looked up at Ray nervously as we climbed back on the bus because we neede to leav in about five minutes. I really don't want to tell the other guys yet, I don't know how Gerard will react, even though I technically didn't cheat on him or Frank.

Mikey, Frank and Gerard looked up at us and smiled before returning to what they were doing, except for Gerard who stared at me a bit longer and noticed my nervous smile.

"Lola, are you alright?" I looked up at Ray as Gerard asked me this. He nodded no and I sighed.

"Yeah, just fine." I tried my best to not look so nervous. He stood and pulled me into a hug as I heard Ray move into the back, maybe tI the bathroom.

"Lo, what's wrong?" He asked as he pulled away and held my shoulders, forcing me to look him in the eyes.

"I'm just stressed. It's not easy being pregnant you know." That was an understatement.

"Okay, as long as everything is all right. I never really got to ask you about how the appointment went." He led us to the couch and pulled me into his lap.

I smiled and reached into my back pocket, puling out the pictures of the baby I was carrying inside me. He took them gently and smiled.

"I can't believe I'm going to be a father." His smile was so large as he imagined our life together. My heart immediately sank and I tried to hold back the tears, but one slowly leaked it's way out.

I quickly wiped it away, but not before Gerard noticed and kissed my nose.

"Frank, Mikey! Ray! Look what I have!!!" he said, standing up. He waved around the pictures in excitement. Mikey and Frank looked up from the tv and smiled, reaching for the pictures as Ray poked his head in from the kitchen.

"What?" Ray asked as he opened the door fully and walked back into the living space with us.

"We have pictures of our baby!" Gee announced excitedly with his huge grin growing wider. I could see Ray's heart immediately sink as he walked over slowly and held his hand out for a picture. I have him the last one I had in my pocket and he took it gratefully, but still not able to muster a smile.

He sat down, looking at the picture he was holding in his right hand and covering his mouth with his left hand. as the guys hugged excitedly, occasionally hugging me too, but I couldn't peel my eyes off of Ray's reaction. I gasped quietly to myself as I saw a tear slip down his face as he finally let it sink in that he was going to be a father. Not Gerard.

I walked over to him and sat next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He slowly turned to me. His eyes were glistening with tears and I couldn't help but let a tear slip as I realized how much of a fuck up I was. He pulled me into a hug as my frail frame was pulled into his arms. I let out the quietest sob I could, but not without the other guys noticing our awkward show of affection.

"Are you guys okay?" Mikey asked. I kept hugging Ray, letting my small body shake in sobs, since there was no use in hiding I was crying since they already noticed I was sobbing into Ray's chest.

"Y-Yeah." Ray said, trying to escape my grasp and pull out of the hug. when I felt his try to shift away I immediately pulled him around me more and sobbed louder. I tried not to cry and be a mess infront of people, but I just couldn't stop crying. For my mistakes, my baby, Ray, Gerard, Frank. Everything I had ruined one way or another. My baby would have a fucked up life because I decided to get drunk as fuck and have sex then forget about it and hook up with another guy and then have sex with him. I'm such a slut.

"Lola, sugar, are you okay." Gerard tried to talk to me, but my sobs drowned out everything around me and I clutched into Ray's shirt tighter and tighter never wanting to leav such a warm grasp. Eventually he have up trying to flee and hugged me tighter.

"Lola, what the hell is wrong?" I could hear the concern in Frank's voice. I tried to calm myself down a bit. I started to breath normally again with only a few sniffles and I let go of Ray. He sighed and kissed my forehead before standing and jumping on his bunk before Gerard could say anything.

"I-I'm fine." I hiccuped as I tried to wipe my tears away, it was unfortunate that I decided to wear makeup today.

"No, obviously your not. You just clutched onto someone who you have been fighting with." Gerard said, sitting beside me, pulling my into a side hug.

"N-No, I'm fine now." I squeaked, my attempt to sound stronger ruined.

"Are you sure?" Mikey said, crouching in front of me and patting my hand that was rested on my knee.

"Yes, j-just tired." I smiled a small, sad attempt to look like I had any happiness. I stood up and walked over to my bunk. I tried to jump up into my bunk. Frank walked over and lifted me up into the bunk. I smiled down at him with a small 'Thank you' escaping my lips before he closed my curtain.

I quickly closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would just take me in and give me a nice dream to get my mind off things. But of course life was against me so I immediately had a nightmare.

I sat sat up strait in my bed and looke around. My usual, comforting surroundings were striped away and I looked around my old room in the hell of my shitty parents house in Jersey. I immediately panicked and jumped out of bed. I looked around and saw nothing had changed I looked out the window to see the sun was just rising. I walked over to my iPod and picked it up.

Oh my god.

It was November 22, 6:00 in the morning.

It it was all a fucking dream. I looked down, half expecting to see my huge stomach, but all I could see were my small feet. I let a river of tears flow down my face and I collapsed to the ground and pulled my knees up to my chest, rocking in rhythm with my sobs.

After about 10 minutes of loud, intense sobs racking my body I heard loud, pounding footsteps coming to my room's door. I quickly stopped crying in absolute fear as I anticipated my father. He ran in and walked up to me.

i quickly silenced my sobs and looked up. "You woke me up cunt." He said before grabbing my hair and forcing me up before punching e in the face and throwing me back down. He continued to kick the shit out of me. I could hear my skin ripping and my bones crunching with every kick.

"Lolaaaaaa." I heard Gerard call from above me. I slowly shifted my gaze up to Gerard's face that was once my father's. "That baby isn't mine. And you didn't fucking tell me, Lola." He said as he kicked me so hard I literally felt my pelvic bone break in two and rip open my insides in the process.

He crouched down to my level and got right in my face before angrily yelling "LOLA! LOLA WAKE THE FUCK UP."

I woke up with a start, sitting up immediately and lookin around. I saw Gerard peaking his head in my bunk. Oh thank god. I jumped down and strait into his arms.

"Lola, Lola, what's wrong?" He cradled me as a sobbed into his chest. That dream was so realistic and I couldn't be happier to be back on the bus.

"I-I had a nightmare." I sniffled once I had settled down again.

"I know, you woke everyone up with your screaming." I heard Frank say. I slowly looked up to see the guys looking at me worriedly. "What was it about?"

"I-I was back at home. And all this was just a dream and my dad came in and started to beat me and then he turned into Gerard and then you yelled …" I caught myself before I said what Gerard had actually yelled at me. "You yelled my name and then kicked me so hard that my bones shattered."

"Lola, it's okay, it was just a nightmare and was has happened since November is all real." Ray said kind of sadly. I looked up at him and we made eye contact for a second but in that short moment before he looked away I could see all the emotions I made him feel since November. Hurt, sadness, happiness, love, and fear.

"I hope." I sighed as I buried my head into Gerard's chest as he lifted me into his bunk before crawling in beside me and kissing my forehead lightly. I fell into a dreamless sleep wrapped in the arms of one of the many people who seemed to care about me and live on this bus with me.

Notes

Yeah. So that just fucking happened.