Disenchanted

They were interrupted from their cuddling about an hour later when a nurse knocked on the door and slipped inside, holding some pills and a cup of water. “Hey guys,” she said smiling. “I’ve just come to give Frank his pills.” She explained. “Oh, cool, thanks,” smiled Gerard. “I can give them to him.” He said, reaching out his hand to take the pills and water. The nurse gave the pills to Gerard and turned to leave. She turned back when she reached the door and smiled at Frank and Gerard. “Oh, I heard that you’re going to be working here for a while, Gerard, isn’t it? I guess I’ll see you around,” she smiled. “Thank you.” Gerard replied, smiling back. The nurse nodded before stepping outside the door and closing it after her.

Gerard turned to Frank. “Here you go, sweetheart,” he said, handing Frank the pills. Frank sighed at took them from him, quickly downing them with water and shuddering slightly from the aftertaste. Gerard watched Frank’s lips as he put the pills in his mouth and his throat as he swallowed some water after them. God, he was so beautiful. Frank set the little cup of water on the chest of drawers beside them and leant against the wall beside Gerard once again. “How are you feeling, Frankie?” Gerard asked, stroking some of Frank’s inky back hair out of his eyes and gripping his hand. Frank sighed, leaned against Gerard and closed his eyes. “Tired, sad, empty…Wishing everyone would stop asking me how I’m feeling.” He muttered into Gerard’s chest. “I’m sorry sweetheart.” Gerard murmured back, wrapping his arm protectively around Frank’s body. “I just want to make things better for you…I wish you didn’t feel like this.” Frank snuggled closer into Gerard’s chest. “It’s fine, Gee. I’m used to it.” He replied, sounding exhausted and fed up. “But I don’t want you to be used to it, Frank. You shouldn’t have to tolerate having to feel so awful all the time. I can’t believe how draining it must be for you to feel so unhappy on a daily basis and have no idea why it’s happening to your or how to stop it.” Gerard ranted.

“Mmm,” Frank replied, feeling too tired to talk properly. He only agreed with half of what Gerard was saying anyway. Yes, it was draining on him to live like this, but in his opinion he did deserve the horrible thoughts and feelings that swum around his head. “You tired, Frankie?” Gerard asked. “Yeah,” Frank replied, stifling a yawn and sounding like he was about to fall asleep at any moment. “The pills…They make me tired. It’s kinda unbearable.” Gerard nodded, having heard the same comment a thousand times before. “Do you wanna maybe take a nap?” Frank nodded slowly and lifted his head from Gerard’s chest, looking disorientated and half asleep already. “This whole sleeping all the time thing is getting pretty old.” He commented. “I know sweetheart but it’ll ease up soon, you’ve just gotta give it some more time,” Gerard reassured him. “Do you want me to get you any breakfast before you sleep? I can bring it to you from the canteen so you don’t have to leave your room.” Gerard asked, already knowing that Frank wouldn’t want to eat and trying to persuade him otherwise. Frank shook his head and Gerard tried to hide his disappointment that Frank was refusing to do the normal things he needed to do. Instead he was hiding in his room as if it could make all his problems go away. He had talked to Frank’s doctor earlier that day about Frank’s behaviour over the past two weeks and it seemed Frank had been sleeping a lot and barely eating. Gerard knew that they were just classic symptoms of depression and nothing to be overly worried about, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted Frank to be okay, and that included eating normally and sleeping a normal amount. He didn’t want Frank to begin using sleeping a lot as a coping mechanism and he knew he’d soon have to begin to push him more. For now however, he would cut him some slack and let him get away with it. “Alright,” Gerard sighed, deciding not to argue with him. He moved to help Frank lie down and pulled the covers over his shoulders. Frank snuggled into the covers straight away and looked like he was about to fall asleep straight away. “Thanks,” he murmured lazily, making zero effort to keep his eyes open. “Oh, actually,” he said as an afterthought, sounding slightly more awake. “Could you get me some cigarettes whenever you go out? I’m having some serious withdrawals here.”

Gerard mentally face palmed himself. Cigarettes. Of course that’s what he wanted, something totally self-destructive. Yeah, Gerard smoked too, and way too much at that, but at this stage he couldn't help but think that smoking was just another way for Frank to try and hurt himself. “Uh, I don’t know, Frankie.” Frank opened one of his eyes and squinted up at Gerard. “Oh, come on, Gerard. They’re just cigarettes, it’s not like I’m asking for my blades or anything. I’m not a little kid you know.” Frank retorted, sounding defensive. Ouch. Gerard flinched. “Fine,” he huffed and turned to go. “Wait,” Frank called, looking slightly panicked that Gerard was leaving. He stuck one of his hands out of the covers and caught Gerard’s wrist, his fingers hanging onto him limply. “Don’t go yet. Can’t you just wait until I fall asleep? I don’t want to be on my own right now.” Gerard smiled, happy that Frank needed him and crawled beside him on the bed. Their bodies moulded perfectly together and soon Gerard was spooning Frank. He wrapped his arms around Frank’s waist and kissed his neck. “I’m going to make this all go away, Frank.” Gerard mumbled. A small sigh came from Frank. “We’ll see,” he muttered, sounding less than assured. Gerard tried not to take this personally seeing as he had hurt Frank a lot in the past few weeks. It was only natural that Frank was reluctant to trust him. Yet his lack of belief in Gerard felt like a stab in the heart. He couldn’t help but wonder when Frank would be able to trust him again. He hoped it would be soon. He missed Frank telling him all the thoughts that randomly came into his head, good or bad, without a second thought and completely, totally trusting him with the information. He missed their conversations that seemed like they could go on for hours when it reality it was only a few minutes. Right now everything seemed slightly forced and wooden and awkward and Gerard was waiting for the day it would all go away and they could get back to normal, whatever normal was for them anyway.

Gerard shook the thoughts from his head and focused on Frank, happy to be so close to him again. He breathed in his familiar scent and watched the rise and fall of his chest. He waited until his breathing had evened out and when he was sure that Frank had fallen asleep, Gerard eased himself away from him. He was careful to be quiet and not to make sudden movements so Frank wouldn’t wake up. He decided he would fetch the cigarettes for Frank so he would have them for when he woke up, and then he’d leave and go home for the night. Gerard walked down to the lobby of the hospital and made his way outside to a small convenience store. He bought a packet of cigarettes for Frank. Not knowing the brand that Frank usually bought, Gerard just decided to get the brand he always bought for himself, along with his own packet. There was a long queue in the shop which meant the errand took far longer than Gerard had expected it to. He bit his nails as he waited, anxious to get back to Frank. Gerard was making his way back to hospital when he realised Frank didn’t have a lighter. He thought about going back to the shop and buying one for him, but decided against it. He wasn’t going to let Frank anywhere near something he could hurt himself with. He’d just have to put up with getting someone to light his cigarettes for him whenever he wanted one. Gerard knew Frank would hate that and hoped it would make Frank slightly more reluctant to smoke. It was a bit overly optimistic, but hey.

Gerard soon reached the hospital and flew up the stairs, slipping back inside Frank’s room. He hadn’t been gone for more than thirty minutes minutes, but straight away he noticed the tears drying on Frank’s sleeping face. When he got closer he saw Frank’s sleeve was slightly pulled down instead of stretched over his palms like usual. The tiny patch of skin that was exposed had been scratched red raw and was bleeding slightly. He sighed, angry at himself for leaving Frank and letting this happen. He should have listened to Frank’s earlier comments, should have questioned him on why he didn’t want to be alone. Yet he hadn’t. He’d just assumed that Frank was lonely or that he had missed him and now this had happened. Frank seemed to be asleep once again so Gerard carefully dragged down his sleeve, exposing a bit more of his skin. He saw what he had feared the most. Frank’s entire arm was red and scratched, and at points Frank had scratched himself so hard that he had cut open his skin and also opened up old cuts. His skin was ripped open and his fingernails were covered in dried blood. Gerard wanted to cry at the sight of Frank’s skin. Having no blades meant Frank had to find new, more creative ways to hurt himself and of course he had resorted to this. It seemed his joke about wanting his blades earlier had not been a joke after all.

Gerard would have preferred to sit down with his head in his hands and wallow that this had happened. Instead he walked into Frank’s own small bathroom and dampened a wash cloth. He then walked back to Frank and cleaned up the drying blood. The cuts really weren’t that bad but the idea that Frank was still trying to cut in a place that would have serious consequences for him if it was found out was what really worried Gerard. He was faced with the horrible decision – to tell or not to tell. Just to be safe from infection and to stop the bleeding, Gerard fetched a bandage and wrapped it around Frank’s cut up wrist. The fact that he could have done such an awful amount of damage in such a short space of time terrified Gerard. He obviously couldn't be left alone at all and Gerard suddenly understood the need for the camera dotted about the ward. Things only seemed to be getting worse for Frank. Gerard knew what he had to do. He kissed the sleeping Frank’s forehead before leaving the room and quietly shutting it after him, not wanting to wake Frank. He saw no need in walking him up. He was obviously upset before he had fallen back asleep and there was no need to prolong that. Gerard then went and told the first nurse he saw what Frank had done and hurried home, drowning his sorrows in a few beers. He saw nothing wrong in Frank’s actions, after all he was depressed and addicted to self-harming, however he was so disappointed in himself. It seemed that everything he was doing was wrong. This was his second chance to help Frank, professionally and relationship wise, and he was screwing it up before he’d even started.

Notes

Hey guys.
So I'm reading See The Rust Through Your Playground Eyes like I'm sure most of you all are too, and I have to say the author Idiot_KillJoy is right. People don't comment enough and it can be really off putting. In my opinion, if you're reading something and enjoying it, you should let the author know. Otherwise the author is just going to lose interest and stop posting. After all, we're writing for you guys, so it's nice to know what you think. I'm going to make an effort to comment more on the stories I read and I hope you will all do the same :)
Love you guys so much!
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