Frank and Gerard had been separated on a Friday. It was now Wednesday and Gerard was going crazy without Frank. He had been staying at Mikey’s house for the few days since he’d been released from the police station. No matter how often he tried to talk to Mikey or Alicia, he wasn’t getting anywhere. No matter how often he tried to explain, they would ignore him, leaving only Piglet for company. He had even tried to beg for forgiveness, thinking that would earn him their attention, even though he didn’t particularly think he needed to apologise. Yet his apologies were futile anyway, as neither Mikey nor Alicia seemed to take heed of a thing he was saying.
They had let him exist in their house, but only as a stranger. Gerard could sleep on their couch, but he wasn’t provided with meals, Mikey hadn’t leant him any fresh clothes, and he was ignored at all costs. The house was lonely during the day, as both Mikey and Alicia were out atwork, Mikey working in the record store Gerard and Frank had so often visited him at, and Alicia as a receptionist at the building Gerard had worked at. At night they would often go out with friends to avoid being in the same house as Gerard, leaving him waiting up for them until the early hours of the morning, only to be greeted with a disgusted look and a “You shouldn’t have waited up,” before disappearing up the stairs once again. Other times they would stay in at night, but avoid the sitting room where Gerard was staying, like the plague.

All in all, Gerard was lonely. He wished he could go back to stay at his house whilst the police were working the case out, but during the one instance he had tried to leave, and on one of the rare occasions that his brother had actually spoken to him, he had been told by Mikey that staying with a relative was a condition of his bail. So there it was; he was stuck. He had spent the past few days hopeless, spending most of the day curled up in a ball on the sofa, desperately missing Frank’s touch so much that it brought him to tears. He spent the night in a liquid coma, often falling asleep clutching a bottle to his chest and wishing it was Frank and feeling more alone than ever. He missed his boyfriend more than he ever thought was possible. It was what he focused on, more often than worrying about his own fate which was currently in the hands of the police. It felt more of an afterthought, something that mattered but was not overly important. For Gerard, everything was second choice when it came to Frank, and this was no exception.

What made Gerard feel even worse was that both Mikey and Alicia were both often brought in for questioning, both leaving him alone house for hours on end, but more importantly, upsetting them both. Gerard loved his brother and his girlfriend more than a lot of other people in his life, and although it seemed like they really hated him right now, he hated to see them come home, Alicia in tears and Mikey with his arm around her, smouldering in anger. Gerard hated to think of what the police were saying about him, what they must think of him, and more importantly, what Alicia and Mikey must think of him now. The worst part of this was not knowing, as well as watching his close relationship with his brother slowly slip away as he was accused of horrors he would never even consider. By this stage the whole family knew of Gerard’s escapades, and often the whole house would be alive with the sound of the phone ringing, often late into the night, with estranged relatives calling to ask “Is it true? Is it true what Gerard did?” Gerard coped with this by downing some alcohol, and noticing that Mikey didn’t care at all to stop him; even though he knew how hard he had struggled, downing some more. While all of this was going on around him, Gerard spent the days moping; his days only broken by regular trips to the station where he was questioned or rather screamed at by investigating officers.

Today was one of those days. Gerard was lying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the time he and Frank had fed the swans at the local park. One of them had decided he wanted more than bread, and chased them both for what felt like more than a mile until they accidentally dropped all the bread and the rather large swan had decided that was close enough and let them escape. Gerard was smiling at the memory, but no sooner had he smiled, he wanted to cry. He missed Frank more than anything and at the stage, he honestly didn’t think he’d ever get to see him again. The thought of this was enough to make him want to die, and at this, the familiar feeling of depression began to wash over him. It had been getting worse recently. He used to be able to keep a lid on his feelings; Frank was more important, he needed to focus on his feelings and his depression. But now Frank was gone and Gerard was left to mope, over analyse and basically just tear down all the progress he had made over the past year or so. Today was no exception. He just wanted to wallow in self pity. Unfortunately Mikey was not about to let that happen yet again. He loomed over his brother, snapping Gerard out of his reverie with a fright. “Jeez,” jumped Gerard, “what the hell, Mikey?”

“Get up,” was Mikey’s only response. “What?” questioned Gerard, quizzically. Mikey hadn’t spoken to him for days and now he was suddenly giving him orders. “You heard me,” insisted Mikey. “I said get up. You’ve been moping around this house for way too long and it’s really starting to piss me off. I wouldn’t be surprised if the couch has grooves in it from your butt!” Gerard scoffed. “Okay, and what do you expect me to do?” he asked sarcastically. Mikey laughed, annoyed, “Like you don’t know. The hospital have been calling for days now, they need you to pick up all your stuff so they can clear out your office for your replacement. They said if you don’t come today, they’re just gonna throw your stuff out. So come on, go pick up your crap.”
“Wow, Mikey,” groaned Gerard. “Thanks for reminding me and kicking me when I’m down. Couldn’t have put it a bit more softly, no?” asked Gerard who was still on the couch, staring at Mikey. “Nope,” answered Mikey. “Now go, go, go,” he said, looking like he was about to push hisolder brother off the couch if he didn’t at least make an attempt to move. “Fine,” groaned Gerard; getting off the couch with enormous effort. It looked so funny that Mikey almost chuckled. “Come on,” he said, herding his brother upstairs. “I’ll lend you a shirt. I don’t want everything thinking you turned in a hobo whilst you were gone.” Gerard scoffed. “Oh wow, bro. Thanks for your consideration.”

Half an hour later when Gerard was changed and deemed clean enough by Mikey to leave, he was once again herded out by his younger brother. “You sure I should go? You sure they’re not going to realise their mistake and hire me again?” joked Gerard. Mikey smirked, tossed his brother the car keys and shut the door in his face. “I really doubt that.”

Gerard’s drive to his once work place was quick, yet Gerard was wracked with horrid thoughts about how this would be the last time he would ever drive to work, the last time he would ever see his co-workers. Yet at the same time he knew this was not really the same, it wasn’t like he was transferring to work at another hospital, or leaving for another job. He had been kicked out, fired, and he knew the co-workers he might meet would treat him only with disdain. Mostly, Gerard wondered about Frank. He wondered if Frank was there, if he would be able to see him. More than likely Gerard knew Frank would be, especially with the police officers warning that he'd have Frank in there by the end of the week. Yet Gerard also knew that if Frank was there, he’d be prevented from seeing him at all costs. He had wanted to come to the hospital days ago and try and visit him, but he knew it would only piss off the officers working his case and get himself into trouble. As Gerard pulled into the parking lot, he resolved to quickly grab his stuff and leave, instead of waiting around to see Frank, accidentally causing trouble and getting unnecessary attention.

---

Gerard walked into the hospital and immediately walked into chaos. Everyone was rushing around, clearly panicked, shouting to each other in desperate tones and dashing in and out of rooms. Clearly they were looking for someone and Gerard’s suspicions were confirmed when orderlies called out to each other, worriedly stating “He’s not in here,” “No, he’s not in here either.”

“Damn it,” one of the orderlies sighed to the other, looking pretty beaten down and hopeless as he leant up against the wall, tired from searching. “We’ve looked everywhere. Where could he be?” The other shook his head, looking just as exhausted as the other. Clearly they had been looking for this missing person for quite a while. “I don’t know, man,” resolved the first, “But we’ve got to find him soon or we’re gonna be in a fuck load of trouble. Let’s go check some of the rooms on this floor again, he might be moving around. Becky and Sally are checking upstairs; if he’s not down here, we’ll go help them look there.” The orderly nodded and the two sloped off down the hall together, back on their search, having not noticed Gerard at all. Gerard briefly considered helping them look for this missing kid, but decided against it, knowing it wasn’t his business anymore. He continued to his office with resolve and gripped the door handle. Stepping inside, he felt a sort of relief wash over him, sort of like he could breathe again. This was his office after all, his own little corner of the hospital. It was his, at least for a few more minutes anyway. He decided to take a minute to breathe, and to mourn the loss of his job. However, the relief he had felt only seconds before, quickly evaporated as he looked to the corner of his office and saw the sobbing, drugged up mess that was sat there.

---

Frank looked like shit. Like, not the usual ‘I just woke up from a night of drinking and now I’m desperately hung-over, and I feel even worse than I look, if that’s possible' bad. No, this was the kind of bad you look after you’ve had a nervous breakdown, your life has gone to shit and you haven’t been medicated in several days. Yeah, he looked pretty awful. His hair was all matted and looked rough, like it hadn’t been brushed for days, and was covering up most of his face, his long fringe covering his eyes. He was shaking all over, especially his hands which were covered by his long sleeves, and although the material covering Frank’s arms was dark, from where he was standing, Gerard could clearly see spots of blood covering his clothes. More worrying were the objects surrounding Frank; bottles of vodka Gerard had stashed in his drawers when he started drinking at work, one of which was half empty and clutched in Frank's fist, sharp stationary Gerard suspected Frank had been using for something more than writing letters, and scariest of all, lines of pill bottles Gerard, like all the other doctors, had kept in his office, lined up together in a row. When Gerard had walked in, Frank had been sitting down, backed against the wall, his legs crossed and his head resting on his knees. Yet when Gerard had opened the door, Frank had jumped and looked up at the noise straight away and his eyes had instantly connected with Gerard’s. Gerard had really got scared then. Frank had a crazed look in his bloodshot eyes, like nothing Gerard had ever seen before. He looked totally out of it, like he was totally off his head and about to go on a murderous rampage and exact revenge on anyone that had ever wronged him. If he was even able to get up from the floor after the effect the drugs he had clearly been given had on him, that is. He looked crazed, disconnected, out of it. He had clearly been crying.

Gerard was surprised that Frank didn’t rush to see him straight away, yet he was sure Frank actually couldn’t move without falling over at this stage. Instead Frank stared at him, a tear slowly rolling down his face, and whispered his name, his voice cracking. “Gerard.” And there he was; Frank was back. Gerard made his way over to Frank with caution, still wary, but slipped beside him, casually sliding Frank’s newly found stationary away, slowly so he wouldn’t notice. Gerard felt overwhelmed; he just wanted to grab Frank, pull him into his arms and cry and cry, feeling totally relieved that the love of his life was once more right back in front on him, right where he could see him; and although Frank was obviously damaged by their forced separation, that thought itself comforted Gerard. Gerard slipped his hand into Frank’s. “I missed you so fucking much, babe,” he whispered, his own voice breaking as he tried to keep it together. “You can’t even imagine.” And then suddenly, there was Frankie, falling into Gerard’s arms, snaking his arms around his waist and sobbing into his chest from utter relief. The bottle of vodka slipped out of his hands and fell onto it's side, the clear, burning liquid splashing onto the floor. “I missed you too, I missed you so, so, so much, Gee,” Frank murmured into Gerard's shoulder, in between snivels. “You have no idea. Oh god, Gerard, it was awful,” he sobbed.

“Tell me about it, baby,” asked Gerard, as his stroked his boyfriend’s hair. “Tell me everything.” Frank looked up at Gerard before burying his head in the crook of his arm and began mumbling into his chest. “Oh god, it was just so horrible. At the police station, after I was taken away from you, they started asking me all these horrible questions about you, about us, asking me all sorts, accusing you of all these horrible things, making me cry. And no matter how often I told them everything, the truth, they wouldn’t believe me, they kept telling me to tell them the truth, Gee, but I was; I was, I swear. But they didn’t believe me; they didn’t believe a thing I said. They didn’t believe me when I told them I loved you, and that you love me. No, they said I was wrong. They said you didn’t love me, you just used me; that we could never love each other. They said our relationship was sick and wrong, and that I’m too young to know what love is. But I’m not, Gee, I’m not. I know what love is. I know because when you feel it, you just know. You just know, okay, and I knew, I knew all those months ago, I knew that I loved you and you loved me, and there was nothing anyone could say or do to change my mind about that. I knew that then and I still know it now, I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything, I promise you I do. I love you more than playing my guitar for hours in the dark until the sun rises, I love you more than coming home to Mama who gets so excited to see me that she cries, I love you more than finding a new book and reading it and reading it until it’s finished and still wanting more. I know what love is, and I know that my love for you is greater than all of those things put together and more over. I knew that when we fell in love, I’d love you forever. Maybe they're the ones that don’t know what love is, because I really doubt they’ve ever felt whatever I feel for you when they don’t even notice that I love you so, so much that it hurts, and that you love me too.”

Gerard couldn’t do anything but hold his love closer and mumble, “I know sweetheart, I know,” in his ear, touched at how much Frank claimed to love him and feeling the exact same thing himself. He knew Frank had more to say though, so he didn’t interrupt him and let him carry on.

“Anyway,” carried on Frankie, snivelling and sniffing as he spoke, “they just kept repeating over and over again that you were a bad man, that you had taken advantage of me, that what we had done together was wrong; explaining it in the simplest of terms that I was a fucking retard, like I was crazy or slow or something, just because I was in the psych ward for a few months. It really fucking pissed me off, and I started to get so fucking angry, I just wanted to see you and they wouldn’t let me; and then I started crying and it was like I couldn’t stop and god, it was so awful. I felt like my brain had just fallen out of my head because I couldn't think of anything logically and I knew I had to stop crying but I just couldn't. All I could think of was you; my head was screaming your name. All I wanted was you to make me feel better, to make it all go away but they said I couldn’t see you, that I would never see you again, that they would make sure of that and that you were going away for a long time. And then they made me get up, said we had to leave right away, but they didn’t tell me where we were going, they just put me in a car and drove, and they wouldn’t answer my questions. I kept asking if we were going to see you but they wouldn’t tell me anything, just kept telling me to calm down and relax and then I started to get really scared cause I knew, I just knew, and I started trying to open the car door so I could get out cause I was so fucking scared, I knew where we were going and I’d have rather have taken my chances on the pitch black road in the middle of the night with cars coming at me from all angles than ever go there again, not after you all promised I’d never ever have to go there again. I kept telling them this, that you promised I wouldn’t have to go there again, back to that prison, and trying to open the door and they all just grabbed me and held me and I couldn’t move and I couldn’t stop crying and my head hurt so much from it all and I just wanted you, Gee, I just wanted you so badly.”

He was crying by now, big fat tears rolling down his face as his words became even harder to understand; strung together and each word said more quickly than the word before as if Frank just couldn’t get his words out fast enough and was desperate to convey the pain he had felt over the last few days as quickly as possible, wanting Gerard to understand more than anything and understand right now. Gerard didn’t have the heart to ask Frank to slow down and so he listened to the boy who was shaking in his arms, trying to keep up with him as he recanted his story of how he came to be in Gerard’s office, pills and alcohol surrounding him.

“We pulled up outside the hospital and I just lost it, something inside me just snapped and I just broke. I started screaming and crying and fighting to get out of their grip, trying to scratch and bite the arms that were holding me as they dragged me inside. It was crazy but I was just desperate to get away, and suddenly it was like I was watching myself, looking completely stark raving mad, but at the same time I couldn’t stop myself because I didn’t even feel like me. I felt like I was watching someone else, and it honestly terrified me. I had totally lost control, because the thought of being away from you, locked up in this hellhole yet again, after I thought I was finally free…It just broke me, and I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted to get away from everything. I knew I needed to calm down, I knew acting that way wasn’t doing me any favours but I just couldn’t stop screaming...After that I can't remember anything, it's all black. They must have sedated me or something cause the next thing I knew I was locked in my old room, and I've been there ever since. The police came to see me a few days ago, to ask me some more questions, but that got me even more upset. I couldn’t handle speaking to them again, having to talk about you but being nowhere near you and not knowing what they were doing to you or saying to you. I’ve just been stuck in my room this whole time, not knowing what’s going on outside, what was happening to you, nothing. It’s been driving me crazy."

"Some orderly must have left my door open this morning and I noticed a few hours ago so I took my chance and snuck in here. I just wanted to be somewhere you had been, even if you weren’t here now. I just needed to be close to you in some way. I thought if I didn’t get away from that room I would have gone stir crazy. Once I got in here I just felt so much calmer, like I was safer. I’ve been in here ever since, I can hear everyone outside but I've been quiet and I guess they just haven’t thought to look in here yet, I mean the place is pretty big. I just needed a place to go and hide, to get a break from everyone out there. But then I found all these pills and all this alcohol and this compass..And well, things got a bit out of hand."

Frank looked towards his blood stained arm and then up at Gerard with regret and apologies in his eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s just…I didn’t think I’d ever see you again and it just made everything so much more unbearable. I should have never-”

“It’s okay,” said Gerard cutting him off as he gripped his hands. “It’s alright, sweetheart. I won’t tell.” Frank nodded; glad. “It’s just, this is what I do when I’m scared or stressed or worried and god, all those emotions have been in overdrive lately. I hadn’t seen a something sharp in days, it’s all been kept away from me, so when I saw these, I didn’t even think, I just cut myself like I was on autopilot, as if it was the only logical thing to do. I just kept thinking about what happened the other night and I just couldn’t stop myself…Oh god, it was horrible.”

“What happened the other night?” asked Gerard, worrying about what Frank was about to say. “My mom…She came here to visit me.” said Frank, starting to cry again. “Oh god, it was just so awful; I had no idea she was even coming, I was just sat in the common room trying to get used to the fact that I was in here again, and then the door opened and a nurse sent her in and I freaked out, I was just too much to handle. I mean, I hadn’t seen her in months, she basically abandoned me when I needed her most, and suddenly she’s in front of me again after not seeing her in over six months, with her newly dyed hair and her new jewellery from her new fucking boyfriend, trying to hug me and touch my face and stroke my hair, telling me how much she’s missed me, like she fucking cares when she doesn’t give a fucking shit. I didn’t want her anywhere near me so I started to bat her away from me and everyone obviously jumped to the same shit conclusions they always jump to and thought I was being aggressive, you know after the other night in the car, so they tried to pull me away from her and then she started shouting at me, saying all these horrible things about me, about you, about how our relationship was wrong and she never thought I’d turn out this way and that she couldn’t believe I was lead so astray. She kept talking about you and how angry she was at you and how if she got close to you again she’d break your neck and how she’s so disappointed in me and what we’ve done disgusts her. She kept looking at me with these fucking pitying eyes that were somehow angry at the same time, and she kept saying ‘I feel sorry for you Frank, I can’t believe this ever happened. Something like this would have never been allowed if you were still living in my house,’ and it made me so fucking mad because we were doing this while I still lived with her, but even if we weren’t she lost her right to comment on my life once she abandoned me without a trace. And I started screaming this at her and they dragged me away and sedated me again and locked me in my room again all on my own. Before the drugs kicked in she came to the door saying how she was sorry but everything she was saying was true and she didn’t want me to hide from the truth…I didn’t care about anything she had to say at that stage, I didn’t care if I never heard another word from her mouth again. But I made myself ask about Mama, you know, my dog, just to put my mind at rest seeing as I didn’t have the chance all this time. And it turns out…”

Frank stopped and shook his head, tears streaming down his face as if it almost pained him to say it. “…It turns out she fucking gave her away!" he exploded, crying with frustration. "She gave away Mama. Apparently her fucking boyfriend hates dogs and made her. She’s been gone for months now. She sold my baby, the one good fucking thing in my shitty life. I’ve been in my room ever since, locked in and left alone the whole time.” Frank finished before sobbing again. Gerard was shocked at the news; he never thought Linda was capable of something like that. He understood her role as the angry mother but with how little she had been involved in Frank’s life over the past few months, he didn’t think she had much right to berate her son. At this stage, both Frank and Gerard felt more like family to each other than Linda did to Frank. And to give away his dog just because her new boyfriend didn’t like them…Well that was unthinkable. But people will do anything for love, Gerard knew that and both him and Frank had proven that in the past.

“Just think,” mused Frank, “In the few months that I’ve been gone, she’s got herself a new boyfriend, changed up her hair, got rid of my dog. It got me thinking, it’s like she was finally able to move on with her life once she got rid of me.” Gerard shook his head. “No, baby-“

“It’s true, Gerard,” interrupted Frank before Gerard could continue. “Don’t say it’s not. And it got me thinking, everyone would be better off without me. Like Christ, how many times have I been in and out of places like this, upsetting my mother, worrying my friends, never even getting better. It’s all just a big waste of everyone’s time and money. And when I’m not in places like this, I’m still miserable, wanting to die and having to hide it from everyone around me so no one worries. And I’m just so sick of it, Gerard; I just can’t live like this any longer. I’ve been trying so hard for so many years and I’m just so tired. I don’t want a life like this anymore, cause it’s not a life, it’s really not. It’s not even an existence, it’s just survival mode gone wrong. I can’t live in survival mode anymore. You don’t know how shit it is to have everybody constantly monitoring your behaviour and worrying about you. And I know you say you love me, and you don’t mind looking out for me, but that’s basically all you’re doing, worrying about me 24/7, always having to watch what you say or do, walking on eggshells. I’m a burden and don’t say I’m not cause I know I am. And all this time, I thought I could handle the pain of this cause I had you, but now…You’re gonna be taken away from me too. You’re gonna go to prison and I’m gonna be locked up in here for months and months and oh god, the thought of it is just so unbearable and I’m so sorry cause it’s all my fault that this is happening to us, I’m so, so sorry," he rambled. "I don’t think I can do this without you; I can't go through this again without you beside me. I know I’m only going to be stuck in here for a few months but that seems like forever. And then that’s only until the next time someone forces me into one of these places again. I feel like this is going to go on for the rest of my life and it's just not worth it, living like this.”

“Frank, no, don’t think like that," cried Gerard. "You’re only eighteen, it’s not like this is gonna last forever, things will get better, I promise you they will." Frank shook his head. “At this stage, I really don't think they will. People have been saying that to me for years, recycling the same old lines. It's just something happy people say to their depressed friends so they'll shut up and not kill themselves cause it'll make them look bad. What does that even mean anyway? 'Things will get better.' I've been depressed and suicidal since I was fifteen. I don't need things to get better anymore, I just need them to be bearable. And I really don't see that happening in the near future. And even if it will happen for me, I’m so tired of waiting for that day. I’ve been like this for three years and when I look back on my life, I can only see the hard times I went through, all the pain, all the nights spent crying and cutting and wanting to die. And when I think to the future, it stretches in front of me and it seems like it’s going to last forever. It’s seems like I’m going to be stuck in the void forever, miserable and hating life and it just seems so pointless. I don’t think I’m going to be able to cope without you. You’re going to be sent away to prison and I might never see you again and it’s killing me; that and the guilt. I just feel so guilty. I feel like I screwed up your entire life and I hate myself for it. I hate myself so much.”

Tears started to slide down Frank’s face as he looked at Gerard. He took a swig from another bottle of vodka beside him and winced at the taste, yet instantly took another as if to drown his thoughts or simply forget his problems. “I just can’t live anymore, Gerard. I can’t. I can’t stand being this way any longer. The only reason I stayed alive for so long was because I love you so much and I wanted to stick around for you. But now you might be sent away and I’ll be in here, separated from you, and it’s just killing me. I can’t do this anymore, Gerard. I can’t live without you, I really can’t. Things have been so bad for so long and I'm starting to think that things are supposed to be like this, that I'm not supposed to live right now. Maybe I'll be happier in another life or another time but not right now...I think something went wrong along the way and the universe it just trying to gently tell me that I need to get the hell off this planet. ”

Gerard’s own eyes welled with tears as he listened to Frank. He wiped the falling tears from Frank’s face and gripped his hands. “So what are you saying?” he whispered, fearing for Frank’s answer. Frank turned to Gerard and then looked away, not daring to look him in the eyes as he nodded to the bottles of pills lined up beside them. “What I'm saying is, I want to die. Hell, I think it'd be best for all of us. My mom would certainly appreciate it. And Gerard, I love you so much, more than anything, you know that. I would do anything to stay with you but we’re not going to be together anymore anyway. So I’m going to do it now. Right now. If I don't, I'll just back out of it and god, I don't want that, not at all. And fuck, I’m going to miss you so much, but I’d rather die than have to live without you. So that’s what I’m going to do. Die, so I don’t have to be without you. Please, please don’t try to stop me. Please don’t tell anyone I’m doing this. Just get your stuff and leave and no one will ever know you were here, you won’t get into trouble. I don’t want to fuck up your life even more. I don’t want you to get the blame for any of this.” Frank turned away and pretended to busy himself getting the pills together, not wanting to look Gerard in the eyes. “Maybe you should go. It’ll make this even harder if we say goodbye properly. At least I won’t miss you for too long. I mean, I'm gonna miss you more more than anything for the few minutes I'll be conscious enough to know we're not together anymore. It'll break my heart but the best part is, soon I'll be too drunk to even know," he said, laughing bitterly, pain and regret for how his life turned out evident in his voice.

Gerard sat with Frank, holding his quivering hand. He gently took hold of Frank's chin and moved it so Frank was once again looking at him. Gerard looked into Frank's tear filled eyes as he thought about what his boyfriend was about to do. He knew he couldn’t stop him, he knew there would be no point in trying to talk him out of it either. Frank was stubborn. Once he’d decided something, that was it. Nothing was going to change his mind. Gerard knew if he called for help, it wouldn’t take Frank more than a few seconds to swallow the pills and then it would be too late anyway. If Frank survived, he would never forgive him for betraying his trust.

Gerard’s thoughts then turned to his own life. He thought about what was going to happen to him, how he would probably be sent away to prison, how he would never see Frank again. He would be kept away from Frank for his entire life, people would make sure of that. Gerard thought about his reputation, about how his life would never be the same again after, or if, he ever got out of prison, about how he would probably never get another proper job again. His mind began to race, thinking about how without a job, he’d probably lose his house and end up on the streets. He thought about Lindsey and how much she must now hate him and how she would probably never let him see their soon to be born baby. He thought about his family and how they all must despite him now, how ashamed of him they must be, He thought about the way Mikey and Alicia had shunned him over the past few days and how they didn't need a fuck up like him in their lives, how they'd all be better off without him. But mostly, he thought about Frank and how his life had changed for the better since he had met him. He thought about how unbearable his life would be without him. Practically not worth living.

“Maybe you don’t have to say goodbye.”

Frank looked up at Gerard, confused. “What? …What are you saying, Gee?” “I’m saying…I’m saying, let’s do this together.” Frank gasped as if the idea of someone wanting to kill themselves was so absurd to him. It was ironic really. “No! No Gerard, you can’t! I won’t let you,” exclaimed Frank. Gerard squeezed Frank’s hand and shook his head. “Frankie, it’s okay," Gerard said, attempting to comfort his boyfriend as he tried to find the words to explain himself.

"I want to do this. My life…It’s pointless without you. It’s falling apart before my very eyes and there’s nothing I can do about it. Everything is falling to shit. I’m going to prison. My family hates me. I’m probably never going to be allowed to see my baby. And all this would be so, so awful but bearable if I knew I had you waiting for me at the other end. But I won’t have you, not if you’re going to do this. I can’t live without you, Frankie. I love you so, so much. If you’re going out, I want to go out with you, together, on our own terms. I never thought I’d have to live without you and I’m never going to, not if I can help it. Hell, if I had never met you, I probably would have done it months again. I've been kidding myself this whole time. I was never truly happy, not like other people are. My drinking problems are always in the back of my mind, and I'll always be damaged because of that. My parents, they love me, but they can and will, never understand. I love them so much but our relationship has never been the same since I started drinking. Why do you think I barely ever mention them? I have a lot of bitter memories, a lot of things I never told you about. Mikey was the one who took care of me for all those years, my poor little baby brother. He was only a kid himself. But now he hates me too, and I don't blame him at all. How can I; I ruined his life. So you see, I really have nothing, not if I don't have you. My family, my friends, I don't want them if I can't have you. ”

Frank looked at Gerard, unable to believe what he was saying. “Gerard, no, you honestly can’t. You can’t do this with me. You have your whole life to live; you have a baby on the way and a family that loves you, whatever you say about them. Just forget about me, please. I love you so much that it practically hurts my head but I can’t bring you down with me, I can’t. Your life, it’ll go on. I don’t want you to die, please don’t die,” begged Frank.

Gerard gripped one of Frank’s shaking hands and cupped his face with his other, kissing his cheek and stroking his face. “Frankie, believe me, I have nothing if I don’t have you. I don’t want to live without you. I never thought my life could be as good as it was with you in it. And without you, everything is just pointless. Everything I built over the twenty three years, would be torn down. It'd be meaningless. Out of all the twenty three years that I was alive, the few months that I was with you are the most important. All the crazy, horrible, scary times when I was practically tearing my hair out from worrying about you, I wouldn't change them for anything. You know why? Because I was still with you and it meant the world. I want to be with you and no one else. If I have to die, I want it to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and if the rest of my life turns out to be the next few minutes, then so be it. I'd be with you and five minutes with you means so much more than fifty years without you. Even five seconds without you next to me is pointless. And maybe you don't want to hear this but I've got to tell the truth - even if you didn’t want me to to go out alongside you, I wouldn’t be able to cope without you for very long anyway. I’d probably just try and end things myself. I’d rather go out with you than on my own. I want to do this."

Frank gripped Gerard’s hand and nodded, crying noiselessly. "Gerard, are really, really sure you want to do this?" Gerard squeezed Frank's hand and nodded. "You can't stop me, Frankie."

Frank nodded himself and sniffed, trying to stop crying. He looked bewildered that his boyfriend confessed he wanted to die with him but he didn't have the strength to discourage him any longer, his own need for wanting to die stronger than anything else.

"Okay…Okay, let’s get this over with. We have to be quick, they’ll probably check in here soon,” said Frank, handing Gerard a bottle of vodka and picking up his own. “It’s a good job you had this stuff in your desk,” joked Frank as he took a slug. “This’ll help, we'll barely feel it. And besides, God, I’ve missed being drunk.”

“Me too, believe me,” laughed Gerard, taking a bottle of the pills and emptying it out onto his palm. Frank did the same. Gerard watched him. For the first time in what seemed like forever, Frank looked calm. His eyes were still red but he had stopped crying and now he just looked determined and relieved, knowing that soon his life would be over and he wouldn’t have to endure the pain he had suffered over the last few years any longer. He seemed almost happy. At the sight of Frank's almost serene expression, Gerard stopped to wonder if this was a good idea but shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts, and hurried to take the pills, determined to get this over with. He wouldn’t back out now; he couldn’t leave Frank alone like this.

“Ready?” asked Frank, a handful of pills of his own hand. Gerard nodded. “Ready.”
“Okay, let’s do this.”

Frank leant into Gerard, resting his head against his shoulder. Gerard wrapped an arm around Frank and kissed his forehead. Each took a long mouthful from their own bottle of vodka and with that they swallowed their handfuls of pills and leant into each other, listening to the other’s breathing get shallower and shallower, totally oblivious to the noises around them as they slipped away easily.

“I love you.”
“I fucking love you too.”

They held each other, their hearts beating slower and slower as they slipped away together, Frank finally getting what he wanted and Gerard happy to follow him to wherever he wanted to go.

---

They were found an hour or so later, their bodies curled into each other, Gerard's jet black hair merging into Frank's brown hair, Frank's tattoos a contrast to Gerard's empty milky white skin. Their bodies were limp and they had stopped breathing long before they had been found but their hands still clasped each other’s, their bodies were still entwined. The blood under Frank's clothes had long since dried and they simply looked like they were sleeping like so many times before, Frank's little body resting under Gerard's chin; Gerard's arms wrapped protectively around Frank as if to protect him, even though the only person Frank had ever needed protecting from was himself. Gerard had never even seen the wounds. Their faces were relaxed, peaceful, and it was obvious to the orderlies who had found them that they had simply drifted off to sleep, comforted by each other’s embrace. The orderlies called for help whilst they hurriedly checked for heartbeats, pulling Frank's body away from Gerard's as they checked him first. However, they heard no dull thud of a heartbeat in either Frank or Gerard and as they laid Frank back in Gerard's arms and waited for help, it became obvious to them both that Frank had finally gotten what he wanted, bringing his boyfriend along with him.

Maybe Gerard was ready to die himself, or maybe he just couldn't stomach the thought of being alone in the world without Frank. It wasn't clear to the orderlies who had found them. They hadn't been there in the few minutes before Gerard and Frank had decided to die together. All they knew was Frank was no longer just a walking ghost with a beating heart, entrapped in depression's clutches, no longer even having the energy to pretend he was happy or that he felt alive. He was no longer dead inside.

No, in death he had finally gotten what he wanted and his twenty three year old doctor, turned lover who would have done anything for him, finally had. They had loved quickly and deeply and harshly at times, but it could never be said that they hadn't loved each other with everything that they'd had and everything that they would ever had. They had given everything to the other. In the end, Gerard's life had been added to that list, happy to die beside Frank so he wouldn't have to die alone, and without the one person that had loved him the most.

Notes

I am so, so sorry for not updating in so long. I only started writing this chapter properly over the last day or two. I've been meaning to get around to it for so long but it seemed like every time I put aside a day to write, I was invited out somewhere.Thank you so much for your patience.

This is the last chapter of Disenchanted but I think I might do a little epilogue soon, to let you know what happened to Lindsey and the baby, etc so stay tuned! But until then, I wanted to say a massive thank you to anyone who read this, commented on it, subscribed, or rated it. I really really appreciate it and I loved writing this fic. I'm so sad to see it go.

I really love you guys a lot. I really can't express how great writing this was, and I really really hope I did the ending justice!

Twitter - idesofmxrch

And by the way, PLEASE comment; it makes me so happy.