Only bad girls will get good grades

It's annoying how you can try and try Again, but never succeed.

Well granted, it is trying to die, but still, for the last three weeks, I've tried everything. I don't know how else to succeed. I just can't do anything right. i even did research. I mean what if someone opened up my recent search history on google? would not end well.

After everyone walked out, I went back to sleep to get rid of my loopy state.

Once I awoke from my dazed state, my mind was clear and full of the memory. My memory of last night.

Sat on my bed, I held the pills in my trembling, cut up hand. I had just gotten beaten by my father, called worthless, a failure,

But the worst was that they wished they had an abortion on me and Noah. They wished I was in the car with him. I knew they never loved me. I'll never get to feel that satisfaction of having parental approval. Hell, I'll never even get to say my parents cared, will I?

That may be all I'll be remembered for. That kid that lost her older brother and wasn't cared for.
I should be dead. Then they can have their happy family. The perfect boy and girl pair, then maybe they could be happy. Josh could be happy, Hannah could be happy, mom and dad could be happy.

Gerard could find happiness. He could find someone his own age. He could find someone not as fucked up as me.

I pop in the pills, 5 of them, to be exact. That's more than enough, right?

I take a large sip of the cheap but strong vodka that I bought from an unknown man, probably thought I was just a teenager with some friends, drinking and having a good time. Little did he know that was my magical death elixir.

I drink Giant gulps, washing down the sting with non-regretful tears.

After a while, the pain subsides to the numbest of feeling and I know that death is drawing near. Sitting in my own bed, in my own room.

And the thing I would have never expected happens. I swear that before me was the body of Noah Jackson. My best friend. My brother.

"What have you done RissyPrissy?" He sits on the bed next to me and slings an arm around my bruised shoulder. "Do they hurt you?" He asks nervously.

I nod, confused by the situation. I should be sent to hell, not to where Noah is. I don't deserve heaven.

"Oh baby, it's okay. But I don't want you here with me, I really don't. I know it seems like you should be, but you're not right in the head right now."

"I need to be with you Noah. I need to. I can't stand this shit hole of a place anymore."

"You have so much to live for. Think about Gerard." I look at him confused.

"How do you know of him?"

"Well first off, I've had him for a class, and two, I'm a fucking ghost. I know everything"

"Your just my conscience forming itself into something I will actually listen to."

"Well whatever I am, I'm stopping you. Don't do it, okay?" I look into his eyes, tearing up.

"Okay" I don't like lying. But I did it anyway.

"No, you pinky promise me. We don't break pinky promises" oh great. This really does mean I can't do anything. When Noah and I had something we were serious about, we would pinky promise. I hook my pinky with his reluctantly.

"Well I bid you farewell, my dear. I best be gone. They're waiting to see you"

And it was some sort of freaky inception shit, I'm telling you. I open my crusty eyes, looking up at the blinding lights in fear and pain.

"Ahh I see you're awake. Do you know where or whom you are dear?" A man In dark Blue scrubs and a white doctors coat shines a light in my eyes, switching it to the other eye every other second. He then stands straight and pushes a button for me to sit up a little.

"I-I'm Clarissa...am I in a hospital?"

"Good. No brain trauma. I'm Dr. Shepherd, a brain surgeon. I was just checking for any brain damage. What you did was a dangerous thing, Clarissa." He had black hair swooping upwards and backwards, staying poofy.

"I know doctor. I was trying to kill myself, obviously. I wasn't really thinking about waking up now was I?" I say in slurred words, only barely able to keep my eyes open.

"Thats What I thought. May I ask why you wanted to kill yourself?"

"You wouldn't understand" he scoffs.

"Oh really? Try me. My father was literally stabbed infront of me" he crosses his arms and leans back onto a wall. I sigh.

"Well, for starters, my parents literally couldn't hate me less.my older brother died two years ago, the only family that mattered to me. By best friend hast been around and..."

"And what?"

"Could I trust you wouldn't say?"I asks timidly, still worried about saying anything.

"Depends on the problem."he shifts slightly, fixing his lean.

"Well I love my teacher..."

"So you have a crush? That's nor-" I interrupt him.

"No, your not getting it. Me and him are...ya know...together..." His eyes widen slightly, but then go back to normal.

"I won't tell anyone, but just remember you can come to me if he ever tries something." I nod. Well atleast he's a cool guy. "Now back to the problem, I know life sucks. It's complete shit."
"But some things just make it worth it. Like for me, its my wife. And my daughter Zola. And you can find your happiness too. You just gotta find it." I nod.

(A.n.anyone watch Greys Anatomy)

"Is your kid cute? Probably has nice hair." I say, changing the subject. He laughs softly.
"We adopted Zola. But my wife's pregnant." I nod.

"Well please don't love one more than the other. I know how it feels to be on the other side of that." He sighs.

"I wouldn't do that. People like that don't deserve to be parents." I look down at my lap still feeling numb from sedatives I'm sure they gave me. The slight buzz and voices from the tv becomes more to my attention.

"You're a strong kid. . .Just take care of yourself, okay?" I nod and look up at the tv, now showing some sinkhole in Guatemala. And then he walks out the room.

Atleast I got to meet a cool doctor, right?

Back in current timing, I can't leave for a few days. I'm going on red alert in school, ya know the one where they watch you like a hawk. Can't do anything anymore. Probably have to eat in the fish bowl.

Ugh. Life's gonna suck for the next few weeks.

I look over at the now clicking open door. And guess who I see. My parents, Josh, and Hannah.
Hannah runs over with tear filled eyes and jumps onto my bed.

"Thank Jesus you're alive. I didn't wanna loose you Rissy." She almost yells out, crying into my shoulder. Josh scoffs half heartedly, but I see slight relief. Mom and dad have a look of pure anger in their eyes. Well, I'm fucked.

"Why. The fuck. would you do that?" Dad says, pinching the upper part of his nose.

"I don't know? Why do you think I tried to kill myself? It's not like my own father has near killed me more than once."

"I Was disciplining you! You ungrateful child." He had that reddish glow he gets when he's angry. "You should have died so we wouldn't have to put up with your disgusting shi-"

"STOP. " I hear a male voice yell. It's a teenage voice, and it's not what I would have ever expected. "Leave Her Alone. She tried to kill herself, don't you get that. She physically had the will to off herself. Get out! Now!" Josh yells, pushing dad backwards, away from me. Dad had the widest, most shocked, eyes I have ever seen in my life.

"This isn't over" dad mutters, before grabbing moms wrist angrily and dragging her out. Hannah just sits in the chair in the corner, looking as shocked as I am. Once the door was closed, he say down next to Hannah Looking exasperated.

"Don't ever do that again" he says, looking down at his lap"I can't loose another sibling, it'll be like Noah again. He died and thought I hated him" he says, sounding solemn but keeping a stone face on.

"You don't hate me?"I ask, looking at him in hopes that he will look up at me. And when he does I realize he's discretely holding back tears.

"You're my big sister, I can never hate you. I've been jealous of you. You had Noah's undying attention. I always wanted that. You were just so happy with yourself. And just now, I realized I've been hiding behind endless sluts. I've been hiding behind all that I know. Hiding from my friends who would judge me..." he trails off after saying that.

"what are you saying, Josh?"

"I'm...I'm Gay, Clarissa"

No Way In Hell.

Notes