Disenchanted

By the time the movie was over, Gerard had his arm around Frank and had long since stopped concentrating on the screen. Instead he was gazing fondly at the teen in front of him, who had no idea. As the end credits rolled the kids who had been watching dispersed into small groups leaving Frank and Gerard alone. Frank yawned softly and stretched, gazing up at Gerard. “Hey.” He smiled. “Hey,” replied Gerard, offering his own smile to Frank. “You doing okay?” asked Gerard. Frank nodded. “Yep,” he answered, smiling at Gerard. “That’s good,” replied Gerard, moving to get up. “I should probably go let someone know I’m here to be honest. I don’t think anyone actually knows I’ve been here this whole time.” Frank laughed. “I was watching a movie with Frank I swear!” imitated Frank. “That is literally going to happen five minutes from now,” laughed Gerard, getting up from the sofa and offering his hand to Frank, pulling him up once he took it. “I’ll see you later, right?” asked Frank, biting his lip. “Of course,” reassured Gerard. “I mean, you have daily therapy don’t you?” Frank nodded; looking like the thought of it annoyed him. “I’ll see you there then,” smiled Gerard, walking Frank out of the common room. As they walked into the hall, the nurse from earlier named Katie walked up to them. “Oh look, it’s your favourite person in the world!” whispered Gerard to Frank, failing to keep a straight face as Frank rolled his eyes. “Yes, you hate me, I know, I’m sorry,” laughed Katie as she dragged Frank back to his room.

Gerard chuckled and went on his way. He wasn’t sure where he should go, or even if he would have his own office to go to, but he decided the best thing to do would be to look for Frank’s old doctor, Evan. As Gerard was slowly wandering the halls in search for the older man, a door opened and he stepped out. Pretty good timing. A look of recognition quickly passed over his face. “Gerard!” Gerard quickly shook the hand he was being offered and smiled nervously. “Sorry I only came to find you now. I got here a few hours ago but-“ Evan laughed. “Don’t worry, Katie told me that you had arrived a few hours ago. I know you weren’t late so don’t worry.” Gerard blushed. “Well, I better show you your office,” Evan continued, beckoning Gerard to follow him. They walked for a minute or two before stopping at a door. “Here we are,” said Evan, opening the door to reveal a small but clean office. It was painted white and was filled with a large desk with two comfy looking armchairs, one at either side of the desk. There was a large window that looked into the hospital’s garden and a filing cabinet beside it. “We even got you the obligatory office plant.” laughed Evan, pointing to a large potted plant in the corner of the office. “This is great, really,” replied Gerard, smiling. “No problem,” smiled Evan. “Just happy to have you here. I’ll get Katie to send Frank up to you in a bit. Seeing as he’s the only patient you have to deal with, you can spend as many hours with him as you need, or as little as you need. The minimum amount of time you need to spend with him is one hour a day though. Is that alright?” asked Evan. “That’s great thanks,” replied Gerard, excited at the prospect of seeing Frank so often. They chatted for a few minutes more before the older man left. Gerard sat in his new chair and began to organise the files he had brought from home and add more to them.

After an hour or so there was a knock on the door and it opened to reveal Katie and Frank who both looked as equally annoyed at each other. “I’ll come and collect him whenever you’re ready,” she told Gerard, before lightly pushing Frank into the room and closing the door. Gerard laughed as Frank slipped into the other armchair. “Woah, I can sense some tension.” Frank rolled his eyes. “I’m getting so pissed off with her having to follow me around twenty four/seven. I mean, if I have to have someone following me around constantly like a little lost puppy can't it at least be someone who doesn’t hate my guts?!” ranted Frank. “I’m sure she doesn’t hate your guts, Frank,” laughed Gerard, finding the whole thing pretty amusing. “Uh, I’m pretty sure she does,” retorted Frank. “I mean, who wouldn’t hate spending all their time with me.”
“I wouldn’t.” “But why? I really don’t understand why.” Gerard sighed. “Frank, I think you’re perfect. You’re funny, you’re pretty gorgeous and from what I hear you can fucking shred it on guitar.” Frank laughed. “Seriously though Frank, you’re amazing. I really wish you could see that.” Frank looked down and began fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt. “I’m really not,” he mumbled. “Whenever you say that kind of stuff it just makes me feel even worse. I can’t see any of the things you tell me. I’m nothing, I’m fucking worthless. I always have been and I always will be, it’ll never change. Sometimes that’s all I can think about, it like, fucking consumes me or something, and I’ll do anything to make it go away. That’s why-“ he sighed and shook his head slightly. “Forget it.”

“That’s why you cut yourself yesterday,” prompted Gerard. “Wow, I really do not want to talk about this right now,” said Frank, pulling a face and leaning slightly away from Gerard. “You really do, you’re just scared that talking about your feelings will make things more real, expose you and make you more susceptible to being hurt. You’re scared Frank.”
“Really Gerard? Fuck you. Don’t spew all your psychobabble at me.” Gerard laughed. “I’m sorry Frank, but I’m a psychiatrist, this is therapy and you’re in a mental hospital right now. I’m afraid psychobabble has to be involved somehow. When I first met you, you had all these walls up around you and it took me so long to knock them down and start to finally get somewhere with you. I know I hurt you and I’m so, so sorry for that. But please don’t push me away and jeopardise your chances of getting better for that. I want to know how you really feel, about everything. Tell me everything.”

Frank sighed as if in defeat and began to talk. “Yesterday I was in an awful mood, like even worse than usual. I was so angry and upset, with myself mostly. Seeing you again made everything so much worse. Like I was so happy to see you but it just brought back all these feelings I was trying to keep away. I couldn’t stop thinking about how you’re engaged and your fiancée's pregnant and how you’re gonna go off with her and have a happy family and I’m going to be left on my own like I always am. I was angry at you for lying to me and pretending to be single but I was also mad at myself, more than I could process. I was so upset for being so worthless and so pathetic, for always being second choice, no matter what. I couldn’t stop thinking about how you can’t be with me, and how you probably wouldn’t chose to want to be with me anyway. How I’m worthless and unwanted, and how I’m stuck in this fucking rut and no one can drag me out of it, least of all myself. These thoughts were just building up in my head, overwhelming me and I couldn’t fucking escape from them. So when you left to get the cigarettes for me…I was like, this is my chance, you know? He’s gone, you’re all alone, no one’s gonna know. I just needed an escape. It’s so hard to quit something, especially something you’ve been addicted to for so long; especially something that people look down on you for, and call you crazy for doing when it’s been your coping mechanism for so long, when it’s actually stopped you from going crazy. People just don’t understand. I didn’t think I could live without cutting, not for one second. I was willing to try but of course I failed, just like I fail everything else I try. The fact that I failed and gave in is making me want to cut again. I know that doesn’t make any sense but…Fuck! It’s an addiction. I think about it all the time, I absolutely crave it...I can only go for so long before my skin starts to itch, like it’s begging to be torn apart. I hate it but I don’t think I can live without it.”

Frank hid his face in his hands and Gerard was pretty sure he was crying until he raised his head. His eyes were red, and the tears in his eyes were threatening to spill over but he wasn’t crying yet. ‘He’s stronger than he thinks he is,’ thought Gerard to himself.

Gerard jumped up from his chair and sat on the arm of Frank’s chair. Frank immediately grasped onto Gerard, who wrapped his arms around Frank straight away. Frank’s body began to shake as he cried into Gerard’s shoulder, the thoughts in his head absolutely ripping him apart. “Who could ever love me?” cried Frank. “I love you,” whispered Gerard, stroking Frank’s hair. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeated over and over again, only pausing to fill Frank’s tear stained face with kisses. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” In amongst Frank’s crying, Gerard was pretty sure he heard him whisper an “I love you” of his own.

“I won’t leave you,” whispered Gerard. “I fucking promise you that Frankie, I won’t ever leave. I fucked up worse than I ever thought possible and I made you sad but I love you and I’m so sorry. It’ll never happen again. Everything will be okay. I know I’ve said that but god dammit baby, I love you and I mean it this time. None of this is your fault, it’s mine. You’ve never done anything wrong in your entire life; you’re perfect, fucking perfect. This whole thing is my fault, not yours. You’re not worthless, Frankie, you’re not. You’re everything, okay. You’re everything.” Gerard murmured into Frank’s hair.

Frank looked up at Gerard, his eyes red and bloodshot and his face tear stained. “But Gerard…What about Lindsey?” Gerard sighed. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be with her but I know that if I end things with her she won’t let me see the baby! I don’t think I could handle that Frank. I just…Fuck, this is a disaster!” Gerard tugged at his hair in frustration. “I really fucked this up, didn’t I?” Gerard laughed bitterly. Frank looked up at Gerard, blinking at him innocently. Frank’s innocence despite all that he had been through really struck a chord with Gerard. When he looked into Frank’s eyes he knew what he had to do. He couldn’t hurt Frank or Lindsey anymore, not like this. He couldn’t be with someone he didn’t love anymore, despite what the circumstances were and he most definitely could not deny himself to whole heartedly love Frank Iero. “I need to break up with her,” said Gerard decisively, causing Frank to look at him with wide eyes. “Gerard-“

“No Frank. This is what needs to happen, I've decided.This is my mess and I’m going to have to clean up after it. I’ve hurt you enough already and now I’m going to hurt Lindsey too, and I’m going to have to deal with the consequences. But I cannot, for one second longer, go home to her and pretend that I don’t love someone else. I need to do break up with her as soon as possible, tonight if I have to.” Gerard resolved. “I’ll hurt her, and I’ll wish this whole mess was just a distant memory, but I won’t let myself hurt you for another second more.” Frank didn't know what to say so instead he said nothing and cuddled into Gerard once again, feeling safe as his strong arms wrapped around his body. He was scared and nervous for Gerard and Lindsey’s reaction to him breaking up with her, but also overwhelmed with the feeling that Gerard had chosen him over his pregnant fiancée. The idea that Gerard loved Frank more than someone he had been planning to marry was incomprehensible. As he sat in Gerard’s arms listening to his heart beat and feeling safe, his self-worth built up slightly and he smiled for the first time in days. Yes Gerard had made mistakes, that was undeniable, but he was making an effort to fix them. That was all that Frank could ask for.

Therefore that night Gerard went home to his empty apartment and skyped Lindsey. His resolve faltered slightly when he saw her face happily smiling at him, her long dark hair falling around her shoulders and her lips painted red. His resolve faltered even more went she stood up to show off her bump, telling the baby inside to ‘say hi to daddy!’ Yet his resolve didn’t falter enough to abandon his plan. They stayed up to 2AM at first screaming at each other, then shouting, then whispering, crying and finally talking. Gerard didn’t tell Lindsey why he wanted to break up, he didn’t hide his tears when Lindsey starting talking about the baby and he had to look away when she began to cry for the first time. It broke his heart that she even considered the fact that he wanted to break up because she was pregnant and he didn’t want the baby. He tried to convince her he wanted the baby more than anything. It was hard to explain why he didn’t want to be with her anymore without mentioning the fact that he had met someone else. The conversation was long and hard and when Gerard finally turned off the computer for the night he cried because although he wanted this, he had still lost someone, someone that he had once loved more than anything; someone he still loved, just not in the same way. Yet at the end of it all it was worth it as Gerard was able to say he was now wholeheartedly Frank’s.

After a few minutes of tossing and turning in bed Gerard realised he wasn’t going to be able to sleep. Even though it was the middle of the night Gerard rang his brother and asked him to come over. Being Mikey, he was at Gerard's apartment as soon as he could with coffee in hand, willing to do anything for his brother. So there Gerard found himself a few hours later, telling his brother that he was wholeheartedly in love with Frank Iero, a seventeen year old he had known for all of a few months, who had come to him desperately wanting to die, and who had more problems than Gerard could ever imagine but was perfect to him anyway.

Notes

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