Disenchanted

Gerard awoke to the sound of his alarm blaring the Smashing Pumpkins the next morning. He tried to ignore the harsh sound of his alarm clock and wait until it turned itself off. However, the sound of the phone blaring the loud music around his house got too much for him and he reached for his phone and shut it off before his hangover fuelled headache could get any worse. The light of his iPhone almost blinded Gerard and he groaned, wishing he could fall back asleep and not have to worry about work. The alarm on his phone told him it was 8:00AM, meaning he had an hour to get ready and get to work before he started his first official day at 9:00AM. He was tempted to just go back to bed and sleep off his hangover. However, he eventually managed to pull himself out of bed and drag himself to the shower. He stood under the blistering heat and sighed contentedly, finally beginning to wake up. He quickly washed both his body and his hair then stepped out of the shower, the house suddenly feeling colder. He quickly rubbed at the black inky mess he called his hair before sloping off to his bedroom and picking out some pants and a black shirt. Once he was dressed he brushed his teeth and downed some coffee in the kitchen along with a cup of water and some advil to help his splitting headache. He then grabbed his keys and slid his phone into his back pocket, slammed the door shut and walked to his car He sat in the car for a few minutes before he set off to clear his head. His head was pounding and he would happily have made his way back to bed. However he decided to suck it up and started the car, making his way to work.

Truth be told, Gerard was angry at himself for drinking after being careful for so long. He knew he shouldn’t have been drinking, and he especially shouldn't have had the beers in his fridge anyway. However, with Lindsey being away, he had bought the beers so he could drink peacefully without being under her watchful eyes. He missed drinking and thought that he could manage to drink in moderation. Yet he had proved himself wrong once again. As soon as something had gone wrong he had turned to drink straight away, proving to himself he was far from over his addiction. He just wanted to stay at home and wallow in self-pity however the thought of Frank spurred him on to go to work. He needed a distraction from his own thoughts and Frank was the perfect answer to that. All his kids, including Frank, seemed to give him hope when he wanted to give up. The thought that those kids depended on him, needed him, and trusted him to make their world a little brighter was one of the things that gave him motivation to stop drinking and try to overcome his addiction. Yes it was true that he had slipped up the day before and he was damned if he didn’t regret it now. However, Frank had relapsed too. It just gave Gerard conformation that everyone has their own problems and although life can suck and we can end up giving in, you can overcome it and make the best of things. One little slip up didn’t mean all the progress you had built up before was ruined. Gerard needed to realise that and he hoped he could make Frank see things the same way. Even though it was hard and they were both fighting their own addictions, even if Frank didn’t know it, he was helping Gerard overcome his every single day.

Gerard quickly arrived at the hospital and parked him car in the staff parking lot as he had done so many times before. However this time it felt weird, more real. Gerard walked up the stairs and turned left to go into the psych ward. Once he got there he wasn’t sure what to do. Should he let Frank’s old doctor know he was here before he started or should he go straight to Frank’s room? Gerard was getting even more nervous than he had been earlier and his anxiety levels were sky high. He stood in the middle of a corridor, not sure what to do with himself. That was until he heard a voice that was undoubtedly Frank’s, sounding extremely pissed off. “I said no, now fuck off!” Gerard followed the voice into the common room and saw a very angry Frank sitting on one of the couches looking venomously at a nurse who was holding his pills. Gerard noticed it was the same nurse from yesterday who had been so nice and wondered what had happened to make Frank so angry. The nurse looked like she was despairing so Frank took this as an opportunity to get up and try to make a dash for it. However the nurse saw it coming and took hold of Frank’s shoulders and gently pushed him back onto the couch. “Nice try Frank,” she scolded him. “You’re not allowed to leave my sight, remember?” Frank huffed, looking even more annoyed. “God dammit Katie, why?” he argued. The nurse who Gerard had just learnt was named Katie rolled her eyes. “You know why Frank! You’re not leaving anyone’s sight even for a second from now on…Now are you going to take these or am I going to have to fetch Doctor Peters?” Frank looked up at her and smirked; folding his arms as if he was prepared for a long wait and was just trying to get comfortable. “Do what you want.” He replied. Katie rolled her eyes and looked like she wanted to pick up a magazine and whack Frank over the head with it. Instead when she turned to call someone to get Doctor Peters, she saw Gerard. Relief passed over her face instantly. “Gerard, I’m so glad you’re here. Can you get him to take the pills? He’s refusing to and I really don’t have time for this today.” She said in a rush and flashed Gerard a huge smile before quickly leaving the room. “Wow, she’d sure had enough of you!” Gerard joked. Frank glared back at him. “Just a joke,” muttered Gerard. “So,” Gerard continued, moving to sit down on the couch beside Frank. “What’s going on here?” he asked, holding up the pills.

“I’m not taking them. I’m not crazy.” Frank insisted. “I never said you were.” Gerard calmly replied. “That’s what you all think though.” Frank counteracted. “It’s really not.” Replied Gerard softly. “Then why is everyone following me around 24/7 and questioning every single thing I do? God, I can’t fucking stand it.”

“You know why Frank. You cut yourself yesterday and now you’re refusing to take you medication. It’s no wonder we’re worried!” said Gerard exasperatedly. “Well why should I take them, considering the fact that I’m not crazy. I don’t know why I even agreed to take them in the first place. And I especially don’t want to take them now after you’ve asked me to! Why should I do anything you ask me to after yesterday? I mean, you’re supposed to be my boyfriend! You’re supposed to be on my side but you fucking betrayed me. You weren’t supposed to tell anyone,” ranted Frank.

‘God damn it,’ Gerard thought. ‘Why can’t he just understand that I…Wait what? Boyfriend? He still wants to be together?’

Gerard shook the thoughts from his head and decided to focus on the issue in front of him first instead of trying to sort out his love life. “Frank, I am on your side; that’s exactly why I told them what happened. Not to fucking betray you or anything, to protect you! That’s my job as your boyfriend and as your psychiatrist, to look after you. I care about you, and that’s why I told.” Gerard stopped explaining and looked at Frank. He looked angry and upset but he didn’t dispute him when he said the word boyfriend which had to be a good sign. Gerard had no idea what had seemed to change Frank’s mind and make him want to take him back. However he knew because of Frank’s condition he could change his mind in a split second. For now, he was just going to go with it. He knew Frank may not be taking things seriously and might just using the word boyfriend to guilt trip Gerard and completely go back on it later when he had calmed down but Gerard really hoped that wouldn’t be the case. Gerard also knew that refusing to take medication was common in a lot of people, especially teenagers. Many people felt like their control of their feelings was being taken away from them and they weren't behaving like themselves. That made many people more reluctant to take the pills they had been prescribed, even to the point where they would refuse to take them. It could be a permanent, problematic thing for some people, or a sporadic reaction to conflict with others. That's what seemed to be happening with Frank, seeing as he had had no problem with taking the pills yesterday when Gerard was there with him, yet he hadn't wanted to take them in the two weeks Gerard had been separated from him. Yet Gerard had obviously upset him yesterday and now they seemed to be back at square one. He hoped they could move on from this problem as if they didn't, Frank's behaviour could become much worse.

Gerard ignored Frank’s anger and carried on. “I told them because I want you to be as safe as possible and right now, the only person you’re not safe from is yourself. When I saw your wrists it really terrified me because it just shows you think it's okay to hurt yourself again. It made me scared; scared that you’re nowhere near recovering and scared that you’re going to try to kill yourself again. It’s my job to stop that happening and I could never forgive myself if something happened to you and I had held back information that could’ve stopped it. Do you see where I’m coming from?” Frank nodded slightly and Gerard smiled at him sadly. "I really, really care about you Frank. You mean so much to me and it's heartbreaking to see you try to hurt yourself over and over again. Sometimes I can't sleep because all I can think about is the image of you on my bathroom floor with your wrists slit, dying in front of my. I'd give anything for that not to have happened but it did. So now it's up to me to make sure it can never, ever happen again? And if that means I betray your trust every once in a while to let someone know you cut, or that you're really, seriously thinking about wanting to die again, then I won't hesitate to betray that trust." Frank looked at Gerard and averted his eyes, looking guilty and ashamed.

“Look, have you had any breakfast yet?” Frank shook his head silently, his hair falling slightly in his eyes. “Well let’s go get you some first then we’ll see how you feel about taking those pills after hmm?” Gerard asked. Frank rolled his eyes and laughed. “You’re never gonna give up, are you?” he asked. “Nope, not on you,” Gerard smiled, jumping up and dragging Frank to his feet. They quickly reached the canteen and Gerard sat Frank down. “You stay here; I’ll go fetch you something, okay?” Frank nodded and watched Gerard go, nervously picking at his nails. Gerard knew Frank was still having trouble eating a lot because of the effects of the pills so he got him a small bowl of cereal along with a glass of orange juice. He also picked up a small red apple for himself as he knew Frank well enough by now to know that he didn’t like any attention focused on him at all. This meant he felt far more comfortable eating when someone else was eating too. Gerard set the cereal and orange juice down for Frank. He sat across from him and when he bit into the apple and grinned at Frank encouragingly, Frank grinned back recognising what Gerard was trying to do. They ate in companionable silence until Frank was finished. Gerard slid the pills over to Frank. “So how ‘bout it?” he asked. Frank rolled his eyes. “I’m not crazy.” He insisted. “I know,” shrugged Gerard. “But you need these; maybe not in a few months, definitely not forever. But for now you do. So please.”

Frank rolled his eyes and took the pills quickly before he changed his mind. “Fine.” Gerard quickly glanced around the canteen and seeing that it was empty got up from his seat and peppered Frank’s face in kisses. “Stop!” laughed Frank, desperately trying to get Gerard off him. “That tickles!” Gerard laughed. “Too bad bitch!” he retorted. “I hate you.” Frank joked as Gerard plonked himself on Frank’s lap and kissed him. “You love me, don’t lie!” laughed Gerard, hopping off Frank’s lap and bringing him to his feet. "I'm proud of you." Frank blushed and picked up his bowl and glass and put them with the rest of the used cutlery. “So what do you want to do now?” asked Frank, not wanting to be alone. “Well I have no appointments until later in the evening so I can stay with you here I’ll day if you want?” Frank nodded straight away. “Do you want to watch a movie or something then?” Gerard asked. “Okay,” answered Frank sweetly.

They walked to the common room and slipped in a comedy, not really paying attention to what it was. As they started to watch and the movie lit up the screen, a few more patients were attracted to the bright screen and the laugh track. Soon they had attracted a little crowd sitting around them or at their feet. After a few minutes of this Frank took a blanket from the arm of the sofa and drew it around them. “You cold Frank? I can ask them to turn up the heating if you want?” Frank shook his head slightly. “Not particularly,” he answered. Gerard was confused until he felt Frank’s small hand grab his own and squeeze it. Gerard grinned at Frank’s clever plan. Frank sighed slightly in content and leant slightly against Gerard as they held hands and focused on the screen, all thoughts of medications, scarred wrists, suicide attempts and depression forgotten for the moment.

Notes

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(I have purple hair now, oops)