Disenchanted

The next few days passed quickly. All of a sudden it was Sunday evening and Frank was sitting on his bed surrounded by school work. Bob and Ray had been texting him the homework throughout the week and like the idiot he was, he had left it all until the very last minute. Although his mom had assured him his teachers would not expect Frank to have any of the work done; Frank was determined to finish at least some of it. He didn’t want to arrive at school having nothing done and feeling overwhelmed as soon as he entered his first class. He knew that his teachers knew why he had been absent from school, yet he didn’t want to appear totally helpless to them. And yet as he sat on his bed surrounded by the work he had yet to do, overwhelmed was exactly how he felt. He sat with his head in his heads and pushed the books away. Fuck it. He’d be a failure like always.

He glanced at the clock and saw that it was already midnight. He knew he wouldn’t get anymore done that night. Frank sighed and turned over in his bed, letting some of the books fall to the floor. He didn’t bother to get changed, or brush his teeth or even turn out the light. He simply pulled the covers over his head and stared at the wall, trying not to focus on the light surrounding him. He knew he should get up and turn off the light but the thought of actually having to get out of bed and walk on his aching bones was too much to handle. He simply squeezed his eyes shut and thankfully, was asleep within minutes.

Frank woke a few hours later from a nightmare. His hands were clammy and he had an instant headache. He noticed the sun streaming through the window and he glanced at his alarm clock, trying to make out the flashing lights in the dark. The tiny red figures told him it was just past 5AM. In the night someone had turned his light off and pulled the blankets around his shoulder. Mama had also found her way into his room in the night and was sleeping soundly at Frank’s feet. Frank sighed, realising once he was up, he was up for good. Although his eyes were heavy with sleep and he’d like nothing more than to fall back asleep, he knew it would be pointless, so instead he leant over his bed and picked up a random school book, flipping to the page he wanted and grabbing a pen. He spent the next two hours biting his pen and floundering in work whilst smoking cigarette after cigarette, the smoke clouding his room and seeping out into the hallway.

It was half seven when his mom came to wake him up. She was surprised to see him already awake and surrounded by books but didn’t comment on it. Frank was both surprised and annoyed when he realised how much time had passed but was still dissatisfied with the amount of work he had gotten done. He had decided to start on the assignments that were due that day and planned to do the rest another time but had still barely scratched the surface of all the work that was. He knew his mom was right, and that he wouldn’t be expected to have his work in on time like everyone else but he was still annoyed, thinking that this was one more thing that made him a failure. He gave a grunt of anger and pushed his books to the floor in annoyance and began to get ready. He took a shower in the hopes that it would wake him up, however he was still surrounded by a fog of fatigue when he trudged down to the kitchen in search of coffee. He sat slumped in his seat clutching a steamy mug of coffee and taking small careful bites out of a red apple. He was wearing his usual skinny jeans and his battered black converse as well as a Black Flag t shirt with a long sleeved gray t shirt underneath. He took the pill his mother gave him and dumped the rest of the apple into the bin, not having the energy to eat the rest of it. He ignored the disapproving look his mother gave him and sloped out of the door. Checking the clock he realised he was running late so he made his way upstairs to pack his bag. He dipped into his bathroom on the way down stairs and studied his face in the mirror for a few seconds and sighed at what he saw, feeling more disheartened than ever. In the time since the accident he had somehow become even paler than before as well as gaining a few spots to his normally clear skin. He had bags under his eyes that were larger than ever before and he looked absolutely drained. His hair was limp and looked greasy even though he was showered the night before. Although he didn’t die the night he had tried to kill himself, it was as if the life had drained out of him all the same. He looked like the walking dead. Frank tutted in self-disgust at his reflection and left the bathroom, unable to bear looking at his reflection a minute longer.

He grabbed his school bag and trotted down the stairs, calling goodbye softly to his mom before slamming the door. He fished his earphones from his pocket and plugged them into his iPod then jammed them into his ears and turned on some Smashing Pumpkins. The walk to school took about twenty minutes and Frank had about ten minutes to get there however he couldn’t walk faster even if he wanted to; he was just too tired. He probably should have left the house earlier or even accepted the offer his mom had given him the night before to drive him to school but it was too late now. Frank normally would have driven to school himself in his own car and used to extra few minutes he saved to spend a few more minutes in bed. However that wasn’t an option anymore as he didn’t have a car right now for obvious reasons and he didn’t want to accept his mom’s offer to drive him because 1), he was a teenager and therefore embarrassed by his parents in every single way by everything they did, and 2), he didn’t want to bother his mom. She usually started work a little later than Frank started school so he didn’t want to disturb the on time of the day she got to be alone for a few minutes in an empty house to do whatever she wanted, whether it was to sleep or wake up earlier to do a few chores before she left about an hour after Frank.

That morning she had disregarded her lie in to make sure her son took his pills and actually went to school. She knew Frank had often stayed off school in the past for days at a time, leaving the house to ‘go to school’ and come back when he was sure she was gone. He hadn’t been caught yet. Linda was determined not to let that happen again. Similarly Frank knew he could easily hang around the town until his mom left for work then come straight home as soon as he was sure she was gone. He knew he could do this but this time he decided he wouldn’t. He knew his mom would probably ring up his school just in case and surely find out he wasn’t there. He couldn’t face her disappointed face yet again. He knew she was close to giving up on him but he was determined not to let that happen. He destroyed himself from his depression but he was determined not to destroy his mother.

Frank reached the school far sooner than he’d have liked. He shuffled to his locker keeping his eyes focused on the floor the whole time. He reached his locked and was quietly shoving his books inside when he was ambushed and shoved forcefully into the locker. Frank swallowed hard, trying not to cry out from the pain of the impact of the locker against his shoulder. He braced himself for whatever onslaughts of insults were coming his way. Instead he heard the goofy laughter of Bob who was sounding very happy about hurting Frank and the irritated sounds of Ray chiding Bob for hurting Frank when he had been off sick. The bell went and Frank rolled his eyes at Bob’s childish humour and Ray’s need to protect him, and fell into step with his two friends as they made their way to their first class. It was History and Frank was happier than ever that the class would be spent with his two friends. The day passed with Bob’s jokes that were so bad they were almost good and Ray’s excited chatter about the new guitar riff he had learnt. They didn’t ask much about Frank’s absence and for that he was glad. The few questions they did ask, Frank was able to give them short, non-specific answers that they seemed satisfied with. Frank skipped lunch to smoke, hoping it would ease his anxiety which was at an all-time high from being back in school.

Throughout the day he didn’t miss the concerned looks from his teachers and the carefully measured actions they took around him, such as handing him a worksheet ever so carefully as if the slightest thing would set him off in a breakdown. Despite this and the quickened beating in his heart every time he was around too many people at once or in a class without Ray or Bob in it, he spent the majority of the day nestled in between his two friends as they told jokes or made fun of each other. Frank was nervous, jittery and undeniably sad throughout the entire day, however his friends beside him made Frank’s day slightly more bearable.

Notes

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