Disenchanted

Over the next two months Gerard spent more and more time with Frank. He would come in early, leave for his appointments with his other kids and come back to Frank as soon as he was finished, abandoning the fact that he could leave at six and staying well into the evenings. As everything with Lindsey was sorted out, Gerard had been relieved of a lot of stress. This meant that he could totally focus on his job once again and was quickly back into the swing of things. Although the thought of Frank constantly filled his mind, Gerard was moving forward with the rest of his patients. He could see them, as well as Frank, slowly getting better and nothing made him happier. It was an amazing day for him when one of the kids he saw who had been coming to him since he had started out, decided she was finally on her way to getting better and didn’t need to see Gerard anymore. What made it even better was Gerard knew she wasn’t just trying to hide from her problems in an attempt to make them go away. In fact Gerard had noticed a huge change in her in the past few months and was himself about to suggest she stopped coming to therapy for a while and see how she got on. Gerard was extremely happy to have helped someone so much that they felt they could now function without professional help. It gave him faith in himself, in his job and his ability to help people. Another reason he was pretty happy with this arrangement was that it meant he could spend even more time with Frank.

Gerard had spent many hours with Frank over the past two months. In those two months Frank had seemed to really open up to Gerard and Gerard could really see he was doing his best to answer his questions and try and get better. Gerard could still see how much Frank was struggling but even the fact that he wasn’t resisting help anymore meant something to him. Every day they would talk about Frank’s feelings and his depression and his need to self-harm. Some days Gerard really saw it was helping Frank to talk. Other times it was too hard for Frank to get the words out and even if he had been able to, he wouldn’t have wanted to. Some days were good days, some days were bad days. Some days Frank would greet Gerard with a huge smile on his face and they would sit and talk and laugh, watch movies and hold hands and Gerard would leave that night feeling content and excited that Frank was his to call his own. Other days Gerard would come to the hospital and Frank wouldn’t be there to greet him. The hallway would feel cold and empty and straight away he’d know today was not going to be a good day. He’d get whispered to on his way to Frank’s room that Frank was having a bad day and it would fill him with dread. When he entered Frank’s room he’d see him in a crumpled mess in bed, staring at the wall with vacant eyes and a tear streaked face. Those days were the hardest. Gerard couldn’t get Frank to eat or sleep or talk or even look at him. He’d stay with him the entire day, holding his hand and talking to him, trying anything to bring him out of his stupor. When he’d leave for the night he’d be terrified about leaving him and would toss and turn half the night himself, knowing at the other side of town Frank wouldn’t be sleeping either. He’d wonder what he could do to ease Frank’s pain and wish that he could make his depression go away. However, no matter what Gerard tried he couldn’t, it just wasn’t possible. And boy, did he try.

Gerard would sit with Frank at group therapy everyday listening to the stories of the other kids that inhabited the floor. Hearing their thoughts and feelings broke Gerard’s heart. What made everything worse was the fact that Frank, his lovely boyfriend, had the same thoughts and feelings as many of these people. It was scary to hear people who looked so normal on the outside voice such horrible thoughts. It almost made Gerard forget that there were people out there who we so blissfully ignorant and had no idea what depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or eating disorders, to name a few, were like. Every day Gerard thanked whatever god that was up there that those people existed.

Gerard knew Frank was getting restless being locked up for long. He was trying to keep him entertained, he really was but it didn’t seem to be working. After all, Frank was a seventeen year old boy, and although he wasn’t a sporty kind of guy, he also wasn’t happy about being kept indoors nearly all the time. It wasn’t exactly natural and it was also pretty unfair. The inhabitants of the ward rarely got to go outside and when they did it was for a short period of time and of course they were kept under constant supervision. It wasn’t what Frank was used to at all. He was used to being independent; staying out till all hours, drinking and smoking until morning at parties, coming home at god knows when. He didn’t like being detained, he didn’t like being controlled. He wasn’t allowed alcohol, or even coffee for goodness sake; he was barely even allowed his cigarettes. Quite frankly, Frank was bored. He had expressed this to Gerard several times and although Gerard had offered to bring him books or magazines but Frank had refused, knowing he would have no motivation or interest to read them. He was still finding it hard to concentrate, even on tv shows or movies. He couldn’t follow the story lines, even of things he had seen a thousand times, and would often forget things that had just happened, meaning for the moment, things that required concentration were meaningless for him. However he had expressed his need for music a few times now which made Gerard happy. It meant Frank was at least interested in something, even though that love and need for music had never really wavered. Headphones weren’t allowed at the hospital for obvious reasons so instead Frank and Gerard had come to a conclusion that suited them both. Gerard went through Frank’s iPod that Linda had left with him and downloaded the albums on it to his laptop for Frank. It took fucking forever, but the smile on Frank’s face when he got to hear his favourite music for the first time in a few months was worth it. Therefore, for an hour or two a day Frank would go into Gerard’s office and they would listen to music together. Gerard couldn’t stand a lot of Frank’s bands but he was willing to endure them for him. They also found a few bands they both liked which caused a lot of excitement between the two of them, and Gerard also managed to convert Frank to a few of the bands he liked. It was comforting for Frank to listen to the bands he loved and was something which calmed him down during a bad day. Frank really appreciated what Gerard had done for him, and as the days went on their relationship grew stronger.

Frank and Gerard used a lot of their extra time in therapy snuggled up together, their hearts beating faster with the combination of their skin touching and the idea that they might be caught at any moment. Their cuddling also turned to kissing on many occasions, which then turned to making out. They hadn’t gone much further than that however. It seemed both men were ready to go further but didn’t quite know how to say it to the other. Frank because he was awkward and still had a lot of confidence issues, meaning at random moments he would get bursts of dread and be plagued with the thought that his boyfriend found him disgusting and grotesque; Gerard because although he loved Frank a huge amount, he was scared of being thought of as taking advantage of him. After all, Frank was still underage by a few months, unstable and under his care. It also didn’t help the fact that neither of the two men had plucked up the courage to make a move on the other, which added to the insecurity.

Frank and Gerard were talking in the garden one Saturday, cross legged on the floor, running their hands over the grass and absentmindedly plucking certain blades, when a shadow fell across them and blocked the sunlight. Both looked up but Frank looked away with disinterest when he saw that it was Doctor Peters. Gerard on the other hand got up straight away, a million thoughts running through his head. Evan gave him a small smile and beckoned him over a short distance away from Frank. “What’s up?” asked Gerard nervously. He couldn’t help but constantly worry himself and Frank had been found out whenever another member of staff wanted to talk to him. “Oh not much,” smiled Evan although his brow was creased with stress. “There’s just a small problem with the cameras.” “Oh, what’s that?” “They’ve broken.” Gerard’s own brow creased. “Broken, what do you mean?” “I mean they’ve broken. I don’t know why, they’ve basically just cut out. I’ve had someone on the phone already; they’re coming out tomorrow. But the problem is tonight. Obviously we can’t do without them, especially with the kids on suicide watch,” he said, nodding slightly in the direction of Frank who was sitting watching them inquisitively, a half-hearted attempt at a daisy chain forgotten in his hands. “Mmm,” Gerard agreed, secretly hating the way Evan was speaking about Frank; although nothing he was saying wasn’t true. Well, he guessed he was the jealous type. “What are we going to do then?” Evan scratched the back of his head and pulled a face. “That’s the thing; I think I’ve figured it out. It just depends on everyone’s co-operation.” Gerard pulled his own face. “Go on.”

“Ok, so my plan is that one member of the staff goes to each room and spends the night on a camp bed or whatever, just so we know for sure the kids are safe and nothing can happen to them that we won’t know about while the cameras are out.” Gerard nodded and Evan continued. “Now there’s not that many kids in this unit as you know and we have enough staff to room with them for the night because there are two kids to each room. But the three kids on suicide watch, including Frank, need to stay by themselves. They’re the most dangerous kids we have here. Because they need to be on their own it means we need one person to each room, but we’re short staffed. So I was wondering if you’d be able to room with Frank for the night. I know it’s not your job, and it’s asking a lot but it’s a pretty desperate circumstance. And of course it’d only be for the night. What do you think?”

Gerard was shocked. Essentially he was being asked to spend the night with his boyfriend. Of course he didn’t hesitate to accept. “Of course Evan. Jeez, no need to look so stressed!” laughed Gerard, trying to hide the fact that he was ecstatic to have to chance to spend the night with Frank. Even if they didn’t get a chance to do anything they would get to sleep together, something they had never gotten a chance to do before. Frankly, Gerard wasn’t sure they’d get the opportunity for months and months until Frank was released. Evan laughed, clearly relieved. “Great! Thanks so much Gerard! And I know, I shouldn’t stress so much but I was worried you wouldn’t be able to work tonight for some reason and then I’d have to compromise the safety of the kids by rooming them together.” He laughed again, catching himself beginning to get stressed once again. “I mean, I know they’re not serial killers or anything thing like that, bloody hell I couldn’t cope if they were, but I care about them, you know? I want them to be safe.” Gerard smiled at Evan; heart warmed about how much he cared. “I understand.”

“Phew, okay, great. So you can leave now to get some of your stuff and come back in a few hours if you want.” “Great,” Gerard smiled at Evan as he went off, no doubt to organise the rest of the staff for their night of inconvenience, and wandered back to Frank. “What was all that about?” asked Frank immediately as Gerard plopped down onto the grass, his eyes squinting in the sun. “Cameras are broken.” Gerard answered simply, picking at the grass once again. “What?” questioned Frank, his eyes widening. “Yep. There’s someone coming out to fix them tomorrow though, but for now all the staff have to room with you guys tonight to make sure you don’t get up to any funny business,”replied Gerard, winking at his boyfriend. “What the fuck?” Gerard chuckled at Frank’s face which was both equally surprised and pissed off. “Yep. Looks like you’re spending tonight with me, baby.” Frank’s eyes widened once again and his face broke into a huge grin, before shrugging his shoulders happily. “Fine with me.”

Notes

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