Disenchanted

t was Thursday afternoon when Frank’s phone rang, The Misfits ringing through the silence of the house. Linda had taken Mama for a walk and Frank was alone, a rare occurrence these days. He was sure his mother would be back soon though. She obviously didn't trust Frank on his own anymore. At first she had tried to force Frank to come with her whilst walking the dog, and had only gone out after Mama had started to make a fuss and Frank had flat out refused to leave the house. Knowing that her son was stubborn and once he had made up his mind about something, it couldn’t be changed, as well as a dog desperate to go to the bathroom had caused her to leave stressed and annoyed. Frank knew she'd be back within ten minutes and would be praying that Frank was safe the whole time she was gone. The phone screen lit up as Keith Morris sang, displaying a number Frank wasn’t familiar with. Then again, he only had about five contacts in his phone and even then one of them was his mom’s. He wasn’t exactly popular and that was fine with him. He didn’t exactly love texting or talking on the phone either, so having friends that rarely did either, suited him fine. Frank answered the phone lazily and immediately felt his face heat up when he recognised the voice begin to speak on the end of the line. “Hey Frank, it’s Gerard. Remember, from the other night?”

Frank’s faced burned as he racked his brains, desperately trying to figure out 1) why Gerard was calling him and 2) why he even had his number in the first place. A memory came to mind and Frank vaguely remembered Gerard giving his mom his business card with his work number and the address of his office displayed on it before quickly tearing a page from his yellow legal pad and scrawling his number on the page and passing it to Frank, telling him “in case it’s an emergency, you feel like doing something bad again, or you know, if you just need to talk.” Frank was glad he was alone at that moment as his face began to flush. His mom seeing his reaction to hearing Gerard’s voice would be more than embarrassing, that’s for sure. He didn’t even know why he was blushing so badly, it wasn’t like he liked Gerard. Sure he was nice to him, really nice in fact, but he probably just felt sorry for him. He had just tried to kill himself after all. Besides, Gerard was a doctor and he was still in school. Gerard was probably in his early thirties or something even though he didn’t look a day over twenty, surely he wouldn’t have still for silly little school boys and their problems.

“Oh…Um, uh…Hey?” answered Frank, trying to keep his confusion as to why Gerard was calling him out of his voice. He guessed it hadn’t really worked when he heard Gerard laugh on the other end of the line. “Hey,” Gerard said again, hi smile evident in his voice. “I just called to remind you that you have an appointment tomorrow. I didn’t want you to forget. You remember where my office is, right? I told you before you left. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't remember though. You were pretty out of it.” Frank guessed Gerard was right. He probably was pretty out of it at that stage cause he didn't even remember Gerard arranging an a definite appointment for them to meet, let alone Gerard telling him where his office was located. Frank didn't want Gerard to know that though. He wanted to seem like he was in control. Instead he made a mental note to dig through his mom’s purse when he got off the phone and figure out where Gerard’s office was. He wasn’t letting his mom drive him there, not for anything. The only thing worse than having an appointment at a psychiatrist’s office was having your mom brings you to your appointment at a psychiatrist’s office.

Frank nodded to himself before realising Gerard couldn’t seem him over the phone. “Oh, uh yeah, yeah, I do.” He replied hastily, flustered, his face flushing even more which he hadn’t even thought was possible at that stage. Frank felt like his face was on fire. Even though he couldn’t even see Gerard over the phone, his voice was enough. It was strangely attractive, even without a body attached to it. It was the type of voice that was comforting without being patronising and Frank just wanted Gerard to keep talking, feeling like it calmed him. He slipped down onto the sofa he had been sitting on to get more comfortable, and inwardly wished Gerard would want to have a full conversation. Frank hated speaking on the phone, every one of his friends and family knew that about him, but in this case he’d suffer through it. Already he wanted to hear what Gerard’s voice was like when it wasn’t being solemn, but when it was being light and carefree. Frank had already gotten a chuckle out of Gerard, and now he wanted a laugh.

“Ok, good,” Gerard replied “I’m glad. So I’ll see you tomorrow Frank, okay?” asked Gerard, sounding like he was asking for reassurance more than anything else. Frank started to nod again before he caught himself and answered Gerard probably. “Uh, yes. You will.” Frank could almost hear the grin in Gerard’s voice when he answered him. “I’m glad. And please, don’t sound so nervous. It’s just therapy. It’s not so scary once you get going, and I’m just some random guy, remember, I’m no one to be scared of.” Gerard’s words were meant to comfort Frank but they just made him more nervous. Gerard was anything but some random guy. He was a nice guy, and Frank wanted to tell him that. But he knew he’d come out of it sounding like a bumbling idiot so he stayed quiet, not even bothering to assure Gerard he had plenty of experience with therapy before. Instead Frank stayed quiet. After a few seconds Gerard’s voice came from the other end of the phone, more serious this time, more quiet. “You can tell me anything, you know.” For some reason those words scared Frank. “Yes,” was all he mumbled in reply, before quickly hanging up the phone and swallowing hard. “But I won’t.”

Although he did not want to speak to another doctor for as long as he lived, if Frank absolutely had to speak to one, he was glad it would be Gerard. Something about the older man with his raven hair and his hoodie that smelt like cigarette smoke comforted him. He didn’t look old enough to be a doctor. He just looked like one of those slightly older kids that would go to the same parties as Frank and buy beer for the younger kids. Something about that comforted him, and although Frank knew Gerard probably wasn’t one of those kids, at least not at the parties he’d been to, he still felt slightly safer in Gerard’s hands. Something told him they were the same in a lot of ways. Frank couldn’t quite pinpoint why he felt that way but the thought was enough alone. One day he’d find out more about him and figure out if his theories were correct. Frank barely remembered the night he crashed his car and so that made it distinctly harder to remember what Gerard looked like. You’d think something so horribly scarring would have left its mark of Frank’s mind forever, but truth be told, he was out of it on so many pain meds by the time he’d met Gerard he could barely remember a thing. All he remembered was a mess of raven black hair, and the way Gerard talked slightly more with the right side of his mouth. Frank knew it was a habit Gerard had accumulated by speaking with a cigarette in his mouth. He had seen so many other people doing the same thing, but it had never been cute the way it was with Gerard.

Thinking about Gerard’s appearance
caused Frank to look down at himself. For the past few days he had been lounging around, either curled up in bed or hanging out of his bedroom window chain smoking cigarette after cigarette. He had been wearing the same few clothes and hadn’t showered in days, much less washed his hair. He was perfectly aware that his hair was sticking up at all angles at this stage and that he probably stank. Frank made a mental note to shower in the morning, knowing if he didn’t do it soon, his mom was about to fumigate the place. He also began to go through an inventory of his clothes in his mind, wondering what was clean, what was dirty and what was passable. He was a mess but he didn’t want to appear that way to Gerard, at least not anymore. Frank didn’t know why he was suddenly bothered about what he looked like considering he had started to look homeless over the last few days. He just knew that there was something inside him that desperately wanted Gerard to like him and Frank knew that a shower and some clean clothes could only assist him in that.

Frank woke up the next day and immediately wanted to roll over and die. Either that or just sleep for an eternity. One thing he knew for definite was he definitely didn’t want to get up today and face Gerard. He lay in bed, willing himself to fall back asleep until his mom eventually entered his room and coaxed him out of bed. Frank trudged to the bathroom and took his first shower in a few days, hating how heavy he felt. His head thumped with another random headache, he always got them. Hoping a shower would wake him up a bit, but secretly knowing it wouldn’t, he turned the water to scolding hot and stood under the shower head, watching as his tattooed but pale skin turned pink under the heat of the water. He turned his head in the direction of the shower head and closed his eyes, letting the water slide over his face and flatten his now wet hair over his face. Frank was brought back to attention by the water hitting his cuts. He hissed and pulled his thighs away from the water, turning his back to the steady stream and trying to blink back his tears. He had forgotten how much that could hurt. He washed his body quickly, carefully avoiding his searing skin, then washed his hair, letting his fingers tug through its knots and pulling some out in the process. Frank sighed at the strands of hair in his fingers and sighed. Even his fucking hair was a mess. Frank thrust his fingers under the shower head and let the water rinse away the stray hairs, wishing he could go down the drain with them. He stood under the stream of water for a while longer until the water gradually got colder and colder. When he could no longer stand the temperature, he turned the shower off and stepped out. Wrapping a nearby towel around his waist and dumping his dirty clothes in the washing basket, he left the room before the steam that coated the bathroom mirror could clear.

Normally when Frank got out of the shower he would dump the towel on the floor and walk around naked while his picked his clothes out. There were no mirrors in his room to fear or shy away from. However, cause of his mom’s brilliant idea to remove his door, he couldn’t do that anymore. Frank knew his mom was downstairs; he could hear her making coffee whilst Mama barked at her heels, but even so he didn’t want to risk dressing in his room like he usually did. He quickly picked out a black t shirt, his skinny jeans and some underwear and dashed into the bathroom to dress, keeping the towel wrapped around his waist. Thankfully the mirror was still steamed up and Frank didn’t have to face the reflection he hated so much. Once he was dressed Frank rubbed the wet towel through his even wetter hair for a minute or so, knowing it would dry by itself soon enough but giving it a helping hand. He threw the wet towel on the top of the shower’s glass door and made his way to his room to grab a hoodie. He shrugged one on before sauntering down the stairs for breakfast. Frank was halfway downstairs when he realised he was wearing the hoodie Gerard had given him. Frank smiled slightly to himself, realising he had picked it up almost automatically and pulled the sleeves down over his hands before bringing them up to sniff Gerard’s comforting smell. Frank had been wearing the hoodie a lot over the past few days and now Gerard and Frank’s respective smells were intermingled.

When Frank entered the kitchen Linda turned around and gave him a small smile, her eyes glancing over at his hoodie and recognising it as her co-worker’s. Frank slipped into his usual seat at the kitchen table and scooped up Mama who was scrabbling at the legs on the chair, anxious to be picked up. Frank sat Mama up on his lap and smiled as she looked up at him, appreciatively licking his chin and looking around her, curious to observe everything at this new height. Linda poured her son a cup of coffee, black the way he liked it, and set it down on the table beside him, placing one of his pills at the side of the mug. “Thanks.” muttered Frank, not meaning it at all. He swallowed his words, wanting to comment on the fact that he was seventeen years old and could manage to take the pills himself; but he kept quiet. Frank and his mom had already had the same argument at least twice this week and Frank didn’t have the energy for another fight. Frank just wished his mom would trust him enough to keep the pills in his room but he knew that right now that wasn’t going to happen. He just had to accept the fact that for the moment his mom was going to keep his pills for the foreseeable future and dish them out to him at breakfast and dinner; making him feel like a child twice more than usual.
Frank wanted to wait until his coffee had cooled down to take his pill but he knew his mom would see that as him resisting and being difficult and besides, he couldn’t stand the feel of her eyes on his back for a second longer. Instead Frank blew on the coffee inside his cup to cool it and swallowed the pill with a gulp, scalding his tongue and wincing. However it was worth it when Linda turned away to the kitchen counter and grabbed her own coffee, satisfied. At least she had stopped asking him to open his mouth and show her that he had taken them after a few days. Thank goodness for small miracles. Linda sat down at the table with her own cup of coffee, this one with milk. She reached over to scratch Mama’s ears and turned to her son. “Frank, do you remember what today is?”

“It’s Friday.” Frank answered simply, causing Linda to roll her eyes, with both annoyance and fondness for her son. “Yes, okay, it’s Friday. But do you remember what you have to do today?” She leaned towards Frank, her elbows leaning on the table and her nails clasped around her mug of coffee, the once long nails now bitten to stubs. “Yeah, mom,” answered Frank, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. He wasn’t twelve years old, honest. “I have that appointment thing with Ger-Doctor Way. He rang me yesterday to remind me,” Frank let the information in, trying to spite his mother but realising what he had confessed might have sounded a little weird, just a little too late. Fortunately for him, his mother continued to sip for coffee blankly, unfazed. “Yes, he told me that,” she said simply, leaving Frank to wonder what the hell she was talking about. Frank cocked his head to the side, questioning when his mother had spoken to his doctor. Linda saw this and sighed, deciding to explain. “He rang me yesterday when I was walking Mama.” Hearing her name, Mama looked from Frank to Linda, her small tongue hanging out of her mouth making her look permanently excited. Noticing Mama’s face, Linda smiled at her chubby little dog. “Yes baby, mom’s talking about you,” she cooed at her before turning back to her son. “But yeah, he rang me yesterday. He said had just spoken to you beforehand. He thinks you’re probably going to be pretty nervous about the whole thing...Are you?” Linda asked, leaving the question open for Frank to answer. Frank focused on hugging Mama to his chest to avoid looking his mom in the eye. He nodded. “Well yeah, I guess. Like, it’s been a while since I’ve done anything like this before, so…” he trailed off, unable to explain himself. Linda nodded sympathetically. “I know sweetie, but it’ll be okay. People are always nervous before these things. This could really help you. You want that, don’t you?” She cocked her head to the side, waiting for his answer.

“I mean, I guess, but…Oh, never mind.” Frank trailed off. He wanted to convince his mom he was fine, he didn’t need to go to fucking therapy. He wanted to escape all this. It was all his fault that he was in this situation. He was the one that had fucked up, no one else. He cursed himself for fucking up the night he had crashed his car. He couldn’t even kill himself properly. What was up with that?! Linda noticed Frank’s sudden change of mood and she looked at him worriedly, looking like she wanted to talk about this more but was cut off by Frank scraping his chair back and standing up from the table, Mama jumping off his lap. He glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall. It was 10AM. “What time’s the appointment or whatever at, mom?”

“Not till eleven, Frank,” she tried to reassure him. “We don’t have to leave just yet. It shouldn’t take that long to get there.” Frank pulled a face, wanting to avoid his next question. “Oh…Right. The thing is…Can’t I, you know, just go by myself?” Frank blurted out. His mom looked more curious than anything. “Why do you want to go by yourself Frank? Don’t you want me to drive you?”

“No, no it’s fine. I just…I’d like to walk if that’s alright, clear my head, give me a bit of time to think. I mean, you said it’s not far, so…” he trailed off, waiting for his mom’s response. She looked up to him. “I suppose I can see why you’d want some time alone after we’ve both been stuck in the house together these past few days, but I’m sure you can see it from my point of view as well Frank. I don’t want you on your own, especially not in a car. I’m sure you can understand that, right? Can I trust you, Frank? If I let you go on your own you will go, won’t you? I won’t get a call saying you never turned up, will I? Because if I do, I know I won’t be able to trust you anymore. This is your one chance to make you believe you’ll be okay on your own, alright?” Frank nodded. “Yeah, I will. I mean you won’t. Ugh, you know what I mean.” Frank resisted the urge to roll his eyes at his mom. “I’ll go. I promise. I just want some time on my own.” She sighed. “Okay, Frank. I’ll trust you this once but if you do anything, they’ll be war. And don’t go anywhere near my car!”

“Thanks, mom,” he replied, offering a small smile to his mother and voluntarily picking up a small piece of toast from the kitchen table which caused his mom to smile slightly. “I’d better set off now if I want to get there on time. It’s gonna take a while to walk there and I don’t have a car anymore so…” He laughed awkwardly, his sense of humour failing to impress his mom. He stopped laughing when he caught sight of her blank expression. “Well…See you later.”
“Come straight home after Frank, alright?” called his mother.” Wait, you remember where his office is, don’t you?” she worried. “Yeah,” he replied. He had taken the business card Gerard had given his mom and it was sitting in his pocket, ready to lead him exactly where he didn’t want to go to talk about things he’d rather never speak of again. “Bye mom,” Frank shouted over his shoulder and slammed the door after him.

He shoved his earphones in and walked past the house, not noticing his mom watching him from the sitting room window. He ate a few bites of the toast on his way into the city, as Green Day blared in his ears, throwing the rest to the birds who littered the New Jersey streets. Frank felt uncomfortable and on edge at being out in public for the first time in a few days. He knew he was being totally self-absorbed and ridiculous, but it was as if he could feel a thousand pairs of eyes on his back as he hurried along. He could almost hear the sneers of those around him; almost hear the whispers commenting on his hair, his weight; his tattoos. He longed to be safe in his warm bed, covered with a mound of sheets instead of walking towards a therapy appointment with a doctor who made his heart beat faster than it should. His heart began to beat faster and he began to feel sicker and sicker as he reached the building that contained Gerard’s office, the few bites of toast he had stomached, churning inside him. He quickly reached the office building and pulled the door handle open with his clammy hands, feeling the warm air of the building flush his face.

Shit, this was it. He was fucking scared.

Notes

This is the last of what I've written so far. I usually write at the weekend but I'm going to Mayday Parade on Saturday. I also have a lot of school work right now but hopefully I'll be able to update within a week :)