Disenchanted

Gerard stayed at Frank’s side holding his hand for what seemed like hours. Linda snuck into the hospital room after an hour or so, moving quietly so as not to disturb her sleeping son. Gerard had dropped Frank’s hand like it was on fire as soon as Linda’s face appeared at the door. The fact that he had to drop the hand of the person he loved and pretend like he didn’t have any romantic feelings towards Frank at all, made Gerard feel guilty and ashamed. Yet, he knew he had to hide his and Frank’s relationship if it was to survive. That was, if they still had a relationship. Thankfully Linda didn’t notice a thing as she was wrapped up in her own thoughts. She placed a suitcase filled with some of Frank’s clothes at the side of Frank’s bed and spoke without looking Gerard in the eyes. ‘Here are the clothes I said I’d bring Frank,’ she said. ‘I brought his toothbrush and things too, and a few of his books. I didn’t bother bringing his phone or his earphones, even though I know he’d want them. I wasn't sure if they were allowed or not. If they are I can-‘ ‘No, they’re not.’ Gerard said, cutting her off before she could continue. Linda just nodded, still avoiding Gerard’s gaze. She turned to go and had her hand on the door handle before Gerard jumped up and put his hand on her arm to stop her. ‘Linda are you sure this is a good idea?' he asked. 'You really don’t have to do this. Frank really needs you!’ he pleaded with her. He remembered the first time he had met Frank and what he had said. ‘I never meant to hurt her.’ It was clear Frank thought a lot of his mother and hated hurting her like this. Gerard dreaded to think of how Frank would deal with his mother abandoning him. However Linda just shook her head, looking like she was holding in tears. ‘Frank doesn’t need me.’ She gestured to her sleeping son with his wrists wrapped up bandages and an IV feeding blood into his veins to replace what he had lost. ‘Look where my support has got him.’ She turned to look at Gerard for the first time since she had entered the room and fixed him with a determined gaze. ‘Frank has you now. You can help him more than I ever could. You will do that for me, won’t you Gerard? You will look after my Frankie?’ Gerard nodded, a lump forming in his throat. He sensed this was the last time he would see Linda for a very long time. ‘Good’ Linda said, her voice cracking. She drew Gerard into a hug and he leaned against her, feeling her motherly comfort. The hug was over far too soon, however, and Linda stepped out of the embrace. She placed her hand back onto the handle of the door once again. ‘Goodbye Gerard.’ She said, her gaze slightly flickering to her son. Gerard watched her go and was unable to stop a few tears of his own falling down his face as he watched his boyfriend’s mother burst into tears as soon as she left the room and hurry down the hall before she could change her mind. Gerard sat back in his seat and once again clasped Frank’s hand. He was shaking slightly but squeezed his boyfriend’s hand as if to transfer all his strength into the sleeping teen.

It was a few more hours until Frank woke up. Several nurses had passed through in the hours that Frank had been asleep, stopping to check Frank's vitals and ask Gerard if he wanted a coffee brought to him. It was obvious that everyone thought Gerard was extremely dedicated to his job, and that made them treat him with respect. They obviously admired how much he cared for Frank. Gerard had had to sadly explain to them that Frank’s mother didn’t want to see Frank until he was better and Frank had never known his father, meaning Gerard was the one person Frank had left in the world. The nurses had cooed in sympathy and when he had meekly accepted the coffees they offered, they were brought to him loaded with cream.

It was now just a case of waiting for Frank to wake up naturally as his doctor had figured it would be the best thing for Frank. Waking up when all he wanted was to die would obviously be horribly traumatic for Frank and his doctor wanted to hold it off for as long as possible. At any rate, Frank needed a rest anyway after what he had been through. The waiting game would probably been horribly boring for Gerard yet he barely noticed the hours creeping by. Instead, he felt sick, worrying some horrible complication would arise whilst Frank was asleep and he would be stuck in a coma or something like that. Gerard just wanted Frank awake. There would be problems to face once Frank woke up, yet it was much better than the idea of something horrible happening to Frank when he was asleep. At least if he was awake things would be slightly easier to control.

It wasn’t like in the movies when the family member/friend is staring at their loved one and willing them to wake up. In fact, Gerard was staring out of the window and biting his lip, wondering if he should go to the cafeteria and get another coffee when Frank woke up. After all, the nurses were surely too busy to provide him with coffee whenever he wanted one. So there was Gerard staring out of the window when he felt a slight movement in his hand. He immediately looked down and saw Frank waking up. He looked horribly pale, despite all the blood that had been pumped back into him in the past few hours. He also looked so horribly disorientated that Gerard felt his heart break slightly. Frank looked up and seeing Gerard, relaxed slightly. ‘Gee,’ he croaked, his voice breaking from not being used in several hours. ‘What happened?’ Gerard felt a few tears fall down his face before wiping them away quickly, not wanting Frank to see. It seemed that Frank couldn’t remember what had happened in the past few hours, not at that moment anyway, and it broke Gerard’s heart knowing that soon all that horrible pain Frank had felt would soon come back and even stronger this time, considering his attempt to take his life had not been successful. ‘It’s okay, baby,’ Gerard cooed, stroking Frank’s hair and peppering his face in soft kisses. ‘You just had an accident but it’s okay, I’m here now. Everything’s going to be okay.’ Gerard sat on the edge of Frank’s bed and Frank leaned into him, too exhausted to ask questions. ‘Okay Gee.’ He said, closing his eyes.

They enjoyed the peaceful silence for a few minutes longer until Frank spoke up, his voice sounding slightly scared. ‘My wrists are really stinging.’ Gerard winced at the pain Frank must be in. ‘I know baby,’ he said and moved a piece of Frank’s hair out of his eyes so he could kiss his forehead. ‘I should go tell someone you’re awake, then you can get some meds for the pain. Will you be alright if I leave for a few minutes? I’ll be right back, I promise.’ Frank nodded but stopped Gerard as he was about to leave the room. ‘Wait, Gerard. How did this even happen?’ he questioned, lifting his wrists slightly to indicate that was what he meant. Gerard’s heart began to hammer. He really didn’t want to tell Frank about the earlier events. He didn’t know why Frank couldn’t remember at the moment, it was probably short term memory loss because of the trauma or something, but Gerard was thanking whatever god that was up there that Frank was able to forget the horrible thoughts that plagued his mind for a few minutes more. Yet Gerard knew he would have to tell Frank now. He would remember soon enough and he couldn’t imagine how awful it would be to wake up in a hospital, after having almost died and have no recollection of what had happened. Gerard took a deep breath and resumed his seat beside Frank, taking his hand in his own once again. Everything was about to be shattered once again.

‘You did this yourself Frank.’ Gerard said softly, his voice quivering. Frank looked back at Gerard with a look of confusion etched across his face. ‘Why would I do that Gee? That’s stupid. Why would I do something like that when we’re together? It’s making me so much happier, being with you, why would I want to end that?’ Gerard couldn’t stand the innocent and confused look across Frank’s face. He took another deep breath and tried to explain. ‘Today, at the office, you saw me with someone. Doing something I shouldn’t have been doing.’ Frank sighed in frustration. ‘Just cut the crap Gerard, tell me what happened!’ As soon as the words were out of Frank’s mouth and he saw the guilty look plastered of Gerard’s face, everything seemed to come back to him. Frank dropped Gerard’s hand immediately and glared at him. ‘You kissed another woman, I remember now. You said she was your fiancée! And she was pregnant! I remember everything.’ A few hot, angry tears leaked down Frank’s face as he came to the realisation. ‘How could you?’ Frank tried to shout but his voice was hoarse from being asleep for so long. He began to cry harder from the sheer frustration of it all. By this time Gerard was crying too. ‘Frank, I’m so sorry, it was so wrong. I shouldn’t have kept my relationship with Lindsey a secret, I regret it now.’ Gerard sobbed. ‘Please forgive me.’ He begged. Frank looked at Gerard, both furious and shocked. ‘How can you have the audacity to ask me that?’ he snarled. ‘You let me sit with you, letting you touch me and kiss me, in total ignorance. It makes me sick! I never want you to touch me ever again!’ ‘Frank, please,’ sobbed Gerard. ‘You don’t mean that!’ ‘Oh yes, I do!’ yelled Frank. ‘I never want to see you ever again. This whole thing is your fault! It’s your fault I’m like this!’ He shouted hoarsely, pointing at the door. ‘Get out!’ ‘Frank, don’t do this!’ begged Gerard. ‘Out!’ Frank shouted, even louder this time. Gerard wretched open the door and walked out, sobbing hard. He walked down the hospital corridor, accidentally bumping into people as his tears had clouded his vision, unable to apologize because of the tears choking him. He met a nurse he recognised and managed to stammer out that Frank was awake before stumbling outside and leaning against the wall of the hospital, choking on his sobs, the knowledge that Frank wanted nothing more to do with him tormenting him.

Gerard had to walk home from the hospital as he had got there in the ambulance with Frank a few hours before. It was getting dark and although Gerard knew New Jersey like the back of his hand and knew his home wasn’t far away, it was getting dark and freezing cold outside. It was also raining and Gerard was getting wetter and wetter as he walked. The cold, dark and wet weather was reflecting Gerard’s horrible mood. Gerard knew his office where he had parked his car earlier that morning was closer than his home, yet he didn’t trust himself to drive in the state he was in. He hadn’t stopped crying since he left the hospital and knew he wouldn't be able to drive properly that way so he walked straight past his office building and carried on his journey home.

He was at home in no time at all. Gerard unlocked the door of his apartment and wrenched the door open, slamming it behind him. He rushed to the bedroom he shared with Lindsey and collapsed into his bed, pulling the covers over his head. His heart was aching with the thought of being separated from Frank. At that moment he wanted to forget it all, yet he could think of nothing else. Gerard was glad that Lindsey was away at the moment. She was a photographer and was on a business trip for a few days in another state. So instead of being bombarded with concerned questions from Lindsey, Gerard just sobbed into his pillow in the darkness, eventually falling asleep.

Gerard was awoken several hours later by the sound of the front door slamming shut and his name being called. ‘Gerard! Where are you?’ Gerard woke up with a start and rolled onto his back. He groggily wondered who was calling him when the door was thrown open and his younger brother Mikey flopped onto his bed beside him. Gerard groaned, quickly remembering he had invited his little brother to stay over for one of the nights Lindsey was away. They didn’t get to spend a lot of time together these days, considering Gerard’s demanding job and the fact that Mikey still lived at home with their parents and was always busy studying at school. Mikey was nineteen, just three years younger than himself, yet Gerard wanted to spend as much time as Mikey as possible before he grew up too much. They had planned to order pizza and spend the night watching crappy horror films, reading comics and playing video games. However it looked like that was out of the question for the time being as Mikey was fixing Gerard with a concerned look. ‘Gerard? What’s wrong? You look like you’ve been crying.’ Mikey said, pointing out Gerard's red ringed eyes. Gerard groaned and flung an arm over his face as if to say ‘Don’t look at me.’

‘I’m fine, Mikey.’ sighed Gerard. Mikey moved Gerard’s arm from over his face. ‘No seriously Gerard, why have you been crying? What’s happened?’ Gerard ignored his brother and rolled onto his side away from Mikey, closing his eyes. ‘Gerard.’ Mikey said insistently, shaking his shoulder. ‘Tell me what’s up.’ Gerard knew Mikey wouldn’t give up until he was told the truth so he rolled over again to face his bother. ‘One of my patients tried to kill himself today. Again.’ Gerard admitted. Mikey’s face instantantly changed from just concern over Gerard to both concern and sympathy. ‘I’m really sorry Gee.’ Gerard shook his head as if to wave Mikey’s concern away. He was honestly trying to hold back tears at this point. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ asked Mikey. ‘No, I’m fine, it’s just…It’s all my fault Mikey!’ Gerard admitted regretfully.

The mix of Mikey’s concern and all of the guilt he felt, made Gerard forget about the self-control he was trying to maintain for the sake of his brother. He instantly burst into tears. Gerard covered his face with his hands and sobbed into them. He quickly felt strong hands wrap around him as Mikey hugged him tightly. ‘It’s alright Gerard,’ Mikey cooed into his ear, rubbing his back comfortingly. ‘It’s not your fault.’ ‘It is!’ Gerard insisted. ‘Gerard, look at me. Look at me.’ Mikey insisted, prying Gerard’s hands away from his face. When Gerard finally looked up at him, Mikey’s heart broke a little. His older brother who was usually so strong, looked absolutely destroyed. Mikey would have done anything in that moment to make his brother feel better. ‘It’s not your fault.’ When Gerard began to shake his head again, Mikey insisted. ‘It’s notyour fault.' He repeated. You have done nothing wrong, Gerard. Nothing. Who was it, this Frank guy?’ Gerard nodded, remembering he had spoken to Mikey a couple of times about his patients that were particulalrly troubling him. He was surprised Mikey had even remembered, what with him being so wrapped up with school and his girlfriend, Alicia, who worked as a receptionist at his office building. ‘Well then I know this is definitely not your fault, Gerard. You’ve told me about this Frank before, how much he refused to get better and how he didn’t seem to be making much progress at all. It was only going to be a matter of time before something like this happened. He’s unstable, Gee. Things like this happen all the time.’ He said, trying to reason with his brother.

‘No, Mikes, you don’t understand. I failed him!’ Gerard insisted, tears rolling down his cheeks. Mikey looked at his brother sympathetically, knowing how easily he took things to heart and how much he took things out on himself. He knew his brother always felt inadequate compared to everyone else and he refused to let that happen this time, especially when this wasn’t his fault at all. ‘Gerard, don’t say that! You’re brilliant at your job. You’re doing the best you can and you’ve been doing amazing so far! These kids have huge problems; they’re pretty messed up and yet here you are keeping them alive as best you can. Something like this was bound to happen sooner or later, but you helped put it off for as long as possible and that’s something to be proud of Gerard.’

Gerard began to cry again silently, an eternal war raging inside of him. He wanted to tell Mikey what he had done and how, yes, this was his fault but he was too exhausted and heartbroken to think of Frank and how he had hurt him, again tonight. Instead he leaned into Mikey and smiled weakly as his younger brother stroked his hair silently. They lay in the darkness for a while, not feeling the need to speak, before finally getting up and wasting a few hours in front of the tv screen watching old re-runs on the horror channel and eating pizza, Gerard feeling slightly comforted by his brother's presence.

Mikey and Gerard were sitting at the breakfast bar early the next morning, sipping coffees and buttering toast when Gerard’s mobile phone rang. Mikey looked up from his own phone, texting Alicia no doubt, and mumbled ‘You should probably get that Gee,’ through a mouthful of toast. Gerard nodded and swallowed the last dregs of his coffee before setting his cup to the side and grabbing his phone from the top of the table. The number calling him was labelled ‘Work’ and Gerard was puzzling over this when he remembered he had set the number of the hospital as ‘Work’ when he had first been asked to help out there. He didn’t need the number of the office building he worked at most of the time, as they weren't communal offices, so he had no need to contact anyone who also worked there. Besides, he had Alicia’s number if he ever found himself locked out or some other such thing. Gerard realised the call was probably to do with Frank and he answered quickly.

‘Hello?’ he said into the phone too eagerly causing Mikey to look up from his breakfast. It was Frank’s doctor on the other end. Gerard had never come into contact with him during his time working at the hospital and because he hadn’t thought to ask the day before, he was at a loss when the voice on the other end of the line stated, ‘Doctor Way, this is Doctor Peters..Frank’s doctor.’ the voice on the other end added after a few seconds of silence from Gerard. Gerard nodded into the phone until he realised the doctor could not see his actions. ‘Oh, uh, yes! Yes, of course!’ he stuttered, whilst Mikey sniggered. Gerard glared at his brother before turning back to the phone. ‘What’s up? I mean, is there a problem with Frank?’

‘Yes, actually there is,’ sighed the doctor. Gerard’s heart sank when he heard that. He immediately began to make plans to set off to the hospital straight away to be there for Frank when he realised Frank didn’t even want to see him anymore. ‘What happened? Is Frank okay?’ Gerard asked, afraid of what he was going to hear.
‘He’s alright, he’s just very upset right now. We told him he was being sectioned and he really didn’t take it well.’ Gerard sighed, running a hand through his hair, extremely stressed. All the happiness he had built up from his night with Mikey was quickly evaporating as his mind was now filled with worry for Frank. ‘I didn’t think he’d take it well at all to be honest.’ Gerard admitted. ‘Did you tell him about Linda?’ Another sigh was heard from the other end of the phone. ‘Yes. He didn’t take it well at all. That’s why I’m calling you Gerard. We haven’t been able to calm him down and I’m afraid of what he may do. He trusts you which is why I need you to come down here; if you can that is. It’s quite important but if you’re busy then I understand.’

Gerard looked at Mikey who stared back at him, wondering what the phone conversation was all about. ‘Well, my fiancée is away right now, so I’m just with my brother-‘Gerard was cut off my Mikey making shooing hand gestures to say he could go, and that he was ready to leave anyway. Gerard gave him a look as if to say ‘Are you sure?’ Mikey answered with an eye roll and whispered ‘Duh, you idiot, I have college today anyway.' '...but he’s leaving around now anyway.’ Gerard finished.
‘Brilliant.’ Frank’s doctor said into the phone, sounding relieved. ‘There’s just one problem,’ Gerard said, sounding pretty defeated. ‘He doesn’t want to be anywhere near me right now.’
‘Trust me, as soon as he sees a familiar face amongst all this, he’ll be doing whatever you tell him. I’ll see you soon then?’
‘I’m on my way.’

Frank was pacing around his room with a darkened look on his face when Gerard arrived. He stood outside the door of Frank's room and watched him, trying to see just how upset he was. After a few seconds Gerard could clearly see just how angry Frank was, angrier than he had ever seen him before. He was terrified to go into Frank's room, especially because of how Frank had spoken to him the day before. Gerard hoped that Frank had just been angry in the moment and would accept him back into his arms today; however it really didn’t look likely considering that Frank looked absolutely seething. He had spoken to Frank’s doctor a few minutes before who had told him how Frank had happily gotten dressed and ready to go when he was told he was being released. Yet when he had asked for his mother and was told she wasn’t there and also he was being sectioned, he had seemed to completely break down for a second before replacing his sadness with raging anger. No one had dared to go near him and they had eventually rung Gerard in desperation.

Gerard was still standing outside Frank's door after a few minutes. Frank hadn’t seen him yet and Gerard wished he could just turn on his heel and run out of the hospital and away from all the pain he had caused. Instead he took a deep breath and gripped the door’s handle, stepping into Frank’s room. As soon as Frank had heard the door open he had whipped around like a frightened puppy. However as soon as he saw it was Gerard, his eyes fixed upon him and his face hardened. He stalked over to him. ‘Get out!’ he shouted, backing Gerard into the wall and slamming his hand on the wall beside Gerard’s head so he couldn’t move away. A few spots of blood appeared on the bandage on Frank's wrist from the impact of the wall yet he hardly seemed to notice. As Gerard’s back bumped into the wall he felt threatened by Frank who looked absolutely murderous. He never thought he could be so scared of the sweet but broken boy who had entered his office a few months prior. However, Gerard knew that Frank was just covering up how upset he was by getting angry. He needed to break through Frank’s anger so he’d calm down. The trouble was he didn’t know how.

‘Frank-‘ he began. ‘I said get out!’ Frank shouted again. ‘I told you I didn’t want to see you again, how hard is that for you to understand Gerard?’ Gerard didn’t let Frank’s words deter him although hearing the same words again was like a wound that wasn’t even close to healing, cutting even deeper. ‘I was sent for.’ said Gerard, defending himself. ‘Oh yeah?’ asked Frank sarcastically. ‘Well now I’m telling you that you can get the hell out!’ He moved his hand and stalked to the other side of the room, as far away from Gerard as possible. Gerard walked cautiously towards Frank and tried again. ‘I know you’re angry-‘ Gerard was cut off as Frank began to laugh bitterly. ‘Of course I’m fucking angry, Gerard! I’m stuck in here now, with everyone thinking I’m crazy and it’s all your fucking fault! You made me like this!’ Frank shouted. His words caused Gerard’s blood to run cold. ‘That’s not fair, Frank,’ he said softly, a tear slowly falling down his cheek. ‘Oh, really?' he laughed bitterly. 'Well you know what else isn’t fair, Gerard? Huh?’

‘Frank, please don’t do this,’ begged Gerard, shaking his head. He couldn’t bear to hear the words again. Frank ignored him. ‘This isn’t fair, Gerard, this whole thing is fucked up. It is so fucking unfair! You being engaged to be fucking married isn’t fair! Your fiancée being pregnant isn’t fucking fair! You leading me on and pretending you love me isn’t fucking fair! And what’s worst of all is my own fucking mother, deciding that she’s sick of me and all my shitty problems and deciding to just fucking up sticks and leave me alone when I need her most! So yeah, shit’s not fucking fair, Gerard! Life is fucking shit and pointless and unfair; my life is fucking shit and pointless and unfair and you know fucking what? It’s all your fault, Gerard. I’m blaming it all on you. Fuck you.’ He spat, tears running down his cheeks.

Gerard stood a few feet away from Frank, tears streaming down his own cheeks from Frank’s words. ‘Frank, I’m so sorry but please listen to me when I say that I never meant for this to happen.’ Frank looked at him, shaking his head with a mix of disbelief and disgust. ‘What did you fucking think would happen?' Before Gerard could open his mouth to answer, Frank cut him off. 'You know what Gerard? Just save it. I know why you came here, to try and convince me to let them take me upstairs to the psych ward cause apparently I’m fucking crazy now! Well, whatever, fuck it. You were supposed to stop this from happening again but I guess that’s just another way you've failed me. I don’t care though, if anything I'm used to broken promises. I’ll go, anything to get away from you.’ Frank gave Gerard one last look of disgust before walking out of the door and slamming it behind him. Gerard sank down onto the bed, choking on his sobs as he slowly realised their relationship might never be repaired.

Notes

Hello, sorry it took a while to update. To be honest I have no motivation to write this anymore but I thought I better update soon as I'm going to The Maine tomorrow so I don't know when I'll be updating next.

Please comment, rate and subscribe, it might make me update more often.

(Ps How cute is BFF though, aw aw aw.)