Disenchanted

Gerard woke in the morning with a stiff neck and an aching body. For a second he felt disorientated and wondered where he was, when the sight of Frank lying beside him brought him back to where he was supposed to be. Light from the rising sun was flooding through the windows and illuminating Frank’s small room. Gerard rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and turned to Frank, missing his touch already. Either Frank or Gerard had dropped the other’s hand in their sleep and Frank was now curled up asleep, his hand covering most of his face. Gerard couldn’t believe how sweet and innocent Frank looked. If it weren’t for the tens of tattoos littering his body and the small metal hoops on his lip and nose, Gerard would have thought Frank was no older than fifteen. Gerard leant against the chest of draws once again and half closed his eyes lazily as he let himself admire the sight of the boy before him. He watched as Frank’s chest rose and fell steadily and felt strangely comforted and relaxed by it. He was so, so glad that Frank was now safe and being looked after. Although he may still be unhappy, Frank now had no opportunity to hurt himself and that was really all that Gerard really cared about.

After a few minutes of sitting and admiring Frank, Gerard got to his feet and stretched, his body cramped from being in a sitting position for so long. Gerard bent over Frank’s bed and fixed the covers for him. He kissed his forehead and brushed a few stray hairs out of his eyes before leaving the room and going in search for someone. From the unlit corridors and the lack of noise, Gerard estimated in was around six in the morning and everyone was just waking up. The sunlight from the wire covered windows was flooding the corridors and illuminating the rooms in the floor. Gerard wandered over to a large window at the end of a corridor and took a few minutes to watch the sunlight make it’s way across the garden outside. Although the garden was enclosed by a tall wire fence it had pretty flower beds as well as a few trees with birds perched upon them. There were a few benches dotted about the garden and the soft grass was covered with the morning dew. Gerard made a point to ask if he could bring Frank out there when he was up to it. Although the garden was pretty, the sight of the wire mesh on the windows that separated the inhabitants of the ward from the outside world left a horrible feeling of regret in Gerard. It was such a beautiful day outside and the inhabitants of the ward were locked inside and unable to enjoy it.

Although what Gerard wanted most for Frank was for him to get help, he was horribly regretful that Frank had become one of those people who were locked away from the rest of the world. He hated the fact that this was what it had come to. He could only imagine how lonely it would feel to be isolated from the world in a secure unit where no one truly understands; and where everything you did and said was observed and analysed. Gerard couldn’t imagine how much worse it would be to be on suicide watch like Frank was and be constantly watched and followed around the entire day. The only peace Frank got was when he was in his room for the night and even then there was a camera in his room watching his every move. Gerard couldn’t decide if it was excessive or if it was just what needed to be done.

Gerard was sitting staring into space when he was brought out of his daydreams by a hand upon his shoulder. He turned around and saw Frank’s doctor smiling at him. Gerard looked around quickly and saw the hallways were now filled with slightly more activity. He must have been daydreaming for a while. “Gerard,” smiled the doctor. “Um, Doctor Peterson, wasn’t it?” Gerard asked. “Sorry, I’m really terrible with names.” The doctor looked undeterred and nodded, smiling. “No, no you’re quite right. How did you sleep? I’m so sorry you had to sleep on the floor last night, we had no idea you had even fallen asleep and by the time we realised and tried to wake you up, you were pretty far gone. I really am sorry.” Gerard blushed. “No, no, it’s not your fault at all, it’s mine. I had no idea why I even fell asleep to be honest, it’s quite embarrassing really.” Gerard lied, laughing awkwardly. In reality he knew why he had fallen asleep. He hadn’t been able to sleep since he had been separated from Frank and last night when he was finally reunited with him, it was such a relief to him that his brain seemed to relax and give in to what he needed most; sleep. Doctor Peters laughed good naturedly. “Our can be a tiring job, can’t it?” Gerard laughed. “You’re right there.”

“I was wondering if I could have a word with you by the way?” Doctor Peters asked. Gerard nodded and slid off the windowsill he had been perched on. “Sure.” He agreed, and began following the doctor to his office, laughing at whatever joke he seemed to be telling on the way. However, his mind was swimming. He was terrified about what the fellow doctor wanted. Did he see him kiss Frank on the cheek that morning? Did he see them fall asleep together, holding hands? Did he think Gerard’s behaviour towards Frank was inappropriate? Did he suspect something? Gerard’s mind was reeling and he wanted to spin on his heel and run straight out of the building and hide in bed where he was safe.

However he felt slightly more reassured when Frank’s doctor led him to his office and slipped into his seat, fixing Gerard with a smile. He wouldn't be smiling if he was angry, right? He picked up what Gerard presumed to be Frank’s file from his desk and started to flip through it. “I must say, I’m very impressed with the way you’re able to handle Frank,” he commented. “I know it didn’t seem like it yesterday because he was so sedated but he’s been so hard to deal with lately, it’s been quite unbearable for the staff working here. But you…You have a connection with him that I’ve never seen in another doctor-patient relationship before. It’s quite amazing really. Why do you think it is that he trusts you so much?” He asked, fixing Gerard was a smile as he waited curiously for an answer. Gerard’s palms began to sweat and he wiped them on his jeans, swallowing the lump in his throat. He had to remind himself that the doctor was just curious of how he was able to deal with Frank; and to be honest, who wouldn’t be whether it was from a professional point of view or not. “I, uh, I don’t know really.” Gerard stuttered. “I mean, I suppose it’s because I was the first one to get him to open up and accept the fact that he needed help. But I, uh, I…I'm just guessing, I really don't know.” Gerard said, blushing. He wanted to get off the topic of his closeness with Frank. He knew the reason why they were so close, that they were in a relationship together, or at least used to be, and he wanted to keep that to himself for as long as possible. “And I also understand that the kids in your care aside from Frank are also doing quite well at the moment?” Gerard nodded. “Well, that’s mostly up to them,” he smiled. “They’re great kids.”

“Well I must say you’re quite modest!" laughed the doctor. “I’m not sure many people would be so reluctant to take credit. It’s really quite remarkable.” Gerard blushed. “Really Gerard, what I’m trying to say here is you’re an excellent doctor. I know you’re still young and not as experienced as others may be, but what you lack in experience you more than make up for in ability.” Gerard blushed again and looked down at his nails. “Oh, I don’t know about that really…” he smiled. “No Gerard, it’s true. I understand you work downstairs at the moment, at the hospital, as a sort of a counsellor? Is that right?” Gerard nodded. “So you basically already work at the hospital?” Gerard nodded and Frank’s doctor looked pleased with his answer. “You see, what this is really all about is, we think you’d be a valuable member of our team, if you wanted to be that is. See, we need help with Frank, at least just for the first few weeks that he’s here and I, along with a few other doctors I’ve discussed this with, feel like you would be the only one that would be able to provide that help, considering your close relationship with Frank. Obviously you’d only be working here part time so you can fit in all your other appointments and there’s no pressure for you to say yes, but to honest it would be extremely helpful to all of us right now…What do you say?”

Gerard was shocked to say the least. He was surprised he was being offered a job especially when the economy was so bad. The job would bring more money, which was what he needed right now, especially because of the imminent arrival of the baby. It would also give him experience and most importantly, he would be able to spend more time with Frank. The job would also be convenient as he could fit his hours around the appointments he had with his other patients. All in all, it sounded like the perfect job. Gerard didn’t even have to think about it. “I’d love to!” he agreed enthusiastically.

An hour or so later, Gerard was standing up and shaking the hand of Frank’s doctor, Evan. They had agreed the terms of his job and it was agreed that he would start on Monday. Gerard was delighted. “You can go tell Frank now if you’d like.” smiled Evan. Gerard nodded and made his way down to Frank’s room. He had no doubt that the young boy would still be sleeping, considering the sedatives that had been given to him over the past few days as well as the fact that it was still quite early in the morning. As Gerard walked the bustling corridors and passed the loud canteen where most of the residents were having breakfast, he began to get nervous. He was scared of Frank’s reaction to him working at the hospital considering how angry Frank was at him. He also didn’t want Frank to feel like he was imposing on his life, but at the same time he couldn’t help but want to be around Frank twenty four seven. He couldn't stop his imposition of his life if he tried. He slipped into Frank’s room and sat down beside his bed, watching him sleep. He wanted him to wake up, but at the same time, he was happy to let him sleep uninterrupted. When Frank woke up he would surely have sobered up to the situation without the effects of the sedatives clouding his brain and would now be more than able to tell Gerard where to go. Gerard would have to face the fact that Frank didn't want to be with him anymore. At the moment Gerard was just existing on the hope that they were still together, considering their relationship didn't 'officially' end. However, in his heart Gerard really knew it was over. He really didn't want to face the facts. Yesterday Frank had been too out of it to voice his hatred of Gerard, yet Gerard was sure that by the time he woke up today he'd be practically back to normal and would be well able to tell Gerard he didn't want to see him again. Gerard dreaded the thought.

Frank's hand slipped out from under the duvet cover in his sleep and Gerard quickly took hold of it. He squeezed Frank's hand and stoked his hand with his thumb comfortingly. As he watched the sleeping boy in front of him knowing that Frank now wanted nothing more to do with him, and the knowledge that this whole thing was his fault, all his pent up emotions came to a head. A tear slipped down his face as he began to hum part of a long he had heard long ago. He had no idea where he had heard the song, or who it was by but it seemed to fit the situation pretty well at that moment. "It was the roar of the crowd that gave me heartache to sing. It was a lie when they smiled and said, 'You won't feel a thing' and as we ran from the cops we laughed so hard it would sting...You're just a sad song with nothing to say, I better live long wait for a hospital stay and if you think that I'm wrong this never meant nothing to you..."

Gerard’s humming had turned in quiet singing as he looked at Frank sleeping in front of him. He squeezed his hand once again and let his tears slide down his face `without wiping them away. He was glad that he had left the whole ’guyliner’ thing in his teenage years, as if he was wearing it at the moment he was sure he’d end up looking like a panda; either that or the newest member of Black Veil Brides. Gerard sniffed in a bid to stop the tears and compose himself and slipped his hand out of Frank’s clutch to wipe his tear filled face. He was crying harder now as he attempted to stop, not wanting to wake Frank. However, it was too late. The teenage boy moved in his sleep before slowly opening his eyes and fixing Gerard with an inquisitive look. Gerard tried, very unsuccessfully, to hide the fact that he had been crying and smiled at Frank reassuringly. Frank didn’t smile back and instead he pulled the covers up over his head so he was hidden from Gerard’s view. “Please get out,” Frank said from under the covers, his voice muffled. Gerard sighed. So it begins. “Can’t we talk about this?” Gerard begged Frank, feeling silly for essentially speaking to a duvet cover. “No.” came Frank’s stubborn reply. Gerard sighed in frustration and annoyance. “Fuck Frank, why not?”

A short laugh came from under the covers. “Why the fuck do you think Gerard? You cheated on me!” Suddenly Frank flung the covers aside and sat up, his face red. “Why are you even here? Are you stalking me, or what?” Gerard blushed. “Actually, I’ve been offered a job here; to specifically deal with you.” Frank laughed bitterly. “Ha okay, so you are stalking me?! Well that’s just great, isn’t it?”

“I’m not stalking you Frank!” “It kinda seems like you are Gerard!" Frank argued. "Like, did you stay here all night, or what?” Gerard blushed in embarrassment. “I feel asleep,” he mumbled to defend himself. “That’s fucking weird!” said Frank, getting angry. “You’re fucking obsessed with me or something! If you really liked me that much why couldn’t you just keep it in your pants, instead of getting your fucking fiancée pregnant? That’s what I really don’t get!”

“Somehow we always end up back here.”

“Because you lied to me!” Frank shouted, enraged. “You lied to me; pretended you were single and fucking broke my heart and you haven’t even apologised to me yet!” “Because you won’t let me!” Gerard roared back. “Every time I try to say I’m sorry you don’t even let me speak; you haven’t even heard my side of the story yet”

“I shouldn’t have to Gerard! I shouldn’t have to hear your side of the story because there should be no sides; you’re the bad guy here!” “I don’t want to be the bad guy though! I made a mistake and I’m sorry! I just want you to forgive me!” Gerard pleaded and reached for Frank’s hand who ripped it away from him and folded his arms. “Go on then.” “What?”

“Explain.”

“I, uh…What?” Gerard said, stumbling over his words. He was shocked that Frank was giving him a chance to tell his side of the story, and wasn’t prepared for it at all. “You heard me. Explain. You have fine minutes.” Frank sat waiting Gerard squirming under pressure with a smirk on his face. He was enjoying Gerard’s discomfort.

“It’s…It’s…” Gerard struggled, trying to get his words together. “It’s the baby.” Frank fixed him with a questioning look. He was still angry but now he was intrigued, and also pretty happy that Gerard hadn’t started to profess his love for his fiancée or something. Gerard saw Frank’s questioning look and took that as a sign to go on. “It’s just…I’d been with Lindsey for about two years when we first met and I thought we were happy, you know? And we were, we were in love too.” Gerard ignored Frank rolling his eyes and carried on. “We were in love but not madly so, just enough to happily be together. But it stopped being new and exciting a long time ago. When I met you, that’s exactly what it was; new and exciting. And I tried to fight it at first, I really did. The idea of being with another guy was scary and I didn’t want to face it. But as the months went on I realised I really liked you, that you weren’t just some new exciting prospect. And as this was happening I felt less and less strongly towards Lindsey. I was scared at first; really scared. But I came to a realisation one day; that I wanted to be with you and not her. Being with her just wasn't enough anymore and it was the thought of you that kept me up at night.” Gerard explained. He reached for Frank’s hand again and was surprised when he didn’t pull away. Frank didn’t squeeze his hand back but the fact that he didn’t pull away was enough. “Go on.” Frank whispered reluctantly, nodding at him.

“I came to the conclusion that I had to break up with Lindsey. I didn’t want to hurt either of you; I hope you believe me when I say that. I stayed with Lindsey because I was being selfish. I needed a sort of ‘back up.’ I didn’t want to be alone. But I realised nothing could change if I stayed with both of you. I chose you, Frank. I was going to break up with Lindsey that day. But then she told me she was pregnant.” Tears welled up in Gerard’s eyes. “I got so scared. I knew that if I broke up with her, she’d never let me see the baby. I couldn’t handle that Frank. So now…I’m kinda stuck. I want to be with you, but you don’t want to be with me. I don’t want to be with her, but I don’t want to lose my baby…I hurt so many people by being such a shitty, selfish person. I’m so fucking sorry, Frank.” Gerard said, a few tears slipping down his cheeks.

Frank sighed. He looked torn and like he didn't know what to say. Eventually he motioned for Gerard to get on the bed. When Gerard perched beside him, Frank drew him into his arms. “I never said I didn’t want to be with you.” He mumbled into Gerard’s shoulder. Gerard snorted. “What?” Frank smiled. “Okay, maybe I did. I can’t really remember everything that’s happened over the past few weeks, give me some credit!” Gerard drew back from Frank’s arms. “What does this mean? Do you want to get back together?” Gerard asked hopefully. Frank grimaced. "Woah, okay, slow down. I don’t even know, Gerard.” He said exasperatedly. “I don’t know what I want or how I feel right now. My mind is pretty scrambled at the moment.” Gerard looked down guiltily. “I know; I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be putting all this pressure on you, especially when you’re in here.”

Frank sighed. “I want to say that it’s okay but it’s really not, Gerard. You really fucking hurt me. Like, a lot. I think that’s kinda obvious.” He gestured to the room they were in. “I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive you, or if I even can. Maybe we can move past it, but it was a really shitty thing of you to do, Gerard. It’ll never forget it, and maybe I’ll never be able to forgive you. I don’t think you should expect me to either.” Gerard nodded started picking at his nails to avoid looking into Frank's eyes, something he always did when he felt guilty or nervous, something he seemed to have picked up from Frank. Frank took Gerard’s hand as the skin on his fingers began to bleed. “Stop that.” He scolded him playfully. Gerard smiled and squeezed Frank’s hand. “Everything is going to be okay,” Frank reassured Gerard. “I just need time…I just want to forget the fact that you have a fiancée and a baby on the way, no matter how fucked up that might be. I just want to forget it all. I just want it to be you and me.”

“It can be,” reassured Gerard.
“Well...We’ll see.” Smiled Frank sadly.

They both sighed and sat in silence for a little bit, holding hands. They knew they had a lot to work out and a lot of talking to do. Gerard knew that Frank was nowhere near to forgiving him yet, and even if he did, their relationship might never be the same. However at least they were talking again and that was something at least. Gerard couldn’t believe that Frank had even listened to his side of the story, but he was incredibly grateful for it. It had taken two weeks of anger and hurt but now the two were finally on their way to sorting things out. They moved across the bed to sit against the wall. Frank leaned into Gerard, his height meaning he fit right under the crook of Gerard’s elbow. Gerard wrapped his arm around Frank's small body and stroked his hair. Frank relaxed into Gerard and half closed his eyes in content. They stayed like that for a while; both of them content to be back in the others company, their minds now slightly more at rest.

Notes

May update tonight. Love you guys!