Disenchanted

They drifted off to sleep that night, a mess of tangled limbs and sweaty bodies, Frank’s bony back pressed up against Gerard’s soft stomach, Gerard’s arms clasped around Frank’s small waist, his face buried into the crook of his neck. Gerard fell asleep far quicker than Frank who was left awake, snuggled into his boyfriend’s embrace; overtired but not able to sleep. Instead he lay awake for an hour or two, staring out of the open window in the bedroom, the cold night air invading the room and making him shiver under the covers. He breathed in the night air and looked up at the stars in awe, his eyes half closed from exhaustion. He almost woke Gerard up to stare at the twinkling lights with him. However, he didn’t, and instead grasped one of Gerard’s hands and pressed in to his mouth, pressing soft kisses against it and thinking about how lucky he was to have found someone like him.

The next morning they both woke up pretty much looking like death with wild sex hair to complete the look and a dire case of morning wood pressed up against the other. They untangled themselves from the other, took one look at each other and burst out laughing, discovering neither of them were exactly gorgeous in the morning. In fact Gerard looked like he was on crack. Gerard’s bleary eyed; half awake, half asleep state was adorable to Frank. That and the fact that he had just woken up next to his boyfriend for the first time ever after a night of amazing sex made him really happy. He was happy as well as horny as as a result Frank was on top of Gerard again within seconds, his bare chest against him and kissing him sloppily, not giving a damn about morning breath; his or Gerard’s. He cupped Gerard’s face with his hands gently as he kissed him passionately. Gerard, getting even hornier, seemed to abandon his attempt at being gentle with his boyfriend and grabbed him by the hips, pulling him closer to him, their bare chests bumping against one another. After a few minutes, Frank pulled away from Gerard, earning an unhappy moan for him. Frank just laughed and placed a few kisses to his jaw before lightly getting off Gerard’s stomach and slipping off the bed. “I’m going for a shower,” he announced and went to leave the room, not bothering to put any underwear on first. “Mmm,” groaned Gerard half-heartedly, and make a lazy attempt to grab Frank’s wrist and stop him from leaving. Frank just laughed and gave Gerard’s hand a quick squeeze before sauntering out of the room, throwing a quick wink over his shoulder. "You fucking tease," mumbled Gerard indignantly. Gerard watched Frank’s ass as he walked away and dropped his head back onto his pillow and sighed. After a few seconds and a mini battle with himself, he lunged up off the bed and made his way to the bathroom, deciding his hand just wasn’t going to do it for him this time.

Frank was in the shower when Gerard opened the door. Apparently Frank had been expecting him as he turned around straight away when he heard the door creak open and grinned. Gerard took in the sight of Frank’s wet body, which was perfect in every way and felt himself get even harder. (Yeah, he really had no idea that that was possible at this stage). Gerard quickly threw off all his clothes, not particularly caring where they landed. He pulled his t shirt over his chest, his stomach taunt as he moved. When he got his t shirt off Gerard was surprised to see Frank staring at him himself, biting his lip with a lustful look in his eyes that drove him crazy. Gerard stepped into the shower, letting the hot water run over his body and dampen his long black hair against his forehead. Gerard wove his arms around Frank’s waist and tugged him closer to him, kissing him softly and carefully as he rubbed his hip with thumb, wanting to convey all his love into one single kiss to show Frank what he felt. He wanted to show him 'this is it, this is love, this is hope it’s supposed to be and this is how it’s going to be for as long as you’re with me'. Gerard knew Frank got the message as when he finally pulled back from his lips, Frank was looking at him with so much love that it hurt. It was times like these where Gerard knew he made the right decision in choosing Frank. It wasn’t even questionable anymore and it hadn’t been for a long time.

In the heat of the kiss, both Gerard and Frank had seemed to forget why exactly they got into the shower in the first place. Apart from, you know, to get clean. However Gerard remembered and reacted quickly, wasting no time. He immediately began pressing kisses to Frank’s jaw and moving down to his neck where he quickly found his sweet spot, causing a low lust filled groan from Frank. Gerard looked for Frank for permission who quickly responded with a small smile and an eye roll as if to say 'Duh, now hurry up.' Gerard grabbed Frank’s hips and hoisted him up, smashing his pale skin against the wall of the shower. Gerard reached over to the shelf beside the shower and grabbed a condom, rolling it on. Frank meanwhile grabbed a bottle of shampoo and handed it to Gerard who muttered his thanks and lathered some on both his fingers and his length. Within seconds Gerard was pushing his fingers inside his boyfriend whose breathing became shallow and measured. Gerard reassured him by kissing him messily. “Shh, it’s okay,” he murmured against the crook of Frank’s neck. Frank shuddered but nodded slowly.

Seconds later Gerard pulled out his fingers and lined himself up with Frank’s ass. He pushed in slowly and waited a minute or so before thrusting into him, causing Frank to wither and moan beneath him and scratch lines into his back. Within minutes Frank was moaning louder than ever and warning Gerard of how close he was. Gerard reassured him he was the same and minutes later they before came together, panting and out of breath but pretty fucking satisfied. They spent the next few minutes letting the cum drain down the plug hole whilst they kissed and let the water run over their bodies. The water gradually turned from scalding hot to horribly cold and that was when they both accepted the fact that they should probably get out. Gerard quickly looked for a fluffy towel for Frank, his sopping hair dripping on the floor as he looked after his boyfriend’s best interests before his own. He quickly found Frank a towel and pressed it into his hands, pushing a soft kiss on his forehead. “Ahh, shower sex,” he laughed as he rubbed his hair with a dirty towel that had been left on the floor by him earlier, obviously satisfied now his needs had been fulfilled. “Shut up,” laughed Frank playfully shoving him in the direction of the kitchen.

Gerard took Frank’s hint and went to the kitchen to make coffee for them both, making a quick pit stop to his bedroom on the way to get clean underwear. They pottered around the apartment for a while longer, getting ready to go to breakfast. Frank tried to convince Gerard he would have been happy to eat at home but Gerard insisted on bringing him out, even if it was just to the closest diner, just so he could see as much of the 'outside world' so to speak, as he could before returning to what he liked to call ‘the prison.’ Gerard knew Frank was only half joking when he called the hospital that. Gerard knew Frank would be horribly sad about going back to the ward and being separated from him once again, so he at least wanted him to have as much fun as possible before he left. He hoped that having Frank stay over at his house had motivated him and made him want to leave the hospital even more than he did right now, if that was even possible.

They decided to walk to the local diner. As they walked, they swung their clasped hands, falling into step beside each other and often bumping into each other from wanting to be as close as possible. They entered the little diner, the bell above the door announcing their arrival, and slipped into a booth. They ate breakfast quietly, laughing over pancakes and orange juice. Frank happily talked to Gerard about whatever topic was brought up and he laughed and teased him over his corny jokes as usual. However Gerard also caught him looking over to the clock hung up on the wall of the diner numerous times. He was obviously keeping track of the time, counting down the hours until he had to leave Gerard’s company and go back to his very own private hell.

After about the fiftieth time seeing Frank either picking at his nails, checking the clock or chewing nervously on his lip, Gerard clasped his hand and squeezed it, not needing to say anything at all. Frank gave him a smile of acknowledgement and squeezed his own hand back; half-heartedly but it was something at least. He didn’t attempt to say anything else, but Gerard noticed from then on he looked at the clock considerably less. Still, he practically had a heart attack when he looked at the clock when they got up to leave and saw that he had to be back at the hospital within the hour. He looked liked he wanted to cry and honestly Gerard just wanted to pinch his cute little cheeks, give him a big hug and then hide him inside his closet before making his way back down to the hospital and claiming that Frank had gotten lost, like a little puppy. Frank always reminded Gerard of a puppy and yet right now he looked like a little lost abandoned puppy, a puppy that had been smacked on the nose and sent outside. It was heart breaking for Gerard to see his boyfriend so upset, especially when he knew he could do nothing about it. As they walked back to Gerard’s apartment, Frank got even quieter. He was barely saying a word by the time they reached the apartment building and let themselves into the apartment to collect Frank’s stuff. All Gerard could do was hold him close, say comforting things and rub the inside of Frank’s wrist with his thumb, something he had discovered Frank found comforting. He was almost scared the first time he had done it as he didn’t know how Frank would react to him touching his scars but when he had leant against him and sighed contentedly, he knew it was the right thing to do. From then on he did it whenever he needed to comfort Frank. Gerard sensed he would need to comfort Frank a lot today.

Frank quickly collected his things, picking his dirty clothes up off the floor and handing some of the stained underwear they had used to clean up after themselves to Gerard to wash later with a smirk. They had time before they had to leave so Gerard went to make a quick cup of coffee to fuel his addiction/habit, whilst Frank went to check his hickeys in the mirror. They had faded to a much lighter colour than before but were still noticeable if you really looked. “What am I going to do about these?” shouted Frank to Gerard who was in the kitchen, hoping he could hear him. Gerard walked out clutching a steaming mug of coffee and watched Frank lightly stroke the bruises on his skin. Frank’s fingernails slightly pulled at the skin as he examined it and he made a slight grimace. 'Well shit,' thought Gerard as he felt his pants grow slightly tighter. 'Yet another weird thing I find attractive about him. Then again, what isn’t there to like.' Frank started at him pointedly through the mirror, his eyebrows raised. Gerard realised he was still waiting for an answer. “Oh! Um, I uh, I don’t know really. They’re not that noticeable anyway.” Frank pulled a face. “Still though…What am I going to do if someone asks?” Gerard set down his coffee and pulled Frank close to him, kissing all over the hickeys. “Say,” *kiss* "my lovely boyfriend whom I love very much I might add," *kiss* "gave them to me. Okay?” Gerard joked, winking at Frank and peppering his face in kisses. Frank rolled his eyes playfully and pushed him away. “You’re going to get me into trouble!” insisted Frank, half-heartedly now. “I’m not, they won’t notice a thing I swear!” promised Gerard. “Anyway, you loved it,” he said, winking. Frank said nothing but shook his head fondly, grinned and dragged Gerard out of the door.

The drive to the hospital was quiet. Gerard drove with one hand, the other clasped in Frank’s stroking his palm with his thumb to calm him. Gerard knew Frank was just trying to keep in his emotions but he could easily see through him and knew how upset he was to go back to the hospital. Gerard took one of the CDs he had gotten Frank for his birthday and slid it in to the CD player, knowing Frank’s favourite songs would calm him down. Frank’s death grip on Gerard’s hand immediately lessened as the music started to play and he relaxed noticeably. Gerard relaxed himself knowing that Frank was feeling better. He silently thanked the crappy punk band Frank adored. After a few minutes he felt Frank’s eyes on him. He turned to Frank who was gazing at him with both shock and adoration. He blushed, quickly realising he had been singing. Gerard had recently discovered that his singing was another thing that calmed Frank but he was still pretty self-conscious about his voice. Not many people had heard him sing. Yet he knew that was was Frank needed right now so he decided to suck it up and sing along to the songs which were of course about all the usual punk things like hating your hometown. He sang self-consciously at first but a grateful squeeze of his hand from Frank was enough to reassure him to keep going. By the time they were nearing their destination Frank was even humming along.

Frank had been looking out of the window for the majority of the journey, his feet bouncing up and down against the floor of the car. When he realised they were nearing the hospital he gripped Gerard’s hand again and made a small noise of terror, almost like a whimper. Gerard squeezed his hand back and just hoped he wouldn’t try to do something stupid like make a run for it when they parked. Thankfully he didn’t, yet Gerard had locked the doors just in case. Instead Frank turned to face Gerard, biting his lip so hard it bled. Gerard wiped the blood away with his finger and brushed his fingers against Frank’s face, silently reassuring him things would be okay. “I don’t want to go back,” Frank finally confessed, his eyes filling with tears that threatened to spill over. “I hate it there,” he cried. “I hate it so much.” Gerard’s heart broke as he looked at his vulnerable and snivelling boyfriend. “I know, I know,” he murmured, pulling him in for a hug. “I know you do, sweetheart.” Frank burst into tears against Gerard’s back and gripped him tightly. “It’s so horrible there. I feel so alone there. I know I have you but…” Frank stopped and drew back from his boyfriend’s embrace, shaking his head and looking disgusted at himself that he gave in and broke down. “No, never mind.” He tried to smile but it was weak and it didn’t fool anyone. Gerard looked concerned as he wiped the tears away from Frank’s face. “Baby, what were you going to say?” Frank shook his head and Gerard knew he wasn’t going to get any more out of him. “Nothing, it’s nothing. I just miss you when you go, you know? I’ve been here for a long time and I just want to be with you properly.” Gerard nodded, totally understanding but also pretending like he didn’t know there was more to it. However, he had known Frank would be upset at having to leave him and go back to the hospital. He expected it so he decided to not dwell on it too much. Instead he kissed Frank gently on his lips then again on his jaw, his neck, his forehead, his temple, his cute little nose. By this time Frank’s tears had dried and he was at least attempting to smile again. Eventually they got out of the car and made their way inside, Frank clutching his overnight bag as well as his birthday presents from Gerard and looking panicked like a deer in headlights. Gerard couldn’t touch him anymore now so he had to make do with sending him supportive smiles.

When they got inside, Frank immediately sloped off to his room under the pretence of unpacking but really he just wanted to get away from everyone; away from the nurses asking how his visit went, away from the kids who had been here for so long that they couldn’t remember what it was like in the ‘outside world’ and would undoubtedly have plenty of questions. Really he just slipped off his jeans and crawled into bed, pulling the covers over his body and pressing his face into the pillow to try and stop himself from crying. Frank knew Gerard now had a meeting to discuss how the visit out had gone. He knew this would determine how quickly he got out and prayed Gerard wouldn’t tell them about his mini breakdown outside. He cursed himself for letting his façade slip even for a second. He was angry at himself, angrier than you would ever believe and it was all he could do not to scream into his pillow and scratch up his thighs with his fingers. Instead he tried to sleep knowing Gerard would be gone for an hour or so.

He woke up hours later to someone perched on the side of the bed and stroking his hair. The person muttered an apology for waking him up and started talking about the meeting in hushed tones. However it was all just words to Frank who was too tired to even keep his eyes open properly. He heard the words ‘good news,’ and ‘soon,’ and ‘good behaviour,’ he heard the voice talking about appointments and being busy and being gone all day and suddenly the voice was gone, leaving Frank alone, leaving him safe to sleep and not have to pretend to be fine. If he had to pretend any longer, he knew he would scream. Frank quickly drifted off back to sleep and woke up hours later, expecting to be back in Gerard’s arms. The realisation that he was alone, in the same old room in the same old place, kept here day after day like an endless cycle, like an eternal groundhog day hit him like a ton of bricks. He cried silently into his pillow, the self-loathing back in full force, without Gerard’s kisses to fend it off. And for the first time in a while, he didn’t attempt to make himself feel better. Instead he welcomed the self loathing and the sadness with open arms, realising he needed Gerard more than ever before to make this all go away. However that wasn't an option right now and he wasn't about to leave his room and let everyone know how upset he was. He wanted to keep it to himself, let himself feel as bad as possible. Being with Gerard had made him happier than ever before and now he was alone without his comfort, he realised how much he had missed hating himself this much. It sounded ridiculous but it was true.

Frank ended up sleeping for most of the day. He was left alone because everyone assumed he was just tired and because he was hidden under his duvet covers, the cameras couldn't see how upset he was. He woke up in the evening disorientated and feeling worse than ever. Gerard stepped into the room an hour or so later and Frank didn't even question why he was there. Gerard grabbed his hand and pressed and soft kiss to his lips. "You okay, baby?" whispered Gerard as he stroked Frank's hair away from his face. Frank nodded and attempted to smile, glad that sleep had caused his tears to dry and leave no indication of what a horrible day he'd had. Gerard smiled at him and held his hand, chattering to him softly until Frank fell asleep yet again, too tired to pretend he was okay.

Notes

I was doing exams so I couldn't update until now.

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