Disenchanted

It had been two weeks since Gerard had spoken to Frank and he was an absolute wreck because of it. After Frank had stormed out of his room to get away from Gerard, his doctor had come to thank Gerard for seemingly convincing Frank to accept the help they were giving him. However Gerard new the real truth - that Frank had just done what he had to do to get away from him. The thought that everyone seemed to think he was such a good doctor and was able to communicate with Frank so well made Gerard feel sick. No one knew that he had caused a lot of Frank’s unhappiness as he had carried on his relationship with Lindsey whilst still seeing Frank. Gerard wished he could tell everybody the truth and be punished for it, by losing his job or even being punched in the face by an angry parent or doctor. That was all he really wanted right now, some physical pain to balance all the emotional pain he was feeling. He secretly began to wish he would get mugged on the way home, and be beaten to the floor whilst having all of his possessions stolen. At least that way he could feel something instead of the horrific numbness ebbing inside of him. He even began to see the advantages of self-harm that Frank and the majority of the other kids he saw, seemed to run to whenever they were in distress. However Gerard knew no amount of slices from a blade could make him feel better than contact with Frank could. He had been preaching to all the kids he saw, including Frank, that self-harm was never the answer so it made him sick to think he was even considering it. He needed Frank, any contact with him at all, to pull him out of these thoughts and bring him back to reality.

The weeks spent without Frank were unbearable for Gerard. He spent most of his time at work resting his head on his desk and staring at the clock on the wall watching the hours pass. He tried to speak to his patients as best he could but he found that his mouth was blocking his words from coming out. He had lost the easy flow he had before. At home he spent most of the time lying motionless in bed with the covers pulled over his head, often feeling too numb and listless to eat. He couldn’t imagine how Frank felt with having depression. He was sad, really sad, but this sadness he was feeling wasn’t a fraction of how bad depression felt, he knew that. Being able to feel a fraction of the emotional numbness Frank felt on a daily basis made Gerard feel even worse for hurting him. Mikey visited the apartment Gerard shared with Lindsey more often during the week Gerard was without Frank hoping to make him feel better. Neither Mikey nor Lindsey knew why Gerard was so cut up about one of his patients attempting suicide and being sectioned. They assumed this was because this was the first time this had happened to Gerard as a psychiatrist and he felt like he had failed. They had no idea how deep things really went. They tried to make him feel better but nothing could seem to pull him out of the state he was in. The only thing that Gerard was sure could make him feel better, was to see Frank. However, Gerard knew that Frank didn’t want to see him. He had chosen to go spend time in a psych ward rather than spend one more second in Gerard’s presence. That obviously meant he hated him at the very least.

Gerard was lying in bed one Saturday when his mobile began to ring. It was the middle of the day but as he didn’t have work that day he was still lying in bed with the curtains closed. He wasn’t asleep however; he hadn’t slept much those past few days. Instead he was staring at the walls, aware of time passing but not particularly caring. He groaned and rolled over, grabbing the phone before the vibrations caused it to fall onto the floor. “Hello?” he groaned into the phone, his voice raspy from not speaking. “Gerard? This is Doctor Peters, Frank’s new psychiatrist. I’m sorry to ring you; I know you’re not dealing with Frank anymore.” Gerard suddenly became more awake with the mention of Frank’s name. “No, it’s fine, really. How is he, what’s going on?” Gerard asked. The doctor on the other end of the line sighed. “That’s why I’m ringing you. It’s a last ditch attempt really. We’re all pretty close to giving up.” “Why is that?” asked Gerard, confusion etching across his face. “Frank is…Well, he’s been pretty hard to deal with this past week. He’s been constantly angry about something but we have no idea what, he won’t tell anyone. He’s also constantly crying about something but he won’t tell us anything. He’ll be fine one minute then he’ll seem to remember something and he’ll be an absolute mess. It’s getting hard to handle and we’re at the end of our tether. He has refused to leave his room since he got here and he’s refusing food as well as his medication. We just…We don’t know what to do. We were hoping you could come down here and help us out? I mean, his mood swings have gotten so violent that he’s basically sedated the entire time, which isn’t helpful to anyone. It’s not right and it’s giving him no chance to recover at all, but it’s all we can do at this point.” The doctor sighed again and Gerard could just feel his frustration radiating through the phone. He knew how stubborn Frank could be and the thought of his being shut up in his room, constantly drugged up because of this made Gerard want to cry. However he also knew that he himself was the cause of Frank’s anger and sadness, meaning he wasn’t sure if Frank seeing him would do him any good. To be honest, Gerard was scared of how Frank would react to seeing him. However, the ache he felt in his heart from missing Frank as well as the image of Frank alone and helpless made up his mind to help him as much as he could.

“I’ll be right down.”

Gerard got to the hospital pretty quickly. After speaking to Frank’s doctor for a few minutes he was led to Frank’s room. Frank’s doctor gave him a sympathetic smile before walking away and leaving Gerard to go in. He took a deep breath and grasped the door handle. Gerard realised the doctor wasn’t lying when he told him about Frank being pretty drugged up. Frank was lying in bed when he entered the room, the covers pulled up to his chin. However he didn’t react at all when Gerard opened the door and stepped inside. He didn’t even raise his head. Not exactly the reaction Gerard was expecting. Gerard cautiously stepped closer to Frank and called out his name softly. “Frank?” Frank raised his eyes slightly and fixed them on Gerard. His eyes were half shut from all the drugs and didn’t give away any of Frank’s emotions. They simply looked dull, dead even, nothing like the way his eyes had seemed so bright before. Gerard crouched down beside Frank’s bed and took hold of his hand gently. Frank closed his eyes slowly and after a while Gerard thought he had fallen asleep. That was until Gerard saw a few tears begin to slowly make their way down Frank’s face and drip on the covers. Frank’s hand hung limply in Gerard’s but he also made no effort to remove it. Whether he was unable to because of the effect of the drugs or he just didn’t want to, Gerard took it as a good sign anyway.

Gerard gripped Frank’s hand harder as his tears began to fall even harder. However Frank still didn’t make an effort to speak. Gerard wiped a few of Frank’s tears away with his thumb as he crouched down beside Frank. Then Frank did something Gerard really didn’t expect him to do. He nestled into Gerard’s touch like a scared puppy or child seeking comfort. This caused Gerard to remember their once so tender relationship and he got a huge surge of sadness and regret for hurting for the boy in front of him. His need to comfort Frank overtook him and he moved from his position at the side of the bed and sat perched on the end of it instead. Frank immediately placed his head in Gerard’s lap and slipped his arms around Gerard’s waist, loosely because of the drugs, but still. Gerard was surprised but pleased at the reaction. He knew Frank was acting so sedately because of the drugs and was also seeking comfort from a familiar face. He knew Frank’s reaction to seeing him might not be the same once the sedative wore off, however he had missed the warmth of Frank’s body for so long that he took what he could get and decided to enjoy it whilst he could. He sat stroking Frank’s hair and humming softly to him, ecstatic at being back with the boy who meant so much to him. “Missed you,” Frank suddenly stated. His words were slow and sounded pretty disconnected yet Gerard was elated to hear these words from Frank. He took this as an opportunity to apologise once again for what he had done. “I missed you too sweetheart, so, so much. I’m so sorry this all had to happen-“ Frank cut him off, still staring at the wall and sounding pretty out of it. “Don’t…I don’t want to talk about it…I just…Missed you.” He finally finished. Gerard nodded. “Okay Frankie, we won't talk about any of that. But I really missed you too.” For a while the two sat, Frank’s head on Gerard’s lap with Gerard stroking Frank’s hair, content to watch the rise and fall of his chest as he drifted in and out of consciousness.

They were interrupted with the sound of a knock on the door followed by a nurse nervously entering the room clutching some pills and a cup of water. “I’m sorry to disturb you but we saw you were doing so well with him and we were wondering if you could get him to take his pills? He’s refused to take them for the past few days and it’d be pretty dangerous if that carries on, as you know.” Gerard nodded before looking a bit puzzled. “Wait, how did you know what was happening in here?” he asked. “Cameras,” the nurse said simply, nodding her head towards the camera fixed in the corner of the room that Gerard had only just noticed. “Suicide watch.” She explained.

“Oh,” said Gerard. The news shocked him, even though he knew they shouldn't have, seeing as that was why Frank was in the hospital in the first place. It was probably the fact that someone else was saying the words, and making them real. “So how about it Frankie? Will you take them? For me?” Gerard asked. Frank seemed to think about the question for a few seconds before nodding his head so softly that Gerard barely noticed it. Gerard smiled at Frank and helped him into a sitting position. Frank took the pills, his movements shaky, before Gerard took the cup from him and handed it back to the nurse. “Thanks so much Doctor Way.” She smiled at him, relieved. Gerard offered her a small smile before turning back to Frank. He noticed his eyes slowly closing, slightly opening for a few seconds before closing again. “Are you tired Frankie?” he asked him. Frank nodded again, slowly. Curse those doctors for keeping him drugged up the whole time. Gerard helped Frank to lie down and tucked the blankets over him. Frank fixed his eyes on Gerard, watching him the whole time. “Don’t go.” He whispered. Gerard shook his head, assuring him he wouldn’t. Instead he sat on the cold floor of Frank’s room with his back against his chest of drawers. Frank stuck his hand out from under the covers and Gerard grasped it tightly. Frank fell asleep quickly after that, seemingly content that Gerard was there with him to keep him safe. Gerard wasn’t sure how long he sat there; watching Frank as his chest rose and fell with every breath and his long black eyelashes flickered in his sleep. It could have been hours for all he cared. Eventually Gerard fell asleep himself, sat on the floor with his head leant against the chest of drawers, his hand still clasped in Franks.

Notes

I probably won't be updating as much as I used to from now on, and I hope that's okay.

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