Disenchanted

It turned out that Gerard had been telling Frank that the meeting had gone well; except Frank had been half asleep so the news had fallen on deaf ears. When Gerard asked Frank if he was excited the next day and Frank looked at him as if to say ‘What the hell are you talking about?’, Gerard realised his boyfriend hadn’t heard a word of what he had said the night before, and so took great delight in telling him all over again. At the meeting Gerard had stressed how well Frank had reacted to being out of the hospital, and that, along with the fact that he was doing so well was reason enough to release him. As Gerard was Frank’s psychiatrist and the one who Frank had been staying with the last two days, his opinions led to a discussion and Gerard was surprised to hear a few of his colleagues actually agreed with him. And so, after a lengthy discussion, it was agreed that Frank could leave within the next few weeks.

There was no need to keep him here any longer after all. Within the past few months he had been taken off suicide watch and was making a huge amount of progess, or so they thought anyway. In the past month or so whenever Gerard had asked Frank if he still had urges to cut Frank had looked him in the eyes and answered ‘no,’ with a look so sincere Gerard couldn’t think it to be anything else but true. He hadn’t attempted to cut again like he had done when he first got to the hospital and was actually speaking in group therapy instead of shooting everyone daggers and looking like he wanted to kill them all. Well, he'd only speak if he had to, but still, it was something. Because of his progress, there didn’t seem to be a reason to keep him here anymore. Those in charge decided to wait just another few weeks to be certain he really was ready to leave, but he could potentially be released within the month.

Gerard told Frank all this with a huge grin on his face, squeezing his hand with such force that Frank felt like he was going to crush it. Frank was utterly speechless and so just sat there, looking up at Gerard as if he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Gerard pulled him in for a hug and kissed his forehead, murmuring “I love you, Frankie." and "I’m so proud baby,” against his hair. Frank was still pretty speechless so he leant against Gerard and breathing in his familiar, comforting smell of coffee and cigarettes, let a few tears slip out; ones filled with absolute total and utter relief.

Of course Frank was told all this at a meeting later on in the day. He had to go through the whole rigmarole again, pretending to be shocked, but happy. He didn’t want anyone to see him cry, it was enough to have Gerard look concerned and try to wipe away his tears, making him want to crawl into a hole and die out of complete embarrassment. He was doing more crying than he’d like lately anyway. The issue of where Frank was going to live with brought up and Frank stared at the doctors around the table nervously. He only knew two of them, Dr Peters, and Gerard and even though they both smiled warmly at him, Frank still felt like he was being observed and scrutinized by the rest of the panel. He swallowed a lump in his throat, pulled his sleeves down over his hands and tried to look them in the eye. He was told by an older woman, with what seemed like fake sympathy, that they had tried to contact his mother, and although she was happy he was getting out, she didn’t want to see him, not yet anyway, and she certainly didn't want Frank to live with her.

Although he had expected it, Frank felt his heart drop and feeling tears prick in his eyes, he fought back the urge to cry. Even after all this time they'd been apart from one another, his mother still didn’t want to see him. She didn’t have any faith in him at all it seemed; she thought he’d go back to his old ways. Frank tried not to let the fact that his heart was breaking show as he realised apart from Gerard, he was basically alone in the world. I mean, sure he had Ray and Bob back at school but he wasn't sure if that even meant anything anymore. He'd left them without an explanation, for months. Surely they'd hate him by now. Frank realised he hadn't even thought of this before now and it made him feel guiltly, and well as sick to his stomach. He didn't have his friends anymore and he most certainly didn't have his mother as if she didn’t want to see him, even now, then when would she ever?

However, Frank didn’t blame his mother for what she was doing, and he couldn’t bring himself to hate her either. He loved her, and he always would. Frank knew she loved him too; there was no doubt of that. She had tried to help him with everything she had since this had all started at fifteen, but she just couldn't help him anymore. At least that must be what she thought. However, as Frank realised this, his blood ran cold with fear. If he couldn’t stay with his mother, who could he stay with? Would he have to go into care? Maybe they wouldn’t release him after all. Frank started to panic. His mind went blank and he tried to focus on breathing and being logical. Why would they tell him he could leave, only to tell him he couldn’t because his mother didn’t want him, something they knew before they told him they were letting him go. It just wasn't logical. He’d be fine. Everything would be fine. He was still trying to convince himself of this when a squeeze of his knee brought him back to earth. His breathing became steadier as he focused on Gerard’s face which was shooting him a concerned and confused look.

Thankfully the other doctors seemed to be wrapped up in a heated debate, one that Gerard also seemed very concerned about, so they didn’t notice Frank’s mini panic attack and Gerard comforting him. Frank shook his head to reassure Gerard everything was fine and intertwined their hands together, giving his palm a quick squeeze before ripping it away when one of the doctors, a middle aged woman with brown curly hair and too much lipstick, raised her voice to one of the other doctors, a balding but friendly looking man, and almost shouted “Well why don’t you just ask him?”

The conflict caused Frank to jump and he looked to Gerard, hoping for some clue as to what was going on. However, Gerard looked sheepishly at the floor and pretended to ignore him. This caused Frank to be even more confused. He continued to look at Gerard but sighed and gave up when Gerard continued to pretend to be interested in the hardwood floor. “Frank,” began the balding man, fixing him with a small smile. When you get out of here, there’s the matter of where you’re going to live. Now we’ve already discussed you living at your mothers',” he continued, ignoring Frank’s flinches. “And obviously that’s not going to work out. Now, because you’re eighteen, you’re a legal adult. You can, and I’m sure you will, get your own place in the near future, but right now, you need somewhere to stay, just for a month or so until you adjust to the outside world again. Normally you would go back to your parent’s house, but as that isn’t an option, we discussed sending you to care.” Frank’s heart sank and he resigned himself to the thought of a miserable future. “However, we contacted your mother and she wasn’t happy with that option.” Frank’s heart reignited with a little bit more love for his mom. “And frankly,” the balding doctor continued, “neither were we. It would be just like sending you from one institution to another. But it seemed like that was the only option we had. That is until Doctor Way here, suggested something to us earlier today.”

Frank looked between Gerard and the balding doctor in confusion, realising that had been why Gerard had been so awkward. “Gerard has offered for you to stay at his place, just for the month or so that we’ll need to keep an eye on you. Someone would come around every few weeks, just to see how things were working out. This is a pretty unusual circumstance, but it’s definitely happened before. And although this may not be the most appropriate thing to do, it seems like the best option we have. Would that be okay with you, Frank? To live with Gerard?” The balding man asked, looking at Frank with a friendly smile.

Oh, you want me to live with my boyfriend, the person I love most in the entire world? Oh ok, that shouldn’t be a problem.

Frank nodded and sent a small smile to the balding men, trying to look like he hadn’t just won the lottery. “Oh, uh, yeah, I mean, that’d be great. I mean I it, uh, might be awkward or whatever at first, but I couldn’t really think of anyone better to live with. He’s really helped me in the past few months and I know he could help me, you know, adjust. Plus, like you said, this is better than just living in another institution,” Frank answered, repeating the doctor’s words, knowing that would help to convince him. The balding man looked at the woman with too much lipstick and gave her a look as if to say ‘Ha, I told you so.’ The woman looked annoyed that she had been proved wrong and gave a small ‘hmmpf’ before remaining quiet for the rest of the meeting. They went through a few more formalities before the meeting was over, telling Frank that he’d still have to attend weekly therapy sessions whilst he was living with Gerard. Frank agreed happily, preferring an hour a week of torture over constant supervision. They also told him that when he left, Gerard couldn’t be his doctor anymore, and instead Doctor Peters would take over. Frank accepted this easily and by now was just dying to leave the company of the balding man, the woman with the lipstick and everyone else in the room. Except Gerard of course.

The meeting finally ended and Doctor Peters came over to Frank, congratulating him on being released and telling him how proud he was off him. Beside them, Gerard beamed, forever the proud and dutiful boyfriend. Finally, they escaped to Gerard’s office. As soon as the door was shut, Frank pushed Gerard against the wall and pushed his lips to his mouth, pouring all his thanks that he couldn't convey into words into the kiss. Frank broke the kiss minutes later and took Gerard by the wrist, leading him to his desk. Frank leant against the desk and draped his arms around Gerard’s neck, pulling him back into a kiss. Gerard pushed against Frank and lifted him up into the desk, gripping his hips and pulling apart from the kiss to nip at his neck and leave little love bites on his skin. Frank moaned underneath Gerard's touch and tried not to go to pieces underneath him.

After a few minutes, Frank pulled back from Gerard, internally kicking himself for intentionally for choosing to speak when he could have Gerard's lips attached to his own and his hands squeezing his hips. Gerard shot a confused look to Frank. "Something wrong? We can stop if you'd-" Frank shook his head vigorously. "No. No. I just wanted to say thank you. I can't go on doing this without letting you know how thankful I am." Gerard cocked his head, looking more confused than ever. "Thank you?" Frank nodded again. "Yeah. I just...I don't know. For the past while getting out of here seemed like a dream; a stupid, unattainable dream. In the end I stopped thinking about getting out, and I started wishing for it. And after a while longer stuck in this place, I just stopped thinking and wishing to get out altogether cause it just seemed so fucking unlikely, you know?" Gerard nodded. "I thought I was gonna be one of those people that gets stuck here forever, and gets forgotten about. It really seemed like a possibility, especially cause my mom doesn't want to see me anymore." Gerard squeezed Frank's hands and nodded, urging him to continue. "But now, here I am. I'm getting out soon, I really am. It's not just wishful thinking on my part, it's actually really fucking happening. And that seems crazier. Crazier than me, maybe." Frank gave a short bitter laugh, then looked into Gerard's eyes for the first time since he started speaking. "And it's all to do with you. You never gave up on me, you know? And without getting too soppy, I just wanted to say thanks. Like really, truly. You've always been there, fighting my corner, helping me more than I ever thought possible. I'm getting out cause of you, Gerard. And fuck, I love you so much. I never thought I'd love someone this much, never, ever. But I do. So thank you. Thank you for helping me, and thank you for loving me,” he finished, ducking his head to avoid looking into Gerard’s eyes as he knew if he did, the tears in his eyes would spill over.

However, Gerard took his finger and tilted Frank’s chin to face him. He wiped the tears away before they had a chance to fall and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “It was my pleasure, sweetheart. I love you, more than you'll ever know, believe me,” Gerard pressed soft kisses to Frank's lips, cheeks and neck, kissing away all his tears one by one as he stroked his hand with his thumb. Frank sighed and cuddled into Gerard's chest, breathing in his familiar smell and feeling totally and utterly content as Gerard stroked his hair and looked down at him fondly.

Frank went to bed that night feeling nervous for the upcoming weeks, terrified and excited to leave and beyond totally and utterly grateful for Gerard for helping him to get out. He was honestly starting to believe he’d never be able to escape the dark and depressing corridors of the hospital, the sympathetic looks of the staff, the screams he could hear at night and the people who walked around in a drug induced state, looking life dead, lifeless zombies. Perhaps some of them were at this stage. Frank knew this place couldn’t help him, hadn’t helped him (except to get him closer to Gerard). He’d just wished everyone else had listened to him when he’d told them that months ago. Yet, now with the knowledge that he was getting out soon, Frank felt slightly more excited and hopeful for the future. He hoped that this could be a turning point for him; the day he finally started to feel happy.

The hopeful feeling didn’t last long. Excitement for the future was hard to maintain when Frank's mood dropped and he woke up the next morning in the same bed, same place as before, a month seeming further away than ever. It was hard to be optimistic when he wasn’t even happy, and it was getting even harder to maintain to pretence that he was, knowing that if he let his façade slip for one minute he might not get to leave at all. These places were brutal. If you said one thing they didn’t agree with, they could twist it, making it seem worse than before or far out of proportion. They seemed to forget that they were dealing with people with mental illnesses; they weren't going to be totally happy, totally healthy, or totally love themselves for a long time; that was obvious, especially when their problems had gotten so bad that they ended up locked away from other people against their own will. They were always going to have a doubtful perception of themselves, even if it was buried deep inside. Just because they were supposed to be recovering didn’t mean It was easy, didn’t mean they were never gonna say sad, fucked up things. It seemed to be a unwritten rule for all psychiatrists psychologists, and anyone working in the mental health business to completely forget this; to deliberately misunderstand whatever their patients said and make something bigger out of it instead of accepting that fucked up thoughts are a part of recovery. Therefore, Frank knew he had to keep his mouth shut. Talking about how he really felt hadn’t gotten him very far in the past and he wasn’t about to ruin his chances of getting away from this place now when leaving was just within his grasps.

Frank had been pretending to be okay for the past few months, yet he had often spoken to Gerard about how he felt on his worse days, without letting too much slip. However, now he couldn’t. He was deeply aware that although Gerard was his boyfriend and loved him, he was also one of them, and the fact that he loved him, may lead him to betray him in the end. Therefore, Frank was left feeling more alone than ever. He found himself pushing Gerard away slightly, worrying that if he let Gerard get too close, he would figure out that things weren’t okay. He was just hanging on; waiting for the day he could get out and stop pretending.

It was torture having to pretend he was okay for the next four weeks it took for him to be released. No matter how hard he pretended, he knew those around him wouldn’t believe him forever. After all, they were trained to know how people really felt, so Frank was totally baffled by the fact that no one had called him out on his behaviour yet. He often caught Gerard looking at him with a look he couldn’t quite figure out, but he’d just smile at him and pretend he didn’t know exactly what he was thinking. It was like his time was running out and so, he was so relieved when the end of November came and he could leave.

Frank had been looking forward to his release date for the entire month of November. Waiting for something had seemed to make time pass by ever slower and Frank was beginning to believe the 30th of November would never come by. By the time the date rolled around, it didn't even feel real. Frank felt like this was happening to someone else instead of to him and he didn't quite know how to handle it. Frank packed his bag that morning and looked around the little white room he had slept in for the last few months. He didn’t feel anything at all. In fact, the room made him feel slightly sick. Looking around it just made him relive all the horrible thoughts and feelings he’d had over the past few months. The only fond memory he had of the room was all the times Gerard had held him in it, touched him and kissed his tears away. However, even that memory was bittersweet. He left without a second glance, resisting the urge to give the finger to the camera perched above him that had been watching him the entire time.

He went to find Gerard who was singing papers for his release at the front desk and hovered near him, waiting patiently and biting his lip. He quietly urged for Gerard to hurry up as he watched his boyfriend talking and laughing to the receptionist as he signed the papers, worrying that if Gerard took too long, someone would appear out of nowhere and tell him this was all a joke; that he couldn’t leave or that papers had been mixed up and it wasn't him that was supposed to be leaving at all. Gerard finally seemed to notice Frank’s presence, and sensing his nervousness, quickly finished up with the papers, telling the receptionist he’d see her later.

Dr Peters came round to see Frank off and then they were leaving, walking out of the door and getting in the car and Frank was crying from relief and Gerard was holding him close and whispering that he loved him in his ear. Then they were driving to Gerard’s home, which was now Frank’s home too and they were bursting through the door and Gerard was shoving Frank against the wall and kissing him and touching him and whispering that he loved him and Frank was kissing him back and touching him back and whispering “God, I love you too.”

Notes

Finally some good news for Frank :)

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