It had been about four weeks since Frank had gone back to school. He was finding everything pretty hard. He had no time to do all his work and study for class tests and even if he did have enough time, he had no energy for it. He spent his days at school floundering in work that he didn’t understand and couldn’t be bothered to try to, and nights alone in his room chain smoking cigarette after cigarette, rushing through his homework often not finishing it or doing it so badly he wondered why he had even bothered. Frank spent the weekends shut up in his room strumming on his old guitar listlessly, wishing he had the motivation to play like he used to.

Every so often there would be a party and Frank would sneak out as soon as he was sure his mom had fallen asleep, spending the night drowning his sorrows with beer after beer and avoiding those that provided them. Frank noticed that Ray and Bob disapproved of him going to the parties but neglected to say anything about it, knowing it would get them nowhere. Instead they kept an eye on his alcohol consumption, kept him out of fights and when the sun was slowly rising on the horizon they would take the beer out of his hand and drag him out of the party, driving home and letting him crash on the floor of their bedrooms and sleep until past twelve. They would tolerate his hangover and kindly pretend they hadn’t heard him waking from his sleep and crying piteously in to his pillow. He would arrive home in the evenings and slope off to his room and into his bed, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep but preferring to face the wall all night than to face his mom’s disappointed face. She had practically given up on her son at this stage. He was barely eating and drinking enough to kill a man. He wouldn’t talk to her at all anymore and he was spiralling faster than he ever had done before. Frank’s mom had let him manage his medication by himself after about two weeks and was now regretting the decision enormously as she suspected Frank was ‘forgetting’ to take his medication practically every day. He was. He was also cutting more than ever but on his thighs as his mom had taken up the habit of checking his arms every day, much to his annoyance.

Frank was also going to see Gerard every Friday as was arranged. He felt as though he might as well not bother though. He knew however, if he didn’t go see Gerard, this whole thing would be taken out of his hands. Gerard had the power in this situation and that power could land Frank in the hospital if it looked like he wasn’t co-operating. He wouldn’t be able to stand that. Frank knew he would rather die than be sent away like that. He was miserable now but being miserable in a hospital was another thing entirely. However Frank knew that even though he was being made to see Gerard on a weekly basis, he didn’t have to actually talk to him. No one could physically make him move his mouth and speak. Frank was pretty happy with this arrangement and was determined to stick to it, much to Gerard’s annoyance.

---

It was Friday and Frank sloped into Gerard’s office, watching the pretty black haired woman walk out of the office and past him as usual. Frank crossed the room and sat in his usual seat, staring blankly back at Gerard who smiled at him. Gerard was extremely annoyed at Frank’s unwillingness to get better but was obviously unable to show it. He received calls from his mother every week updating him on how Frank had been doing that week. She spoke of parties and drinking and staying out all night. Frank’s mom also told Gerard about the late night crying that she couldn’t help but hear and told Gerard that although she was checking Frank’s arms every morning and there were no new cuts, she was sure he was still finding a way to do it somewhere she couldn’t see. She also expressed concern that Frank had started to stop taking his medication. It was obvious that Frank was on a huge downward spiral and was doing nothing to stop it. Gerard was determined for that to stop and the sooner the better.
He faced the young boy in front of him. Frank looked tired and pretty angry, like he couldn’t wait to get this over with. “So, how have you been?” Gerard asked, hoping for any other answer than ‘Fine.’ The room was silent for a few seconds before Frank spoke, sounding bitter and angry. “…Fine.”

Gerard sighed internally. That was not a good sign. He didn’t want this session to go like the last few, with Frank telling Gerard he was fine despite looking anything but and refusing to so much as nod or shake his head at Gerard’s questions. Gerard wanted to bang his head off his desk; instead he looked Frank in the eye and nodded. “Right, okay Frank. You’re fine. That’s great. I’m glad.” Frank nodded, although he was puzzled. Was Gerard finally buying his act? Would he finally be able to stop going to therapy? His heart sank when Gerard continued, “So fine that you’ve been totally ignoring your family, your friends, and your responsibilities? So fine that you’ve been sneaking out if the house every weekend and drinking till you’re nearly dead, scaring your mother and your friends half to death? Oh yeah, she told me. Don’t think she doesn’t know. And I’m sure you’re so fine that you’ve been cutting all the time whilst telling your mom you’ve stopped? Hmm? So fine that you’ve stopped taking your medication even though that is the one thing that could really help you right now? I can only do so much, Frank. We’re trying to help you and you’re just throwing it back in our faces. I’m sure that you think you’re fine, Frank, so fine that you don’t need those pills or these therapy sessions? Am I right?”
Frank nodded, slightly scared at Gerard’s outburst. Gerard was not shouting but talking fast and angrily, and somehow that was worse.

“Well let me tell you something, Frank. You are not okay. You’re not okay! You tried to kill yourself, remember? I’m pretty sure that attempting to take your own life is not constituted as being okay. You might was to try to hide from this, but you can’t, okay? You’ve got to accept was has happened and try to move on from it. I’ve seen so many people’s lives ruined from anxiety and depression and eating disorders. I’m sure they’d give anything to be in the position you’re in right now, Frank. Right back at the start, getting the opportunity to stop it all before it became too late. You have an opportunity to stop this Frank, before it is too late; before you die from this. Don’t think I’m exaggerating, cause I’m not. If you carry on like this, you will die; most probably by your own hand. I can’t let that happen, Frank. I’ve seen it happen too many times before. But I can’t help you if you don’t let me, if you don’t tell me how you really feel.”

Gerard ended his rant slightly breathless, all his anger pouring out into that one speech. He looked at Frank, waiting for his reaction. The boy in front of him was now harbouring his own anger. Frank angrily wiped his watery eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie and glared at Gerard angrily.

“You want to know how I feel? Really? Right, fuck it, fuck you. Here it is. I didn’t want to live and I think that was pretty fucking obvious but here I am, alive. I didn’t want to fucking be here anymore.” Frank spat, his anger showing properly for the first time since this incident. “I wanted to die and you all wouldn’t let me and it’s just…It’s not fair, you know? I didn’t particularly want to be born but dying isn’t even my choice anymore? Like, what’s up with that? I’m fucking miserable and it seems like everyone would just prefer that I stayed here, wanting to die and that’s somehow better cause I’m still technically alive, even though if I feel pretty much dead inside? Because that’s somehow better? I’m miserable but I’m here, I’m alive and I have to stay alive because the world doesn’t think it’s acceptable to die by your own hand? I should be allowed to die and you fuckers won’t let me!” By the end of his outburst Frank was breathing heavily, his watery eyes showing he was about to cry. He turned away from Gerard as a tear rolled down his face. He would normally have been embarrassed by crying in front of somebody but right now he was too angry to care. He quickly rubbed the tear away from his face roughly, the pressure causing his face to redden almost as much as his eyes which were now rimmed with tears that were threatening to spill over the edge. “Why won’t you just let me die?”

Gerard felt his heart wrench at the sight of the boy in front of him. Although he was trying to maintain a tough exterior at that moment, he was curled in on himself, tears running down his cheeks, sniffling and generally looking pretty pathetic. “Oh Frank.”

Gerard disregarded his clip board and pen and leapt from his seat. He made his way over to the chair Frank was perched on and sat on the arm of the chair, folding Frank’s now sobbing body into his chest. Frank leant into Gerard’s embrace and continued sobbing against his warm body. Gerard rubbed Frank’s back in soothing circles with one hand and stroked his hair with the other. “Shh Frank, it’s okay. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” He murmured softly. “It’s okay. I’m here.” After a few minutes of quiet sobbing Frank withdrew his head from Gerard’s body. They both instantly missed the feeling of the other’s body folded into their own. “Oh god”, Frank said apologetically, wiping his tears with the sleeves of his hoodie. “I’m sorry; I don’t know what came over me. I honestly don’t know where that came from.”

“Well I do. You’ve bottled up your emotions for so long that this was bound to happen sooner or later and actually, Frank, I’m glad it did. I know it’s awful having to put how you feel into words and facing how unhappy you are but the fact that you finally decided to tell me how you feel, really helps me a lot. Now I know how you feel I can do my best to help you…Assuming that is, that you do want my help? I want to help you; I can’t stand to see you this way. You deserve to be happy, I hope you know that. So you will accept my help won’t you, Frank?”

Frank looked at Gerard and nodded slightly before burying his head back into his therapist’s chest. Gerard sighed in relief, pleased that Frank had finally let out all his pent up feelings of anger. Gerard hoped he would now finally be able to start getting better. They remained like that as Frank's sobbing lessened until he was mostly silent apart from the occasional sob or sniffle and Gerard was holding him just because. Gerard continued to hold Frank until the hour was up and their session for that week was over, Frank returning the embrace by clinging to Gerard. For some reason Gerard felt the need to protect the young boy who had his head buried into his chest, even if the only thing Frank needed protection from was himself.

When Frank left the office for another week his eyes were still red and his face was flushed, yet he offered Gerard a small smile as he left. He felt slightly better, even if it was just from crying. Gerard was pleased that Frank had finally let out all his pent up feelings of anger and hatred towards himself. He hoped that from then on, Frank would finally be able to start putting himself back together.

---

Because Frank had stopped taking his medication for so long, Gerard had decided to double the dose to get him back on track, meaning for a short period Frank would have to take two pills twice daily instead of one. This left Frank feeling incredibly pissed off. I mean yeah he was sad, yeah he was suicidal but Jesus Christ, he wasn’t that bad, was he? Frank could hardly complain though, seeing as he had brought it on himself. Gerard and Linda had been in talks and Frank’s mom was now in charge of Frank’s medication once again. It made Frank feel like he actually was in a psych ward but once again, he knew he had brought this on himself. Frank’s mom also began to lock to doors and windows at night in an effort to stop Frank sneaking out to parties. She would also go to bed later in the evenings to try and make sure Frank didn’t leave the house. The lack of sleep was taking its toll on her. She started work as a nurse early and finished late and the fact that she was now getting even less sleep than before in a bid to stop her son’s self-destructive behaviours made Frank feel horribly guilty. The guilt become so hard to bear that he forced himself to make a conscious effort to stop sneaking out to the late night parties.

However spending the weekends cooped up inside under his mom’s watchful eyes made Frank want to climb up the walls. He began to smoke even more, missing the lack of drink he had been consuming for the past few weeks. Often he would hang about outside a liquor store and hope some random guy would take pity on him and buy him some alcohol with the money he waved at them. Often, they would take pity on Frank who looked so tired and miserable and buy him a bottle or two of vodka with the money he pushed into their hands. Frank would take the vodka down to his basement and drink it straight, finishing a bottle almost every night. Spending his nights alone in his basement drinking away his sorrows often led to Frank cutting, often getting deeper and deeper as the nights went on.

Spending all his time at home alone and all his time at school feeling pretty disconnected from his friends left Frank actually looking forward to his weekly sessions with Gerard. Pretty sad, huh? It would sound pretty sad to everyone that heard that but 1), Frank would never tell his friends he went to therapy, only by accident if he was particularly drunk and 2), in the mist of depression it was nice to talk to someone who actually understood what Frank was saying, or at least trying to say. His mom didn’t understand what Frank was dealing with on a daily basis but how could she if Frank barely understood it himself? All he knew was when he woke up he could be relatively happy or he could want to die. Throughout the day those feelings could change in an instant. However, most of the time he felt as though a black cloud was hanging over his head leaving him constantly miserable for no reason at all. He felt like he was drowning in the ocean and no one could see, he felt like he was stuck in a very large, deep hole and he couldn’t get out. There was no ladder, no helping hand, just him in the darkness. It had been that way for a very long time and it was getting harder and harder to handle. Frank didn’t know whether Gerard had ever been depressed so if he didn’t know what it truly felt like, but at least he knew through the use of books, years of studying and a lot of experience how he could help. Frank felt like he could now say whatever he felt to Gerard and he would understand what he meant. Every time Frank spoke to Gerard he felt as though he was letting out some of the black poison that was rotting his insides. Frank felt good to finally let out what he was feeling inside, however fucked up it may be or how miserable it made him sound and for that he was truly grateful to Gerard. He would still get days where he didn't want to talk at all which was frustrating to Gerard, thus making Frank feel guilty at wasting both his and Gerard's time, as well as his mother's money. But he just couldn't force himself to choke his words out even when he desperately wanted to. What he wanted most of all, aside for all this to go away, was the more realistic goal of having someone totally understand his feelings. He knew no one could achieve that, but with Gerard it seemed more possible every day. Gerard was the closest Frank had to someone totally understanding him and it wasn't half bad.

The fact that Gerard was the only person in Frank’s life right now that seemed to be at least making an effort to understand him totally and fully made Frank feel something for his therapist that he wasn’t sure he was supposed to. He felt a sort of admiration for Gerard, if that even made sense. Maybe not even an admiration but he thought of Gerard with reverence. He looked up to him as someone that could help when everyone else had failed. He really hadn't expected to feel that way about anyone, especially not his psychiatrist, as most of the time he just about tolerated the people he came into contact with. However, with Gerard it was different. He didn't just tolerate the time he had to spend with Gerard. He kind of enjoyed his company. Frank could even go so far as to say he liked spending time with Gerard which was even weirder than it could have been considering the situation they were both in. Maybe Frank would have found it easier to accept that he liked being with Gerard if he had met him in a coffee shop one day and they had bonded over their mutual love of punk bands and comics, all the while sipping hot coffees and laughing as the rain danced off the windows outside. Maybe it would have been a lot easier to accept if Frank had met Gerard in school one day; if he was the new boy that slinked into math class late and sat beside Frank, making him laugh under his breath at his comments at the teachers and students around them. Maybe, just maybe, meeting Gerard under normal circumstances like that would make Frank feel better, more comfortable at having these feelings for him. But unfortunately, they hadn’t met at school or in a coffee shop. They had met at past two in the morning under the flicker of bright lights of a hospital as a bruised and battered Frank tried to pretend he hadn’t really meant to kill himself, honest.

Frank wondered if perhaps he felt something more than reluctant acceptance towards Gerard as he had been the one to finally recognise the fact that he was not okay and try to help him. Maybe that was all it was. He wasn’t even sure if he ‘like, liked’ Gerard at this stage. All he knew was he felt something towards him he hadn’t felt towards another person in a long time. Most of the time Frank felt everything at once, or nothing at all. It made it hard for him to keep track of how he really felt, if anything. Most of the time he had a hard time knowing if what he was feeling was a normal reaction or not. Most of the time, he didn’t feel anything. But when he was around Gerard his emotions went into overdrive. Frank didn’t know why that was. All he knew was he kept thinking of the time Gerard had held him as he cried; thinking about how safe he had felt and wishing that he could feel it again. Frank had not let anyone hold him like that for a long time, not even his mother. But when Gerard held him, it felt like everything in the world was right at that moment. Like he said, Frank was not sure if he felt like that just because Gerard had been helping him and he admired him for that, or if it was something deeper. All he knew was when he was alone in his room, sobbing into his pillow, the pressure of just wishing he could fucking die already weighing on his heart and crushing him, the thought of Gerard’s calming voice that seemed to hold the solution to all his problems, calmed him down. It was an extremely weird feeling for Frank but he wanted to try and accept it. Because if Gerard could help him that much, no matter how weird that was for Frank, it couldn’t be a bad thing, could it?

---

Similarly, Gerard had been feeling something towards Frank that was different to the way he usually felt towards his patients. He usually felt empathy towards them, of course he did. He was a naturally empathetic person, which was probably why his job suited him so much, but with Frank it was different. Frank looked so broken that it was hard for Gerard’s heart not to wrench at the sight of him. It hurt him to hear Frank speak about the self-loathing he felt day in, day out. It made him feel as though someone had taken a hold of his heart and was slowly squeezing it whenever Frank spoke about how he wished he had died that night and how he still wished he could. Frank was still suicidal and that was a huge concern to everyone involved in helping him. If Frank’s suicidal ideation didn’t stop soon, action would have to be taken. That was a thought Gerard could not stand. He didn’t want Frank to be taken away from him. He had his own selfish reasons. He liked Frank, he liked his company. He enjoyed speaking with him and he felt it was extremely important for him to help him. Gerard also knew because it had taken quite a while for Frank to open up to him if he was taken to a hospital to make sure he would not be able to hurt himself again, he would find it incredibly hard to open up to someone again, when he had been taken away from the only person he had begun to trust.

It had taken Gerard about five weeks to get Frank to open up to him and even to do that it had taken a lot of patience and eventually a screaming match. Gerard knew that doctors in hospitals operated differently than he did. They would not have the patience to wait for someone like Frank to open up to them. Either they would push until he clammed up entirely or assume that Frank did not want to be helped and give up on him practically straight away. It had taken five weeks for Frank to start opening up to Gerard. Five sessions of cold, empty silence as Frank tried to keep the thoughts inside his head locked up. If Frank was taken out of Gerard’s care and sent somewhere else he would feel betrayed, anyone would. Therefore, Gerard knew it would take a lot longer than five weeks for Frank to start to speak. He would be classed as difficult even if he wasn’t directly trying to be. Being difficult in places like that led to consequences. Even if Frank opened up quickly, Gerard couldn’t stand the thought of Frank being sent away, no matter how long it was for and Gerard guessed it would be a pretty long time. Frank couldn’t be helped until he started to speak which meant Frank would be away from him for a couple of weeks minimum, even before he started to accept help.

Gerard had had patients like Frank before. Kids, no older than Frank who were angry at the world and took it out on themselves. He also recognised that Frank had somehow latched on to him, and trusted him to help him. It would not have been noticeable to other people if they had observed one of their sessions, but Gerard was trained in these matters. Frank treated Gerard the same as he treated everyone else, but Gerard knew from certain little behaviours, such as relaxing ever so slightly once Gerard started to speak to him, that Frank trusted Gerard to help him. Gerard could tell that Frank had not trusted anyone in a long time. He was determined not to abuse that trust. He wanted to help Frank as best he could. He didn't want to have to send him away if things got too hard.

Frank was young but at the same time he was barely younger than Gerard. Still he was too young to have troubles like this. Despite the fact that Gerard was barely older than Frank he was still older, if just by five years. Because of that he felt a need to protect Frank from his self-destructive thoughts and behaviours. He was a good doctor, he knew he was. He hoped he would be good enough to help Frank. Gerard was still on the first year of his job and so far, he had not lost a patient yet. Still, he knew of many horrors stories; patients not turning up to their appointments and later being found in their homes, dead from drug use or overdoses or slit wrists. Gerard knew something like that could ruin his career. If a patient was deemed safe to live in the outside world by their doctor, then later found dead it would be their fault as it was their responsibility to keep them safe. However, Gerard didn’t care about the risks of his career as some doctors did. All he cared about was the welfare of his patients, most of all Frank. Frank was of the most threat to himself right now out of the few young people he was caring for at that moment. Gerard could tell that Frank was trying and he appreciated that. He also knew that although Frank was trying, he was close to giving up. It was obvious that Frank still did not want to live. Gerard knew that the road to recovery for Frank was going to be an extremely difficult one.

Gerard knew that if Frank didn’t stop feeling suicidal pretty soon, he would have to take action as his doctor to make him as safe as possible, even if that meant Frank would be sent to the Belleville Psych unit for a while. Gerard knew that for some patients like Frank this wouldn’t help, but he knew he had to try. He would try everything he could to make Frank’s bad feelings go away but if they didn’t, that would be the only option, regardless if it helped Frank or not. Gerard knew Frank would hate to be sent away and honestly, Gerard knew he would hate it too. He wanted to be around Frank, keeping him safe for as long as possible. Gerard was often kept awake at night as Lindsey slept peacefully at his side, racking his brains for ways to help Frank. He felt protective towards him but he also wondered if he felt something more than that.

Helping Frank was Gerard’s main concern right now and he spent more time thinking about him than any of his other patients. Gerard didn’t know why that was, but he assumed he felt more compelled to help Frank than his other patients as he was still a relatively inexperienced doctor and out of all of those he was helping, Frank was the only one that was suicidal. As a matter of fact, Frank was the first suicidal person Gerard had started to help. He cared about him a lot but Gerard could not decide if he 1), just felt protective over the younger boy, 2), was fond of him and slightly proud that Frank had chosen him to be the one to open up to after all this time, or 3), felt something else towards him. Gerard didn’t want to think about it. He knew if he did things would become even more complicated than they already were.

Notes

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