Disenchanted
Chapter Thirty Seven
It was about half an hour before the orderlies thought to check Gerard’s office. The thought hadn’t crossed their minds before then and why should it; Gerard wasn’t there anymore and none of the orderlies searching for Frank really knew how strong Frank and Gerard’s relationship had been. All they knew was Doctor Way had had an inappropriate relationship with Frank and Doctor Way was no longer working at the hospital anymore because of this. They had been floundering in their attempt to find Frank, knowing if he wasn’t found those in charge would have their heads. They also knew the longer Frank was missing; it was more likely for him to be in danger. However when they finally found him, nothing could have prepared them for what they saw.
One of the orderlies had had the bright idea of thinking like Frank, knowing they’d more likely be able to find him that way. That lead to them smacking their heads and wondering why they hadn’t thought of checking Gerard’s office sooner. It was somewhere Frank might have gone to feel safe, to feel like he was somehow still with Gerard, and checking it was worth a shot.
Upon entering the room they saw the bodies straight away and the sight made their hearts stop, and a shiver run down their spines. Then, everything went into overdrive. Seeing the bottles of alcohol and the empty bottles of pills beside both Frank and Gerard, as well as vomit on the floor and crusted around their mouths, it was obvious what had happened. They shouted for help and rushed to the bodies, checking for heartbeats, their own hearts thundering in terror.
They pulled Frank’s tiny body away from Gerard’s and one of the orderlies picked him up, holding him in his arms, his body limp, his arms dangling, his head lolling back. One of the orderlies picked the slightly heavier Gerard up and slung his body over their shoulder. They didn’t even think about the heavy weights they were holding as they rushed down the stairs, out of the ward and into the actual hospital below, the adrenaline making both Frank and Gerard feel light as a feather.
They attracted attention as they rushed down the stairs, other patients seeing them, their eyes widening in shock, babbling to one another about what they had seen. None of them had really knew Frank; he mostly kept to himself in the past months he had been in the institution, preferring Gerard’s company. However many of the older patients felt fond of the kid with the dead eyes that sometimes played guitar for them, the boy who seemed so much younger and more innocent. Seeing Frank in such a state and not knowing whether he was even still alive shook those who saw the scene to the very core. Soon the ×news spread over the ward and everyone knew. The nurses tried to keep everyone from getting worked up over what they had just witnessed but it was no use, an unsettling silence settled over the floor as the people Frank had lived with for the past few months of his life, waited for ×news.
Both Frank and Gerard had faint pulses, so faint that it seemed they may peter away at any time. The orderlies entered A & E and shouted for help, the unusual sight attracting enough attention as it was. They told the first doctor they saw what had happened and within seconds, Frank and Gerard were taken from the orderly’s arms and wheeled away, the doctors knowing that if they didn’t act fast it would be too late in a matter of minutes. The orderlies walked back upstairs, not knowing what else to do but go back to their jobs. They were shaken up and worrying that their efforts to save Frank and Gerard had not been enough.
Whilst the doctors tried to save Frank and Gerard, their families were rung. Mikey was called for Gerard, Linda for Frank. Mikey was walking home from work when he got the call. He juggled with his bag and his phone, as well as some milk Alicia wanted him to pick up, cursing the fact that he didn’t have more hands. When he finally answered the phone he was breathless and annoyed. He didn’t even bother checking who was calling him and so was surprised when he answered the phone to a sympathetic voice. “Hello, is that Michael Way?” The voice asked him. Confused, Mikey pulled the phone away from his ear and saw that the number that was calling him was saved in his contacts as the local hospital, the one where his brother had worked for the past year or so. Oh shit, oh shit, what’s happened? “Yes, it is…What’s going on?” There was a pause before the voice on the other end spoke again. “I’m afraid I have some upsetting ×news. Your brother, Gerard Way, has been involved in an incident…”
Mikey listened to the woman’s voice, feeling worse and worse with every word she spoke. His brother had been involved in an incident; to be more specific, he’d tried to kill himself. He’d tried to kill himself with Frank. With every new piece of information the woman on the phone gave him, Mikey felt worse and worse. He felt like his throat was closing up. His older brother, the one who always protected him and took care of him, had tried to kill himself. His older brother, who had been so strong over these past few months, didn’t want to live anymore. Memories of Mikey’s childhood flashed in his head; his brother struggling with depression brought on by alcoholism, crying on the floor of his basement bedroom, his eyes red from tears, shaking from withdrawal; his brother being angry, yelling at Mikey, staying out until all hours of the night to get wasted at party after party, going even when he didn’t even know the person whose party is was. It didn’t matter to him; all that mattered was where the next drink was coming from. Mikey thought of his brother stealing money, raiding their parents’ drinks cabinet, desperate to get his next drink. Mikey thought about Gerard’s mood swings, his dependency on alcohol.
One night Mikey had even found Gerard stood outside their house in the middle of the road, his eyes glazed over as he stared into space, not even noticing the cars swerving to avoid him and yelling abuse as they passed. Mikey helped him inside that night and told him about it when Gerard was slightly more sober (he was never fully sober at that time, but just enough so he’d understand). It was then Gerard knew he had to quit. Drinking was making him suicidal and even though he had wanted to die, knowing he was so close to it without even being aware of it, scared him a little. It was then he decided he couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t continue to hurt Mikey.
His withdrawal was the hardest thing he had ever had to do, but Mikey was there with him every step of the way. Mikey thought of that now as he held his phone in his hand, reeling from the ×news he had just been told. His older brother had been so strong since then. But recently he had started drinking again and Mikey had ignored it; bitterly trying not to care. He had watched his brother relapse and done nothing about it. He had watched his brother lose the ×love of his life and done nothing about it then either. And now look what had happened. Gerard had tried to kill himself. Mikey had watched his brother tear down all his hard work and just let him do it. The realisation that Mikey could have saved him, as well as the fact that his brother had tried to kill himself probably thinking Mikey hated him, washed over him. Mikey’s stomach churned, his head swam. Oh god. This was his fault.
Suddenly Mikey’s legs gave out and he crumpled onto the pavement, holding his head in his hands as he curled in on himself, his body wracked with sobs. At that moment Alicia was making lunch for them both and happened to glance out of the window. Seeing her boyfriend crumpled on the pavement just meters away, Alicia abandoned what she was doing and flew out of the house, not even bothering to lock the door. She reached Mikey quickly and folded him into her body, hugging him softly and wiping his tears away. She waited until Mikey had gotten to that ‘gulping, trying to catch breath’ stage of crying before she tried to coax what had happened out of him. Mikey didn’t often cry so she knew it must be something really awful and honestly, she was terrified at what had happened. As Mikey choked out the ×news, Alicia’s face paled. She was horrified and desperately wanted to cry too but held it in; knowing Mikey needed her to be strong right now even if he wouldn’t say so. Instead she wordlessly helped him up and brought him to the car where she drove them to the hospital, holding his hand the whole time.
When Frank’s mom heard, she cried so hard that she never thought she’d stop. Living with someone she loved more than anything when they wanted to die more than anything was harder than anything she could have ever imagined. After a while it had gotten too hard to handle and she ceased contact with Frank. It was the hardest thing she had ever done and she regretted it every single day but some part of her told her it was the right thing to do. When she found out Frank had been sleeping with Gerard, she was even less convinced. Her anger that someone she thought was her friend had taken advantage of her son in the worst way possible angered her more than she ever thought it could. She had gone to see her son for the first time in months after she had found out but only served to upset him more. And now she heard that her son had tried to end his life once again, the pain was worse than she could have ever imagined. Now she knew for certain she had made a terrible decision and wished more than ever to have her son back in her arms and protect him. But she was too late for that. The fact that her son was far away from her, possibly dying, and she hadn’t been there with him, looking after him and supporting him over the past few months, were too much to handle and Linda crumpled in a heap, crying so much that she wasn’t sure if she could ever stop.
Both Frank and Gerard had to get their stomachs pumped to get rid of the pills they swallowed, and Frank had to get his wrists stitched. Then it was just a case of waiting for them to wake up. The longer they stayed unconscious, the worse things would be.
It was torture waiting. The hours seemed to stretch on in front of Mikey and Alicia. They grasped hands as they waited for ×news, squeezing them tightly as Mikey cried silently into Alicia’s shoulder. Unbeknownst to them, the woman who was sat just a few meters away from them, tears dribbling down her cheeks was Linda, Frank's mom. It was hours before they got ×news and the three of them spent the whole time waiting anxiously, biting their lips in anticipation, horrible thoughts running through each of their heads. Alicia’s once perfectly manicured nails were now reduced to stubs. Eventually they lost track of time and just continued to sit, not knowing whether the people they were waiting for were alive or dead.
Eventually a doctor came into the waiting room and asked for Mikey who immediately stood up and practically ran over to him. “Is my brother okay?” he asked anxiously. Alicia joined his side and Mikey grasped her hand straight away, squeezing hard. The ×news they were about to hear could either make everything okay again, or mean nothing could ever be okay again. The doctor looked grave and Mikey’s heart plummeted. “We had to pump his stomach but he’d taken a lot of pills. He’s unconscious now so the next few hours are crucial. The sooner he wakes up, the sooner we’ll be able to see the damage. He’s not out of the danger zone yet.”
“Can I see him?” asked Mikey anxiously. The doctor nodded. “Of course, I’ll bring you to him in a minute; I just need to speak to Mrs Iero here.” Hearing her name, Linda jumped up and crossed the floor to where they were standing. “Is my son okay? Please tell me he’s alright.” The doctor signalled for Mikey and Alicia to wait in the corner and turned to Linda. “I’m afraid the situation is more serious for your son, Mrs Iero. He had been drinking for several hours before the attempt and took far more pills than Mr Way. It’s had a terrible effect on him. His heart stopped twice in the few hours that he’s been here, but we managed to restart it both times. But the worry is that he’ll have a heart attack and his heart will fail. He’s in the danger zone right now, and he will be until he wakes up. Then we’ll be able to assess the damage. But I have to tell you this, it’s not looking good. Please prepare yourself for the worst. I’m so sorry.” The doctor patted Linda’s shoulder awkwardly as she broke into sobs beside him, letting out a low whine that could never convey the amount of pain she was feeling at that moment. “I can take you all to see your respective relatives now if you’d like,” he said, addressing the group who all nodded eagerly, each looking more broken that the last.
It was Gerard who woke up first. It had been about two days since he had taken the pills and Mikey was climbing up the walls. Their parents had visited for hours every day but Mikey hadn’t left Gerard’s beside, never mind the hospital. Although he knew he was being irrational, he had somehow convinced himself that this was his fault, that if he’d been nicer to Gerard or tried to understand his situation, Gerard wouldn’t have done this. Mikey began to feel like Gerard may never wake up and with every day he remained unconscious, Mikey lost a little more hope, so it was a huge relief when he finally did. Mikey was watching his older brother, whilst Alicia went to get coffee for them both when Gerard’s eyelids began to flicker and he slowly opened his eyes. He turned his head to his younger brother, and croaked out his name, looking exhausted and confused. His head was banging, his bones were aching and he was both confused and horribly disappointed that he was still alive.
“Mikey?” Mikey made a noise of surprise, similar to a scream and leapt forward, immediately enveloping Gerard into a hug. He was desperate to squeeze him harder, hold him closer, but he knew Gerard had been through a lot and was too weak to engage in any bone crushing hugs. Instead, Mikey buried his face into the crook of Gerard’s neck whilst he held him gingerly. Still confused, Gerard wrapped his arm around Mikey’s shaking frame and used the other to softly stroke his hair. “It’s okay, Mikey,” he murmured, understanding his brother needed all of his comfort right now. His questions would have to wait for later, even though all he could think of was Frank and whether or not he was okay. When Mikey moved and turned to face Gerard, his cheeks were stained with tears and his eyes were bloodshot red. “I thought I’d lost you,” he whimpered. “Oh, Mikey,” murmured Gerard, the miserable sight of his brother causing him to feel sick with guilt, “I’m so sorry.”
“I just don’t understand why you did it,” said Mikey, suddenly pulling back from Gerard’s embrace and glaring at him, his sadness being replaced with anger. “How selfish do you have to be Gerard? How could you do this to me, to mom and dad, just to be with your fucking suicidal boyfriend? Look what he’s done to you. This isn’t you Gerard, it’s not.” Gerard sighed. He knew Mikey would be angry, as would his parents, and Alicia. He really didn’t want to have to deal with their anger right now, he was tired and upset and disappointed that his plan hadn’t worked. Honestly, he felt like his world had crashed down in front of him a second time. All he wanted was Frank. Frank would make this better. “Mikey, please, can we please just do this later? I have a headache like you wouldn’t believe, and I’m fucking exhausted, I feel awful.”
“But Gerard, you just tried to-“
“Kill myself. Yes, I did. But this wasn’t the first time, Mikey, you know what my past was like. You know how awful my drinking problem was. You also know I relapsed lately and you didn't do a thing about it.” Mikey looked down to avoid Gerard’s sad gaze, feeling guiltier than even. “My boyfriend was about to be taken away from me, I was about to lose my reputation; hell, I don’t think I’ll even see my baby once it’s born. You’re allowed to be angry, Mikey, but you’re not allowed to say you don’t know why I did this. You know damn well. I just felt so awful, so hopeless and I couldn’t imagine my life with Frankie. When he told me he was planning on killing himself, I knew I couldn’t stop him, and that might sound crazy but if you knew him like I do, it wouldn’t. He’s stubborn as hell and I knew he wanted this and wouldn’t stop till he got it; he’s wanted this since he was fifteen and he hasn’t stopped yet. I just thought it’d be an escape, an easy way to get away from all the shit. He wanted to die and regardless of whether or not I did, I can’t live without him Mikey, I can’t.”
“I just need to see Frank and then I’ll be okay; then I’ll be okay to deal with this. I just need to see him.” Mikey averted his eyes, suddenly finding his fingers that were curled into fists in his laps very interesting. Gerard noticed this and his blood ran cold. Oh no. “What is it, Mikey? What’s going on? Is Frankie okay? Please tell me he is.”
Mikey pulled a face, unsure of how to tell Gerard that the ×love of his life was still unconscious and in a much worse shape than him. He was terrified of how Gerard would react. It’d destroy him, he knew it would. “Mikey, tell me!” Gerard insisted, his voice fraught with worry. Mikey turn to meet Gerard’s eyes which stared back into his own.
“Gerard, Frank hasn’t woken up yet.”
Gerard looked like he was about to choke. “What? What do you mean he’s not awake yet? It’s been two days, the fucking calendar says it right here, that’s long enough isn’t it? He should be awake by now. Why isn’t he awake, Mikey?” Gerard asked desperately, his voice getting higher and higher as he got more scared. “I don’t know, Gerard,” sighed Frank. “They just said he was in a worse way than you, he took more pills before you found him, he drank more. Plus his wrists were bleeding for a long time. I don’t know why he’s still unconscious, maybe it’s just a combination of all those things, but I really have no idea. I’m sorry, Gerard, I really am.”
“I need to see him,” Gerard said decisively.
“Gerard, you can’t. You’re not allowed anywhere near him, you know you’re not! The police are still hanging around and even if they weren’t, his mom has been watching him like a hawk, she’ll never let you see him.”
“I don’t care,” Gerard decided, moving to get out of bed, disconnecting the wires that were attached to him. “I need to see him.”
“Gerard, stop it, you’re being crazy! Just get back into bed, no one even knows you’re awake yet.” Gerard nodded. “Exactly, no one’s gonna come and check on me if they think I’m still unconscious. I just need five minutes with him Mikey, please. Ask Linda if she wants to go for coffee or something, distract her. Please, Mikey. I need to see him.”
“Gerard-“
“Mikey, I ×love him. Please. He needs me.”
Mikey sighed angrily. “Fine, but I’m only doing this because I ×love you. I’ll go speak to Linda; you follow me in about five minutes. If you see us leave to go get coffee or whatever, go see Frank. If she doesn’t want to leave then tough, you can’t see him today. And try not to get caught.”
Gerard rolled his eyes but nodded eagerly. “Do you need me to help you get out of bed before I go?” Gerard shook his head. “No, I’ll be fine, you go.” Frank nodded and muttered “Alright. God, I can’t believe I’m doing this,” before sloping out of the door.
Gerard gingerly got out of bed, wincing at his banging headache, knowing full well he was swaying on his feet. He wasn’t even sure if he would be able to make it to Frank’s room but he knew it’d be nearby, they were probably both in some sort of coma ward. He also knew he needed to hurry up. Gingerly he slid on a pair of sweat pants and a loose t shirt that were left for him nearby and opened the door, looking out for Mikey and trying not to get caught. He quickly saw his brother disappearing into a room a few feet away. He watched his brother speak softly to Frank’s mother for several minutes before leading her out of the room and down the hall, coaxing her closer to him as she continued to keep her eyes on her son’s room as she walked down the hall. Gerard was bubbling with anger at the sight of her. He knew it was irrational, but he couldn’t look at her the same way after she had abandoned Frank. He had been the one to comfort him night after night, to wipe away his tears. He was forever scarred by her abandonment, his father had already left him and his mother doing the same didn’t exactly do anything for his confidence. Whatever, he thought. That doesn’t matter right now. What matters is Frank. Gerard looked both ways and seeing that there was no one coming, he took his chance and slipped into Frank’s room.
He gasped at the sight he saw in front of him. Frank was covered in all sorts of tubes, ones that Gerard assumed were meant to help him breathe, and his face looked deathly pale. It looked like a scene in some soap opera, not real life and certainly not happening to his best friend, to the ×love of his life.
Gerard knew he didn’t have much time so he slipped down beside Frank, kissing his cheek and squeezing his hand tightly, hoping for a squeeze back that never came. Gerard sighed, disappointed but tried to focus more on being there for Frank. It wasn’t like Frank would hear Gerard’s voice or feel his touch and come springing back to life, no matter how much he hoped it. “They, er, they say when people are in comas they can hear things going on around them. I really hope that’s true Frankie cause I need you to know some things. I miss you too fucking much to go another day without you here beside me. I wish you would wake up Frank, I really do. I’m so scared of you dying, of you not coming out of this and leaving me alone here without you. I could never forgive you if you did that to me Frankie, so you better wake up, before I kick your ass, okay?” Gerard questioned, trying to laugh as tears streamed down his face. “Don’t you ever leave me, Frankie, you hear? Don’t you ever leave me.”
He broke down in sobs, burying his head in Frank’s chest. He waited for a soothing voice in his ear, for an arm slung around his waist, for a hand stroking his hair. It never came. “Please,” he sobbed louder. “Don’t leave.”
It became a sort of routine. Mikey would bring Linda for coffee and Gerard would have five stolen minutes with Frank, ten if Linda was feeling chatty. After a few days Gerard was released. Mikey brought him home with him and Alicia, still feeling guilty about how he had treated his younger brother and what it had caused him to do. Gerard hadn’t been in his own home for about two weeks now and he was missing being alone. All he really wanted to do was mope. He just wanted to hold Frank in his arms again, to have him be awake and healthy again. Gerard didn’t know what would happen once he woke up, if he even did, but he knew Frank would be more fragile than ever. He was desperate to see Frank again, and having him be conscious would be even better. But Frank was still in a coma, fighting for his life and the thought made Gerard cry all the time, even when he wished it wouldn’t. His second stay at Mikey and Alicia’s home in the past few weeks was completely opposite to the first. This time Mikey and his girlfriend wouldn’t leave him alone. They were constantly fussing over him, checking he was okay and most annoying, keeping a firm count on the beers in the fridge. They promised him they trusted him but Gerard knew if just one of those beers went missing, the whole lot would be cleared out the fridge. Gerard was indignant over this sudden attempt at protection and he wanted to grumble, and tell his brother he hadn’t been too concerned for him over the past few weeks leading up to his attempt.
However, one good thing had happened over the past few days, whilst Gerard had been staying at Mikey’s and then subsequently at the hospital.
The police had finished investigating. They had interviewed all Gerard’s co-workers, as well as his old therapy clients and the patients at the hospital, even the ones that Gerard had never even spoken to. According to Mikey, the main officer working on the case had called him into the station, as well as Frank’s mother a few days ago.
He had explained to them both that the main issue was trying to find out if Gerard had slept with Frank, or any of the other patients in the hospital before they turned eighteen, because that was the prosecutable offence. They explained that they had spoken to everyone they needed to and each person had said that Gerard had never acted inappropriately towards anyone, never touched anyone, they wouldn’t have even guessed him and Frank were in a relationship, that Gerard was just another dedicated doctor, committed to helping his charges, and although he had hugged Frank, it wasn’t done with an alternate motive, just to comfort him as Frank was his main patient for a long time and the person Frank was closest to especially as he didn’t have any other friends in the institution. Many of Gerard’s co-workers stated that they were shocked about the ×news that had come out, but although some may find it hard to believe, that didn’t change their opinion of him at all, that Gerard shouldn’t have let himself fall for Frank but just because he did, didn’t make him a bad person, that he had only acted this way with Frank because they were in an actual relationship, because they loved one another.
Flashback “Now, no one I spoke to said that Frank and Gerard’s relationship was right, but no one condemned them either,” stated the officer. “It’s clear from our investigation, taking into account what Frank and Gerard said, as well as everyone we interviewed, that both your son and your brother had a normal relationship, albeit it wasn’t in normal circumstances.” Linda scoffed and rolled her eyes, causing the officer to look at her. “Mrs Iero please remember that no one would have any reason to lie to try and cover this up, nor would someone pretend everything was okay when they were forced to do something by someone and were then given the opportunity to send them away for it. From all the evidence we’ve compiled, it just seems like Frank and Gerard were in ×love but because of Gerard’s position, something innocent was made to seem like something much worse.”
“Now I’m in no way excusing what Mr Way did, but I’m saying that it looks like he is of no threat to Mr Iero. They both insisted that they didn’t sleep together before your son turned eighteen, but there was no real way to physically tell if that was true or not, but we did get both Frank and Gerard to take a polygraph test and according to that, they were both telling the truth. Frank and Gerard didn’t sleep with each other until Frank was eighteen and when we asked Gerard, the tests showed us he was telling the truth when he told us he’s never slept with, or acted inappropriately towards anyone else he’s worked with. We simply asked his co-workers and ex patients if he had to make sure. And although Gerard slept with someone in his care, we can’t prosecute him on that alone. We can keep him away from Frank, and he has been fired from his job, he won’t find it easy to get another job again, especially in that field but that’s all that can really be done. I’m sorry.”
As they left the office, Linda was seething. “It’s bullshit, it’s absolute bullshit!” she raged quietly to herself. By that stage Mikey had had enough of people bad mouthing his brother and he spun around, not ready to let yet another person curse his brother. “Look Linda, I get why you’re upset, I really do, but you’ve got to stop blaming Gerard for all this. You heard what the officer said in there, Gerard’s innocent! He was never inappropriate towards your son! They were in love!”
“But-“
“No Linda, you don’t get a but, you don’t deserve a but. You haven’t been here over these past few months, watching your son fall apart because he thought you didn’t ×love him anymore. My brother had to be the one to pick up the pieces; he had to be there for Frank when you weren’t. I watched them fall in ×love over the past few months; I saw how devoted they were to each other. I also saw my brother’s heart break when Frank was taken away from him and how much it hurt him. He’s been miserable over the past few weeks. And Frank’s been miserable over the past few years if you hadn’t noticed. He’d be dead a long time ago if it wasn’t for my brother. So just listen to the cop in there and be grateful that your son was in ×love with someone as great as my brother, instead of being scared and terrified, being made to do things he didn’t want to do by someone that was forcing him to.” With that, Mikey left the police station without looking back and went to visit his brother in the hospital leaving Linda standing there, her mouth open and her eyes wide.
End of flashback
Gerard’s eyes were glassy when Mikey finished recanting his tale. “So…So I’m cleared of all charges?” he whispered, barely being able to believe it. Mikey nodded, smiling. “Yep.”
“Oh wow, oh wow. I can’t…I can’t believe it, I really can’t,” murmured Gerard, tears spilling down his cheeks. “This is just…” He looked up at Mikey, shaking his head slightly. Mikey’s face broke into a crooked grin as he watched his brother smile properly for what seemed like the first time in ages. “This is the best thing ever.” Gerard stretched out his arms to Mikey who happily slipped onto his lap. They hugged fiercely, happy that this whole ordeal was basically over. "I can't believe you said that stuff to her too," lauhed Gerard. "Way to go Mikes." Mikey chucked himself, enjoying his new status as 'Michael Way: Badass.'
“I can’t wait to tell Frankie,” Gerard said excitedly. “I mean, I know he’s still unconscious, but they say that when people are in a coma they hear what’s going on around them. If I tell him, maybe it’d help him wake up a bit,” Gerard said, his eyes shining. “Come on Mikey, let’s go visit him. I mean it might be a bit awkward trying to see him when you said those things to Linda but fuck her, I’m sure she’ll-“
Mikey shook his head, cutting off his brother. “Gerard no, you just got home. The doctor said you have to rest. We’ll see Frank tomorrow. Besides, I’m sure Linda already told Frank, putting her own spin on it of course,” Gerard nodded but sighed, content enough with the ×news that he was in the clear to dispute his brother. He’d see Frank tomorrow; maybe he’d even be awake by then. A guy could hope.
But Mikey was hiding something, the real reason why he didn’t want Gerard to go down to the hospital to visit Frank. And the reason was this, Frank was already awake.
Despite their words, Linda had called late the night before to tell Mikey that Frank had woken up the previous morning. Frank was about to congratulate her when Linda cut him off telling him she was only telling him this so he’d keep his brother away from him. She said they were planning on moving away, she was all ready to go and they’d be leaving as soon as Frank was well enough to go. “We need a fresh start. I need Frank to get better without…distractions. Just keep your brother away from my son for a few days, I’ll let you know when we’ve left, then you can tell your brother. It’ll be easier this way. And believe me Michael, if you don’t, I won’t hesitate in getting a restraining order on Gerard. I want to keep him away from my son at all costs.”
The next day Mikey didn’t have to lie as it turned out both him and Alicia were working shifts at the same time and therefore both their cars would be gone and there would be nobody to take Gerard to see Frank. By the time they both got back, visiting hours would be over. The next day, however, was trickier. Mikey told Gerard he’d bring him to see Frank after he’d finished his shift at work, then after he’d taken Piglet for a walk, after he’d done laundry, after he’d helped Alicia make dinner. After Mikey had invented yet another job for him to do before they left, Gerard groaned in frustration. “Mikey come on, you can do that later. I haven’t seen Frank in days, I’m going crazy here! Visiting hours will be over soon!”
Alicia and Mikey shared a look and something suddenly clicked in Gerard’s head. “Wait…Are you guys trying to keep me from Frankie? I mean I know you were upset a few weeks back but I thought you were cool with it now. What changed?”
“Gerard, nothing changed. It’s not us, it’s-“ Alicia trailed off. Gerard looked to Mikey instead. “Frank woke up.” Gerard looked from Mikey to Alicia, to Mikey again. “What? He woke up and you didn’t tell me?”
“We couldn’t.”
“What do you mean you couldn’t, Mikey? You’re a grown man, what are you talking ab-“
“Gerard, sweetie,” Alicia tried to soothe him, “We didn’t keep this from you to hurt you. We wanted to protect you.”
Gerard now looked more confused than ever. “Protect me? Why?”
Alicia sighed. “Linda and Frank are moving away and Linda asked us to keep you away from Frank until then, she said it’ll be easier for everyone that way.”
Gerard looked horrified. “I’m going to see him,” he said decidedly. “Gerard, you can’t!” shouted both Alicia and Mikey, running after Gerard who had grabbed the car keys and was stalking towards the front door. “She said she’ll get a restraining order against you if you try to see Frank again and knowing her, she’s not joking.”
“I don’t care!” shouted Gerard, “I’m going. Neither of you can stop me so don’t even try,” unlocking the car. “Gerard, you can’t drive, you just got out of a fucking coma! Be reasonable!” shouted Mikey. “Then drive me!” Gerard shouted back. “Either way, I’m going to see Frank. He’s the ×love of my fucking life and I’m not about to let him be taken away from me. I’m going, whether I drive or you do. At least if you do, I’ll have more chance of arriving there alive.”
“Urgh, fine!” shouted Mikey, catching the keys that Gerard had thrown at him. “I fucking hate you sometimes.” He pressed a quick kiss to Alicia’s lips and got into the car, Gerard already beeping the horn at him impatiently.
Just as they pulled into the hotel car park, Mikey got a phone call. It was Linda. “We’re leaving now. I’m bringing Frank home to get some last bits and then we’ll be gone. Just keep your brother away from my son for a few more hours and then hopefully we’ll never have to deal with one another ever again.”
“Ah, that might be a bit of a problem,” said Mikey into the phone as he watched his brother wrench the car door open and go running down the car park into the hospital.
Mikey walked into the hospital seconds later and was met with an awful scene.
Gerard was wrapped up in the arms of a security guard, screaming and kicking to be let go whilst another held onto Frank, who was also screaming and kicking to be put down, as desperate to get to Gerard as Gerard was to him. It’d be funny considering Frank’s size if they weren’t attracting the whole floors attention. “How dare you come here?” shouted Linda to Gerard. “I told you to keep away from my son.”
“Yeah, only so you could take him away from me without causing a scene!” retorted Gerard. To that, Linda rolled her eyes. “And to think I was so naïve that I could get him away from you without one! I already told you, we’re moving away and you’ll never see Frank again, not if I can help it!” She turned to the security guard. “Can you help bring him out to the car, please?”
“Sure thing, ma’am,” replied the guard, turning on his heel out of the automatic doors, a kicking and screaming Frank in his arms. “No!” screamed Frank. “No, I won’t go! You can’t make me! Gerard!” he screamed. “Gerard, help me!” Frank kicked at the wall as the security guard walked through the doors but Frank’s feeble attempt to get free were nothing to him. Frank’s screams continued, fading as he was brought to the car.
“Frank! Frank, I’m here!” yelled Gerard as he struggled in the other guards arms. “Yeah, that’s the problem,” smirked Linda, “You’re in here and he’s out there. What a shame.” Gerard could have killed her as she flashed him a fake smile and turned on her heel. “And if you ever go near my son again, I’ll make you regret it.”
Moments later Gerard heard the noise of a car speed away, seconds after that, the second security guard re-entered the building. Then and only then, did the one holding Gerard release him.
Immediately Gerard ran to the window even though he already knew the car would already be gone. He was right. He turned around to face his brother desperately. Thankfully by now the crowds had dissipated, knowing the show was over.
“We need to go to their house!” screamed Gerard. “You said so yourself, they’re going there to get some of Frank’s stuff.”
“Gerard, we can’t, you heard what Linda said-“
“I don’t care what she said!” screamed Gerard again. “If there’s any chance that I can see him again, any chance at all, then I need to take it.” He stalked out of the hospital and started to run towards their car. Mikey ran after him, fearing his brother was going mad with grief. With the wild and desperate look in Gerard’s eyes, Mikey sighed and pushed passed Gerard, slipping into the driver’s side. “At least let me drive, you can’t in your state,” Anything to get you to stop crying. Gerard nodded and slipped in beside Frank but still the tears slipped down his cheeks.
As they drove Gerard hoarsely called out directions, and jiggled his legs against the floor of the car nervously. Mikey knew his brother and he knew he was expecting to reach Frank’s house just in the nick of time, be reunited with him once again and gallantly refuse to let his mother take him away again. He was expecting to be reunited with Frank again and Mikey was sure Gerard would be disappointed. Still, he kept driving knowing his brother would never forgive him if he didn’t, never mind if there was any point to their journey or not. However, when they reached the house, it was deserted, just like Mikey knew it would be. It looked like Linda and Frank had skipped the trip back home, probably asking movers to collect the rest of their stuff, and carried on with the rest of the journey.
Gerard’s face paled when he saw the empty house but Mikey just couldn’t believe he thought the mother and son would be there anyway.
Gerard refused to take no for an answer. He ran out of the car, ignoring his brother’s calls and launched himself onto the front door, banging and screaming to be let inside. When he was met with only silence, he looked through the windows, to see the majority of the furniture had been taken away. The place looked empty, like it hadn’t been lived in in months. Gerard finally realised no one was home and that was also the moment when he realised Frank was gone, really truly gone, and he would probably never see him again. That was when he fell apart. He collapsed onto the front porch step and let out a long, desperate scream, followed by heavy sobs that wracked his entire body. Mikey’s heart broke as he watched his older brother struggle and he dashed out of the car himself, flopping beside Gerard and folding him into his arms like the many times Gerard had done the same for him. “Shh, shh, it’s okay,” murmured Mikey.
But no, Gerard knew that from this moment on, nothing would ever be okay again.
From then on, everything fell to shit for Gerard. He moved back to his own home a few days after Frank had left, unable to bare being around his brother and Alicia any longer, their sympathetic looks and worried glances driving him crazy. If he couldn’t have Frank, all he wanted was to be alone. Things quickly went from bad to worse for him. With no one to keep a watchful eye on him, he went straight back to the booze. His cupboards were filled with vodka and whiskey within hours, his fridge filled with beers. He drank every night, desperate for the pain to go away but it didn’t work, nothing made him feel better. He began to drink more and more, desperately hoping that the more he drank, the less he would feel. Quickly he realised that was wishful thinking but by that time he was too far gone, addicted once again. He carried on, drinking bottle after bottle at night, sleeping away the day and drinking once more when he regained consciousness. He began to hang out with old friends he hadn’t seen in years, old high school friends he knew were trouble but didn’t care. They had stuff that could numb the pain, things stronger than vodka.
He was staying out for days at a time and his whole family was becoming more and more worried but Gerard didn’t care. He couldn’t stand to talk to them in the state he was in and he didn’t want them to see just how bad things had gotten. Instead of talking to his parents, he ignored their calls and during the rare times he was in, he ignored Mikey’s knocks on the door.
He hadn’t got a job yet; he knew it’d be hard for him to find one after what had happened with Frank. Also, he had almost gone to prison.
Everyone in the town had heard about it and Gerard knew he wouldn’t find a job easily. Because he had no money to pay his bills, he was running out of money to for rent. His landlord had been on to him several times, complaining that the rent had been late for the past few weeks. Gerard knew he was about to get kicked out of his apartment soon enough if he didn’t start making money but how could he with no job? In any case, he wasn’t in any state to start working. He knew he could move in with Mikey, who had offered several times, most often through a door, but he refused to, at least not yet. He saw that as giving up and he wasn’t about to do that yet. I mean yeah, he wanted to, in fact he wanted nothing more, but he wouldn’t give anyone the satisfaction. He might be in a world of shit right then, but he knew things would only get worse if he moved in with Mikey. His brother would make him give up the booze cold turkey and yeah, even though he knew Mikey would support him every step of the way, he wasn’t ready for that yet. He just wanted to be left alone to deal with things his own way.
This went on for several weeks. That was until Gerard’s daughter was born. Gerard had been on a particularly bad bender the night before and in his drunken state, he had left the door open. Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for Mikey who had come to see him that morning, Mikey could get in. What he saw shocked him. Gerard was lying on the floor, having not made it to the couch, bottles and bottles of alcohol surrounding him, most empty, some not. His apartment was more empty than it had been the last time Mikey had seen him; he assumed Gerard had sold some of his furniture to pay for either alcohol, or rent. As Mikey got closer he gasped, what he saw upsetting him more than ever. There was vomit around Gerard, staining his shirt and crusting around his mouth, in a horrible déjà vu moment to how Mikey imagined Gerard and Frank were found those few weeks ago.
He rushed to his brother, shaking him awake. Gerard groaned, clutching his pounding head.
“Oh god, my head,” he whimpered, curling up even more into himself. Mikey shook him again, getting more and more angry. “Gerard, wake up!” Gerard turned around, bleary eyed. “Mikey…? What the hell are you doing here?” Mikey rolled his eyes. “I came to tell you something, something really fucking important, but Jesus Christ, look at the state of you!” Gerard groaned again, trying to turn away from his younger brother but Mikey pulled him back, determined to talk to him. “This has gone on for long enough, Gerard.”
“How did you even get in here?” groaned Gerard. “You left your door open. I mean Jesus Christ, Gerard; we’re in fucking New Jersey! You could have been robbed. It looks like you already did, but I’m just guessing you sold your shit to pay for more alcohol. Look at the state of this place, look at all these bottles. You’ve been clean for so long, Gerard, you were doing so well, and now look at you. You were passed out on the floor cause you were so fucking drunk and something tells me this isn’t a once off kind of thing. Something tells me it’s a regular occurrence. You could have choked on your own vomit and died, Gee. And no one would have even known because no one sees you anymore, it’s like you’re already dead. You’re my older brother Gee, you had such a great life before all this, you had it all together. You were clean, you had a job, your apartment, you were getting married, you had a kid on the way. And then you found Frank and you were happy, and I was happy for you too Gee, you know I was, but since you lost him, everything’s fallen to shit.”
Gerard sobbed at the mention of Frank and turned into the carpet, wanting to hide from Mikey’s words. Mikey rubbed his back and cooed softly, his anger fading to sympathy. “I’m sorry Gee, I know it hurts.” Gerard sobbed louder. Mikey picked him up off the floor and held him tightly, letting his brother wet his shirt with his tears. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he murmured. “I’m not a big shot psychiatrist like you Gee, but I know one thing. You’ve got to talk about this, instead of pretending it’s not happening and drowning all the memories that won’t go away in alcohol. You’re killing yourself, Gerard. I’ve come here to see you, and you’re killing yourself. You look dead inside. Maybe you can’t see it anymore but I can. I’m sorry Frankie’s not here to help you but I can, Al can, our parents can. We all ×love you so fucking much. But this has got to stop. You’ve lost weight, your face is all drawn and pale, you look awful. Your breath stinks, you look like you haven’t showered in days. This can’t go on any longer.”
Gerard’s anger had subsided with the mention of Frank and he just nodded and continued to sob against Frank’s chest. Mikey helped him to his feet. “You go get a shower, I’ll clean up a little bit and make you some coffee. Then we can have a chat, I’ll help you pack a few things and then you’re coming to my place. You’re going to stay with me and Al for a bit and you’re not leaving till you’re sober.” Gerard couldn’t fight his brother’s help anymore, he so desperately needed what Mikey was offering and so he just nodded his head and wandered into the bathroom.
Mikey listened out for his brother as he cleaned the apartment, the once clean and stylish place having gone to shit. He didn’t trust Gerard on his own anymore. As he waited, he rang up Alicia to tell him the ×news, as well as Gerard’s landlord, the number of whom he had found lying nearby, to tell him Gerard would be moving out.
Minutes later, Gerard and Mikey were sat at the kitchen table, steaming mugs of coffee in their hands. Mikey passed Gerard an Advil which he took gratefully. Gerard looked better now he had showered and was wearing clean clothes, but his head was pounding, he was still painfully thin and looked like he was in a lot of pain, both emotional and otherwise. However he smiled, trying to pretend everything was okay. “So,” Gerard started as he sipped his coffee, “What was it you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Gerard…Lindsey gave birth to the baby.”
Gerard choked on his coffee and started to choke. “What? …The baby?” Gerard questioned; his eyes wide. Mikey nodded, “Earlier this morning.”
“I missed it…” was all Gerard whispered before tears started to slip silently down his cheeks. “She needed me and I wasn’t there for her.” Although Lindsey had turned them in, thus causing Gerard to lose Frank, he wasn’t about to let her raise the baby on her own. He wanted to be there for her, if she let him that was. And yet he had missed arguably the most important part of being a father, the birth. He hated himself for it.
Mikey slipped out of his seat and wrapped Gerard into his arms. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he cooed.
“It’s not!” cried Gerard. “I let her down, Mikey.” Mikey continued to hold him. “It’s alright Gee, there were plenty of people with her, I was there, and Alicia was too, you know how they always got on. Her mum was there, she was alright, she was safe…But if you get clean, if I help you, you can always be there for that little girl too, and you can never let her or her mom down ever.”
Gerard looked up at him. “She’s…she’s a girl?” Mikey nodded excitedly. “Yeah, and she’s so beautiful.” Mikey smiled. “She looks just like you.”
Gerard cried a lot after that. Half of it was out of happiness; the rest was out of guilt, sorrow and shame that he’d missed the birth of his baby daughter. He begged Mikey to drive him to the hospital to he could meet her, but Mikey refused, telling him that he was still so drunk that he’d probably drop the baby. Gerard wanted to argue but sadly, he knew it was true. How had things come to this?
Instead they packed up some of his stuff and went to Mikey’s, where Gerard slept off the rest of his hangover. He couldn’t believe that his baby daughter was just miles away but he couldn’t see her because he had gotten too drunk the night before. It was absolute stupidity on his part but it was also the wakeup call he needed.
The next day he was up early and ready to see both Lindsey and their new daughter. Every ounce of his body was screaming for a drink but Gerard tried to ignore it and instead he stopped off at a local store on the way to the hospital to buy flowers. Stepping into Lindsey’s room, Gerard was more nervous than ever. He hadn’t seen Lindsey in months, the last time being when she had found him and his boyfriend after they had just had ×sex, and called the police on them. A great memory, I’m sure you can agree. However, all of Gerard’s nerves seemed to melt away when he saw the little pink bundle in Lindsey’s arms.
“Hey,” Lindsey whispered when Gerard entered the room. “She’s sleeping.” Gerard nodded and placed the flowers on the bed. “Thank you,” Lindsey whispered again, her face glowing in the way that only a new mother’s can. Gerard lowered himself onto a nearby chair, not feeling like he had the right to intrude any further, even though the baby Lindsey was holding was his own. However Lindsey shook her head and gestured for him to come closer, smiling again. Gerard perched on the side of Lindsey’s bed and stared at the tiny little human in her arms. “Gerard, I’d like you to meet our daughter.” Gerard was mesmerised by the tiny bundle in Lindsey’s arms, how she looked like a tiny, dainty doll. She was asleep and as Gerard watched her breathing slowly in and out, her little chest rising and falling, Gerard thought she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Her eyelashes were long and black and rested on her cheeks. She already had short little tufts of hair and the tiny pink fingers that were gripping her blanket tightly, had even smaller pink fingernails. “She’s perfect,” Gerard breathed, lost for words. Lindsey nodded, looking like the proudest mother that had ever lived.
“Does she have a name?” Gerard asked, not once taking his eyes from her. “I was thinking of Bandit,” replied Lindsey,” but I didn’t want to make an official decision without you here.” Gerard was touched. He looked at his new baby daughter and smiled. “Bandit is perfect.”
Lindsey grinned at him. “I thought so too.”
A few minutes had passed as they both looked down at the now officially named Bandit with pride. Gerard was itching to hold her but he didn’t want to ask for too much. Luckily Lindsey had known him a long time and always knew what he was thinking. “Would you like to hold her?” She asked.
Gerard nodded eagerly. “Here you go, just remember to support her head, yeah, like that, there you go,” commented Lindsey as she passed the delicate bundle over to Gerard. Gerard was now holding his daughter, holding the most precious thing in his life, right in his hands. She was tiny, so tiny that he had nothing to compare it too, but he was surprised at the amount of heat radiating out of her body. She had woken and cried slightly as she was being passed over from parent to parent, but she was quiet now as she sat in her father’s arms. Gerard could have cried himself.
“Hi Bandit,” he said to her softly, gazing at her. “I’m your daddy. I know I wasn’t here from the start and I’m really, really sorry about that, but it’s never going to happen again B, not ever. I’ll be there for you until the end. I’ll be there for you when you’re cry or when you’re hungry, or if you just need a cuddle. I’ll be there for you when you scrape your knees after falling off your bicycle, I’ll be there when you get gum in your hair. I’ll be there to help you with your math homework, and I’ll be there when a boy breaks your heart for the first time. I’ll be there to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day to a guy that loves you almost as much as I do. But no matter how much he loves you, he’s never going to ×love you more than I do sweetheart, not ever. I’ve only just met you and already you’re the most precious thing in the world to me. Just imagine how it’s going to be once we get to know each other,” Gerard laughed, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I’m going to be there for you through all that and so much more B, I’m going to be there for you for always, forever.”
Gerard looked up, sobbing silently and saw Lindsey also had tears streaming down her face.
“Oh Gee,” she cried. “Where’ve you been?”
They talked for hours after that, talking turns holding Bandit. They talked about the last few months, about their relationship, about the baby, about the charges against Gerard. “I’m so sorry, Gerard,” Lindsey said, “I didn’t realise you and Frank were in ×love, I thought you were taking advantage of him. It was stupid, I know that now. I jumped to a stupid conclusion and I almost wrecked your life because of it. I know you’re not that kind of person, that you never will be that kind of person. I regretted calling the police almost immediately. When I came to my senses I tried to make them understand but they wouldn’t believe me, I guess they thought I was some kind of hysterical pregnant woman who kept changing her mind. I’m so glad the charges were dropped but I’m so so sorry they were brought about in the first place. I could kick myself. I was just trying to protect the Frank, he looked like he was just a little kid and so lost, so vunerable. I was wrong though, and I’m sorry for that, I’m even more sorry that he’s moved away now. I know what I did brought that about. But I want you to know Gerard, I didn’t do what I did because I was a jealous bitch who wanted her boyfriend back. I didn’t.”
Gerard nodded and held Lindsey hand, squeezing it tightly. “I know that now Linds, I really do.”
When Gerard finally left the hospital that evening, he felt lighter, more in control. For the first time in months, he didn’t have a drink that night. I mean sure, Mikey and Alicia were watching him like hawks to make sure he didn’t anyway, but the urge to drink was less that it had been in a long, long time.
After that, Gerard gave recovery a go. It was hard as hell; in fact it got harder with every day. There were times when all Gerard wanted to do was cry and times all he wanted to do was drink. He was convinced that things would be easier if Frank was here to help him through this, but the fact that he wasn’t made things even harder. He ended up living with Alicia and Mikey for a few months and when things got better enough for him to work, Mikey managed to wrangle Gerard a job working at the same record store he was employed at. The structure helped him and he even made friends with a few of his co-workers to replace the old ones he had lost once they found out he was trying to get clean again. After all, people that wouldn’t drink or take drugs weren’t worth speaking to in their opinion. Gerard visited Bandit and Lindsey whenever he could. Bandit was growing into a beautiful baby girl and Gerard loved her more than he realised he could ever ×love anyone. Whenever he saw her smile or looked into her huge eyes, he felt even more positive about getting clean. He knew he had to do it for her and by then, that was okay. By then, he would have done anything for her.
Months passed and Gerard had finally moved back into an apartment of his own. He was still working at the record store but in his part time he was drawing and sending his work off to people who asked to use them in comics. He never imagined his life would end up this way, at twenty five he was working in a record store but also drawing, something he never thought he was good enough to do professionally. And while the last few months of his life had been hell, he had lost the ×love of his life, reverted back to his alcoholism, lost his job and almost gotten arrested, he was finally getting back on his feet. He had a beautiful baby daughter and was on good terms with Lindsey for the first time in a while. His relationship with his brother was stronger than ever, and he hadn’t touched a drink in months.
It had been about a year since Frank had moved away and Gerard still thought about him every day. He was still desperate to see him again but he didn’t spend every waking hour thinking about him anymore. The loss of Frank had still left an ache in his heart, an ache that Gerard had learnt couldn’t be filled with alcohol or drugs, but Gerard was slowly getting over it. In the old days he had tried everything to find Frank, emailing him, phoning him, texting him, but Frank never replied. In time, his number was changed, his facebook was disabled and emails were left unopened. Gerard was sure Linda was behind it and not Frank but it still hurt. Some days he had driven to Frank’s old house and just stood, watching the house as if Frank would suddenly appear at the window and come racing outside and jump in the car, lighting up a cigarette and grinning crookedly at Gerard. He never did.
It was a Tuesday afternoon and Gerard was working an early shift at the record store. He was swaying along to some random music on the stereo and sorting CDs when he happened to glance out of the window. What he saw made his heart stop. Walking along the street was Frank, it was undeniable. He looked as if he was in a world of his own as he walked along, ear buds pressed into his ears, no doubt blaring some punk band Gerard had never even heard of. He was wearing skinny jeans and a sleeve less ripped black t shirt and old converse, all clothes Gerard recognised. From his position at the window, Gerard could tell Frank had gotten even more tattoos. His hair was the same as ever, if a bit longer and messier, and although he hadn’t grown an inch, he looked older somehow.
Gerard abandoned the stack of CDs in his hands, racing out the door whilst the CDs clattered to the floor. He ran across the road to Frank, shouting his name, his heart beating faster and faster as he reached him. “Frank! Frankie!” Frank looked up, the music in his ears obviously not as loud as Gerard thought. His face broke into a grin and he ripped his ear buds out. “Gerard!” Gerard rushed to him, pulling him into a hug that almost knocked Frank off his feet. They hugged for what felt like hours, savouring the fact that they were back in each other’s arms once again.
Minutes later they were sitting in a coffee shop, clutching steaming cups of coffee. Gerard had found someone to cover his shift and now he was sitting with Frank, feeling happier than ever. “So you’re back,” stated Gerard, smiling so much that he thought his face would break. Frank nodded happily. “Yep…After mom made us move, well, it was a shit couple of months. She decided not to send me to any sort of a hospital, just to therapy once a week like I used to go to. We were kinda made to do it anyway, cause of the suicide attempt and my history and all. The therapist actually really helped me but apart from that, I was kind of left on my own. My mom had given up on me a long time ago, but we both knew that. I think she just wanted me around just so I couldn’t get up to anything. I know she loves me, but our relationship hasn’t been the same since. I wanted to stay with you but she wouldn’t let that happen. I know she was just trying to protect me, but sometimes I think she just wanted to spite me. Anyway, cause I was basically left on my own to get better, things got worse from then on. I was missing you so much that I would have done anything to numb the pain. I started drinking again, smoking weed, my cutting was worse than ever. I was at rock bottom, once again. But then I thought no, I can’t do this again. I’ve got to live, even if it’s just in the hope that I’ll see Gerard again. So I stopped drinking, smoking weed, tried to stop cutting. That was the hardest of all, especially seeing as I’d been doing it for about four years on and off. It was an addiction. But finally I picked myself up off the ground. I’m six months clean now. It’s crazy, I never thought I could get to more than six days clean. And it’s you always used to tell me, once I stopped cutting things for a lot better. I finally got control of my life back, and I didn’t need to do it anymore. It took so long, but I finally realised it was hindering me more than helping me...Don't say 'I told you so,' " he said, grinning at Gerard who held his hands up in mock defeat causing Frank to laugh good naturedly before he continued.
“I got a job in a local supermarket, started training as a tattoo artist too. I’ve got a long way to go get but I ×love it, I really do. I turned nineteen a few months ago and with the money I’d saved up from my part time job; I decided to come back here, to see if I could find you. Mom couldn’t stop me. She’d already moved me half way across the country. Her man’s gone, he fucked off months ago. He was a prick, but she couldn’t see it. I hope she does now. But yeah, after all those months, after fucking my life up so much and taking me away from you, she’s in the same position she always was, just now in loads of debt from moving and I’m sitting here, in front of you. It’s laughable really, how she thought she could keep us apart. But I knew, all those months, it was the only thing that kept me hanging on.”
“What was that?”
“I knew I’d always find my way back to you.”
Gerard blushed then and laughed; a tiny giggle that made Frank fall in ×love with him all over again. “So what about you?” Frank asked, “What’s been going on whilst I was away?”
Gerard mused what he was about to say and then just decided to tell the truth, knowing Frank didn’t deserve anything less. “Things got a bit mad when you left,” Gerard chuckled again, grateful he was now at the stage where he could laugh about his past, “More than a bit actually. I sort of went crazy without you. I started drinking again, started taking drugs; lost half of my furniture to pay for rent. Things were worse than ever. Then one day Mikey came to see me. He told me my little girl had been born and I had missed it because I was passed out, drunk on the floor. I never forgave myself for that. After that, Mikey helped me get clean. I got a job in the old record store as you know, and I draw for comics and stuff now too. Only sometimes mind you but I ×love it. I see my daughter all the time, she’s beautiful, her name’s Bandit,” Gerard’s eyes shined as he talked about her. “Lindsey apologised for splitting us up but I knew she was only doing what she thought was right. We get on really well now, almost like old times. We tried to try again, you know for Bandit’s sake, but it didn’t work out. It was a stupid idea, we’re better as friends. We realised we were being ridiculous after only a couple of days,” laughed Gerard.
“Do you want to see her?” asked Gerard expectantly.
Realising he meant Bandit, Frank nodded eagerly. Gerard dug his phone out of his pocket and edged closer to Frank. He showed him photo after photo, his face glowing with pride. Frank cooed at the pictures, she really was adorable, but all he could really think about was how great Gerard smelled, and how close their bodies were, how they were leeching off the others heat and how much he had missed Gerard’s laugh, his smile, his tiny teeth, and the way he always spoke with one side of his mouth as if he was permanently smoking a cigarette. He was falling in ×love with him more and more after every second they spent together.
“She’s beautiful, Gerard,” Frank stated honestly when they came to the end of the reel of the seemingly never ending baby pictures. “I know,” smiled Gerard, still looking down at the last photo he had shown Frank. It was taken on the day Gerard had been to see Bandit for the first time and was a photo of the three of them, taken by Mikey, Lindsey holding Bandit carefully and Gerard sitting perched at the side of her bed, smiling blissfully. Frank glanced over at the photo again, noting the astounding difference in Gerard. “You look incredible Gerard,” Frank commented, gesturing at the photo, “You really do,” Gerard blushed and thanked Frank, hiding his red face by smiling down at the photo again, almost as if it was actually Bandit herself. “Oh,” Gerard almost shouted, looking up so fast Frank was surprised he didn’t get whiplash. “I forgot to tell you! Mikey and Alicia are getting married!”
Frank beamed at Gerard’s ×news, delighted that the dorky little kid he knew and loved was marrying the woman he loved. “That’s great!” said Frank just as excitedly. “I know, right?” beamed Gerard. “So, what about you? Are you with anybody at the moment?” Frank asked, trying to sound casual, not at all as if Gerard’s answer had the ability to break his heart.
However Gerard shook his head and Frank instantly breathed a sigh of relief. “No, I mean, there was that thing with Lindsey but that wasn’t really a thing at all. When things got really bad and I would hang out with all these bad people, there were girls there and they were willing to do anything, and I mean anything. But I wouldn’t even let them touch me. I wanted something to numb the pain but that was the one thing I would never try, I knew it would just fuck me up ten times worse. Besides, I’m not even sure if I’m gay or straight anymore. I haven’t felt anything for anyone since you left. You fucked me up, Frank Iero,” Gerard said teasingly. “At the risk of sounding like a total loser, I was just kind of waiting for you to come back. And I knew that if you never did, I’d look for you, and I’d never stop searching.”
Frank tried to hold back his own blush. “At the risk of also sounding like a total loser, I was the same. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that one day I’d be back here, in this shitty little town, looking for you.”
“Well you’ve found me now,” Gerard told him, smiling so hard he thought his face would break.
Frank nodded vigorously, smiling back. He reached over and took Gerard’s hands in his own, squeezing them tightly. “And I’m never gonna let you go again.”
They grinned and closed the gap between them both, pulling the other in for a kiss. It was long and passionate but also soft and sweet. Their arms wrapped around the other’s waist and Frank rested his hand on Gerard’s neck whilst Gerard tangled his hand in Frank’s hair. They melted into one another, the kiss seemingly going on for hours. When they finally broke apart, their eyes were shining, their cheeks flushed, both out of breath. They grinned at one another and blushed; they had known one another one and off for about two years now, but they could still be as shy as at the start.
“I ×love you,” Frank whispered to Gerard as he cupped his cheek and stared into his eyes, his own welling up with tears at the happiness he thought he’d never be able to find again.
“I never stopped loving you,” Gerard murmured back, wiping away Frank's tears as his own eyes started to water, “and I never, ever will.”
Frank was walking home one evening in March. Most other people would already be at home by now but he had stayed late to finish up a custom tattoo job. He had let Gerard know he would be late beforehand and Gerard was fine with it, he knew how important Frank’s job was to him, it was one of the main things that kept him sane, there was something about creating a piece of art on someone’s body, knowing that he had done it, and seeing their smile afterward, he loved it. It gave him a rush, even when he wasn’t the one getting new ink. He thought about his job and how much he loved it on his bad days and it made him feel slightly better; he still had plenty of bad days, but nothing compared to the way he used to be. He had finally managed to live without medication for the first time in years and to him, it was a huge achievement. But most of all, on his bad days he didn’t need to think about his job, or how much better his life had become; Gerard made him feel better all by himself. He could just melt into Gerard’s arms and without even trying, all his problems seemed to lessen almost straight away. The past few months had been great for them, and things were set to get even better. It was as if things had finally fallen into place.
They had moved in Gerard’s apartment together the same day they had met again, seeing no reason to take things slow. After all, they were in ×love, they always had been. The apartment was smaller than Gerard’s first, but Frank said he liked it better, that it was cosier. And it was. Gerard’s drawings were tacked up on the walls and now instead of case files littering his desk, he had a drawing station, littered with coffee mugs and pencils, paper scattered everywhere. His superhero figurines cluttered the windowsills and his bookshelves were groaning with all his books, the walls filled with posters of horror films and comic book characters. Soon enough, Frank’s tattoo designs joined Gerard’s work on the walls and Pansy leant against the bookshelves, older than ever but no longer disused.
Frank had called his grandmother, the one person he was actually close to anymore, to explain that he wouldn’t be living with her as they planned now that he was back. His grandmother fussed in the way that only grandmothers can, asking him who he was staying with if it wasn’t her. Frank explained and Gerard’s face broke into a grin as he heard excited shouts from the other end of the phone. Frank put a hand over the phone, explaining to Gerard that he had told his grandmother all about his plan to find Gerard. Still, Frank’s grandmother urged for them both to come round and as soon as they got there, they found out why.
Frank’s grandmother opened the door and a little bundle of fluff barrelled out and straight into Frank, screaming and crying with the happiness of being reunited with her owner after more than a year. It was Mama. As she danced around Frank’s ankles before jumping into his arms, Frank’s grandmother explained that Linda had left Mama with her, telling Frank that she’d sold her so that he wouldn’t try and stay, insisting Mama was just another reason to stay. Over coffee she had told them she felt awful about the way her daughter had been acting, but she was just happy Frank was back now. On the way home, Frank teased Gerard, telling him how much his grandmother had liked him, causing Gerard to blush. However on the inside he was glad, happy one of Frank’s family members finally liked him.
With Mama back, Frank was happier than ever. Soon they had a pack of dogs in their apartment. With no one to tell him he couldn’t, Frank began to bring home puppy after puppy. Gerard hadn’t realised what a dog freak Frank really was, but it didn’t even matter to him anymore, now he just rolled his eyes when Frank brought another dog home and asked what its name was.
Things were going great for them, for the first time in a really, really long time. They got Bandit on the weekends and also whenever Lindsey was away for a photo shoot for her job as a photographer. They all got on pretty well, the three of them. Things would never be totally fixed with them, but Frank had realised Lindsey was actually pretty cool. As for Bandit, well she was perfect. Frank had come to ×love her and think of her like his own daughter, but no one, no one, loved her more than Gerard did. He was incredible dad. Frank never knew what he would come home to next; Gerard and Bandit having a tea party, Gerard putting on a play for Bandit with her bears, reading to her, or even the two pretending to be superheroes together.
As Frank climbed the stairs to their apartment, he mused about how his life had turned out. It was incredible that just a few years ago, he really didn’t believe his life was worth living. Now he had finished high school, albeit a few years late, he had his dream job, he lived with the ×love of his life, the one he almost lost, and they had a daughter together. He couldn’t believe how things had turned around. It was hard to believe that both him and Gerard had once been so desperate that they had both tried to kill themselves, and now their lives were like this. He was just thankful that they had both survived.
Finally he reached the door and opened it to be greeted with the chorus of his many dogs. “Hey guys!” he cried, to which the barks increased, the tails wagging more forcefully. He jumped to the ground and laughed as his dogs swarmed over to him, all licking his face, jumping into his lap, all trying to get as close as possible. He spent several minutes on the ground with his dogs, while Gerard sat nearby in a chair smiling fondly at him, Bandit on his lap, laughing herself. Frank’s grin got even bigger and he jumped up, crossing the floor to greet his two favourite people. “Hey, B!” he smiled down up at, chucking her under the chin and kissing her cheek to which she giggled whilst Gerard looked fondly at them. Frank then turned to Gerard and instead of a kiss on the cheek; he pulled him in for a proper kiss. When they pulled away minutes later they were both breathless but Gerard managed to laugh, a blush colouring his cheeks. “What was that for? Have a good day at work or something?”
Frank shook his head but smiled. “No, I’ve just been thinking and I’ve realised how lucky I really am. I never thought I would get this far, and I never thought things could be this good for me either. But it is and it all feels so crazy that it still feels kind of hard to accept. I don’t think I’d even be here if it wasn’t for you Gerard. I mean, it’s easy to forget with the way our lives were, but we’ve both come such a long way. It feels like that was a whole world ago, like it happened to different people. But it didn’t, it happened to us. And now, I’m standing here, talking to you, with our daughter in your arms and it’s just amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever really thanked you for everything you’ve done, Gerard, so I wanted to say it now, before our life, and our happiness makes me forget how awful things used to be, yet again. So thank you Gee, thank you for saving my life, so many times, in more ways than one. Cause if you never had, I wouldn’t be here with you and B, happier than ever and that thought, the thought of not having you guys by my side, well it’s just unimaginable.”
Gerard smiled down and Frank and pulled him down onto his lap, resting his head on his shoulder and immediately lacing their fingers, and pressing their lips together.
Gerard could say so many things back, could start his own speech about how he didn’t save Frank, but Frank saved him, how he never imagined his life would end up this way either, but thanked whatever god was out there that it had.
But he didn’t. He didn’t need to. Frank already knew.
Notes
Hey guys, so this is the absolute last chapter of Disenchanted, it can be taken as either an alternative ending or a follow on chapter from the previous one, it works either way really. I decided not to write both as I really didn't have the time, I'm going back to school in like two weeks and I have so much to do before then so I'm sorry if you're disappointed.
Sorry this took so long and I know it's pretty shitty but I wanted to get it done for you guys; there was so much to write about so this chapter ended up being like over 13, 00 words, whoops. I know it's probably awful but hey, I tried aha. I couldn't write anymore at this stage. Also I don't know much about the law so this probably seemed a bit far fetched that Gerard wasn't charged but it's a fan fic, what can you do?
Hope you guys liked this and don't forget to comment, and rate, it really means a lot to me!
This will probably be the last fic I'll write because I'm doing really important exams this year and I won't have time to do anything really; so I hope you enjoyed this!
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Again, sorry this is shit.
my fav frerard poem
8/9/16